Okay, first off, I'm not military, don't claim to be military, and don't know much about how the military works. If you find something wrong with anything in this story you'd be doing me a major favor if you pointed it out to me. That being said, I'm going at this from a practical standpoint and a humorous standpoint.

Squeak

"Okay, Viper Commander, what did Duke and the cooks do to tick you off?"

"One word, poison. One of the least secured sites in HQ is the mess hall. A skilled infiltrator could get in, poison the food and get out with relative ease."

"So...we use the Furbies?"

"No. I've grown attached to the little guys, don't want them destroyed. No, you gals go in and infiltrate the mess hall. Do whatever in the world you want to show how insecure it is. Now, go out and do chaos."

"Yes, Viper Commander, right away Viper Commander!" The four mayhem makers snapped salutes to their commander and marched off.

*****

It was lights out. The barracks were quiet, the majority of the Joes were off-base in their own homes or out on various missions. The base was operating on a skeleton crew, which was why no one was there to witness the four Vipers slip into the mess hall. Each Viper wore janitorial coveralls and caps over their helmets. They each had a cart of supplies. The smallest pulled out a sign and placed it outside the entrance before closing and locking the doors. Then they got to work.

*****

Duke sighed as he entered his office. He'd had a good weekend, now he was ready for work. He hung up his jacket and went to sit at his desk when his door crashed open. He ducked and went for his sidearm when he realized that the "attack" was just a chef. More specifically the man who had crashed into his office was the head chef. He felt his day going down the drain before it had even really started. "Dare I ask?"

"I can't keep working like this! No, I didn't complain about the Furbies, 'cause they were actually helpful, but this, this, just no, I can't do this. Fix it or I walk!"

"Calm down and tell me what 'this' is and I'll see if I can fix it." Duke growled.

The chef took several deep breaths, trying to calm down, before replying, "I can't say what it is. Just follow me and I'll show you."

Duke sighed and walked after the chef. They continued to the Mess Hall. The chef threw open the doors with a flourish and Duke saw...wall to wall bath toys, not just any old bath toy, no the toys were the annoying squeaky rubber duckies. The rubber duckies were organized by color and size and were currently being stepped on by other KP staff, including those on punishment detail. Duke winced at the cacophony of noise issuing forth in the staff's attempts to dislodge the duckies. "Maeve," he called to one of the soldiers on punishment detail, "I fail to see how getting a running start and diving into the ducks is helping the removal process."

Maeve grinned, "It might not help but it is fun. If you want I can bring a lawn mower in here."

Wooky, another soldier on punishment detail, grunted as she put all her strength into yanking at her neon green duckie, a tearing sound interrupted the squeaks and Wooky went flying, head over heels into a pile of purple and green rubber duckies that had at one point in time been a chair. She sat up and held out her hand which held the decapitated head of a green rubber duckie. She sighed, "Alas poor Ulrich, I knew him well. Whether 'twas nobler to have squeaked than squawked we'll never know. I do believe I shall call you Bob now." she tucked Bob's head into her shirt pocket and stood, "You know, I never realized they made green or purple rubber duckies. They're almost the same color as those little uniforms the Furb-Joes started using as bonfire bait." Noise came from one of the side entrances as a large group of Joes came walking in for their first meal of the day. Squeaking renewed and the first few Joes, upon realizing they were walking on ducks, came to a screeching halt only to be dog piled by the Joes bringing up the rear, Sgt. Slaughter capped the pile.

Duke's eyes widened as he realized that the colors before him were indeed the colors of the Vipers. His face paled, "Everyone stop!" Joes halted everywhere, leaving the dog piled Joes in some very awkward positions, Lady Jay was not a happy camper, Flint, however, was. Duke ran his hands through his hair before turning and marching (read squeaking) his way over to one of the public phones near the entrance, calling out, "Everyone in here and in the doorways, get in, make yourselves comfortable and barricade the doors." His orders were followed but there was an abundance of confused and baffled looks in response to said orders. Duke reached one of the phones and dialed the Infirmary, "Lifeline, I need you to gather a hazmat team and come to the Mess Hall. You're going to need to quarantine the area around the Mess Hall and you'll need to do blood work on all the people in the Mess Hall."

The Joes upon hearing their fate groaned and grumbled, some few paled when they realized just why Duke was in a snit. Sgt. Slaughter sighed, "Well, the Mess' been infiltrated, it's only logical." Maeve and Wooky both whined, muttering something about how they should have stayed in bed that day, it was entirely to bright and sunny out. Sgt. Slaughter favored them with an odd look. Roadblock growled in annoyance before taking it out on the poor unsuspecting duckies. Snake-Eyes watched him in interest and did nothing to stop Timber from demolishing some duckies of his own.

*****

Sgt. Slaughter was, at the moment, in very real fear for his life. He was hurrying down the hallway, away from the infirmary (finally) and he was trying to look like he wasn't hurrying. He hadn't heard from the munchkin of doom (Maeve) or the midget of chaos (Wooky) for a while. Normally that would be a good thing, but in this case it did nothing more than make him really nervous. He didn't know where they were and if he didn't know where they were then how could he dodge the attacks? He decided that he might have some allies in the queen of patience (May) and the lady of sanity (Gwen) and so he ducked into their room. This was a mistake as May and Gwen were both duct taped to their desk chairs. Slaughter jumped when the door slammed shut behind him and an arm draped over his shoulder, "Hello Commander," a chilling whisper sounded, "so...nice...of you to join us. We were just starting to make our...appreciation...of this little prank known. Now you don't have to miss out on the fun."

Sgt. Slaughter liked to think of himself as a brave man. He could face Cobra down without flinching, but for some odd reason a 5 foot nothing munchkin with a chip on her shoulder terrified him. He imagined that this is what married men felt like when their wives went through PMS. He rallied his nerves and replied as calmly as he could while feeling like a condemned man about to face death by a hundred feral chipmunks. "If you recall, I had to go through the same tests and inoculations as you. I'm as displeased about the situation as you are, Maeve." This turned out to be the wrong thing to say.

He didn't know how it happened, but apparently Maeve had handcuffed one of his wrists while she was distracting him with thoughts of eminent doom. He made a bid for freedom, managing to wrench the door open and dart out into the hallway. There were several Joes peeking out their doors to witness the next course of events. Maeve barreled out of the room she shared with May and tackled Sgt. Slaughter to the ground, using his disorientation against him she then grabbed the other half of the handcuff and shackled his wrist and ankle together. Normally she wouldn't have thought to attack a superior officer, but she was a wee bit miffed at the moment. Having secured her prey she then proceeded to drag him back to the room by his unfettered ankle, oblivious to the wide eyed stares of the other Joes or the fact that Slaughter was desperately trying to grab hold of something to aide his escape from the deranged munchkin of doom. The door clicked ominously shut, and the gossip mill began.

*****

Sgt. Slaughter counted himself lucky, drastically disturbed but lucky none the less. After having been put through a humiliating defeat by someone a good foot and three inches shorter than him, he had then had to endure a good hour long rant. He did get to watch as Maeve and Wooky dragged their erstwhile captive sisters to the infirmary for the full gamut of tests and inoculations under the fib that the other half of their quartet had visited the Mess Hall and left before Duke had arrived. Now all four girls had suffered through the shots. Slaughter counted himself lucky as they hadn't done anything else to him beyond ranting, they had apparently taken into consideration that he too had gone through the same torture as they.

He was once again ensconced in the safety of his office and writing a report about the incident. He indulged in a grin, he was truly proud of his girls. Disturbed at the fact that Maeve and Wooky now had a duckie head hunter village forming in their respective rooms, but proud none-the-less. He couldn't wait to see what his little Vipers came up with next.

OMAKE

Duke stared at a disturbed Flint, "Please tell me this is some sort of sick joke."

Flint shuddered, "I'm afraid I can't, Duke. It was witnessed by at least 10 other Joes. Sgt. Slaughter is fraternizing with one of the McWerrin girls."

Duke knew he shouldn't ask and decided to accredit his morbid curiosity, "Which one?"

"Maeve."

Duke's eyes bugged out, "How are we going to explain this? Forget explaining, how are we going to deal with this?"

"Go to the top and ask for advice?"

"That works."

***

Maeve opened her mail and very nearly died of a heart attack. She'd received a letter from a man of some importance, which was surprising enough, but the contents of the letter made next to no sense to her. The letter read as follows:

Ms. Maeve McWerrin,

Allow me to congratulate you on becoming one of the G., it is a proud unit and a better group of soldiers you would be hard pressed to find. That being said, a matter has come to my attention that needs addressing. I know it must be hard to find time outside of your duties to pursue a relationship and as such it is perfectly understandable that you would wish to pursue a relationship with a man that you are around with some frequency. I am writing to give you express permission to do so as long as said relationship does not interfere with your duties. I wish you and Sgt. Slaughter the best.

Sincerely,

The President

Maeve was still puzzling out the meaning to this note when her door nearly caved in. From the pounding and rattling of the door she was fairly certain that Sgt. Slaughter had received a similar note. The bellow that followed confirmed it, "MAEVE MCWERRIN! OPEN THIS DOOR THIS INSTANT!"

Maeve decided that she needed to terrorize the good Sargent, and sauntered to the door. She timed her response to occur between bellows, "Coming, Sweet Cheeks." Little did she know that Gung-Ho and Snake-Eyes happened to be passing at that instant. She quite probably saved Slaughter's life by opening the door and dragging him into the room. She did not see the look of absolute, pure grade fury that passed over Gung-Ho's features, nor did she see Snake-Eyes tense and motion Timber to attack. She did hear something hit the door after it had closed, but she shook it off as one of her floor-mates rough housing in the hall.

Sgt. Slaughter swung around to glare at her, "What did you do?"

"What did I do, what did you do? Last I heard you're, what, 10 years my senior. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's flattering but still...boys have cooties."

"Oh, no, I did not express any interest in you in that way."

"Then why did we get these blasted letters?"

The two confused soldiers looked at each other then down at their letters. After some study they found their answer, or at least what they thought was their answer. Maeve frowned at the date on the letter, "I've got to say, I never would have taken the President for a practical joker. Seriously, pulling an April Fool's joke over on us...I'm guessing he did something similar to the other Joes too."

Sgt. Slaughter nodded, accepting, even welcoming her explanation to the weirdness of the day.

***

"Maeve and the Commander? Are you serious?" Gwen asked in confusion.

May nodded, "Yeah, apparently everyone on the base knows about it. They've even got Presidential permission."

Wooky considered the topic, "Well, if that's what she wants then sure, whatever. At least Dad will be relieved that she hasn't gone after the dude with the mohawk and the shrapnel in his face. He might even overlook the age difference...."

The sisters shared wicked grins, "Naw, that's not happening."

Gwen grinned, "Can you picture his face when she tells him?"

May's grin was larger, "Can you picture Mom's?"

Wooky's grin out did the others, "Can you picture Grammy's?"

Then the girls looked at one another a shared huge, feral grins, "We've gotta be there when Gung-Ho and Spirit find out!"

Wooky cackled, "I can't wait to see Snake-Eyes' reaction!"

"Why?"

"Duh, he's adopted her as little sister, and girls, that's one big brother you don't want to get on the wrong side of." The three girls shared one last grin before collapsing in hysterical laughter, in the middle of the barracks hallway. Maeve and Slaughter poked their heads out the door, shared a look and went to grab their crazy companions, never realizing what the laughter was for.

AN: Before anyone makes a comment about the likelihood of this farce actually happening, allow me to point out my favorite episode "The Viper is Coming." the leaps in logic or illogic abound in that episode and made for some real comedy.