CHAPTER THREE
Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone
Sunday morning, Felicity Smoak hid under the covers of her hotel bed and tried as hard as she could not to think of Oliver Queen. She failed miserably.
He was most likely with Henry Mills and Elizabeth Turner, and she feared the events of the past night would make him deny the partnership, until she remembered Oliver Queen wouldn't do that. He was the strongest person she knew. He wouldn't let anything, not even his personal feelings, interfere on his performance as CEO. He had lost the company once, and she wasn't there to see him fighting to get it back, yet he did it anyway. All alone.
She thought back to the things he told her Saturday afternoon. I love you. Don't leave me again. I love you. She thought about Diggle's last words, about the fact he died knowing it was all a plan, died asking not to be saved so the plan wouldn't be affected. Brave John Diggle, whom she would always, always miss. She hoped there was truly a Heaven or somewhere else out there where he could be happy, reunited with his brother and in peace, finally.
And Oliver, again, telling her he loved her, asking her not to leave him. That kept playing over and over on her mind, like a broken record made to taunt her. In her heart of hearts, she had never truly stopped loving him. She had tried going on dates, tried really hard to find someone else out there, but nothing ever worked. She figured she subconsciously always compared them to Oliver. It was safe to say he had been her first real love. There was something there she had never felt before, and she was aware of that before she left, ignored it while she was away, and had to face it again now that she was back.
Maybe you really only had one person in your life. The one, they called it. Even when it couldn't work out.
She checked her phone, and there were two missed calls from Elizabeth. If it had been Henry, she would be worried. She didn't even remember she had Elizabeth's number, though, and the fact she only called twice made her sure it wasn't very important.
Felicity couldn't get out of her bed, and she didn't even waste her time trying. She figured she would lay down in there until the next morning, when she would finally go back to Chicago and put all of this behind her.
Not that she was completely miserable, though. There was something about seeing Oliver again, finally finding the courage to tell him everything she had pushed down all these years and listening to his own words that made her feel different. Like there had been a weight on her shoulders all this time, and she was finally freed from it.
It wasn't closure, but it was enough to start figuring out how to live with it.
With a part of it, at least.
Now, with her feelings for Oliver reawakened, she had no doubt that there would be a new battle. She could do it, though. She hoped she could, at least.
Her phone buzzed again. This time it was Henry.
She brought the phone to her right ear. "Yes?"
"Ms. Smoak. I haven't seen you since the meeting yesterday. Is everything okay?"
"Oh, yes, everything's fine." She lied. "How did the official meeting go?"
"It went unsurprisingly well. I knew Oliver Queen wouldn't miss this opportunity."
Felicity fought down the urge to snicker at the tone of his voice. "I'm glad."
"Well, I am only calling to check you'll be ready for tomorrow. We leave at 8."
"I will."
"Good." He said, and the line went dead.
Felicity stuck her phone under her pillow once again, and tried to will herself to get up. She didn't have much to do, not really. She thought she would feel the need to go around the city, maybe call Roy, go to Big Belly Burger, but she felt more tired than she thought she would, and she'd give anything not to get up from that bed. Not ever.
Still, Felicity Smoak couldn't do that. She had to push through. She had to march on.
She got up, then, and lazily got herself as ready as she possibly could. She finally took our her contacts and chose to wear her glasses, pulling her hair up in a ponytail. She looked herself in the mirror and couldn't help but note how much she looked like her old self. The happy Felicity, the Felicity who always embarrassed herself in front of others. The Felicity who would never leave Oliver.
She had grown since then, and she had to admit it was not all bad. She had become more mature, serious, focused. That wasn't a bad thing. She still yearned for her old self sometimes, the hacking and the helping a vigilante and the hope she always had, no matter how hopeless it all seemed. Yet maybe, just maybe, the fact that she could still find something good in all this, proved she wasn't all that far gone.
Felicity found herself in front of Big Belly Burger. It had gotten bigger, and there were definitely more people in there than she was used to five years ago. She didn't feel hungry, and yet she ordered the food she was so used to having in the past.
She thought back to the times she had been there with Diggle. It was his favorite place to eat. Less so after his break-up with Carly, but he would never really give up on his beloved burgers. She laughed silently at the memory, while she settled in a booth and scanned her eyes through the menu.
Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw someone approaching her. She figured it would be a waitress, but in reality, it was someone she never thought she would see again.
"Felicity Smoak?" It was a voice Felicity recognized, despite the fact she barely ever gave the person a single thought all this time.
Felicity looked up from her menu. "Laurel." She said, smiling despite herself. She got up, and felt Laurel's arms around her, while she rubbed her back and said, "Wow, it's so nice to see you!". They let go of each other and Felicity went back to her seat.
"Do you want to sit?" Felicity asked.
"Yes!" Laurel took the seat in front of Felicity, resting a brown bag with the Big Belly Burger logo on the table. "I'm getting some food." She said, pointing to the bag. "I can't believe you're here, it's been so long!"
"It really has been a long time." Felicity couldn't help but look around longingly. "I missed this place."
"So, how's your life?" Laurel smiled brightly.
Felicity racked her brain for an answer. "It's good, you know. I have an amazing job at Chicago. That's why I'm here, actually. For work." She felt compelled to emphasize it. "I heard you got married."
Laurel gave her another bright smile, and pointed to a ring on her finger. "Yes. He's amazing. His name is Matt."
"I'm happy for you." said Felicity, truthfully. Laurel had been through enough, she deserved some happiness.
"How about you?"
"Hm?" Felicity looked at her.
"Have you found anyone in the windy city?" She raised her eyebrows, smiling knowingly.
Felicity hoped she didn't look as horrified as she felt. "No! I'm... single."
Laurel narrowed her eyes, but thankfully dropped the subject. "I remember why you left, Felicity." Her voice dropped a little. "I hope you found what you were looking for."
Felicity wanted to lie, but there was something on the other woman's eyes that made her want to speak the truth for a change. "I'm not sure about that."
"I know it's hard."
"It feels even harder." She breathed out the words almost all at once.
Laurel looked sympathetic. "Is that why you're here?"
"Here as in Starling City or here as in Big Belly Burger?" She raised her eyebrows and Laurel smiled. "I don't know, Laurel. If I'm going to be honest with you, I don't even know what I feel anymore. I found out some things... They change everything. At least they're supposed to anyway, because I'm so confused I don't know if I feel any different."
Laurel looked as if she was debating on saying something or not. "Have you... Have you been to see Oliver?"
Felicity tensed. "My work thing was a meeting at QC. I saw him, yes."
"Did you talk to him?" Laurel asked, with some caution.
"Yes."
Laurel nodded. "You know, I hope whatever it is you told each other gives you both some closure."
"Us both?" Felicity's curiosity got the best of her.
Laurel sighed. "Felicity, I know Oliver. I've known him for what feels like forever. Ever since you left... He hasn't been the same. I thought at first it was because of Diggle, but it's been five years, and we've talked about things. About Diggle, at least, because he never once mentioned you. And I think there's something there. I'm sure there's something there."
Felicity felt strange, and yet Laurel's words woke something up in her that had been asleep for five years. The familiarity of Laurel, which hadn't really been so present back in the day, made her listen to the words in a way she never listened to anyone else's before.
"I can't blame you for leaving. God knows I made mistakes when Tommy died, I can't judge you for moving away. I still feel his loss, it's with me everywhere I go, but I learned to live with it. And I think Oliver lives with John's death. He found a way to do that. He just couldn't learn to live without you."
Felicity's breath got caught in her throat. "Diggle died because of me."
"I thought Tommy died because of me. And he did, I accept that now. But it was his choice to save me. All I could possibly do was find a way to live, even if it hurt, because Tommy died so that I could still be here and I couldn't let his sacrifice go to waste. And that's what I'm still doing. Every day I wake up and I think that the only reason I'm breathing is because Tommy gave up his life for mine. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm not going to waste a single minute, a single second of my life. I'm going to honor Tommy the only way I know how: by living."
"I have a job, a life in Chicago." Felicity tried, but her voice came barely above a whisper. Was she trying to convince Laurel, or herself?
"Does it make you happy?"
Felicity couldn't answer.
"John would want you to live happily, and not far away from the ones that love you, while you feel guilty and miserable all the time. Trust me, I know how tempting that sounds. You feel like you don't deserve to be happy, but you do. That's why someone gave their life for you. So that you could keep yours, and do something good with it."
It didn't take long for Felicity to realize she was crying. "Wow."
Laurel smiled. "I know, right? If my five years ago self could see me now..."
Felicity laughed through her tears. "She'd be very, very proud."
It was strange being in the Queen's mansion front door again. The last time she had been there, John Diggle had an arrow protruding from his stomach, falling to the floor on his knees while he smiled at her.
She felt a shiver run through her, and she held her arms around herself. Felicity had no idea what she was doing there. Laurel's words made her rethink her actions, yes, but she couldn't possibly be considering leaving everything she had in Chicago for him, could she?
She was, though.
And a part of her made it sound like the most ridiculous thing she had ever thought of. Ever.
And the other part felt like this is what she was always meant to do. This was her endgame. She was ready. Oliver had told her once through a voice-mail to talk to him when she was ready, and she thought she was the day before at his office, but it took Laurel's words to finally, finally make her truly ready.
Grieving for five years was something Felicity didn't think possible. She used to think she had to be crazy, she had to be having a mental breakdown little by little every day, but she understood it now. She wasn't only grieving for John. She was yearning for the life she had. For Oliver. She left a piece of herself in Starling City, and how can someone heal if they're still not whole?
She ringed the doorbell with shaking hands.
The waiting was the worst part. It couldn't have been more than 30 seconds, and yet it felt like five more years. Twice she found herself taking a step backwards. If she ran, she could still go back. Then she would go home the next morning, and she could pretend nothing ever happened.
But was Chicago really her home?
She doubted that.
The door opened and she jumped. The person opening the door jumped, too.
"Felicity?" It was Thea Queen.
Thea had grown. She looked more like a woman then, unlike the teenager she had been when Felicity left, yet she felt more familiar than Felicity's made-up life in Chicago. She couldn't help smiling. "Thea."
Thea hugged her tightly. When they broke apart, she had the biggest smile on her face Felicity had ever seen. "He's in his room."
Felicity couldn't help but furrow her eyebrows. Thea simply rolled her eyes and said, "We'll talk later."
She disappeared into the hallways, and Felicity nervously closed the door behind her. She still knew where Oliver's room was, even though she had never been inside it.
Felicity made her way into the mansion, noting that aside from a few new paintings on the walls, it looked the way it had the last time she had been there. Although, if you really count the last last time, it had been empty, so she was glad to see they had settled in again as if Isabel Rochev had never happened.
She stopped in front of his door. Felicity made her hand into a fist, her nails digging in her palms, and knocked lightly on the door, waiting for a reply.
"Come in." Oliver said.
Felicity's heart nearly leaped out of her chest. She opened his door, and saw him sitting on the edge of his bed, possibly checking something on his phone.
"Who was it at the door?" He asked, not looking up. She took one last deep breath before closing the door behind her and speaking.
"Me."
Oliver froze visibly, and Felicity tensed. He looked up from the phone, and then he got up, taking two steps forward before stopping short. His phone had disappeared out of his hand, Felicity noticed, but she barely had time to try and find out where it was, because Oliver spoke up.
"I thought you couldn't wait to get away from me. Again." There was a light humor on his voice, yet he still looked tense, almost as if he was afraid of the reason why Felicity was standing there.
Felicity hadn't given much thought to what exactly she would tell him. She was too busy trying to keep her breath under control all the way from Big Belly Burger to his house.
"You were wrong this time." It was so stupid, but Felicity couldn't concentrate. Her heart was pounding against her ears, her hands were shaking on her sides.
He took another step forward, and stopped. His eyes searched her face for something, anything, but all she could do was stare at him and swallow down tightly. Get a grip, Felicity. Do this for Oliver, for yourself, and for Diggle.
And it was truly amazing, really, how it felt like Diggle was in the back of her mind telling her to go ahead and speak up already, giving her strength she needed.
"I talked to Laurel." Felicity blurted out, finally. "She made me realize some things. I think she changed my entire perspective on life in a matter of ten minutes. She's the last person I ever thought would help me like that."
"What did she say?"
"She told me a lot of things, Oliver, but they're not important. Not right now."
Oliver seemed to grasp the seriousness in her tone, and he took one more step forward. If she reached out her arm, she would be able to touch him. She wanted him to be closer, but she couldn't move.
"I love you too." Felicity finally said, after five long years away from him, after keeping those words down even when she still saw him every day. "I want to be happy. I don't think I can be happy if I'm away from you, Oliver. I tried and it didn't work."
Oliver's eyes were locked on hers. "I ran away because I was afraid and I felt guilty and I couldn't deal with it, but I was never really happy. I thought it was all because of Diggle, all because he died for me, but it wasn't. It was because of you, too. It was because I abandoned you and because I needed you there, but I was too proud and scared and stupid to reach out. I spent five years of my life punishing myself, running away from anyone who even cared to ask me how I was feeling with real interest, because I thought I didn't deserve it. And maybe, maybe I do. Maybe I deserve something good in my life now, now that I can see what all those five years meant, now that I can allow myself to heal. I love you, and I'm tired of pretending I don't. I missed you more than anything, and I love you."
Felicity barely had time to suck in a breath before Oliver moved forward, put both his hands on her face and captured her lips in a kiss.
Nothing, not one thing she had ever experienced in her life, compared to having Oliver's mouth on hers, his hands on her body, his smell filling her nose and making her dizzy with all the emotions running wildly in her entire being. She put her hands on his chest, closed a fist on his shirt and pulled him as close as she could, and she could feel the heat of his body through her clothes. He kissed her fiercely yet passionately, like she always imagined it would be, except there was so much longing in that kiss that it made her head spin.
She loved him so much. She had never stopped. Having him there, holding him close, made her feel truly happy, something she had long forgotten what it felt like. She could see stars on her closed eyelids, and her heart was beating so quickly she could hear it, and when she rested her hand on his chest, she could feel his heart beating in sync with hers. It made her love him even more, if that was still possible.
She wanted him. Wanted him, more than anything, she wanted to touch him every where and look at him and touch him, touch him, she wanted him to touch her too and hold her close and never let her go. She would never let him go again.
He picked her up and walked her to his bed, dropping her gently and kissing her again, on top of her.
"Oliver." She murmured, and he stopped, looking at her. He was breathless, his face flushed, and she had never seen anything so beautiful. "I love you."
He smiled, the smile reaching his eyes in a way that made her reconsider her earlier statement. "I love you." He said it back, and ran a thumb across her cheek, which made her realize she had been crying. She smiled. She never thought she would cry tears of joy again. Never thought she would smile like this, never thought she would feel this kind of happiness, this peace that made her feel like she was floating.
How did she live without him? How did she find the strength to leave him?
He kissed her again, and she knew right then and there that whatever it was that made it possible for her to leave, would never, ever happen again.
You're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
Your reviews are the kindest. Thank you guys so, so much. There's an epilogue coming up, now. Hope you guys like this chapter, please let me know!
