Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but I can pretend.
Brenman: Are you ready for the third explosive chapter of the landmark parody story that started it all? Am I delusional?
Harry Potter and His Aunt of Non-existance-ness
Harry spent the rest of the day hanging out with his fathers group of friends and telling mismatching stories about where he came from to any students that would try to introduce themselves.
If anyone had been keeping a list they would find that Harry had previously gone to school at Beauxbatons, Durmstrang, Salem Academy, Pigpimples School of Sorcerescraft and Warlockzerdry, and Harvard.
Another list would have told them that Harry's name was either, Harry Potter, Horny Peter, John Doe, or none of their business.
By the time dinner rolled around Harry was starving and he happily followed the Marauders into the great hall. When they sat down James introduced Harry to a black haired girl sitting across from him, and beside Sirius. James told him that she was his sister, Mary-sue Potter, and naturally she was dating Sirius Black. "Hello, I'm Mary-sue and as it turns out I'm one of the most powerful witches in existence, and I've been told I'm even stronger then Dumbledore, but naturally no one ever talks about me because apparently they don't feel like I'm important to the story line."
"It's nice to meet you. I never realized I had an aunt. I mean, I never realized that... umm, Sirius had a girlfriend." Harry said awkwardly.
"Oh." Mary-sue said in a questioning voice, "Why would you care if Sirius and I are going out?"
"Because," Harry said slowly while trying to think up an excuse, "I was wondering if he was available because I think he's so damn sexy."
Everyone nodded happily, "We all know Sirius is dead sexy and everyone in the school is trying to date him." Remus said, "Well everyone except James. He's only interested in screwing Lily, but she hates everything about him. We're taking bets on how long it'll take for him to wear her down through sheer persistence."
Harry nodded, "Well put me down for twenty galleons that she's going to be going out with him before the end of this story."
Remus took out a little black book and jotted down a few words before putting it back inside his robes.
The great hall became quiet as Dumbledore stood up at the head table, "Now I have an announcement to make. In case you haven't found out already, we have an exchange student in our midst. He will be staying with us for a little while until I can find a way to get rid of him. When that happens don't panic just because he may suddenly disappear without warning. His name is Horny Peter and he recently came here from being home schooled by his parents who were brutally slaughtered by Voldemort right in front of his eyes. So feel free to question him about it mercilessly. Now, Mr. Peter, if you would be so kind as to come up here, we can sort you into your house. The choices are, the cool table, the dorky table, the nerdy table, or the table that everyone else throws food at."
Professor McGonagall walked in front of the school and placed a four legged bar stool on the stage. Harry walked up to the stool and looked down at a misshapen lump lying on the chair. He picked up the lump and found it to be a thick wool toque with tassels and a large pompom. Harry sat down and placed the toque on his head. "Hello," said an obnoxiously loud voice, "I'm the all Canadian sorting toque. Eh!"
Harry grinned, "This was way more fun then the ordinary sorting hat. Now why don't you just put me in Gryffindor already."
The toque seemed to laugh in Harry's mind, "Not a chance, You're definitely going to Slytherin, it'll be much more fun if I put you there. According to the fan fiction authors, putting you in Slytherin and making your parents hate you is the only way to go. How aboot that, Eh?"
"No way, I'm going to be in Gryffindor." Harry said angrily.
The Toque began to open up at in the center as some of the stitching pulled apart and Harry quickly slammed his hand down over the opening just before the toque could get anything more then a 'Sl' out. Harry then used his unimpressive skills at ventriloquism to yell out his own "Gryffindor, Eh."
The Gryffindor table cheered in response as Harry threw the toque off and ran to his assigned table. As McGonagall took the stool and Toque away Dumbledore stood up once again, "Now that that's finished. Dig In." Dumbledore finished his little speech, clapped his hands together, and the food appeared on all the tables, except the Slytherin one.
The house elves didn't like the Slytherins because they're supposed to be the bad guys and they've suppressed the house elves for too long. The elves had decided to starve them all to death. Hooray for pay back. Of course, once they were finished with the Slytherins they would eventually plan to take over the world using their incredible powers of cooking and cleaning to over power the humans.
Harry was eating happily for a while, filling his empty stomach, before James nudged his side, "The story that Dumbledore just said wasn't like any of the stories you've told us so far."
Harry decided that the best answer was silence.
Eventually James dropped the subject because the fan fiction author couldn't think up any plausible solutions to the current problem, and after dinner he lead Harry up to the dorm with the marauders trailing behind. They were all really tired, but naturally it was a full moon that night and all the marauders were going to be leaving during the night to be with their werewolf friend.
Brenman: Hope you liked this one also. Unless like I previously stated, you only continue reading stories that you have no interest in.
