World So Cold

My whole body becomes tense when his lips touch mine, my mind unable to fully process the sudden action. I don't have much time to think though, because all logical thoughts fly right out the motherfucking window when he gently tries to deepen the kiss. That's when my brain decides to promptly shut down and a powerful feeling of desire washes over me, making my body automatically relax while my mouth eagerly opens to allow him entrance. My eyes close and I can't stop myself from moaning when I taste his tongue with my own. He didn't taste like 'death' at all...though, I couldn't quite figure out the exact flavor either, making my body crave it even more. His taste kinda reminded me of autumn...if you could actually give autumn a taste. He tasted like cinnamon almost, spicy yet cool...but there was also something sweet mixed in with it...vanilla maybe? But it was also pleasingly bitter at the same time...

While I'm trying to figure out his exact taste, I faintly hear something heavy fall on the ground before I feel his hands grabbing onto my waist, pulling me closer to him so that our bodies were now completely flushed together. My hands instinctively weave themselves into his hair in order to pull his face closer to mine, and despite feeling the coldness of his skin, that's not why my body starts shivering, as it continues to feel increasingly warm. I-It felt so familiar being like this...natural even...why–?

"Sorry to interrupt, Boss, but we have a serious problem!"

A woman's voice snaps me out of my daze and I stop kissing him instantly. D-Did I just...? My eyes widen in realization, my hands already moving to his chest to try and push him away but with little success, as Antonio refused to let go of my waist. I'm panting heavily as I struggle to get out of his grip, not wanting to believe what I just did. I mean, what in the flying fuck was wrong with me? This bastard wanted me to kill and send Feliciano to Hell and I was...kissing him? And I...I actually liked it too, a lot...that thought alone makes it almost impossible for me to breathe. How could I do that to Feliciano? My only living family...my little brother! I'm unable to stop a few tears from running down my face, as I continue to try and get out of his iron grip, getting more and more frustrated by the second. Goddammit all! Why won't he fucking let go of me!

"Antonio, you need to let go of him...you can't force him to remember. If you try to, you'll only regret it later on...," whispers the same voice from before, a sad tone replacing her earlier urgency. Antonio looks confused for a moment and doesn't do anything, simply watching my face carefully before he nods solemnly and reluctantly lets go, the action (along with my near frantic struggling) making me fall backwards until I hit the wall. Before my mind can even register that I'm free, my body is already stumbling away from the alley as fast as it can, making sure to take the route that was away from those two...fuck, I don't even know anymore!

Everything becomes a blur as I keep running until I physically can't run anymore, the burning in my lungs forcing me stop in the middle of some random park. As soon as I slow down to a walk, I allow my body to crumple down on the ground, grateful when I land on the soft grass instead of the hardness of the dirt path. I simply lie there and breathe rapidly, the adrenaline still coursing through my veins. Letting my eyes close, I focus on my heart rate as it starts to gradually slow down, not wanting to think about what happened just yet. After a long moment, my mind starts to wander and I finally let the images of what happened flow into my mind, trying to make some sense of it all. When I find none, I groan and have the overwhelming need to curl into a ball, but simultaneously feeling too lazy and tired to do it. How the fuck can I make sense of what just happened when it doesn't make any fucking sense to begin with? Maybe...maybe it was all just some fucking demented dream? I subconsciously lift a couple of fingers to my lips, no...it wasn't a dream. No matter how hard I try to deny that fact, I already know it deep down...besides, everything just felt too real and...familiar...why did it feel so fucking familiar...?

I grit my teeth in frustration and feel like slamming a fist into the ground as hard as I can, why doesn't anything make sense anymore, dammit!

"You really shouldn't run off like that, querido...it's not safe, you know."

My eyes snap open and I frantically scramble up until I'm standing, looking around me but only seeing the surrounding trees and a couple of scattered lampposts here and there. What the–?

"Up here."

I immediately look up to see Antonio lounging comfortably on a tree branch, his figure illuminated by a lamppost that was somewhat close by. His expression was unreadable while his emerald eyes seemed to practically glow in the dim light, staring down at me unblinkingly.

"What the fuck do you want from me!" I demand angrily, though I'm unable to stop the feeling of fear from bubbling up inside me. No matter how hard I fucking tried, I couldn't get rid of it...the feeling was too overwhelming. It made it much worse not knowing what I was exactly afraid of...

I knew that it wasn't Antonio himself though...for whatever reason. Even though that didn't make any fucking sense whatsoever when I thought about it...

B-But it got me thinking...if I wasn't afraid of Antonio then...

What was I so afraid of?

Antonio looks saddened all of a sudden, a frown forming on his face.

"You're afraid...," he whispers remorsefully, ignoring my question. I'm about open my mouth and deny it, but his voice interrupts me, "Why is it that you still don't remember me?" His tone wasn't angry, it just sounded defeated...

Devastated, almost.

"Stop talking in fucking riddles and answer me, dammit!" I scream, now trying to also push back this unexplainable feeling of guilt at the hurt in his voice, "What the fuck do you want from me?" Antonio cocks his head to the side and furrows his eyebrows.

"Isn't that obvious?" he asks softly, disbelief in his voice before he's gone in a blink of an eye. Before I can register what happened, I feel two familiar arms wrap themselves around my body delicately, as if terrified that I would break.

"Can you really not figure it out, mi querido?" Antonio breathes in my ear, his voice sending a shiver down my spine that, to my utter embarrassment, wasn't entirely unpleasant. I start blushing madly and begin to struggle to get out of his grip, but as soon as I start to move he lets go of me instantly. Turning around, I'm about to scream at the bastard, only to stop when I find no one there. Looking around, I spot Antonio on the same branch as before, only this time he's standing on top of it.

"But you tried to get me to kill my little brother and send him to Hell!" I reason, even if he was telling the truth...even if he cared so much about me like he seemed to suggest...why the fuck would he try to force me to do something as...as monstrous as that to Feliciano? It didn't make any sense!

Much to my surprise, as soon as the words leave my mouth, Antonio's expression begins to morph into one of pure anguish.

"I had no choice but to tell you that! I had to do something drastic this time or you would've failed again!" he defends, his tone desperate, "If I went with the original deal of only killing a loved one like all the previous times, then you would've had no reason not to!" I feel my face twitch uncontrollably, feeling extremely offended by his statement.

"Like hell I would, bastard!" I shriek at him, the motherfucking nerve of this asshole! Antonio lifts a disbelieving eyebrow at me.

"Are you saying you wouldn't have just killed him if it meant not suffering in Hell for eternity?" he asks, but before I can respond he cuts me off and continues, "After all, he will die one day...there is no being of Life that can escape that fate." As much as I wanted to adamantly deny his words, I find myself unable to make myself do so. I feel the all too familiar feeling of self-disgust multiplied tenfold when I realize why I couldn't make myself deny it because...because I realized that his words were indeed true. I love my little brother, and he was everything to me...I would do anything to keep him safe and happy but...but would I be really be willing to suffer in Hell for all eternity in exchange for his life? I...I fucking hated thinking it but...but if it meant that he didn't have to suffer, and that he'd go to Heaven instead of Hell, a-and...I gulp loudly, it was so easy to come up with multiple reasons on why it would be 'okay' that it sickened me to my very core...how could I even think about doing that to him? The devastating guilt threatens to swallow me whole as I feel something wet start to flow down my face, how could I keep betraying Feliciano like this? I must not be even human to even consider it...m-my priest was right: I really don't deserve to be lov–

My thoughts are interrupted when I feel myself being held in someone's strong arms, holding me close to their chest with my face tucked in the crook of their neck, as one hand delicately weaves its fingers through my hair. I don't move a muscle as their other hand starts to rub small circles in my back, obviously trying to calm me down. It works for some reason, and all the pain and guilt starts to slowly melt away until my entire being is left feeling numb. I continue to allow Antonio to hold me, unable to find the strength, let alone the fucking will, to push him away.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, mi querido...," Antonio mutters softly, "That is a completely different circumstance. Remember, you didn't waver for a moment when refusing to send your brother to Hell...do you think a human with such a 'tainted soul' as you believe yourself to have, would have done the same? But, querido...did you ever stop to really think about the deal?" I frown at his question, still feeling slightly disconnected from my body. What was he trying to say?

"Do you think it makes sense...to trade a person's place in Hell by killing another?" he elaborates gently when he doesn't hear a response from me, "Let alone allow someone as pure as Feliciano to suffer in Hell for the sins of another?"

"What are you saying...?" I finally ask, still not being able to fully grasp his words, though my mind was starting to clear up enough that I felt like I already knew the answer.

"You just said the words yourself, remember...?" he responds patiently, rubbing his nose against my hair, "Death is inevitable and everyone must die when it's their time..."

"And no one can interfere with the natural order of this world...," I mutter, finishing his sentence for him, his words finally clicking in my head. So that would mean that he...? I quickly move back and push myself away from Antonio, faintly registering how though he immediately complied and let go, he kept his hand on my waist.

"You lied to me," I state simply, surprising myself on how unangry I felt, "Why?"

"I already told you," he answers, but answers my question nonetheless, "I had to do something drastic this time, even if it meant breaking my promise to you. I couldn't bear to watch you suffer anymore..."

"What are you talking abou–?"

"Shall I help remind you then, querido?" he interrupts, moving a cold hand to tenderly cup my cheek, his emerald eyes staring at me with such intensity that I feel my voice die in my throat, "Emma was right, I can't force you to remember...after all, I don't want to destroy your sanity by making you remember six hundred and eighty-four years all at once...though I can make the process much easier for you. But I can't do that unless you want me to. So tell me 'Lovino'...," Antonio pauses for a moment to slowly lean in, placing a small kiss to each cheek before he moves his head to murmur in my ear, "Do you want to remember? Do you really want to know the truth?"

My eyes widen and I swallow loudly, continuing to remain silent as his questions repeat themselves over and over in my head.

Do you really want to know the truth?

Do you want to remember?

The answer that immediately came to mind was 'yes'...because I desperately wanted to know why he felt so familiar...why he holds me the way he does, why he k-k-kissed me the way he did...

Why I felt so safe with him, despite everything that he's done...

B-But then there was this other part of me that had this sinking feeling that if I said 'yes', the truth could possibly end up consuming me.

That's when I finally understood...that that was what truly terrified me all along...

It was the 'truth'.

Because I wasn't entirely sure if I would be able handle it.


A/N: This chapter was named after the song, World So Cold, by Three Days Grace.