Mizu: And it keeps getting heavier. This chapter focuses on Izuku retelling his past and his attempt at self-harm. Again, a lot of this story is based on my own experiences with bullying, depression, and anxiety. I will apologize if it seems that Izuku is stuttering too much. When I wrote this chapter, I worked myself almost into a panic so that my thoughts while writing would be more easily transferred and feel more genuine. Unfortunately, when I have panic attacks, my brain and mouth short circuit and getting through sentences can be difficult. Please let me know if this makes it hard to read or if it breaks the scene.

Disclaimer: I don't own My Hero Academia. All rights to the characters belong to Kohei Horikoshi.

One final warning that this chapter delves into bullying, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm.


Chapter 3


"I-I was Q-Quirkless."

There was pure silence for seconds after his declaration. A pencil slowly rolled off of Todoroki's desk, the clatter sounding like the world crashing down around them.

"B-Because of a rare genetic m-mutation, my quirk never manifested," Izuku went on, eyes locked firmly on his shoes, "E-Even so, the only thing that I ever wanted to do was to b-become a hero. S-So I studied. I studied and studied and analyzed every piece of information I could about heroes because if I didn't have a quirk, I needed something that would make me stand out. If I studied hard enough, I could impress s-someone that could teach m-me...something. Anything that might have made it possible. I-I tried to join the martial arts club in middle school but they kicked me out because I didn't have a quirk good for fighting. When I tried to join a dojo, the kids would use me as a punching bag until I left after a day or two since I couldn't fight back as much.

"I-In school, I was targeted because I was the only one that didn't have even a weak quirk," Izuku continued. He wanted to stop. He knew that he was going to say something that he was going to regret but it was like he had been holding back a failing dam for years and there was no way to stop the water any longer, "I-I was bullied. R-Relentlessly. When I was little, it was just name calling. Insults tossed at me from everyone that I knew. N-Nobody wanted to play with me or be my friend b-because then they would be a target too. S-Some of the teachers, early on, did try to stop it. O-One even let me eat lunch in the computer lab so that I could h-have a safe place. But others just stood there. Waved it off b-because that's what kids do, right? They're mean. Th-They hurt others because they don't know any better. It'll be good for me, right? Toughen me up for the r-real world. S-Some probably j-just didn't care because I was just some quirkless kid."

Izuku licked his lips, fighting back tears as he continued. He didn't dare look up at his classmates. Couldn't look at them. He didn't want to see what he knew would be there, "I could handle the verbal abuse. I can't remember how many times I would chant "sticks and stones" inside my head. B-But that was wrong. I-is wrong. Words can be just as sharp and deadly as knives. I didn't realize it but by time I had gotten to middle school, I w-wasn't in a good place mentally. I stopped reacting as much to their taunts. I got to school late and left before everyone else so that I could minimize how much time I had to listen to them. And they noticed. I-It wasn't as fun anymore, I guess. Words could hurt but if I w-was already numb inside, they didn't get the same thrill. S-So...one day, it escalated."

"Escalated?" someone whispered. He wasn't quite sure. It came from his right so maybe it was Iida or Uraraka. Or maybe Asui. Whoever it was, they sounded unnerved.

Izuku nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. The freckles on his cheeks scrunched together as he fought against his own emotions, "I-It started with just getting pushed around. "Accidentally" shoved into the wall. My shoes thrown into the pond. Sometimes, my backpack would be tossed into traffic. Then I would be tripped down the stairs," someone gasped, "The pushes and shoves started leaving bruises. S-Some would use their quirks if they thought they could get away with it. I-I have a divot in my leg from where a kid with a rock quirk launched one into my shin. I got used to having to walk through the day like I wasn't in pain. G-Got pretty good at hiding them from my mom and cl-cleaning cuts and scrapes."

Aizawa and Toshinori both clenched their fists in anger. They knew it had been bad. It had to have been to cause the seemingly always sunny boy to have thoughts of suicide. But hearing just how bad made their blood boil. The retired hero fought to keep from glaring at Bakagou. He knew that he had been one of the green-haired boy's tormentors. The explosive teen was gritting his teeth, burning his desk where he gripped it till his knuckles turned white. Anger fused with regret flooded his face. It seemed that he at least realized that he had made a mistake when they were growing up.

"I-I hid a few spare uniforms at school in c-case the day got too rough because I didn't want my mom to worry. D-Despite it all, I still wanted to be a hero," Izuku murmured, voice barely loud enough for the class to hear, "I just...back then, I don't think I really understood what I wanted. I knew that I wanted to be a hero because a hero is someone that helps others. M-Maybe I wanted to help people like me...M-Maybe I was being selfish and just wanted to help myself."

"What do you mean?" Toshinori asked quietly. He had never heard this side of his student.

Izuku sniffled, fighting valiantly against the tears as a few snuck through, "M-Maybe...back then...Maybe I clung so tightly to the dream of being a h-hero because n-nobody had been one for me."

Several hearts broke at the boy's words.

"N-Nobody ever truly stepped in to stop them. The teachers eventually all gave up. None of my classmates stopped the bullies because they would be targeted too. M-My mom tried, I-I can remember her going to the schools and pleading with the teachers to reign in the other students. Sh-She called parents. I listened to her cry herself to sleep because I was born without a quirk and she knew that my life would be hard. I hated it," Izuku hissed out the words, head hung low with his shoulders bunched up, "I hated that I was the reason that she was crying. So I started hiding things from her. I wore long sleeved shirts all the time. Studied up how to make bruises fade faster. I-I tried standing up for myself and that only got me punched harder! I ran away and that only got me a face full of gravel or concrete! I...I wasn't faster than them. I wasn't stronger than them. I-I was...weak.

Izuku choked on a few of his words, "A-All I ever wanted was for someone, anyone, to reach out and tell me that they were wrong. That what they did was wrong. What they said was wrong. That I wasn't a useless, quirkless kid that would forever be everyone's punching bag. But on top of it all, I didn't want anyone to feel the way that I did because, god...some days...some days I just wanted it all to end."

More tears rolled down freckled cheeks, splashing on the cold floor. Several faces mirrored his own, pain echoing through the room. There was the slight smell of something burning but it was largely ignored.

"O-On those days, the only thing that kept me going was my dream. I-I poured everything I had into trying to become a hero so that I didn't have time to think about anything else. It was too painful to! S-So I filled out notebook after notebook, dreaming of the day that I could be like one of the heroes in them," Izuku had to stop. He had to get his crying under control. Stop before he revealed the one secret he had never told anyone. His mind screamed for his mouth to stop but his heart, which had been hurting for so long, had taken control. He couldn't stop, "B-But then...one day, during my second year in middle school, I-I walked into the classroom and saw a vase with a r-red spider lily* sitting on my desk..."

Cries rang out through the room. Many of the students were openly crying. Iida and Uraraka had jumped up and looked like they were ready to tackle the boy when Bakagou flew up from his desk.

"The hell?!" Bakagou roared.

Izuku flinched, drawing further into himself.

"I don't remember those fucking side characters doing that bullshit!" Bakagou snapped, but from how pale he was, they all knew that he believed their fragile friend.

"I-It was th-the week you were gone f-for your g-grandfather's funeral," Izuku forced out, "I-I never talked about it s-so I didn't expect you to know about it."

Bakagou growled as mini explosions went off in his hand. He looked like he was going to charge Izuku so Aizawa stepped between the two. Part of the teacher wanted to stop the boy from continuing but knew that with how stubborn the problem child could be that he would not be successful.

"...I...I-I think something broke in me that day," Izuku confessed, eyes losing their trademark shine, "O-Or maybe something had always been broken and I was just too stupid to notice. I don't know. I-I just remember seeing the flower on my desk. I could practically hear all of their taunting laughter. Like I should have seen this coming. Like it was my fault that it had come to this. I...I don't remember how I got home. I had been standing in the classroom just staring at that damn flower, and th-then, I was back home, staring myself in the mirror.

"I couldn't recognize myself," Izuku whispered, "The person that was looking back at me couldn't have been me. They mocked me. The person in the mirror was everything that I had never wanted to be. Cold. Lifeless. Just a broken doll ready to be thrown into the fire. I hated it. I hated me. Staring into that mirror, I felt so much disgust for who I had become. I-It wasn't fair though! I-I couldn't help it! I didn't have a quirk! It wasn't my fault that I drew life's short straw! It wasn't my fault! But...I-It had to be someone's right?"

Izuku's voice squeaked out at the end before he bent down on shaky legs. Toshinori took a step forward, thinking that the boy was at his wit's end. He was stopped as he watched the boy slip off his left shoe.

"E-Everyone knows h-how doctor's check for quirks, r-right?" Izuku asked. Silence was the answer, "D-Doctors x-ray y-your feet to check if your p-pinky toes have one o-or two joints. I-If you have two, th-then you are 99% likely t-to never develop a quirk..."

"Oh god," Momo's quivering voice rung out.

Izuku bit down on his lip as he pulled the sock off his foot. Standing back up right, he slowly lifted his foot up for everyone to see. Uraraka dove for a trash can with Kaminari not far behind. Looks of horror reflected upon each student's face. Bakagou fell back into his seat. Aizawa stared with wide eyes as Toshinori stumbled into a wall for support.

Balancing on one foot, Izuku held out his left for all to see. A long scar ran down the left side of it before merging into a mass of scar tissue at the base of the pinky toe. Said toe did not look like a pinky toe any longer. It was too small, a nub of what the toe should have been, like it had been cut off just below where a toenail should be. It also jutted out slightly to the left, sticking out from the rest of the foot. The scars were jagged, as if the toe had been sawed off rather than chopped. And, as if to mock all those that saw it, there was a single freckle sitting innocently near the top of the nub.

Izuku lowered his foot back to the ground but didn't move to cover it, "Th-That day, I did something that I truly regret. I...My brain latched onto the idea that it was because I had two joints in my toe that everything was so wrong. That those two joints in my damn pinky toes made all the difference to the world. Th-That it would get better if I just got rid of them.

"I-I remember going into the kitchen and carefully looked through all the knives we had. I wanted to make sure it wasn't one that my mom used often because then she would find out," Izuku bit down on his lip again, flashbacks of that day rushing forward, "I-I thought that I could make it better. H-How much different would it be to treat this than all the other injuries I had treated myself? I cleaned the knife and my toes with alcohol, got some strong yarn from my mom's c-craft room to t-tie off the bleeding, and grabbed as many towels as I could handle."

The hands that had been clenched at his side the whole time finally came up to wrap themselves around himself, "I-I can still remember it all so clearly. I-It made so much sense at the time. I sat d-down in the bathtub that w-way I could clean up th-the blood easily. M-My mom didn't have to kn-know and this w-would finally, finally, make it all better, right? I chickened out twice b-before I finally made the first chop."

Quaking legs could no longer hold him. Collapsing onto the ground, Izuku did his best to fight against his urge to curl into a ball, "I-It hurt so much. And there was so much blood..." he began rocking back and forth, "B-But at the same time, th-there was so much relief with that pain. I-It was the first time I had done it to m-myself. F-For so long it felt like everyone else held so much power o-over me b-but I-I was doing this! I-I finally felt like I had control over something about myself! It felt...euphoric."

There were several more sounds of students retching. Toshinori and Aizawa weren't much better.

Izuku laughed madly, bitter tears freely running down his face, "B-But the knife was so dull. I-It couldn't cut through the bone. S-So I lifted it again. This time, it was so much easier to bring it down. I swung it down as hard as I could but it still wasn't enough. So I tried to position the knife over the joint and saw through it. I lost my grip several times because of the blood. The only thing I was thinking was how good it felt despite all the pain and how I needed to hurry up so I could treat this foot and then do the same to my other before my mom got home."

He seemed to realize how he was unnerving his classmates as he took several trembling breaths before continuing, "...during all of this, my homeroom teacher probably did the only heroic thing anyone had ever done for me up until that point...she called my mom and told her what had happened and that she needed to get home to see if I was there. I was almost all the way through my toe wh-when I heard my mom come crashing through the front door. Panicking, I started to desperately chop off what was left. It didn't matter if I didn't get to the other toe that day. I just needed to finish before she came in and then I could worry about it later...

Izuku shivered at the memory, "...I don't think I have ever heard anyone scream the way my mom did when she threw the bathroom door open. I froze mid-swing and she dove for the knife. I-I refused to let go though. Th-This was the first time that I felt in control of anything. Wh-Why did I have to give that up? We struggled for what felt like forever. I-I managed to break away from her and tried one last time to chop my toe off...my mom, her quirk lets her pull small object toward her. Desperate to stop me, sh-she used it on the knife. S-So instead of chopping my toe, it sliced down the side of my foot before falling to the ground next to her."

Izuku grew quiet, tears silently falling down their cheeks as their shoulders shook. Carefully, Toshinori knelt beside the boy and placed a hand on his shoulder. He couldn't take this anymore. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that his successor had been through such a traumatic experience. At his touch, Izuku launched himself into his mentor's chest, knocking the poor man back onto his behind. Wails echoed through the room.

"I-I-I don't remember what happened next! M-My mom told me that I screamed at her for stopping me but I can't remember! Sh-She was so hurt by it all b-but I can't even remember what I said!" Izuku cried, "I-I woke up in the hospital so confused by everything. N-None of the staff trusted me a-and treated m-me like I was like a plague on th-their resources or something! When I first woke up, m-my hands were r-restrained to the bed s-so I couldn't hurt myself anymore! B-But I-I was so scared b-because I woke up with no one there an-and no one would listen to my pleas for help! I-It wasn't until my mom came in that they finally let me go...B-But sh-she almost told them to leave them on! Sh-She was afraid of what I would do! I-I had caused my mom so much pain th-that she couldn't even trust me!"

Toshinori did his best to rub soothing circles into the teen's back. He was sure that other nearby classes could here Izuku's cries. Looking up, he saw Iida and Uraraka coming to stand next to him. Tears rolled their faces before they kneeled beside him. Nodding, he let them wrap their arms around their weeping friend. He didn't do anything to fight them off. Though, Toshinori thought with a grimace, Izuku might not have even realized that they were there. The sound of crying was interrupted by the ringing of the bell. However, neither teacher moved to leave. Whoever tried to come in right now would have hell to pay for intruding on this sensitive matter.

Izuku sniffled after about fifteen minutes, body finally too exhausted to keep crying, "...after that, I started going to therapy and put on medication. It helped but nothing seemed to completely erase that hatred I had. I went back to school after a week more to try and cheer my mom up than because I was ready. Nobody at school was told about what happened and my life continued the way it had been. Probably wouldn't have made any difference anyway."

Momo jumped from her desk, "What do you mean that it continued? What about that teacher?! Didn't they do anything else?"

Izuku shook his head, freckles running against the coarse material of Toshinori's suit jacket, "When I showed back up, they figured that I was fine. I don't even think the kids really got in any trouble. Th-That's just how my school was."

"That's horrible," Ochako whimpered, stealing the boy from Toshinori's grasp and burying her face in curly locks of forest green.

He merely sighed slightly, dull eyes locked on the ceiling, "...I know that a lot of people who are quirkless don't have the same experiences as me but there are those that do. A-And that kid that committed suicide...I can relate too much with it all. A-As much as I wish to change it, the fact is that I still remember thinking along the same lines as they had. And looking back on it now, I hate those thoughts. I-I don't want them. I shouldn't still think them, right? I've got a quirk now. E-Everyone would probably think that I should be "all better", right?"

"Stop that!" Iida snapped, having bolted to his friend, firm hands grabbing those tear-stained freckled cheeks and forcing Izuku to look at him, "There is nothing wrong with admitting that you still are fighting these thoughts! It means that you know that there is a problem and you want to get better! There is no easy way through them! Fighting for this long has been hard, right?! You know that there is no cure all for it!"

Tears pricked at emeralds yet again.

"That's right!" Mina called out, also on her feet. Soon the rest of the class was standing as well, "There will be bad days! But that's why you have friends!"

"Totally!" Kaminari nodded enthusiastically, "All you have to do is ask and we'd all jump in to help you!"

"Nobody should go through what you have," Tokoyami stated cooly, "I apologize...I should not have ever thought that just because someone does not have a quirk that they cannot be strong. It seems that they have to be some of the strongest."

"Ah! I-I was just one kid," Izuku hurriedly tried to soothe his classmates. The teachers shook their heads. Just like him to worry more about others, "O-Others might have had different experiences!"

"That's not the point," Ojiro gripped his fists tightly, "We were all thinking of the quirkless as weak. That because of that they should just be happy with what they were given and make the most out of that."

"That wasn't fair of us," Toru continued, "They are still people. We shouldn't think of them as less. They are don't deserve that."

Izuku stared at his class with wide eyes filled with awe as the rest of the class echoed similar sentiments. The echoes of that fateful day at the start of his third year of junior high coming up in comparison. Bitter laughs slowly crept up his throat until he was shaking his head at the irony.

"Deku-kun?" Ochako asked, petting his hair.

"It's just funny...They would constantly tell me that it was useless because who would want to be friends with someone that was quirkless and that I should just give up," Izuku smiled slightly, "Heck, someone told me once in my third year that if I really wanted to be a hero that I should take one last dive off the school roof. And I couldn't help but to have thought that if they had told me that the year prior I might have just listened to them."

Gasps escaped every student. Nobody paid attention to the fact that the window was now open or that a certain explosive teen was leaning out of it.

Toshinori's eyes widened. What?

"Y-You've got to be kidding me!" Kirishima shouted, "What the fuck was wrong with your classmates?"

Izuku nervously scratched his cheek, "Eh. Th-That comment doesn't really bother me anymore. They didn't know any better."

"Dude, you guys went to the same school, what the hell were you doing during all-" Kirishima started to ask as he turned to Bakagou. He froze as he watched the explosive teen empty his stomach out the window, "...hey...what were you doing back then?"

"..."

"A-Ah! K-Kacchan w-wasn't-"

Kirishima's eyes widened, "Who were you when he was getting bullied?"

"...the fucking biggest one..."

"Th-that's not true!" Izuku scrambled onto his hands and knees, limbs too shaky to hold his weight.

"Shut up!" Bakagou snapped, jolting at his own outburst as he watched Izuku flinch, "...just...shut up."

"K-Kacchan..." Izuku chewed on his lip.

"The fuck did you do?" Kaminari growled. He might have been part of the Bakusquad but nobody, abso-fucking-lutely nobody messed with Izuku around class 1-A. They overlooked the explosive teen's abrasive ways for the most part because the boy in question hadn't seemed to take them to heart. Plus the blond was rude to everyone. But this, this was different. The two might be on better terms now, but at some point in their lives, Bakagou helped make Izuku so depressed that he had physically harmed himself. And that could not stand.

Bakagou refused to answer or even look at any of them.

Tsuyu's eyes widened before launching her tongue out, slapping the boy hard with it, "...you were the one that told him to jump, weren't you?"

The way Bakagou's shoulders bunched up ever so slightly and how frantic Izuku looked spoke volumes.

"N-No, K-Kacch-"

"Midoriya, please," Todoroki spoke up, frost creeping down his right leg, "We need to know."

"B-But-"

"I was."

"K-Kacchan!" Izuku gasped, face pale, "What are you-!?"

"I told you to shut up!" Bakugou shouted, hands gripped tight to stop any explosions that might want to go off.

"Why would you say something so cruel?" Momo whispered.

"...I don't know..."

"You...don't know," Shoji repeated, quietly before growing louder, "You don't know?! What kind of answer is that?!"

"After all that Midoriya has done for you, you can't even give him an answer for why you would hurt him so much," Jiro scowled.

"..."

"I-I-It's really not that big of a d-deal!" Izuku pleaded.

"It is a big deal!" Uraraka countered, "You deserve an answer and he has to pay the consequence of hurting you so much."

"B-But...I-I've already forgiven him..." Izuku whimpered, once again curling into a ball.

"...the fuck?" Bakagou gaped.

"I-I mean," Izuku fidgetted with his fingers, "W-We've been friends for s-so long th-that I-I k-kind of just got u-used to it all."

"...how messed up in that shitty head of yours are you, Deku?" Bakugou breathed, "I...I literally tried everything to push you away. Why didn't you just...fucking stop?"

"...I-I don't know," Izuku's voice was barely heard, "...I...I..."

"You can't even answer that," Bakagou whispered.

"..." Izuku shifted to sit back on his ankles, "...B-But if it wasn't for K-Kacchan that day...I wouldn't have stayed after school and th-then I wouldn't have met A...the first person to tell me that I could be a hero..."

Aizawa was the only one to hear Toshinori's breath catch.

"Th-The day that you told me to..." Izuku gripped his pant legs as he trailed off, "I met with a hero that t-told me for the first time in my life that I could become a hero. If you hadn't, I might not have never had that chance. Th-The memory of that day is something that I treasure. S-So thank yo-"

"Don't!" Bakugou growled, hands sparking, "Why the hell would you thank me?!"

"B-Because it's true!" Izuku insisted, "A-And you've helped me before t-too!"

"Damn it Deku! This isn't some stupid fucking game!" Bakugou took one step toward the green haired boy. That one step was one too far. The second his foot hit the ground, he felt himself being held back by Sero's tape. There was ice slowly creeping up his feet. Clicking his teeth, he decided against blowing off the offending quirks, "You're messed up!"

"Bakugou!" several classmates shouted.

Izuku flinched at his words but that stupid wavering smile bunched up the freckles on his cheeks, "I...I-I know..."

"You are not!" Iida ground out, forcing the boy to look at him again, his large hands pressed squarely against those bunched up freckles, "You are an amazing person, an immensely caring and wonderful friend, and you are already one of the most magnificent heroes I have ever had the privilege to meet!"

"Iida is right! You are amazing! And loyal and cool and just the best friend I could ever ask for!" Uraraka quickly added in,

"You're so smart!" Denki was quick to add in his two cents, "You are always happy to help us all with studying or just giving us tips!"

"Yeah and you're suuuuuper nice!" Mina beamed.

"The way that you mutter and get excited about quirks is so cute!" Toru bounced, appearing to have nodded.

"You can be reckless and do seem to like to stick your neck out into situations that you don't need to," Momo rubbed the back of her neck before smiling sweetly, "But the fact that you care so much about saving everyone that you can is something that I admire greatly about you."

"You are always there for everyone, no matter what it requires of you," Shoji stated with Tokoyami nodding.

"After all that you've been handed in life, you are still the you whose kindness knows no bounds," Todoroki stood up and crossed the room to kneel beside the boy, "Out of everyone I have ever known, you are probably the most deserving of that same kindness being reflected back upon. Won't you let us do this and help you now when you are the one in need of it?"

Izuku's lip trembled as he futilely rubbed at his eyes to clear his emerald eyes of his tears.

"You need to apologize, Bakugou!" Kirishima demanded, "It's the least that you can do!"

Bakugou clicked his tongue, refusing to look at his childhood friend.

"...it's okay, Kirishima," Izuku let out a slight sigh, shooting the blond a small smile, "Kacchan's changed so much since we started here. It's been...nice. I'm just happy to see him making friends that understand him."

"But that doesn't mean what he did was right!" Kirishima snapped.

"I know," Izuku pulled slightly away from his cluster of friends, "But like I said, I've already forgiven him."

'I've known Kacchan long enough to when he is genuinely sorry about something,' Izuku thought, rubbing his face.

"..." Bakugou let out an irritated sigh (or was it a growl?), "...you aren't completely fucking useless, you shitty nerd..."

Izuku blinked three times before he finally lost the battle at controlling his tears once again. This time, three sets of arms wrapped themselves around him, shielding him from everything, including his own doubts.

"That's not much of an apology," someone grumbled. He wanted to speak up against it, he really did, but the lump in his throat was currently making it impossible.

The class shifted uncomfortably in their seats as their peers attempted to comfort their resident ray of sunshine. It was all so much to take in. It was true that several of them had come to the conclusion that Izuku had to have had some sort of emotional trauma earlier in life to cause him to be in a near constant state of anxiety that they were used to seeing him in. But this was far more than they were expecting. Watching him completely break down, clinging to his friends as if his life depended on it broke all of their hearts. Then came the sobering thought that he wasn't the only one that had to face those demons on a daily basis. That despite how much pain he was currently in, he was lucky. That despite all the pain he was going to face throughout his life, at this moment, he was one of the lucky ones. Because he was surviving.

But others weren't. Knowing the kind hearted boy like they did, they just knew that he probably felt guilty. As if it was somehow his fault or that he wasn't allowed to feel helpless against the dark whispers in the corners of his mind because "others had it worse." So many of them had heard those words pointed at others and had done nothing to correct them. They had heard parents scold their crying children because they were crying about something in the mall with those words. Heard classmates diss on others that were having a hard time in life that they "should just get over it.". No consideration given because it was somebody else's problem. It didn't directly affect them other than witnessing the sniffling looks of the targets. There was the occasional pinprick of guilt but nothing that couldn't be pushed aside. It wasn't out of malice that those words had been ignored. Rather, it was just something that they heard so much until they became ingrained in their minds to the point that they weren't registered as wrong.

They were though. Those words were so wrong. They didn't just belittle those struggling with the demons of both their own creation and society, but they could – no, did –kill. All it would take was to hear those damnable words at their greatest moment of weakness and they became the straw that broke the camel's back. The students were suddenly forced to the realization that so many others had fallen to this astounding weight that they were forced to carry. And even worse, they had nearly lost their friend before they had even met them.

There was no question in their mind that if Izuku had been successful in his attempts, it would have opened the trapdoor above a steep downward spiral that would have most likely led the boy to his death. It may have been the first- and, they hoped, only –time that Izuku self harmed, but from his own description of the time was chilling. If he hadn't been caught, there was no guarantee that he wouldn't continue with those acts. Whether they would be as extreme or be small acts that would be easier to hide didn't matter. If he had continued and never received help, they might have seen a news broadcast similar to the one the previous day with his face painted across the screen. And they wouldn't have been any the wiser.

Eventually, the crying died down to sniffling, the lump in Izuku's throat easing up enough that he could murmur out constant strings of apologies. Realizing that the boy was most likely trapped in an anxious cycle, Aizawa knelt beside the students sitting on the floor. Tenderly, he ruffled the boy's fluffy curls to draw his attention from wringing his fingers over and over.

"How about I give the class the rest of the day off and everyone heads back to the dorm?" Aizawa suggested as he slowly stood back up, "None of you are going to be up for any of the exercises scheduled today."

"I-I'm s-"

"Nope!" Uraraka gently whapped the boy upside the head before standing herself. Smiling brightly at her friend, she held out a hand to help him to his feet, "No more apologies. We're going to go back to the dorms and then we're going to binge watch Netflix for the rest of the day."

Izuku looked between her hand, his own, and his classmates. Eventually, a wobbly smile curled his lips and he took her offered hand, "O-Okay."


*Red Spider Lilies in Japanese culture is a flower related to death. They are used in funerals and is a symbol of reincarnation. As such, they are seen as guides to the afterlife. Also, if my memory serves correctly, in Japan, when a student dies, a vase with flowers will be placed on their desk as a sign of remembrance. However, in cases of bullying, putting a vase with flowers on the desk of someone who is alive is like saying that that person is basically dead to them. Please correct me if I am wrong about this, by the way.

Mizu: One more chapter to go! This story should wrap up next week (hopefully...). And once again, before I sign off for the week, I wanted to say a few things. First and foremost, the level of bullying I went through was more emotional than physical compared to that that Izuku went through in this story. There were a few minor incidents (and one major one of destroyed property), but most of my trauma from childhood bullying was emotional. That being said, the number of times I looked at my dad's razors or in the medicine cabinet at my mom's medications...when I look back at my life, remembering those darker times and how easily it would have been to end it all sometimes makes my own blood run cold. I recently discovered that one of my coping mechanisms is technically a form of self harm, even thought it didn't "hurt" or "damage" me. I won't say what it was because I don't know if I'm ready for that. But basically, back then, whenever I would do it, those moments were the precious few that my brain wasn't working over time. That the voices in my head would just be quiet. The relief that came with the silence, I can't begin to describe it. It kept me clinging to that method of relief until I finally got help and was able to start getting better. But even after years of not indulging in the method, there are days where my fingers itch to.

Also, I would like to tell everyone that may be going through similar situations and fighting with their own thoughts of suicide or self harm that it is okay to not be okay. Admitting that is the first step to getting help and breaking the cycle. It sucks and is incredibly hard to do. But by admitting that you aren't okay, you can relieve some of the weight off you heart. Because when you spend every day trying to be "okay" when you are already using almost all of your energy to fight back your demons, it can get to be too much. But once you've admitted to yourself that you aren't okay, but you want to be one day, then you can refocus that energy back on yourself and start healing. There is no instant fix and you will find yourself sliding back down the hole you are trying to claw your way out of, but as long as you are willing to but in the effort to get better, then one day, you will be okay. And until that day comes, there is no shame in admitting that you aren't quite there yet.

Finally, one last piece of advice that saved me growing up. If you can't love yourself or can't find anything about yourself to keep you going, just know that what keeps you here with us doesn't have to be something about yourself. It can be something as simple as "I really want to read this next book in the series" or "I really wanted to go to the beach this summer". Anything that gives you something to hold onto, no matter how small is a valid reason to stay alive until you can love yourself and your life again. For me, in school, it was writing. It was all of the fanfics that I have posted on here and dozens of others that never were finished. I clung to my writing so hard because I wanted you all to see them. "If I don't finish this story, nobody will." That line grounded me and kept me going when I wasn't sure I could. In college, it changed to "I need to focus on getting my degree" to "I want to make my husband smile all the time" to "I want to smile with my husband all of the time". I had to relearn how to love myself but while I was doing that, it was okay that I couldn't so long as there was something out there that I did love enough to keep me around. And some days, I fell back down my hole a bit and they only branch I could grab onto was one of these grounding lines. Hell, some days, the feeling of spite that rose up when I would slide down was enough to power me through.

I know that I will be fighting this fight for the rest of my life, just like so many of you out there. But I plan to do everything in my power to one day come out on top and look back at all my demons that stood in my way and say I made it. And I hope that that day comes for all of you out there too.

Another long tangent but I felt it needed to be said. Thank you all again for all your support and I hope you guys are enjoying how this story is turning out. Ciao for now!