Chapter 2: Without You
Kurt's gaze stayed on Blaine, on the way his eyes kept following Kurt's and running away from them at the same time. He couldn't move and yet his hands were trembling slightly. "I will have caprese salad and tiramisu for the dessert, please. And something to drink." Maddie said with a sweet smile obviously unaware of the fact that something strange was happening to her friend. "I really shouldn't…but I'll take the diet coke."
"And I will have pesto-rubbed chicken with panzanella and a glass of water." Frank said struggling to pronounce the word panzanella.
Kurt, and it seemed like Blaine too, weren't listening to them and instead just watched each other. "Blaine." He said the name and it sounded so foreign on his tongue, almost wrong and yet still amazing.
Before he had a chance to say anything else or at least get his thoughts into some order he heard Rachel's high-pitched voice. "Blaine Anderson!" She almost squealed. The woman stood up from the chair and without any warning threw herself at Blaine wrapping her arms around the man's shoulders and holding him tightly.
Blaine didn't take his eyes off Kurt and just stood frozen in place with his eyes so sad and vulnerable that it was breaking Kurt's heart. Finally, somehow he managed to get a hold of himself and think more clearly. His hands stopped shaking but his heart kept beating loudly even though Kurt tried to remain as calm as he could. As Rachel continued to hug Blaine who still looked like he wasn't all there Kurt noticed how quiet everything was. Maddie and Frank kept looking at Rachel and Blaine with curiosity while occasionally casting a look at the blue-eyed man.
Rachel finally pulled away and only then Blaine finally looked at her and something between a frown and smile appeared on his face. Looking closely Kurt noticed how much his ex-boyfriend had changed. He was looking into the same honey-colored eyes but they were somehow darker, more defined and mature. The gel in his hair was almost non-existent compared to his over usage in high school and Kurt found himself curious as to what Blaine was doing in Boston of all places.
"It's so good to see you, Blaine!" Rachel said cheerfully holding Blaine's hands in her own. "But what are you doing here waiting tables? Is this your only job? Do you live somewhere around here? Why aren't you in New York or Los Angeles?"
"Too many questions at once." Blaine said with a small smile. His eyes darted to Kurt but he quickly looked back at Rachel.
"Yeah, I see." Rachel said and turned around to face Maddie and Frank. "This is Blaine Anderson. He's my high school friend and Kurt's…um…" She trailed off looking apologetically at Kurt.
"Ex-boyfriend." Blaine finished for her and his smile faded.
"He should join us." Frank said with a warm smile. "We could use some company and you guys could catch up."
"That's a brilliant idea!" Rachel exclaimed, obviously forgetting all about good manners. She didn't even bother to tell Blaine who Maddie and Frank were. She was looking at Blaine hopefully and still holding his hands. Then she seemed to realize that Kurt could have something against Blaine spending time with them considering their past and she fixed her gaze on him instead. "Right, Kurt?"
"Right." Kurt replied, still a little too shocked to form any proper sentence.
"My shift has just started." Blaine said sadly but to Kurt it didn't sound like he was sorry at all about it. "I have to work if I don't want to get fired."
"Oh, I get it." Rachel said as she finally let go of Blaine's hands. "We're actually staying in Boston for a week so we'll have plenty of time to meet up and catch up on our lives." She said with a bright smile attached to her face.
"I really don't know." Blaine said, much to Kurt's surprise. "I am very busy and I literally can't find time for anything."
Rachel frowned. "I'm just asking for an hour or two. Nothing more than that, unless you want to, of course." She paused for a moment, obviously noticing that Blaine still didn't look convinced. "I've just really missed you, Blaine. And I'm sure Kurt has too."
Kurt's cheeks turned bright red as once again Blaine's gaze landed on him. His eyes seemed to be constantly searching for something but Kurt didn't have any idea what that was. Of course he missed Blaine. But he somehow had learnt how to live without his smile, without his touches and without sweetly whispered promises. He wanted to say something but his mind was completely blank and even as he opened his mouth still nothing came out and he probably just looked like a fish.
"I…I don't think that's a good idea." Blaine said looking down at the notepad in his hand. He quickly scribed something and looked back at them but this time his eyes avoided Rachel and Kurt and instead focused on Maddie and Frank. "I will get your food as soon as I can. Have a good time." And with that he turned away from their table and started walking towards what Kurt assumed was kitchen.
"Wow…that was…a lot." Maddie summarized quirking her eyebrows and smirking while her gaze travelled between Kurt and Rachel. The brown-haired woman sat back down looking both mad and concerned.
"I can't believe he has just bailed on us like that!" She said obviously angry and hurt. "Why would he do that?"
Frank looked at Kurt questioningly. "Is there some kind of bad blood between the two of you?"
Kurt sighed glancing towards the kitchen. "Ugh, it's hard to say." Kurt said shrugging. He looked back at his friends not really wanting to touch upon this particular subject but knowing that they wouldn't stop asking about it. "We didn't end on a good note. Blaine…he cheated on me and that was that. I moved on a long time ago but maybe he still hasn't." Kurt knew that some people would probably want revenge but he had managed to get control over his emotions some time ago. Of course he kept wondering what if. Of course he still felt anger sometimes over what had happened. Of course he still missed Blaine but it was alright now. It really was.
And yet he really wanted to see Blaine again and find out why he was so distant, why he didn't want to talk to them. "Oh, then I guess it may be a little awkward for him." Maddie said propping her head up on her hand. "He's hot though."
Kurt chuckled. "Well, yeah."
"You should go talk to him." Rachel said lifting up her gaze and looking at her best friend with determination. "He was so talented and yet I haven't seen his face anywhere. I need to know why he's not making a name for himself in New York. Tell him that it's alright."
"Rachel…I don't think it's your place to tell Kurt what to do." Frank said.
"No, no." Kurt quickly said. "She's right. It's really fine and well, I want to know how he's doing too." Kurt admitted. "Do you think I should go there now?"
Rachel nodded her head gaining a head shake from Frank and an amused snort from Maddie.
Kurt rolled his eyes fondly and raised from his seat before slowly maneuvering between the tables. His heart was beating fast for some reason and his hands were shaking again as if he was about to sing in front of a big crowd of people.
It was weird. He shouldn't feel this way. It wasn't a big deal after all. Just a (hopefully) friendly conversation between two people who shared their past.
He spotted Blaine at the other end of the restaurant talking to some costumers. Blaine's back was turned to Kurt and his shirt was a close fit so he couldn't help but notice that his ex-boyfriend had obviously lost some weight during the last few years. It was a little worrying but Kurt knew he wasn't there to give Blaine a pep talk or anything like that. When the man was done taking their order he turned around and started walking towards Kurt. When his gaze landed on the blue-eyed man he stopped dead in his tracks and it seemed like he didn't know what to do.
"Can we talk?" Kurt asked, really hoping that Blaine would let him say what he wanted to say.
"I really can't find any reason why you would want to talk to me." Blaine said bitterly looking anywhere but at Kurt. It hurt.
"I just wanted you to know that what happened all these years ago…it's alright now. I mean…yeah, sometimes it still hurts but I don't feel so angry about it anymore." He paused for a moment studying carefully Blaine's still stern face. "It's all in the past and I don't know about you, but I would love to know what's going on in your life. We could talk some time. You, me and Rachel."
Blaine finally looked up at Kurt and he thought something bright flickered in his hazel eyes. "I'm sorry but it is really not a good idea."
"Why?" Kurt asked desperately, longing to see the Blaine he remembered from high school and not this man he couldn't even recognize.
Blaine bit his lip looking conflicted. "I…I am busy."
"Well, I get it." Kurt said crossing his arms over his chest. "We're busy too. But we're not that busy. And you can't be either."
Blaine's face hardened. "How can you know that?" He asked and his voice was not weak anymore. Now it was low and deep.
Kurt sighed. "Blaine, please."
"Why do you care so much?" Blaine asked, now looking angry. "Why can't you just go back to your perfect life and leave me alone?"
"Blaine, don't be like that." Kurt said tiredly. "I just wanted to talk…that's all."
"Well, maybe I don't want to talk to you." Kurt almost yelped in surprise and it felt as if an arrow just went through his heart. Blaine's words really hurt him. Kurt looked closely at Blaine, studied his face and body, shocked that he couldn't find the sweet boy that he had once known and loved. "Now I really have to go back to work, Kurt." And without saying anything more Blaine walked right past him leaving Kurt more confused than ever.
He walked back to their table to find three sets of curious eyes obviously waiting for him. Kurt sat down at the table and looked at his friends trying to compose himself. "Well, it seems like Blaine doesn't want to talk to us after all."
"But why?" Rachel asked, clearly shocked and still upset.
Kurt shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not really sure." He answered helplessly. "But we should just do what he asks as to. Let's respect this decision."
"Umm, okay, I guess." Frank said, and clearly that fact that they wouldn't get any dirty details on Kurt's past was far more upsetting to him than Blaine's weird behavior. Kurt wasn't really surprised.
"And you're fine with that?" Rachel asked, doubtfully.
"Yes, I am." Kurt said doing his best to convince both Rachel and himself that this was really how he felt.
"You don't care? At all?" This time it was Maddie and Kurt rolled his eyes noticing a smirk playing on her lips. She was clearly having too much fun with that.
"We're different people now. Maybe it's better to leave our past behind." Kurt said looking down at his hands. When he looked back up Rachel seemed to want to say something but she kept quiet and so did Maddie and Frank.
Their food wasn't brought by Blaine and Kurt tried to trick himself into thinking that he really didn't mind. But he was very surprised to find his favorite pasta on his plate and what seemed to be the only vegetarian dish on the menu on Rachel's.
As Blaine walked up the stairs he still could feel angry tears threatening to fall. He kept blinking and trying to get the image of two blue orbs out of his mind but it didn't really help. The thoughts kept entwining together and falling apart all at once and Blaine could feel a migraine coming. He tried to push it all to the back of his mind but it was to no avail.
When Blaine found himself in front of the door number 24 he didn't even bother to knock. He just unlocked it with his key and walked in. As soon as he set his foot inside the apartment a strong smell of cigarettes filled his nose rids and once again his eyes started watering but at least this time it wasn't from the amount of feelings clouding his mind.
Blaine locked the door and rolled up his sleeves feeling hot from the lack of air-conditioning. Even before he walked into the small living area Blaine knew what he was going to see there. As predicted he found Julie barely conscious sitting on the sofa with a smoking cigarette held between her slim fingers. She lifted up her gaze and smiled lazily at Blaine before taking a drug. Blaine just stood there watching his friend, too upset and confused to do anything.
The girl was half-naked, her skin was moist and shining in the dim light coming from the lamp and in front of her on the table was a bottle of vodka and two small glasses. Julie, not without some difficulties sat up a little more straight and poured the alcohol into the glasses. "You want some?" She asked nodding at one of the glasses.
"No, thanks." Blaine replied even though he wanted to get lost in the alcohol and forget about everything. "And you shouldn't drink that either." Not waiting for her replay Blaine walked over to the table and snatched the bottle away. The girl reached out her hand trying to grab it but Blaine was way too fast for her imprecise movements.
"It's mine!" She said glaring at Blaine and trying to stand up from the sofa. Luckily she fell right back down and didn't attempt to pull herself up again.
"Well, not anymore." Blaine said firmly, feeling exhaustion slowly catch up with him. He had hoped to talk to her about everything but of course he should have known better than that. "Go to sleep and come over tomorrow. We can look through job offers together." He proposed.
Julie rolled her eyes smirking. "I don't need a job." She said and reached down to her pants pocket. "Look what I've got here." She took out a few bills and started waving them in front of her like a fan. Soon enough she dropped all of them but didn't bother to pick them up. "See? I'm perfectly fine."
Blaine wanted to cry. It seemed like they weren't making any progress whatsoever. "You really don't have to do this." He said. "Just come over tomorrow."
"Maybe." She replied taking another drug and blowing out the smoke as if it was the coolest thing to do ever. "I'm trying to learn some tricks, you know?"
Blaine sighed. "Goodbye, Julie. See you tomorrow."
"Leave the bottle, please." Julie said pointing at the item in Blaine's hand.
"Yeah, right." Blaine said walking towards the door.
"You know I can just go and buy another one?" She called after him but Blaine didn't even stop to look over his shoulder.
"Then go. See if I care." Blaine said knowing that she wouldn't do that anyway. She would most likely just go to sleep. At least that's what Blaine hoped for.
He exited the building still holding the bottle firmly in his hand. He looked at the liquid wondering what he should do with it. Just a few feet away there was a trashcan and the rational part of Blaine's mind kept telling him that he should just throw it away but the mere idea of sweet obliviousness overflowing his mind seemed way too tempting.
Maybe Blaine should have a little bit more respect for himself and hide the bottle somehow but he didn't and just walked down the street with the shiny object in plain sight. As soon as he got home Blaine turned on the radio in hopes of getting his thoughts occupied with something and sat down on the floor leaning his back against the coffee table and without bothering to bring a glass he opened the bottle and took a long sip welcoming the liquid burning down his throat.
Although instead of forgetting about the previous events a bunch of memories started flooding in and Blaine couldn't keep his tears at bay anymore. He didn't have to hide his feelings from anybody but crying over Kurt felt like admitting to himself that he still missed him. That a part of his heart still belonged to the blue-eyed man.
That Blaine still loved Kurt.
But it didn't matter right now. He had screwed everything up a long time ago and that wasn't even the biggest reason why they shouldn't talk to each other. Blaine couldn't let anybody see what was going to happen to him. If Kurt knew he would want to help Blaine and even if not he would surely contact Cooper or God forbid his parents and tell them about everything. Then they would appear at his doorstep in a few days time. Blaine couldn't let that happen. He wouldn't be able to look them in the eye. He wouldn't find enough strength to disappear again.
Blaine took another sip and closed his eyes feeling the tears slowly run down his hot cheeks. He had thought about Kurt many times. He had searched the internet in hopes of coming across his name and discovering that he was now a big Broadway sensation. He had a few times. He had found out that Kurt was an up and coming star and it couldn't make Blaine any prouder.
After another sip the alcohol started flowing through Blaine's vines and instead of falling into an emotionless slumber Blaine started wishing that Kurt was right there next to him. But then the thought of Kurt seeing him like that made him realize that what he really wanted was to come back to the way they were before. Before the illness and before Blaine's cheating.
But Blaine started thinking that maybe it was all for the best after all. At least Kurt didn't know anything and could live without the prospect of watching his loved-one slowly die in front of his eyes. Blaine would never let that happen for as long as he had any say in it. But now everything could spiral out of control and Blaine had to put an end to it while there was still time for that.
After a few more sips Blaine realized that maybe after all he would have to talk to Kurt. What if he called Blaine's parents anyway and just asked them what was wrong with him and why he refused to talk? Not only Kurt would know what was wrong with Blaine, he would also tell his parents where he lived and everything that Blaine had so carefully built for himself would shatter into pieces.
But maybe Kurt would listen to him and leave him alone. Yeah, Blaine liked that idea.
And yet when Blaine was at the edge of consciousness some part of him realized that deep down he wanted Kurt to look for him and not give up.
One more sip. It was all it took for Blaine to finally forget and stop hurting.
"Mark wants to see you. I don't think it's good." Kurt rolled his eyes at that and continued to wash off his carefully-applied make-up. He was tired and sleepy. Talking to Mark and listening to his remarks was the last thing on his mind.
"What does he want?" Kurt asked sharply examining closely his expression in the mirror. Once the make-up was gone he noticed dark circles under his eyes and his alarmingly grey complexion.
Maddie shrugged as she sat down in front of her mirror and also started working on getting rid of the make-up. Kurt didn't really think it was necessary in her case since she was going to apply even thicker layer of powder and God knows what else later on anyway. "I don't know but he seemed pissed."
Kurt groaned running his hands through his hair. "I just don't know how to please this guy anymore."
Maddie smiled sadly at him putting away her make-up kit. She span a little on her chair so that she was facing Kurt. "You can't sleep, huh?"
Kurt sighed and slowly shook his head. "I don't know what to do anymore. It's a miracle when I sleep for two hours during the night."
Maddie reached out her hand and rested it on top of Kurt's knee smiling in sympathy. "You keep thinking about him, don't you?"
Kurt really wanted to deny it and say it was just a weird case of exhaustion but he knew that the girl could see right through him so laying was pointless. "Yes." He said simply. It was getting out of control. Each time Kurt tried to fall asleep he could see a set of sad honey-colored eyes. It was hunting him. Each turn he took he thought he saw a glimpse of him and yet each time it was someone else.
Maddie squeezed his knee reassuringly but it failed to provide any comfort. "I would say that a honest conversation would solve it but…"
"…but he doesn't want to talk to me." Kurt finished for her sadly.
"Yeah." She said looking down. "But maybe you could try again."
Kurt shrugged. In reality he really wanted to but if Blaine didn't want to see him then maybe it was wiser to just stay away and carry on as if nothing happened. But the true was that Kurt didn't think he could. "I don't know but I'll think about it." Kurt said smiling slightly.
He finished taking care of his appearance and then started his search for Mark. He really wanted to avoid seeing him but it would surely not help with his case. The director would be even more pissed and nothing good would come out of it, so Kurt pulled himself together and knocked against the door to his office before walking in.
"You wanted to talk to me?" Kurt questioned looking at the man. He was sitting behind his desk and typing on his computer, most likely booking their flights or hotel rooms. When Kurt spoke up he lifted up his gaze and nodded at the chair opposite him before going back to typing on the keyboard. "Can we please make it quick? I really need to take a nap." Kurt said hoping that his positive attitude would somehow help with sleeping.
"I am really not satisfied with your last performances." Mark said and Kurt was a little taken aback by how straight-forward he was. "You seem tired, your voice is not as good as usual and most of the time you just look bored."
Kurt frowned. He didn't know it was that noticeable. "I am really trying my best."
"Well, then try harder." Mark's voice was both sad and disappointed. He closed his laptop and looked straight into Kurt's eyes. "The opening night was outstanding and now while everyone is still amazing you're falling behind. How would you explain that?"
"There has been a lot on my mind lately." Kurt said flatly.
"The audience and critics don't care about that, Kurt." Mark said. "I put my money into this project and I can't have you ruining everything for me. You need to pull your shit together and if nothing improves for the rest of our stay here I will have to replace you. I'm sorry."
Kurt's eyes widened. "No, you can't do that!" He said, feeling panic bubbling up inside of him. "You know this is my big chance. You can't take that away from me." He knew it was desperate and he should control his emotions better but now Kurt was not only dead tired but also mad and terrified.
Mark sighed rubbing his neck. "You know I like you. Kurt."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Well, I haven't noticed any kind of affection coming from you."
Mark ignored his little remark and just carried on. "But this is also my big chance."
Kurt wanted to say something snarky but he was just too tired to come up with anything witty. "Okay. I promise I will try to do better."
"Thank you." Mark said seeming pleased with his answer. "This is all I'm asking for. Don't waste your chance." He paused for a moment studying Kurt's face carefully. "And if you have trouble sleeping just buy some pills."
"I will." Kurt promised. "Is that all?"
"Yes, go and rest." Mark said gesturing at the door.
Without saying good-bye Kurt raised from his seat and left the office wondering what he should do next. Well, first he went to the nearest pharmacy and bought the recommended sleeping pills. It was only a temporary solution but he really needed to be well-rested if he wanted to keep his job, so it had to work for now. Then he walked back to the hotel, locked himself in his room not wanting anyone to disturb him and took the pills.
While he waited for them to start working Kurt thought of Blaine. As much as he wanted to think that he really didn't care about him anymore and just continue doing his thing without the need to talk to Blaine he knew it wasn't true and he would have to do something about it. Blaine didn't want to talk to him but there had to be a bigger reason behind it other than just feeling guilty. Blaine wouldn't just turn away from him without something serious forcing him to do so.
Kurt had to stop this madness. He had to find Blaine, talk to him and set things straight between them. Then he would move on and everything would be fine. He was sure of it. When he started feeling the soothing sensation of sleep overwhelming his whole body he laid down in bed and pulled his pillow close to his chest hoping that he was cuddling something, or someone, else.
When Kurt woke up he finally felt better. At least physically. When he checked his cell phone it turned out he had a few missed calls from Rachel but most importantly he discovered that he had slept for more than twelve hours. It was already past 9 AM which in Kurt's case was scandalously late.
Even though Kurt knew he should rehearse with his crewmates he was sure that it wouldn't really improve his performance. So instead he decided to visit the little Italian restaurant again in hopes of spotting Blaine and possibly getting to talk to him. He didn't even know if Blaine was working that early or if the restaurant was even open but he decided to give it a shot anyway, not being able to stay still anymore and ignore the urge to see Blaine again.
When Kurt reached the restaurant it was still relatively early so he wasn't surprised at all to find the door closed. But when he looked inside he noticed a girl, probably a college student moping the floor. Without thinking too much Kurt started knocking against the door. The girl looked up at him and raised her eyebrows, obviously confused. She leaned her mop against the counter and slowly, maybe even cautiously started walking towards Kurt.
Kurt hoped she would open the door but instead she just pointed at the close sigh, looking bored. "Can you open the door, please?" Kurt asked loudly not ready to give up so easily even though it was clear that Blaine was not inside.
"Can't you read?" She said rolling her eyes. "Come later."
"It's important." She must have noticed the desperation in Kurt's eyes as her face softened slightly and she finally cracked the door open.
"What?" The girl asked, still obviously bored. "I would love to chat but unless you want to help me clean up this place I'm afraid it's impossible."
"I promise it won't take long." Kurt assured her. "I just…I really need to talk to Blaine Anderson."
The girl narrowed her eyes. "What for?"
"It's…it's personal." He said. "Can you please tell me when his next shift starts?"
"No." The girl said shortly. "I don't want anyone to sell out information about me so I don't do that either. Besides, Anderson doesn't date so forget about his ass."
"Um, it's not really about that." Kurt said attempting to smile nicely at her. The girl was starting to get on his nerves but he was determined to keep his emotions at bay and not waste this opportunity. "I don't want to pick him up or anything. I just want to talk." She still didn't look convinced as she just kept looking up and down Kurt's body, obviously judging his appearance. "And it's fine if you don't want to tell me anything about him. Just give him my phone number and tell him that Kurt Hummel wants to talk to him, okay?"
The girl was silent for a moment. "Maybe." She said at last.
"Give me your phone then." Kurt said.
"What?"
Kurt rolled his eyes. "I need to type in my number somewhere, don't I?" Reluctantly, the girl handed him her smartphone and Kurt typed in his number. "Thank you for your help." He said handing back the device.
She shrugged. "I can't promise you anything."
Kurt smiled sadly. "I know."
"But I'll try." She said softly, surprising Kurt.
"Thanks. I appreciate it."
As Kurt walked back towards the hotel he realized he wasn't feeling any better but at least now he had hope and that was more than nothing.
A/N: I really want to thank all of you who spend time reading this story. It means the world to me that people find it interesting. Every time I see a new review or follow my heart grows just a little bit. Thank you. It really makes my day ;)) Please, leave a review and tell me what you think!
