Courage without conscience is a wild beast.
Robert G. Ingersoll
To Lut Gaye Haan Lut Gaye
To Lut Gaye Hum Teri Mohabbat Mein
-From the Bollywood Movie Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam
Meaning- I was utterly destroyed; I was utterly destroyed by my love for you
Chapter Two
Twenty Four years and five months prior to RotJ
I had been in training for five months now. It was the most brutal, gruesome, tiring five months of my life and everyday I questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing. Aeron pushed me to my breaking point everyday. I found myself hating him and myself more and more each day. Everyday we did hand to hand combat and training with weapons for eight standard hours. Everyday I cursed him and the Empire for what became of my life. And everyday I found myself thinking of Luke and Leia. How were they? Were they well-looked after? How I longed to look upon their faces at least once more. And, of course, everyday I thought of Anakin/Vader and how he could betray me, the Republic and our children.
He used to always say that he belonged entirely to me…heart and soul. But everyday I thought back to that fateful day on Mustafar and how much those words seemed…false. I wondered was he ever really mine in the first place. He fell in love with the dark side and the power it offered him. He had a greater love for power than for me. Force how I missed him. The pain of losing him never lessened with each passing day.
I entered my dismal apartment on the other side of Naboo which was far from my home and from the capital city Theed where no one would be able to recognize me. After my meeting with Aeron five months ago, I cut off all my hair and dyed it black. I also purchased eye contacts to change my eye colors. My eyes were now a bright green. If Anakin could see me now he would be shocked. Gone was the soft, gentle politician and in its place was a hard, strong assassin in training. I had yet to go out and kill anyone and I dreaded the day when it came.
I walked into my kitchen and turned on the burner to cook myself a meal. It had been another long, tiring day of training with Aeron and I was famished. I quickly ate my meal and cleaned the dishes. Afterwards I went to the 'fresher took a bath and got dressed for bed but walked into the sitting room. I collapsed onto the couch in the sitting room with a glass of white wine. This had become my nightly ritual. Everyday after I trained with Aeron I came home, ate, showered, and sat on the couch to reflect on my new life.
Six years ago I never would have imagined my life would turn out like this. I always thought that Anakin and I would be together with our children. I always thought that we would be happy. Life certainly had its way of surprising one. I sighed and took a sip of my wine.
The galaxy was in turmoil. Everyday on the Holonet news I heard of thousands of people dying and the Emperor imposing new laws to make it impossible to vote him out of power. I quickly finished my wine and set in the glass on the counter in the kitchen. Afterwards I brushed my teeth and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Five months of training had drastically trained me. My features had become harsher. My body became more muscular and stronger. But most of all my eyes, they became callous and filled with pain. They were the eyes of someone who had been through hell and back in the last year and a half. And in many ways, I had.
I looked down at my hands and stared at them. They used to be so soft and now they were extremely rough and calloused. Sighing I turned around and laid down in my bed. I turned off the lights and closed my eyes. Soon I drifted into a dreamless sleep.
Next Day
I woke up at 0600 standard hours, my usual waking hour now. I changed into a pair of dark green pants and black tunic. Then I quickly tied on my shin high boots, grabbed my bag filled with weapons and padding for training and left my apartment. Today was another day of long training.
I arrived at the abandoned warehouse at 0730 standard hours. Aeron was sitting on a crate of boxes waiting for me to arrive.
He looked up when I entered. "Good. You're here. We've had a slight change of plans. There will be no combat training today."
I frowned. "No training? Then what are we doing today?"
"Today Zaia Terrran will be teaching you some languages." He responded.
"Who? And what?" I questioned.
"Zaia Terrran. She is trained in one hundred different languages. I was contacted by the rebel alliance last night. Today you are to learn some new languages to aide you when you go to work in the field."
"Oh. Very well." I replied.
I looked around the warehouse. "Where is she?"
"She'll be here in a few minutes. I have to leave however. I have to pick up more equipment that you will be training with starting next week." With that he left.
I stared after his retreating figure and set down my back. I sat down next to it and closed my eyes. Tears quickly fell down my face. Never in my life had I cried so much than in the last year and a half. I thought back to the last time I was with Anakin on Naboo and when we were happy.
I was standing on our balcony watching the moon from Naboo. There was a gentle breeze coming in. I closed my eyes and felt the wind kissing my face, my hair gently blowing in the wind. Anakin managed to get time from his duties as a Jedi and together we left Coruscant for a week of relaxation on Naboo. What he told Obi Wan I never found out.
I felt him come up beside me.
"It's so beautiful here." I said.
"Yes it is." He replied. "And so are you."
I smiled and opened my eyes. I looked up into his eyes and stared deeply into his eyes. He leaned over and kissed me deeply and passionately.
"I love you so much Padme. You mean more to me than anything else in the galaxy."
"I love you too Anakin. I can't imagine life without you in it."
He grimaced. "I don't even want to think about that. My life belongs to you."
He took my hand and put it up to his heart. "My heart, my soul; everything I am belongs to you. You are a part of me. The best part of me. You are the only thing that keeps me sane while I am at war. There aren't enough words to describe how much I love you."
I sighed and buried my face in his chest. "I love you so much too. I can't believe you will be going back to the Outer Rims next week. When will we see each other again?"
He kissed the top of my head. "Shh…let's not talk of that. Right now let's enjoy what little time we have together before we have to leave."
I mutely nodded my head. He picked me up and carried me off to our bedroom…
"Maria Antus?" I heard a loud voice ask.
My reverie was broken. I looked up and saw a tall woman approach me. She had long blonde hair.
"Yes. Are you Zaia Terrran?" I questioned.
"I am. Let's begin your training." She cut to the chase.
I stared at her. She had deep blue eyes just like Anakin. I shook my head.
No. I will not think of him anymore. Anakin is dead. Gone. Just like Padme his wife. I reprimanded myself.
"Yes. Let's get this over with." I agreed.
I stood up and wiped off dirt from my pants. She led me over to a table and sat down in a chair and motioned for me to do the same. I complied.
"You are probably wondering why Aeron is asking you to learn new languages." She said.
I didn't respond immediately. "I suppose."
She sighed and continued. "Being an assassin also means to take on different identities. Part of your job will be to become someone else. Someone from a different planet, culture with different languages. And so you will need to learn the language of whatever planet it is you are from. You will also need to learn different accents. For the next few weeks you will be learning several languages and accents to convince people of your identity."
I swallowed. This "job" got more and more complicated with each passing day.
"Today we will begin with Huttese, from Tatooine." She said.
I felt a wave of nausea course through me and thought of the day I walked into the junk shop. The place where I met Anakin. Tatooine. Once again that planet became a part of my life. Would I never be free of Anakin?
She frowned. "Are you all right?"
I snapped out of my reverie. "Huh? Oh yes. I am fine." I said.
She regarded me carefully and nodded. "Very good. Let's begin."
And so for the next four hours we went over the characters and language of Huttese. We reviewed it so much that by the end of it I felt like my head would explode.
Finally she leaned back in her chair and said, "I think that is enough for today. We will continue tomorrow with the language from Kamino. See you tomorrow."
I stood up. "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." I walked away and went over to my bag. She left the warehouse. Since I was done earlier than usual I decided to stay back and continue with my weapons training. I stayed there and practiced for five more hours. I had made a lot of progress in the last five months. According to Aeron I would be ready to go out in the field in a few months from now. Once I finished practicing I packed up my bag, put on my cloak to cover my face, and left the warehouse.
I headed back to my apartment and made food for myself. I ate my dinner and cleaned my dishes. I went to the 'fresher and showered. I walked back to the sitting room and turned on the Holonet News, sat on the couch and watched it numbly. Most news came from Coruscant about Darth Vader and the Emperor and what atrocities they committed today. I sighed and bit my lip. I felt a tear slide down my cheek.
It was so silent in my apartment. This was not I imagined my life being. I thought that by now I would have children with me and I would hear the pitter-patter of their feet running across the floor. But alas my children were not with me. Force only knew where they were. I had yet to hear from Obi Wan. He promised me that one day I would be able to see them from afar. I hoped that day would come soon. I don't know how much longer I would be able to continue without knowing how they were.
I shook my head and glared at the news angrily.
How could you Anakin? How could you help destroy one of the very things I fought so hard to keep? Why? Why wasn't my love enough for you? Why weren't our children enough for you? Why? I thought angrily.
Has my grief turned to hate? Absolutely not. I would never…could never hate him. I love him so much still. A part of was still holding onto the hope that if I were to come face to face with him I could turn him back. Somewhere in the depths of Darth Vader lurked my husband. I longed to free him from the hold the Emperor had on him and return him to me. I needed him. He needed me and our children needed us. They should not have to live in hiding in constant fear of their lives from their own father.
I turned off the news and sat in the silence for a few minutes. I closed my eyes and thought about Luke and Leia. They were five months today. I wondered about them. What were their personalities like? Were they like Anakin or me? Or were they completely different people? What would they grow up to be? Would Luke aspire to be a Jedi like his father? Would he be a pilot like him? Would Leia be like me and become a politician? Or would she choose a different path? Just last night I found out on the news that Bail and his wife had adopted a little girl. Her name was Leia. She was five months old. I guess I wasn't too surprised to find that Leia was with him. So perhaps she would become a politician like him and me. But what of Luke? Where was he? Who was he with? Did they give him the love he deserved?
A part of me wanted to get a ship and fly to Alderaan and see Leia. But remembering what Obi Wan told me stopped me from acting too rashly. He told me that their force signatures were too strong and they would react very strongly if I came in contact with them. And if that were to happen both Vader and the Emperor would notice, and the care they took to protect me and my children would be gone in an instant. We would no longer be safe.
I stood up and forced myself to stop thinking about them and my former life. All of it was gone. All of it was dead. My dreams died the day that Anakin turned. All I wanted was Anakin and his love, but that wasn't enough for us. I had to stop thinking about them. Maria Antus is who I am now. I am no longer Padme Amidala Naberrie Skywalker.
I made a promise to myself right then and there. From this moment on I will never think about Anakin, Padme and the children. That life has long since died.
I walked into my bedroom and lay down on my bed. I stared up at the ceiling for what seemed an eternity until I gave into sleep. That night I dreamt of my former life as a Queen and when I first met Anakin.
"Are you an angel?"
"What?"
"An angel. I've
heard the deep space pilots talk about them. They
live on the
Moons of Iego I think. They are the most beautiful creatures in
the
universe. They are good and kind, and so pretty they make even the
most
hardened spice pirate cry." He responded.
I stared at him not knowing what to say. "I've never heard of Angels."
"You must be one…you just don't know it." He insisted.
"You're a funny little boy…"
I woke up with a start. It was 0700 standard hours in the morning.
Sith spit. I'm going to be late.
I jumped up out of bed and hurriedly put on pants and a tunic, grabbed my bag and ran out of my apartment at a breakneck speed.
I arrived at the warehouse an hour later and rushed inside. Zaia was there waiting for me at the table.
"Sorry I am late." I apologized but offered no excuse.
"It's no problem. I just arrived here a couple of minutes ago. Let's get started. The Kaminoan language is complicated because you have to learn a new alphabet set."
Just wonderful. I thought to myself.
And so we sat there learning the language. According to Zaia it would take a couple of days to learn the language because of the character set. We spent the entire eight hours learning the language with an hour break in between to eat and rest.
When we were done with learning the language I left the warehouse and headed home. I repeated my nightly ritual of eating, showering and watching the news. The news was always unsettling. The Emperor once again passed another law giving him full power to arrest anyone he wished without a warrant. And the law gave him the power to execute anyone he believed was against the Empire. The Empire was on now basically a dictatorship. I rubbed my hand on my forehead and sighed deeply. I couldn't believe what had become of the galaxy and the republic. I got up and went to pour myself a glass of red wine. I sat back down and continued watching the news.
There was some news about Senator Organa and his adopted daughter in the entertainment section of the news. An image of him and Leia appeared on the news. I sat up straighter and stared at her. She was beautiful. She had my dark hair and dark eyes. I inhaled deeply and continued to stare at her. How I longed to hold her in my arms. I turned off the news and stood up. I washed the glass and put it away and yawned deeply. It was getting late. Tomorrow would be another long, dull day of learning languages. I hated to admit it but I was missing the combat and weapons training. I liked the constant moving. Yawning deeply again I walked back to my bedroom and collapsed onto my bed. I fell into a deep sleep. Once again I dreamt of Anakin and when he proposed to me.
We were heading back to Naboo after he was taken care of by the healers. He glared at his new mechanical arm spitefully. I studied him carefully.
"What happens to us now?" I asked more to myself than to him.
He looked up at me and stared at me intently. His blues eyes penetrated my soul.
"Was it…was it true?" He asked timidly.
"Was what true?"
"What you said…about loving me?"
"Of course it is. Why would you ask such a thing?" I frowned.
"I'm sorry, I just had to make…sure." He replied while staring at the ground.
I stared at him.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Padme…I love you and I can't imagine my life without you in it." Anakin said hurriedly.
"I love you too Anakin…"
"Padme…will you…will you marry me?" He asked.
My jaw dropped. "What? Are you serious?"
"I've never been more serious about anything before." He said firmly.
"But what about your duty as a Jedi? You know we can't marry. You are a Jedi and I am senator. It would destroy our careers." I said.
"I don't care about that. All I know…all I need is your love. You are my light. You are my life. You are the best part of me. I don't want to continue on without you a part of my life. Please Padme…marry me." He pleaded.
I stared into his eyes. Could I marry him? I did love him…a lot. But was I ready to be a wife? Am I ready to be Padme Amidala Naberrie Skywalker? Could I be Mrs. Skywalker? I felt my heart flutter as I thought of my surname as Skywalker. Yes. I could. No…I needed to be Mrs. Skywalker. Nothing would make me happier.
"Yes. I will." I said.
He stared at me stunned. "Really?"
"Yes really." I laughed.
He laughed too and pulled me into a crushing embrace. I looked up into his eyes and kissed him as if there was no tomorrow.
We married that evening at the Naboo Lake Retreat. I was officially Mrs. Skywalker.
I woke up with a start. It was 0700 in the morning. I got out of bed and changed into a pair of brown pants and a white tunic. Grabbing my cloak and bag I left the apartment. I arrived at the warehouse to find Aeron there looking grim.
"There has been a change of plans. My contact told me to tell you that there has been a…situation and we need to move faster than planned."
"Faster than planned?" I asked.
"Yes. In three days we need to strike."
"Strike? In three days?"
"Yes. There is an envoy leaving Coruscant carrying Captain Palis Elray. He is one of the Emperor's most trusted advisors. You are to go on board the ship pretending to be a soldier of the Empire. You will kill him with this," He pointed to a dart, "and leave with the utmost of discretion. We will have a ship ready and waiting for you when you are done. You will need this tracking device. You will keep it on your person at all times. When you are finished hit this button and we will pick you up as soon as possible." He said.
I swallowed thickly.
Three days? But that's too soon. I'm not ready for this. I can't…
"I know it is short notice but we have no choice. We have a lot of work to do in the next two days to get you prepared. Let's get to work." He walked away.
I stared at him briefly and then ran after him.
And so it begins.
A/N- I know it has been a long time since I updated but since I had time today I decided to get up the next chapter. I don't know when the next chapter will be up but soon hopefully. I am not really happy with this chapter and so I may go back and fix before I add another chapter. I don't know yet. But please review/criticize and let me know what you think.
