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Song For This Chapter: (In order of play) Hang On - Plumb / Hey Jude - The Beatles / Happy - Leona Lewis
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BPOV
It was too much. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't…I sat ramrod straight on my bed, clutching my hands to my chest with the comforter at my waist as I tried to shake off the nightmare. Only this time it wasn't going away. I was still here, Edward-less, my Mom in Florida, Charlie asleep…and all of a sudden it was just too much this time. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't deal, and I couldn't...damn it, live! I couldn't live.
I was going to kill myself. I knew it the second that last thought entered my mind, and yet for some reason I wasn't quite ready to accept the fact, even as I picked up my car keys and crept silently down the stairs.
I wish that it wouldn't have come to this, honestly I did. I had never intentionally planned for any of this to happen, so really I couldn't be held accountable for my actions. I was out of control; I couldn't control myself. My body had held free reign for the past few months, ever since that fateful day in the forest. And I let it…like it was saving me somehow, or tearing me apart…
Cutting had come instinctually, naturally- so why shouldn't suicide? Nevertheless, I was shaky as I climbed into my truck. I'd managed to sneak out without Charlie awaking, thanking God the whole time that we didn't have one of those alarms that beeped every time you opened a door.
This was starting to seem too real, and I was desperately clutching at the only grips to my imagination that I could muster. I needed to think this was nothing, convince myself it wouldn't matter in the end…otherwise I wouldn't be able to do this. And I had to do this.
It was pouring; the black sky seemed to be open like a bucket, pouring all of its contents on the tiny people below. I opened the truck windows as I drove, feeling a little bit too manic for my likings… Hell, I was freaking hysterical. My chest heaved up and down too fast, my hands shaking so hard I couldn't believe they didn't fall off already. You can do this.
I chanced a glance at the time- 3:20 A.M. Perfect. I'd be at La Push within a few minutes, not dark enough to scare the crap out of me, but not light enough for anyone to risk seeing what I was about to do- because I couldn't risk a rescue mission right now... Not when I didn't want to be found.
I took a deep breath as I forked up the speed, pushing my little old truck well past fifty, and the speed limit. I craved the speed right now, needed it as much as I needed the oxygen I was breathing. It put everything into motion, made me feel like I was going somewhere with a purpose. You are, my mind whispered back. I knew it.
The cliffs came into view, and I clutched at my chest as I felt the pain beginning to overwhelm me already. I couldn't have that; I needed to at least make it a few more yards with the car before I went on foot. I couldn't afford to double up in pain now.
My phone started ringing. I had a phone? Yes, yes I had bought a cell phone; Charlie insisted after that 'incident'. Why did I forget? This was going too fast too soon. I answered. Why did I answer? No idea. But I did.
APOV
Pick up, pick up, pick up…I knew she would, yet the possibilities still terrified me- me! Seeing the future didn't always guarantee it would come true. I frantically searched the future for the best delayer, the route that would save him the most time.
Edward had left the second the vision had entered my head, traveling faster than I'd ever seen any vampire, including Victoria…that awful female of our kind that had sided with James when he tracked Bella. And I was positive Victoria possessed some kind of special ability involving escape… how the hell was Edward doing it?
I'd seen into the future- at the speed he was going he could be in Forks in under an hour. It was amazing, scary… incredible… I didn't understand it.
Pick up…My whole adopted family was gathered around the dining room table at Tanya's place, the trio of girls having left with their mates to give us utter isolation as we made the call.
Everyone was silent, even Emmett. Carlisle was holding Esme with one hand, the other covering his mouth in a fist, as if he was about to lose control. Why? Pick up…
The phone was on speaker; we needed everyone to get his or her say. Bella wouldn't kill herself without knowing what that would do to all of us. And meanwhile… meanwhile, Edward was racing the clock to prevent her. I'd seen this; no matter what we did or said, she would still go through with it. Right now, we were just stalling for time.
Pick up the goddamn freaking phone, Bella! I would speak first, it had been decided in the panicked first few seconds after the vision. I'd ran inside and screamed for my family, cried something like, BELLA'S ABOUT TO KILL HERSELF, and sped into the dining room as fast as my feet would take me. I'd actually broken a few things in my haste, but we could pay the Denali's back later. Nothing mattered except delaying Bella right now. Nothing else. Jasper squeezed my shoulder as the phone continued to blatantly ring, a whimper escaping my lips as the uninterrupted noise continued. Pick up…
"Hello?" I could nearly cry, right then and right there, and I think I would have if not for the whole 'vampire' thing. Finally…
"Bella? It's…Alice," I explained, "I- miss you. It's driving me crazy, not seeing you. Edward told us we shouldn't, but I had to talk to you. I saw that Charlie gave you a phone, and I had to call," I answered truthfully, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice. Deciding that ignorance was the best card to play, as it wouldn't inadvertently rush her into doing something stupid, I would keep it a simply friendly call.
"A…Alice?" She breathed, breaking my heart all over again hearing the pain laced into the word. I sensed Esme sink into a chair at the other side of the room, Bella's voice having set her off as well. Jasper griped beside me, the emotions starting to overwhelm him.
There was a pause on the other end; I could just see Bella closing her eyes, trying to fight off incoming tears. "Alice it's…not the best time right now," she told me. Well duh. "Can I- I mean, is there anything specific you need to speak with me about?" she caught herself, I realized she couldn't say 'can I talk to you later,' since… if she succeeded, there wouldn't be a later for the two of us.
"Yes!" I nearly screeched, "Bella, I, wanted to know…if you hate me so much that you wouldn't want me to visit," I stated. It was still true- I was curious as to the fact, yet my reasoning behind asking it wasn't exactly the same.
"Oh, well…" I felt her steel some resolve into her words before she thought it herself, "Yes, Alice. I hate you that much. Don't visit," she stated simply. Emmett's mouth dropped open at her words, thinking she was serious. Carlisle looked confused, then terrified. I didn't need to read his mind to know what he was thinking, I saw the truth; she was trying to prepare me. And keep me away. Apparently, Jasper saw it too.
"Bella? It's Jasper," he butted in, "We're really sorry, and…" A peculiar glint came into his topaz eyes," We got you something to make up for it. It should arrive at your house tomorrow," he said. I was confused… and then, I got it and beamed at him. Curiosity was a human's worst enemy, and it could keep Bella waiting for hours; more than enough time for Edward to get there. But then again…
"Um, I'm not really at home right now. But thanks, Jasper. Alice…I gotta go," she rushed hurriedly. Curiosity killed the cat.
"Bella please think about this. Don't do anything that you might regret later," Carlisle pleaded, entering into the conversation. I could picture her head spinning, wondering how many other vampires were listening on the other side of the phone.
Silence. "We know. Bella please don't do this. There are places that can help you, places…it probably sounds like a lot of talk right now, but please. Don't do this. We can't lose you," he practically begged her. She said nothing.
"Bella," wait… was that Rosalie's voice? "You don't know what your doing. Trust me, don't rush into this. Give it time. If you still want to kill yourself in a year, feel free to tear my family apart then. But don't you dare try anything right now. I swear…." Rose trailed off, leaving a billion possibilities for Bella to ponder on.
"Honey we never meant to cause you so much pain," Esme told her. "We're so sorry, we're so…" she closed her eyes, "-Sorry. Please don't do this to yourself," she finished. I heard Bella's breathing start to get a little more uneven on the line.
We all looked expectantly at Emmett, who seemed as shocked as any of us that he would be the one to have the last word. "Um…God Bella, this is Emmett. You can't do this. Like, seriously. Don't even try it. Plus it hurts. A lot. Trust me," he added. I almost rolled my eyes at him. Of course Emmett would be the one to bring up the physical pain, trying to scare her out of it.
"Bella?" I questioned, concerned by the absence of noise on the other line. I heard ruffling, like she was picking up the phone again after having put it down briefly.
"Sorry," was all she said. And then nothing. There was no sound, no noise to counteract my should-be racing heartbeat, images of body bags and coffins popping up in my imagination against my own will, no visions of the future. Just nothing.
The line went dead, and none of us said anything, my family looking at me hopefully as my eyes took on the distanced looks, the future finally coming into view…
EPOV
Alice was keeping her occupied. I knew she would be, and Bella wouldn't have jumped yet. I was running faster than I thought humanly…well, vampirely possible. I sensed Alice's shock as I left, confirming my guess that I could be at Forks in about an hour. Not soon enough.
I pushed myself faster than I ever had. Faster than when I ran out of school on the first day I met her, when her scent burned my throat so deliciously. Faster than when I knew James had her at the ballet studio, could be killing her as I moved. Faster than when I left her trembling form in the verdant forest, convinced I no longer loved her…Not soon enough.
I wouldn't let this happen to her. I viewed it not as a future outcome, but as a treacherous thought that had absolutely no hope of coming true. I couldn't afford to think of it in any other light, or I would break down when I so desperately needed to reach my love. Not soon enough…
BPOV
What the hell was Alice playing at? Calling me to talk about a visit when she must have seen what I was about to do… hadn't she?
The conversation progressed, and it honestly seemed like she was completely oblivious. I played along, trying not to lie, but knowing I needed to get rid of her. For all I knew she could have the FBI tracking me as we spoke, a fact I definitely didn't rule out when I heard Carlisle's words.
So they knew. So they knew what I was about to do, that I was planning on killing myself, and were trying to stop it. I nearly chickened out when I heard Esme's desperate cries on the other line, but I had to steel myself. I couldn't fall for their trap, like every other human… I knew. I knew they didn't love me. None of them did, they probably just felt guilty thinking they we're the reason that was going to make me kill myself. They were right.
"Sorry," I muttered into the phone, closing it and throwing it into the ground, preventing anyone from reaching me ever again.
This is it. I drove my truck to the edge of the road, jumping out to hurry my way to the edge of the cliff. Jacob had told me about this one. It was called 'Píćha Kwaiya,' in Quileute, meaning Red Water…when I'd asked him what kind of name that was for a cliff, he'd simply laughed at me and replied, 'Well it doesn't exactly refer to the cliff, Bella'. That was all the confirmation I needed for its suicide capabilities. I felt bad, a little, since Jacob would probably feel he was responsible for telling me about it in the first place. But he would live. I wouldn't.
I smiled as I got closer, my heart rate starting to pick up again. Alice had kept me preoccupied for nearly an hour, leaving a stark sunrise spreading across the sky. It was a red sunrise. Beautiful.
I laughed then, at everything I had become, at everything they had made me. I wasn't quite sure when my laughing turned to hysterical sobbing; yet it did. I knelt down on my knees then and, unabashedly, cried my eyes out. But then I was ready. I'm ready. As I took my first step forward, I figured it best I not see what was coming. I turned around, shutting my eyes for a split second. This is it…
I let out another small laugh, taking another step back. Everything was normal. The air was still, the trees in front of me unruffled, the only sound my breathing.
And then it wasn't.
He appeared like mist, and oh, I knew he would come. Took you long enough, I smiled. Yet my immaculate God hadn't been the source of the noise I'd sensed, and seconds later another perfect being appeared directly on the other side of Edward. Another Edward.
What…No. Well fuck no…. I shook my head at both of them, anger coursing through my veins like a poison, tearing away all meaning. He would not ruin my suicide. He would not….
I ran.
I sprinted right towards the cliff, knowing full well that he would catch me. He did. I fought in his grip, though I knew it would be of no use. This can't be happening… it can't be…I was sobbing? He couldn't hear me cry! He couldn't.
"LET THE FUCK GO OF ME!" I screeched, finally breaking out his grip, though I could see why he let me go. In my distracted state he had managed to drag me a safe distance back, no doubt at vampire speed. I was shaking, trembling really, this couldn't be real. He couldn't be. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It wouldn't.
I made a break for it again, his iron grip locking around my waist the second he sensed my direction.
"No, my Bella," his velvet voice whispered, barely a sound at all. Yet I knew he knew I heard it, and I knew he knew I wasn't going to give in. Not yet.
I didn't know what to do. There was no place I could go that he wouldn't find me, nowhere I could run where he couldn't catch me. Please, please God let me die. I swear I'll never commit another sin again, just let me be dead. Let me die.
"It's not going to happen," he murmured to me, locking eyes with me as he gently put me back down. I gave him the best hate filled glance I could, needing this to be done. I was vaguely aware that he was trembling as well; I guess I'd hurt him with my decision. Well great.
"I want to die," I told him simply. "I want to be dead. It's my choice if I kill myself, and you don't get any say in it," he winced at every single one of my words, as if I was torturing him.
"Bella…" he pleaded, pain evident in every syllable he spoke. "I'm so, so, sorry. I won't ever get to say that enough. But don't do something so stupid because of me. I'm not worth it," he promised. Didn't he see that he was?
"Well sure you won't get to, I'm not going to live forever. I want to be dead," I repeated for him, in case he'd missed out on that little fact. My eyes were blank, I wasn't even seeing him. I wasn't seeing anything except that cliff 10 feet away, and red water. I unconsciously took another step forward, but he blocked me once again.
I didn't understand. My brain had only one thing on its mind, one thing it could comprehend; kill Bella.
Kill myself. Right, I had to kill myself. I had to find a way around him, maybe I was getting a seizure with all this shaking, and then I would die. That could work too.
No seizures came. We stared at each like that for another minute, a human facing off a vampire. My breathing steadily returned to normal, the shivers steadying to mere pricks. A slight smile met my face; I had a plan. If he wanted to play games, I would play with him.
I moved forward, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Edward," I whispered, lips at his ear, trailing my fingers down his side, he still hadn't relaxed…"I missed you," I continued, still he didn't release his rigid stance. He knew what I was doing, of course he did. I took a step back, in the direction closest to the cliffs. "Let me do this," I pleaded, trailing butterfly kisses up his flawless jaw. My eyes were still empty; I couldn't look at him, I would lose it.
I took another step back, and he remained where he was standing. "It won't be so hard for you," I promised, "You never loved me anyway," I smiled.
"Be-"
"Shh," I shushed him, tracing his face with my forefinger as I took another step back. We were making dangerous ground quite fast, I realized. Good.
"You cant…I won't let you! You can't do this to yourself any longer, Bella," I knew exactly what he was talking about, and saved him the trouble and shed my jacket, my dark blue tank top revealing all of my scars.
"This is what I do, Edward. This is who I am," I assured him. My smile was fading fast as I took in his tortured form, trying my hardest not to register his presence. Imagination, Bella. Well my imagination had never- Stop.
"Don't try it," he warned me. We were now nearly back to my previous spot, and I seized my opportunity. I kissed him.
My lips met his in a burst of fiery passion, crushing his rock solid form to mine as I did. His hands unconsciously wound through my hair, my arms trailing up his sides. He was completely wrapped up in the kiss, letting all of his emotions be known through his actions. It would almost be too easy, I pouted. But it was time.
"I loved you," I promised. And then I let go of my hold on gravity, falling backwards towards my death.
I would miss him, so many people…but death was the easy way out, I'd grown to realize. Living was so much harder, and I was too weak.
After all, I was only human…
DUN DUN. (sorry, i couldn't control myself)
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