Wow! The response to the last chapter absolutely blew my mind! I honestly expected to have to really work to defend my position… not so. Between and FFFW, you were all totally supportive… no convincing on my part necessary. Thank you so much for that!
That being said, I have no intentions of dragging this process out too much. You're going to see a little bit of progress with each new chapter… I love Jalice too much to leave them hanging in the balance for too long! ;-)
Enough from me for now… enjoy the chapter!
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, themes, and dialogue are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer and no copyright infringement is intended.
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Chapter 3
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Alice
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When Jasper let go of my hands, I crumpled to the ground, my legs unable to support me any longer. I was crushed. My heart felt like it had been shattered into a million tiny pieces scattered on the ground. As he turned and walked away, my world came crumbling down around me – the future I'd been so certain of had vanished completely. Everything I'd lived for had been turned to dust in a moment.
He hadn't believed me.
And what's more… he'd been planning to kill me.
I'd seen it. I'd seen the hands I'd only ever envisioned loving me tearing my body to pieces and lighting those pieces on fire. I hadn't wanted to believe it could be true, but the vision had been absolutely clear. Even now, I didn't have a clue what had changed his mind – what had made him decide to leave me alive.
I felt like everything I'd ever wanted had been placed right in the palm of my hand only to be snatched cruelly away in the next moment. What was I supposed to do now? My body curled further towards the dirt as I buried my face in my hands, giving in to the heaving sobs gripping my chest.
Did you really think it would be that easy? A quiet voice in my mind questioned.
After everything he's been through, you know he doesn't trust anyone. He's been given every reason not to. Why should he immediately trust you… a stranger to him.
I should have known better. I should have known it wouldn't be as easy as I'd dreamed. I'd imagined that he would take one look at me and feel for me what I had always felt for him. How naïve I'd been. I saw that now.
How much do you love him? That voice of reason questioned again.
Enough to search for him for nearly thirty years.
But do you love him enough to fight for him? Even if he never wants you the way you want him? What if he never changes his mind… what then?
The thought was like knives piercing my already broken heart.
The future had become all muddled… I couldn't see anything clearly anymore. What if I was wrong? What if he could never love me? Did I love him enough to fight for him if that was the case?
For a moment, I contemplated leaving now as he obviously expected me to – going on with my life without him. I could go find the Cullens… I could try to make a life for myself there with them… no… I knew that would never work. My life was with him… whether he wanted me or not. It always had been.
There was only one path possible for me to take.
Taking several deep breaths to steel myself for the fight I knew was coming, I rose, dusting the dirt from my knees, and pursued the trail his scent had left behind. Even after such a short time in his presence, I knew his scent would be ingrained in my memory forever… I would recognize it absolutely anywhere.
I ran as quickly as my feet could carry me. I'd waited so long for Jasper, I couldn't just let him go that easily. I'd seen how it could be for us, and that wasn't a dream I was willing to let die. Whether he wanted me or not – whether he believed me or not – I loved him with my life… and now I had to prove it to him.
It didn't take me long to catch up to him. He wasn't running with his full strength, which I thought was odd. He'd obviously thought that someone was with me – someone pursuing him with the intent to harm him.
When he sensed me closing in, though, he spun around on his heels, his eyes blazing. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he hissed with teeth clenched. There was venom in his voice and seething in his eyes as he glared at me. My heart lurched painfully in my chest again. I'd never imagined that tone directed at me. But still I stood my ground, looking right into his fearsome eyes.
"Jasper, I know you don't have any reason to trust me. And I know what I'm telling you sounds impossible. But it is the truth. I've spent my whole life waiting for you, and I can't just let you go now that I've finally found you."
His eyes sized me up, looking me up and down coldly. "Well, I'm afraid you've wasted your time, little one." His voice was like the sound of splintering ice. "I don't want you."
I winced at his declaration. A physical blow would have hurt far less than that. "Jasper, please – "
"Go back to wherever you came from."
I hadn't thought it was possible for my heart to break anymore, but as he turned to leave again, I found myself proven wrong. I breathed deeply several times, trying to quell the crushing pain his words caused.
"All I'm asking is a chance to change your mind." I said weakly with his back turned to me once again.
"No." He said simply, not bothering to turn around, and started walking away.
Ignoring the throbbing in my chest, I gathered up the broken pieces of my heart and followed him.
He ignored me for several miles, not giving any indication that he was aware that I was there. Finally, he whirled around with fire blazing in his eyes. "What part of I don't want you did you not understand?"
I flinched but didn't run as the ire in his voice suggested I should. "What part of I'm not giving up on you do you not understand?" I questioned back, sounding far braver than I felt.
We stared each other down for long moments before he finally stepped back. "You have no idea what you're getting into," he said in a low, threatening voice.
"I'll take my chances." I said, not backing down from his gaze.
"Well, I hope you can keep up then." He said spinning back around on his heel. His legs were longer than mine, but he hadn't fed in a while making our strength even out just a little bit more.
We ran for miles. He never acknowledged me. He never once looked towards me. He was trying to intimidate me – to make me want to leave. But I wasn't going to let him.
The sun set… and then rose the next morning.
He never slowed. He never so much as turned his face in my direction.
Another day passed… another long night.
Finally he turned to me as darkness fell on the third night and our steps brought us to the outskirts of a small town.
"I have to hunt," he said coldly.
"I'll wait here," I said in a mere whisper. I didn't dare trust myself to go with him. My control wasn't that certain.
He raised one eyebrow skeptically.
"I don't drink human blood," I told him before he could ask.
"Then how do you survive?" He asked, and the tone of his voice suggested I was insane.
"Animal blood doesn't taste quite the same, but it serves the same purpose. It keeps me strong."
He scoffed and then walked away without another word. I waited… watching for him to come back, but at the same time, trying not to see him feed. My throat was flaming at just the thought, and I didn't want to tempt myself quite that much.
It would have been wise to hunt as well while he did – it had been about a week and a half since I had last fed – but I didn't want to go too far. I was afraid he would try to leave me behind. Nothing in the future was certain right now.
To my surprise, he didn't try to evade me while he was in town. He came back the same way he had gone in. When he returned, his eyes were a glaring crimson in the night, but that wasn't the most obvious change. The wall around him had clearly been redoubled and fortified. His face was drawn in a tight scowl. His eyes were hard… and completely emotionless. He looked ten times more forbidding than he had before.
I knew how his depression always seemed worse after he'd fed. I'd seen that pattern many times. It hurt me not to be able to help, though. I could see that now wasn't the time for me to say anything about it, though. He would be anything but receptive to me at the moment.
And so our pattern continued for days afterwards – constant motion, and never a word spoken. He pointedly ignored me, trying to run me off, I assumed. I was more stubborn than that, though. Eventually he'd realize that I wasn't going anywhere.
As days passed, and it was fast approaching three weeks since I'd fed, I felt my body growing weak. It was getting harder and harder to keep up with his punishing pace, yet I didn't want to say anything. I just kept pushing myself to go farther.
A week after his own hunting trip, he finally acknowledged me. "You're lagging behind." He pointed out abruptly.
"I'm trying to keep up," I said.
He sighed in blatant frustration, running a hand through his wind-blown hair. "Your eyes are pitch black. Go hunt… or whatever it is you do." There was no room for argument in his tone, but I tried anyway.
"I'm fine." I lied.
"I have no intentions of standing here and arguing with you." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Go."
I bit my lip, debating on whether to ask the question I couldn't see an answer to. He was growing impatient the longer I just stood there.
"Well?" His annoyance was obvious.
I opted to swallow what little pride I had left and speak the truth. "I'm afraid that you won't be here when I get back. That I won't be able to find you again." I said in a small voice.
He rolled his eyes, scrubbing a hand over his face. "Oh, for the love of – " he heaved a sigh. Catching and holding my gaze deliberately with his, he folded his legs beneath him, sitting cross-legged on the ground. "You have one hour. I won't move during that period of time."
I scanned through the future, determining if he was telling the truth… to my great relief, I saw no evidence of him breaking his word.
"One hour," I repeated to him. "I'll be back."
And with that, I sped through the forest, catching the scent of my prey as quickly as possible. Three deer and forty minutes later, I turned back around and raced to where I had left Jasper. He was sitting motionless in exactly the same position as before.
A smile broke over my face seeing him there.
He had waited for me.
My joy at seeing him seemed to take him off guard. "That was quicker than I expected." He said, standing.
"Thank you," I beamed at him.
"For what?" His forehead creased in confusion.
"For waiting."
He shrugged. "You would have come looking for me again anyway. I just saved us both some effort."
I giggled, feeling light from the combined effects of the fresh blood in my system and the fact that he hadn't run away from me when he knew I'd be preoccupied. It was quite a far cry from the fervent profession of love that I had dreamed of, but, if nothing else, it was a step in the right direction. I hoped.
"Now who's seeing the future?"
He snorted in response, but the sound wasn't quite as harsh as before. I fell into step beside him again, daring to hope that maybe, just maybe, we might at least be finding the road to progress.
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Jasper
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I was behaving monstrously.
I knew that. But I wasn't quite sure how to change it.
I had not the faintest idea what to make of this persistent little woman at my side. It had been more than a month now since she had found me. Only a handful of words had been passed between us, but that still didn't deter her. I barely acknowledged her, but she showed no signs of giving up.
One thing I knew, she posed more of a threat to me than Maria ever had.
Maria had only ever cared about me as a soldier. She had no interest in me as an individual. Our relationship had about using each other in whatever means provided the most benefit to ourselves… she used me for my particular talent with the newborns, and I used her for herd lands to slake my thirst.
I had walked away from her without a second glance, and I had absolutely no regrets for that. There were no lingering fond feelings for her whatsoever. In fact, I would be perfectly content never to see her again.
The little sprite keeping pace with me now posed a different kind of threat altogether. With her wide eyes, almost childlike in their innocence, and her brilliant, eager smile, she was steadily chipping away at the barrier around my heart. I was drawn to her in a way that I couldn't explain.
She made me want to feel again.
I hadn't let myself truly feel anything in many, many years – it was simply safer for me that way. I had quite effectively kept everyone away. But this one woman threatened that. She made me want to open myself up – to let her in. And that, quite frankly, scared the living hell out of me. I reacted the only way I knew how – in self defense… constantly pushing her away.
So many times I caught her gazing at me as we walked. There was an intense longing there, but conversely, there was a strange sense of contentment as well. Out of my peripheral awareness, I would see her hand inching for mine, but then she would slip it back to her side with a sense of disappointment. It would almost seem that she wanted to touch me – and yet there was no aggression to be found in her. I couldn't make sense of it.
She was an enigma to me… a breathtakingly beautiful mystery.
Our wanderings had led us up to the coast of Maine. There was no rhyme or reason to my steps – no destination in mind – I just walked.
Evening was approaching along the deserted shoreline. As always, Alice kept pace at my side, occasionally trying to make conversation, but falling quiet when I made no response.
Her sudden intake of breath beside me, caught me by surprise. I turned to look at her in curiosity, but her eyes were glued to the western sky.
"Jasper, look," she breathed in wonder. I looked to see what had her so spellbound. The sky was painted in brilliant hues as the sun sank closer to the horizon. Wisps of clouds were tinted the most vivid colors imaginable.
"Could we stop here for a few minutes? Please?" Alice looked up at me hopefully.
"Why not," I said tersely, shrugging my shoulders. She didn't seem to notice my brusque tone, she was too enraptured watching the setting sun.
It had been almost a century since I had been cognizant of any kind of beauty around me. Anything that might have held any beauty had been overshadowed by the gruesome carnage of war. War's inescapable destruction left absolutely nothing in its path untouched. That had been my sole focus for more than eight decades… and I hadn't realized what I'd missed in all that time… not until this one tiny woman had danced into my life, doing her damnedest to remind me.
Her innocent wonder as she watched the sunset bled over into me… it was… pleasant. And any pleasurable emotions had been foreign to me for longer than I cared to recall.
"Come with me," I said quietly, without stopping to consider it first. She nodded and followed me without question, letting me lead her along the shoreline, up the rocky cliffs to a better vantage point. I couldn't say for sure why I made the effort, but her simple joy warmed places inside me that had been dead for long years. I couldn't explain it even to myself, but I wanted to hold onto that inner warmth for just a little while longer.
Lavender, fuchsia, sapphire and gold shimmered in the water, mirroring the colors of the setting sun. Alice was captivated by the rich colors of the sunset reflected from the still waters below.
And I was captivated by her.
I watched the sunset reflected in her eyes… and it was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen… almost more beauty than I could bear.
Her eyes, more golden than the sky, were wide, transfixed by the heavenly splendor. The sense of awe and amazement she felt as she watched the play of colors seeped into the very marrow of my bones. Just as it had when she'd taken my hand in the diner more than a month ago, hope rose up in my chest – though even now I wasn't entirely sure what exactly it was that I hoped for.
Alice was quickly worming her way past my defenses. I wasn't certain how much longer I could hold her off – and I was fast losing sight of why I should.
Gradually the sunset faded and stars came out to twinkle in the darkening sky. Alice turned to me with the remnant of her smile still sparkling in her eyes.
"Thank you," she whispered reverently. "That was beautiful."
"Yes," I agreed softly. "It was." She couldn't know I wasn't referring to the sunset.
"I'd never seen the sunset over the water like that," she told me. "The water was just like a mirror wasn't it? I had no idea the ocean was that big," she said almost without a breath. "It's all you can see no matter how hard you look."
"You've never seen the ocean before?"
Alice shook her head, "No. At least, not that I can remember." A flicker of uncertainty passed over her features, dimming the brightness of her smile.
"Would you like to stay and see if the sunrise is as colorful as the sunset was?" I asked, cocking my head.
Her eyes shot up with poorly concealed excitement. "Could we?"
I shrugged. "Do you have anywhere pressing that you need to be?"
"No," she giggled, and I found to my surprise that I liked the sound of her girlish, carefree laugh. "Nowhere at all. I'd like that, Jasper. Thank you."
I sat down, settling against one of the trees on the edge of the cliff face. Alice sat down beside me, a little closer than she'd been before. Her head tilted back, looking at the stars.
"Alice," I spoke without contemplating first. She looked at me in surprise, and I realized that this was the first time I'd spoken to her without prompting and simply for conversation's sake. It was also the first time I'd used her name since our first, disastrous conversation.
"Yes?"
"You said before you don't remember your transformation. What do you remember?" I asked, genuinely curious to unravel a little of the mystery she presented.
"I don't remember anything of being human," she said quietly, picking at a strand of grass and toying absently with it. "Not even the faintest glimmer. I don't remember who I was. I don't remember who changed me, and I don't have even the slightest clue why they would have in the first place. I don't remember anything before seeing you… and then you were gone and I woke up. And I was alone."
"You really don't remember the pain?" I asked incredulous. That was by far my most vivid human memory.
She shook her head. "No."
I had so many questions swirling in my mind, but I didn't even know where to start – or even if she would answer. I hadn't exactly been – nice – the last time she'd tried to give me answers.
Alice smiled as if she could see the battle being waged internally. "You can ask me whatever you'd like. I'll answer the best I can."
"You say that you see the future. How does that work? What do you see?"
She picked up another blade of grass when her finger had torn the first into tiny pieces, "It's not a concrete thing. The future's always changing… it's always in motion. And when people change their minds – make even the smallest decisions – their future changes with it. I see the path they're on while they're on it. The more resolute their decision, the clearer the vision is."
"Do you just see just anyone's future? People you don't even know?"
She smiled again, "Not all the time. Usually I'm more attuned to certain people. You, for instance. You've always been especially clear to me." Alice's voice became wistful as she spoke of me. She gnawed on her lower lip, bringing her knees up and wrapping her arms around them. There was a longing I felt from her once again – a longing I couldn't quite make sense of.
"There are others too," she continued. "There's a family of vampires who live like I do – feeding on animals. Vegetarians they call themselves. I see them often as well."
"A family?" I questioned thrown off by the use of the unfamiliar word. "Don't you mean a coven?"
"No," she said assuredly, "they're not a coven. They live and interact as a family with a father and mother-figure and the three others they've adopted as their children."
"Is that why you feed as you do? Because of what you saw them doing?"
"Yes, partly." She hesitated again, thinking. "I started out hunting humans, of course. I didn't know to resist the first time I smelled blood; I just acted on instinct. But as time went on, I didn't like the way it made me feel when I took someone's life away. I felt kind of… dirty, I guess. It didn't seem right for me to take someone's life just to sustain my own."
Strangely I wasn't angered by her words even though they struck so close to home. I'd felt the same way many, many times in the past.
"That's our nature, Alice. It's not something we can help."
"I know that, but we do have a choice. It's not for everyone, of course, but there is another option besides the obvious."
"Is that what you expect of me?" I asked, looking right into her eyes, fighting not to notice just how deep the pools of her irises were. I could drown in those eyes if I didn't watch myself.
A strange look came over her face… something I couldn't identify. "I've seen you like that in my visions before, so I believe it's a possibility. But do I expect it? No. I didn't come to change you, Jasper. I just wanted to be with you."
"Why?" I questioned in a low voice. "I can't fathom why you would want that – why you would have actively searched for me. You say that you saw me? Then you must have seen even a fraction of the things I've done… of what my past entails. And even now, do you realize that this is the first real conversation we've ever had. I don't understand, Alice. After all that, why would you want to be with me?"
Alice looked at me then, her heart laid naked and vulnerable in her eyes. "Because I love you, Jasper," she said fervently, her voice almost caressing my name. "I've always loved you."
I'd known that on some level already. I'd felt it from her time and time again. But hearing it spoken aloud very nearly made me come undone.
"You shouldn't." I said, belying the emotions, so long suppressed, now fighting to the surface.
"But I do. And it's not something I'd choose to change, even if I could." There was a long silence between us as we both processed the night's revelations.
"Could I ask you a few questions now?" Alice asked hesitantly a long while later.
"If you'd like," I said, glancing at her. "I suppose I owe you."
She smiled and gnawed on her lip, thinking. "When were you changed?"
"In 1863, during the Second War for Independence."
"Were you a soldier then, too?" Her brow crossed in concern.
"Yes."
"Is that why the others called you Major?"
I looked at her in surprise. How could she have known that? Then I remembered her particular gift. It was odd, to say the least, to think about anyone seeing so much of my past when I'd had no idea they'd even existed. But little by little, her gift was becoming something I couldn't deny.
"It is. I was a Major in the Confederate army."
"How old were you?" Concern was written on her face again… concern that I didn't understand.
"When I joined the army or when I was changed?"
"Both."
"I was almost seventeen when I enlisted. Nineteen when I was changed."
"You were so young to see so much," her voice was soft, pained almost.
"I was a soldier. That was what I did." I shrugged as if it was of no consequence.
"I know, but still. It hurts me to think of you like that," she said almost without realizing she spoke aloud.
"Then don't," I snapped. Her obvious concern for me touched more deeply than I wanted it to. That alone frightened me, so I did the only thing I new to do – hiding behind my walls again.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just don't like to think about you being hurt." Her sincere remorse was like pins pricking into my flesh. She was apologizing for caring… because I made her feel like that was a bad thing.
I shrugged, feeling that I should apologize too. That wasn't something I had much practice with, though. Thankfully, she didn't wait for me to. She changed the subject, choosing to stay with lighter subjects the rest of the night.
She asked me a few more questions, and then carried much of the conversation herself when my answers remained brief. Against my will, I found myself enjoying just the sound of her voice. It had a musical quality to it, bright and clear, like little bells. To my surprise, I realized I could listen to her talk for days and not grow tired of it.
She shifted several times through the night, making it look like she was just changing her position, but, every time, she moved just a little bit closer to me. That same longing that I'd noticed so many times in the past was back and even stronger than before. By the time the sun rose that next morning, she was sitting mere inches from my side. And I was surprised to realize that I'd let her get this close.
When the sky began lightening with the colors of the dawn, she shifted again slightly. Her little hand crept closer to mine, slowly, cautiously, like she was waiting for me to draw away. Against my better judgment, I didn't. Her fingers covered mine lightly, not applying any pressure, just gently caressing.
I stiffened at the unfamiliar touch, my mind having been conditioned for so many years to think of our bodies as weapons. She stilled her hand, biting her lip again, and I knew she was waiting for my rebuff. The tentative joy she'd felt had been replaced with crushing disappointment. I was affected far more than I should have been the downward spiral of her emotions.
She waited for me to move, but I didn't. I didn't encourage her touch, but I didn't pull away either.
I wasn't prepared for the blinding sense of joy she felt when I didn't withdraw from her. Her fingers fell through the spaces between mine naturally, her thumb rubbing slow, gentle circles on the side of my hand.
The warmth of her touch was strangely soothing to me. I had been inured to the destructive nature of our bodies during my time as a soldier. Our immortal hands were used to crush, to break, and to kill. Gentleness was a forgotten concept… until now.
The touch of her skin on mine caused me to feel the depth of her love for me that much stronger. It was more obvious to me now than ever before… and yet I understood it even less. Her profile beside me was angelic. Peace and contentment were written on her perfect features.
I glanced down at our connected hands. Her skin was flawless, entirely unblemished, and that only made my flaws stand out in stronger contrast. The hundreds of overlapping scars on that one hand alone stood in stark dissimilarity to her innocent, unmarked skin.
Purity against corruption.
Innocence against iniquity.
Light against darkness.
It was almost more than I could bear. Slowly, almost reluctant to lose the painful pleasure of her touch, I disengaged my hand from hers and stood. She looked up at me, not seeming at all surprised by my withdrawal.
"It's time to go, isn't it?" She asked regretfully.
"Yes."
"All right." She nodded and stood, brushing away the dirt clinging to her dress. She looked up at me, not even trying to mask the tenderness of the love shining in her eyes. "Thank you."
"There's nothing to thank me for." I said abruptly, trying to rebuild the portions of my defenses that she'd managed to penetrate… a feat that was growing a little harder for me to accomplish with every day spent in her presence.
"Yes. There is." The bright liquid gold of her gaze somehow managed to see right through me… right past those defenses straight to my heart.
I shrugged and turned to leave, knowing she would be right beside me. As we walked back into the cover of the trees, her hand slipped into mine once again, fitting like it was made to be there.
I didn't have the heart to pull away again. But by this point, I wasn't wholly certain whether it was for her sake… or mine.
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Thanks for reading! Please take a second and let me know what you thought… hearing from you is a large part of the fun for me. :-)
Nik
