Dinner.
Sitting on my new bed, I opened my duffle bag and started to unpack everything. I took out half of my folded clothes and put them in the dresser - which had no handles, by the way. After sorting my clothes out and putting them away, I went back to my duffle bag and took out the pictures I had brought with me. I took out a picture of Maddie and I, My mom and I, and another of my whole family. I set the on my night stand as I heard a small knock on the door. I looked up and saw a short woman with brown hair in blue jeans and a white collared t-shirt.
"Hi, Demi?" she asked curiously, her voice was soft and smooth. I nodded and faked a smile, even though I was sure my eyes were still damp. She smiled and walked in a bit further, stretching out her hands, "Hey, my name is Serri, I'm going to be your nurse for the course of your stay." she explained as I shook her hand firmly. I nodded slowly, all the attention and doctors here were starting to make me feel like a mental case.. Although I guess I kind of was now..
"so, what exactly will you be taking care of?" I asked, trying to nicely say, 'ok, so what do you do?' she looked at me with a small smile, letting go of my hand.
"I'll basically be your best friend in here." she said chuckling a bit.
Haha. Yeah right. More like my worst nightmare.
"but you know, more then that, I'll just make sure that you're not alone too much. Some people in here get a little dangerous to themselves when they're alone. I'll also keep track of your meals, and your exercise regiments.. So more like your mom I guess." she chuckled, talking with her hands, still smiling.
"I already have a mom." I spat at her unknowingly, not even meaning to. She was a bit taken aback by the venom in my voice, but she quickly recovered, smiling once again.
"oh don't worry, I would never try to replace your mom.. I'm just like a temporary substitute when she's not here. I'll be with you the most for the first week or so. When you get your first visit.. Its pretty emotional when they're there, not to mention when they leave." she explained, almost sympathetically. I looked down, turning around and going back to my duffle bag.
"yeah. Well, I'm sure I'll be just fine, thanks." I spat out again. Ok, what is wrong with me? I was actually being really mean. she was just trying to help, but for some reason I didn't want any help. I just wanted to be independent and do this all by myself.
"yes well, we'll see when that time comes." she said in her soft voice. I heard her sigh and walk closer to me, "anyways, I just came to say hey and that I'll see you in about an hour for dinner. Dr. Byrd and I will come down and get you." Serri said with another smile before leaving the room and closing the door softly behind her. After she left, I sat down on the edge of my bed, staring out the barred window at the city that was right in front of me. I felt like there were millions of people moving around, succeeding right in front of me, yet I was taking a step backwards. I was failing, out of all the people in the world that have succeeded like I have, I was now failing. Great.
I looked back down at my feet, closing my eyes for a few seconds before breathing out and opening them again. This is when it got hard, at times like this when I felt like the weight of the world was crashing down on me. When I felt like everything around me was exploding and I had no control of anything. This is when I wanted to take control. This is when I wanted to shake myself out of the depression.
This is when wanted to cut.
I got up from my bed, my fisted hands by my side as I walked to my door and back about twenty times, just going over everything in my head. I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm ok. I kept repeating to myself, trying to calm my cravings down. I put my hands together, rubbing my thumbs against them roughly as I was now breathing heavily. I can do this. I told myself again, burning holes in the floor from pacing so much. I kept having flashbacks of what had happened. All of the pain and broken trust. It hurt four times as much as it should have. In fact, none of it should have happened at all. It just hurt so much… I just lost it.
I started getting really antsy, almost breaking my own fingers because of how hard I was squeezing my hands together. no! I can do this! walking towards the window, I looked out at it once again, remembering when we were down there - Madison, mom and I - playing in the park with our dog. I wish I could be doing that now, having fun with my little sister and my mom, being free again.
Being able to be me again.
There it is again, that wave of depression I know all too well. When it hits me, it almost physically hurts me. It feels like I'm being choked and held down, and I can't get up. It just makes me feel like I'm nothing, like I have control of nothing and everything is going to end badly. Before I knew it, my knuckles were turning white again, and my eyes were filling with tears. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly as I felt the anger at myself heightening. I was so angry at myself for being like this. I hated it. Why couldn't I just be normal, like everyone else? Why couldn't I just keep myself under control? Why could I just be what everyone wanted me to be?
"Damnit!" I yelled, punching the wall beside me hard as I shook with the now ever-present sobs. I held my face in my hands, trying to wipe away the tears. I leaned against the wall, sliding down it, until I was literally a crumpled mess on the floor. I couldn't stand myself. I just didn't want to be who I was anymore. Hell, I didn't even want to be anymore.
I sat like that for a while, wrapping my arms around my knees that were now up to my chest, laying my head in between them and just sobbing. I was surprised someone didn't rush in, with all of the noise I was making. But I guess that was normal for people in here to freak out and be crazy.
Its harder then you think, being away from your family for a few hours, knowing that you wont be able to see them for a long, long time. Well, not that long, but an hour seems like a day in this place. One thing was for sure, this was not going to be easy.
After another five minutes or so of trying to control my emotions, I stood up and walked to my bed. I sat down on the edge of the bed and started unpacking more stuff I had in my duffle bag. I got out cards, pyjamas, my toothbrush and toothpaste, as well as all the bathroom stuff. The last thing I got out was a letter - more like the letter - I had saved for about 6 months from… Him. I don't even know why I kept it all this time. Its not like he cares about me at all now. But I still love him…
I took it out of my now empty duffle bag, smoothing my thumb over it gently. I took it to the side of my bed and put it in the end table's drawer gingerly. I closed the drawer and turned around, hearing someone tap on my door lightly, while opening it. I saw Dr. Byrd throwing a friendly smile my way.
"Hi Demi, how is everything? Are you getting settled in alright?" he asked, looking at me with knitted eyebrows. I nodded quickly, looking down and avoiding his eyes. He smiled and switched his clipboard to the other arm, "well good then. Are you ready for dinner?" I faked a small, tight lipped smile and looked up at him quickly.
"sure, um.." I answered, looking around the room quickly, "do I need a key or something? To get back in?" I asked curiously. He chuckled and shook his head.
"oh no dear. These doors don't lock." he answered as if it was completely obvious. I found that VERY strange.. I mean, what if there was a robber or something? "your completely safe in this building Demetria." Byrd said as if he was reading my mind, "the outside doors automatically lock from the inside, and there are guards at the gate 24/7." I looked at him for a few seconds before speaking.
"oh..o-okay then." I said, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, looking down and playing with my hands. I heard Byrd shuffle a bit before speaking.
"so.. Ready? There serving mac and cheese tonight.. And trust me, you're not going to want to be last in line." he chuckled, beaming at me. I looked up at him for a second before walking towards the door. I was almost out, before he stopped me suddenly, "you know Demi, if you are ever upset, or, you know… crying alone in your room," he said looking me straight in the eyes, hinting that he knew about my previous breakdown, "my office is right down the hallway." he finished. I looked up at him and without a word, walked out the door. I didn't want to talk to anybody, I didn't even want to see anyone except my family right now.
I walked down the corridor slowly, following Dr Byrd, but trying not to walk next to him. It seemed like he enjoyed asking questions, and I hated answering them. We walked down the 'boys hallway', and up a set of stairs to the cafeteria. It was a small cafeteria, but it wasn't a four foot cell. It had about four long tables, even though there were about 75 people in this treatment centre - which, now that I thought about it, was probably to make us sit together and socialize. I walked deeper into the chaos. I saw little groups of three and four sitting together at each table, not talking, but more-or-less just hanging out with each other. You probably need friends you can just be around in a place like this.
"hey, the servers are over here Demi." Dr, Byrd said, walking towards a white counter with mesh-like bars across the windows. There was a small hole in the bullet-proof, mesh-lined glass to talk to the 'servers' with, and a small rectangular one down below to pass food through. I walked up to the window cautiously behind Dr. Byrd as he spoke to the short woman inside the kitchen, "hey Darlene, I've got someone for you to meet," he told her, his hand outstretched towards me. I scotched over a bit so she could see me, putting my hands on the counter gently, suddenly feeling a bit light headed. Darlene, as I have learned her name to be, smiled slightly before speaking.
"Hey, name's Dar." she waved curiously with a tight-lipped smile, I put my hand up silently before speaking in a quiet voice.
"Demi.." I said quickly, avoiding eye contact. She just smiled and looked at Byrd.
"shes very pretty, Henry." Henry? Really? Wow. Maybe he was as lame as he acted, "she seems normal enough. What is a girl like you doing in here?" she said with curiosity dripping from her voice. I looked up to her, now making full eye contact. I think she was a bit stunned.
"what do you mean 'a girl like me'?" I spat without thinking. Half of the reason I was in here was because of asinine judgementa people like this. She opened her mouth in shock before speaking slowly.
"I didn't mean it like that.. I just meant, you look fairly healthy, fairly sweet and good natured.. You look normal."
"yeah, well normal people have issues too. You don't know me so how the hell could you automatically just think I'm a perfect little girl who has no problems?" I said, not realizing my voice was getting louder. Dar looked at me in astonishment
"that's enough you two." Dr. Byrd spoke up, looking at me in particular. I looked back at him for a second before looking back down and fiddling with my hands.
"you know what, I'm sorry" I apologized, looking at Dar first, then Dr. Byrd. I took a few steps back, slapping my hands down to my thighs lightly, "I just.." I couldn't spit out my words and I didn't know why. Ugh, I just want to go home. I took a few more steps back before looking straight at them, "I can't.." I stuttered before turning around and walking back towards the stairs.
I walked down the 'boys hallway' slowly, wondering what Maddie and mom were doing at this moment. What they were thinking, what they were feeling.
I wondered what He was feeling..
I shivered involuntarily, pulling my long sleeve shirt I had on over my hands, and crossing my arms. As I walked, I looked into the rooms and realized I wasn't the only person that didn't want to go to dinner. I saw two boys in 129, playing cards with each other. They seemed fairly normal, I guess.. You know.. Aside from the white bandages wrapped around their wrists. I kept walking slowly, taking in my surroundings thoroughly.
"Hey!" someone yelled out of a doorway. I jumped so high, I swear I almost hit the roof. I looked over to see a boy with chocolate brown hair, green eyes, and one hell of a cute smile. He was tall - not giant tall, but tall enough that the top of my head would meet his mouth. He was leaning against the doorway with his hands in his pockets. He reached his hand up slowly, fixing his hair before taking a step towards me, "you're new, right?" he said with a smile - god, he had a great smile. I didn't get a chance to talk before he took another small step towards me, "because, I'm absolutely sure I would remember you if I saw you in here before." he said with a chuckle. I cracked a small smile before folding my arms tighter together.
"so, does that pick-up line ever work on anyone?" I said sarcastically, planting my feet in his direction. He laughed, almost a shocked laugh, and looked straight into my eyes.
"never." he said, raising his eyebrow a bit, "but then again, no one as beautiful as you has ever been in here." he crossed his arms and planted his feet, mimicking the position I was in. I chuckled a bit before responding.
"right. You think that charms me?" I said with a sarcastic tinge in my voice. He cracked a tight-lipped smile before sticking his hand out to me quickly. It kind of shocked me as I flinched, digging my nails into my sides for a second before I realized he was just trying to shake my hand. He looked at me with knitted eyebrows before clearing all emotion in his face.
"sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I'm Jeremy."
I looked at his hand for a minute, before slowly taking my own out and grabbing his hand softly and shaking it, "Demi." I said softly, avoiding his eyes. I felt him turn my wrist ever so slightly, so slightly that I would usually never notice. I felt him staring at the underside of my wrist, which I quickly pulled away an hid under my sleeve, pretending I didn't see what he did. He sighed slightly before sticking his hands in his pockets again, tilting his head.
Gosh, he was actually pretty cute - for a crazy dude, I mean.
"so, how long will you be staying with us here in jail?" he said in one breath, breathing out at the end while smiling a crooked smile. I rolled my eyes a little, still not keeping eye contact.
"I don't even know. Maybe a month, maybe two… maybe twelve." I laughed sarcastically, feeling small tears prick at my eyes, which I automatically blinked away, running my fingers through my bangs quickly, "whatever." I heard Jeremy chuckle a bit.
"oh, so you're one of those people?" he said with a warm smile, "you're the person that pushes all her feelings aside right?" he asked in a know-it-all voice. I looked up at him, a bit shocked before he spoke again, "I'm right, right?" he asked curiously, almost trying to pick apart my emotions, "I mean, why else would you cut? You're beautiful." he said slowly. My breath caught in my throat a little, before my anger bubbled up inside of me.
"who said I cut?" I asked his fiercely, digging my nails deeper into my sides, "and who the hell gave you the right to judge me so quickly, huh?" I asked, my voice getting louder and my face getting more red, "my thoughts and my feelings and my actions are none of your damn business! I've had enough people probing and digging into my personal life, this is supposed to be my getaway from that and I'm not going to let some boy who is probably more messed up then I am ruin this for me and my family." I ranted, completely out f breath by the end. He looked at me shocked, his mouth hanging open a bit.
"nobody said you cut, or at least, no one said it out loud. When you shook my hand, I saw your wrist. that's how I know you cut, and it's a damn good thing you're here too, cuz those suckers look deep." he said in a low tone. I couldn't believe this, I can't believe he's still being a complete jerk to me about my problems, "do you think I'm stupid? I know who you are. I haven't been in here for that long, Demi." he said, stepping forward a bit again, our faces were only about a foot away from each other now. My mouth opened a bit, worried about what he thought of me all of a sudden. People who aren't fans could be really mean.
"all of that still doesn't give you the right to intrude into my life, alright?" I said calmly, not wanting to argue anymore.
"I didn't intrude. I simply asked a question. You'll get asked questions like that a lot in here, and not just by me. every time you introduce yourself in the hell hole, they make you tell your life story of disorders." he said with an eye roll. I panicked a bit, not knowing that they would even be remotely interested in me out of everyone. I hated telling people my problems.. But I guess that's what got me here anyways.
"oh.." I said, sighing afterwards. He nodded his head, crossing his arms slightly.
"yup." he said, popping the 'p', "if you ever don't want to explain, just lie." he said with a shrug, "hell, I told anyone that asked me that I was in here because my parents think I'm crazy even when I'm not." he said with a slight chuckle. I just stood there, not in on the joke. He noticed, "oh, its funny because they wouldn't give a crap if I was dead or alive." he said with another smile.
"that's funny?" I asked with knitted eyebrows. He smiled and nodded, "I think you have a messed up idea of humour." I told him honestly. He laughed and shook his head.
"you'd think it was funny if you knew them too." he said with a small shrug, "anyways, how do you like Byrd?" he asked me, changing the subject ever-so-smoothly. I shrugged my shoulders before answering.
"I don't really know him.." I said in a low tone. I don't care about him I thought to myself, I just want to go home to my mom, my dad… to Madison. at that thought, my heart sunk again, literally creating a pain in my chest. fuck. Don't cry.. Don't cry. Hold it in. breathe. Ok, im good.
"Demi?" I heard Jeremy beckon, trying to reach my eyes, "are you ok? You just kind of zoned out.." he said, actually seeming genuinely worried about me. I shrugged a bit, puling a piece of hair behind my ear roughly.
"yeah. No, I'm good, thanks." I said, swallowing a few times before looking up again.
"are you sure? I can get Byrd, I mean he's not that bad-"
"no, really, I'm ok. Im not going to freak out or anything. Don't worry. I'm not that crazy." I said in one breath, trying to hide my emotions once again. I faked a smile, hoping he would buy it. Thankfully, he did and changed the subject.
"ok. Well, anyways. If you ever want to hang out or anything, just come knock at my door. 112." he said, pointing to the number on his door, "I have a single, so there won't be any strange dudes answering." he said as a joke. I faked a laugh and nodded my head.
"I'll definitely need a friend in here." I told him, rubbing my arm self-consciously. He just smiled again and nodded.
"yeah, you will."
Hey guys! :D
Soo, I'm sorry this took a while, I just wanted to make it really good. It's 2:04AM on a school night.
Yeah.
So you can obviously tell I love you guys enough to have fatigue for ya'll xD
So! New characters! How did you like it? What did you make of Jeremy? Do you think he's going to be a friend, or a fling - even though its forbidden? What do you think about Serri? Friend or foe? Do you think her and demi will butt heads? Or will they get along? Demi was a little bit more rough in this chapter, which just shows her frustration with herself. Tell me what you think, and of course, if you want me to continue! :D
Love, Carley
Xx
PS, I LOVEEE long reviews :D
