Not So Much of a Fairytale

A/N: I know it's been a while, but I've been away and then I've had 8 mock exams this week – I hope that explains it. I have now got a long weekend and nothing to do so, if I'm lucky, will be able to get another chapter up this weekend as well. If not, I swear it'll be up as soon as possible.

Separating

22nd June 1997

I'm sure it's not, but today feels like the worst day of my life. I've attended a funeral, had my heart break and endured one of mum's lectures. I think that last Wednesday was worse but that doesn't make today any better.

I couldn't stop crying at Professor Dumbledore's funeral. Apart from the fact that it was a funeral, some of the people there seemed more political than emotional and realizing that was shat made me cry first and, of course, once I'd started crying I couldn't stop. Bits of the funeral were perfect and 'Dumbledore-esque' – like the centaurs and the mermaids – but others didn't fit – I don't think the tomb suited him. It stood out too much, and was too obvious which I didn't think was right, but I think a lot of people liked it. I obviously never knew Dumbledore properly but it always seemed to me that Dumbledore didn't want to stand out much.

I listened to the speech – what I could hear of it anyway (for some reason they didn't magically enhance the noise) – and it seemed like too much again – too political and it seemed more like a speech for the media then the people there. After all, what does 'kindness to all' or 'magical excellence' mean to anyone? They're just words. I wouldn't know what it meant if he hadn't been obviously kind to me after the- during my first year. And 'magical excellence' – if I hadn't heard about last year – his duel with Voldemort – what would I know about it? I understand that you can't become Headmaster of Hogwarts for nothing but, since a lot of the mourners can't have known Dumbledore much better than I knew him – I reckon most were there because he had been their Headmaster, because he was famous or because they thought it was their duty – I don't think any part of the speech was particularly well written even if it did cover every single aspect of his personality which could possibly be covered. As I said, I'm sure it would fit perfectly into the Daily Prophet but it wouldn't fit anywhere else.

I stopped crying at some point during the speech because it was just so wrong and unemotional – I'd run out of reasons to cry. In any case, by the time the funeral was over and Harry was- talking – to me, I couldn't cry, even if I wanted to.

I said I got my heart broken – Harry broke it. Straight after the first funeral I can remember going to. It wasn't the best timing and yet I still couldn't cry. As it was ending, Harry broke up with me. He had a perfectly good reason for it, and I understood it absolutely but that just makes it harder. Knowing he had a valid reason to break up with me when we both still like each other as much as we did at the beginning makes it absolutely impossible to blame and hate him which is exactly what I want to do right now. I love him. I really do. I properly love him even though I only realised it after he broke up with me. I love him and yet he's broken up with me. As he was walking away, after he had made me understand that it was necessary, I tried to hate him, realised that I couldn't and discovered that I love him. I think I've sort of loved him ever since I first saw him but I only realised it when he'd already broken up with me.

And, of course, because I understand – and because we're both now in completely different places (physically) – I can't ask him to change his mind, say I don't care, that I won't let You-Know-Who use me, that I just want to be with him because it's more comforting and better than anything. I nearly called out to him when he was walking away. I tried to but the words wouldn't come. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop him doing what I knew was right. I think if I'd managed to call out then he would have come back to comfort me and we would be back together because I could see him straining not to comfort me before he walked away and if I'd asked him to comfort me then he wouldn't be able to stop himself, but I didn't. We separated.

After he left, I just sat there, doing nothing until the stands were almost completely empty. I half noticed Ron and Hermione get up and go but I didn't see anyone else leave – I lost myself in my thought and then suddenly realised that no one was anywhere near me.

My friends must have gone of with their families and my family had probably gone off with Bill back to the Hospital Wing but I didn't want to. I wanted to be with Harry even though it was impossible. In the end I just went up to my dormitory. I managed to cry then, and I cried a lot. I cried, I screamed, I threw things and had my first temper tantrum for years.

It didn't help.

Dumbledore was still dead, Bill was still maimed, Fleur would still become part of our family and Harry and I were still broken up.

It didn't help one bit.

Eventually Mum came to find me crying into my pillow. She managed to comfort me enough to get me to come to lunch and I joined my friends for a while. They managed to get a bit of a smile out of me but I made sure I completely avoided Harry – I didn't really want to be put into an even worse mood.

We went on the Hogwarts Express – which seemed to take longer than usual – and then we got home. Mum changed as soon as we got home, shouting at Ron and me for taking part in the fight – we're not old enough, we don't know enough spells, I haven't even done my Defence O.W.L. (I actually did it the same day), and we could have died. We let her shout at us without arguing – I know she just wanted someone to shout at – otherwise she would have lectured us earlier – and I think Ron just didn't want the hassle of arguing with her – we all learnt a long time ago (from Fred and George) that arguing just makes her take longer to finish

I still haven't told anyone that Harry and I are broken up. I think Ron will either know or have guessed but no one else does and I don't feel like telling them. I'll just mope around the house until someone tells me to stop and then I'll mope around my room whenever I get the chance to. This is going to be a really bad holiday.

I've decided that this probably isn't the worst day ever but it's definitely not the best either.

Ginny

27th July 1997

Too much happened today. I can't process it all yet – although that might partly be the Fire Whisky which Mum, for once, didn't stop me drinking. It's not as nice as I expected it to be but it revived us all so it was useful even if I didn't like it.

I saw Harry again today. It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. Seeing him was wonderful but it was horrible seeing him react when we told him no one else was back.

At one point I suddenly felt him want to hold me, and I could not have stopped him – I would not have wanted to. I almost needed him to hold me so I could cling to someone. Mum was tending to George and Dad and Bill weren't back so I couldn't cling to them. I wanted to cling to someone, and Harry would have let me cling to him. I wish I had, but the moment I noticed Harry wanted to hold me, Dad and Fred got back and we couldn't. Not with so many people around (including two parents and older brothers).

Instead, we went outside together to watch for people. Even though the need to hold each other had gone by then and he no longer seemed to want to hold me, I took his hand and it made me feel better. No one noticed, and I guess we could have held each other more closely, but we weren't thinking like that – we were too worried.

As soon as Ron came back, we separated and didn't talk to each other again. We didn't share words of deepest affection, and we didn't get back together, however much I wanted it, and I don't think we will at all until he's finished doing whatever he needs to do without me. His leaving would be even worse if we were still together. I understood that when we broke up and I still understand that now. I just wish I'd fallen in love with someone without so many morals – someone who didn't need to save the wizarding world – but then I doubt that I would have fallen in love with them. Maybe it's my fate to wait, but whether it is or it isn't, I'll wait for him anyway. I won't be able to stop myself.

I don't want to put myself into a bad mood by explaining the rest of the evening, so I'll save that for tomorrow, if I write it at all. I'm never going to want to though, so maybe I just shouldn't.

Ginny

10th September 2007

These fairytales are starting to annoy me. I really should get Harry to put Lily to bed sometimes so that he can read her the stories instead before I just refuse to read one of them to her because they're getting so repetitive even though each night they're different. I wonder if Mum knew how much Lily would love the stories when she gave her them for Christmas – thinking about it, I'm sure she did even though I was the only daughter she had and I can't remember adoring fairytales quite as much as Lily does. Hopefully she'll give up on fairytales and start loving something else which she gets for her birthday – I may only have to endure two more days of fairytales!

The fairytales are just so completely unrealistic (although so are most of The Tales of Beedle the Bard). I know that I found parts of my life are like a fairytale but the rest of it isn't. The girl – me – hated the guy – Harry – at one point. We both went out with other people at different points. We split up through our own choice and not through the 'fairytale way' – being forced to split up, if there is any split. Then again, we did get back together. And whatever else I am, I am not a damsel in distress – I helped lead the rebellion against Voldemort. Then we had to wait to get married – I reckon most of the 'heroines' in fairytales are about sixteen yet their parents can't wait for them to get married. And Sirius… his story would never be told in a fairytale. Finally, we wouldn't have futures. We would just 'live happily ever after' which, as happy as it would be, would probably get a bit boring after a while.

I reckon having a fairytale life wouldn't be all that brilliant, in the same way that Harry decided years ago that having the best wand in the world to use wouldn't be the best thing possible. It would be too incredible – using the old phrase 'if it's seems too good to be true then it probably is'. A fairytale life just couldn't last, but a life which, although it has bad bits, is generally good can and that's what we've got.

Ginny