Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version

Chapter 3: Dumb and Dumber

(Ding Dong!)

It was the door bell.

Henri quickly makes his way towards the forsaken locked door.

(Ding Dong! Ding Dong!)

He looks through the peep hole to see a pizza delivery man outside.

"Hello... Pizza delivery!" The delivery man called out.

"P-I-Z-Z-A!" Henri moaned erotically, as he drooled uncontrollably.

(Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong! Ding Dong!)

"Hello? Anybody?" The delivery man was somehow getting a little impatient. "I've got a pizza delivery here... AND ITS NOT PAID FOR MISTER... SO COME OUT WITH YOUR SPARE CASH NOW… YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Henri furiously bangs at his door. "I'm in... I'M IN HERE, DAMMIT! Gimme that fucking pizza... NOW! I'm soooo hungry and I want that... wait a second... t-the pizza's not paid for?" He finally realized the catch here. Henri quickly blurted out, "Um... nobody's home... now just go away and..." He stopped abruptly. "SHIT! I forget that he can't hear me..."

The delivery man places his ear on the friggin' door to listen. "Hmm... for a moment there, I could've sworn I've heard some farting sounds..."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Henri screamed in dismay.

"Dammit!" The delivery man curses as he shakes at his head. "I'll remember this, you sick pervert from room... uh..." He paused to stare at the delivery order. "... room 202 of North AssFeeld Heights... WHAT! Wait... this apartment here is…" The pizza delivery man looks up at the number on the door. "… room 302. Oh meh, I'm at the wrong apartment AGAIN, damn... and it's the hundred and twenty-fifth time this week that I've made such mistakes already..." The delivery man grumbled as he walks away from the outside of the apartment.

"Wait... WAAIIITTTT!" Henri screamed.

Henri suddenly stopped his wailings when he saw a piece of red paper appearing under his front door.

"Eh? What the-? This wasn't here before?" He said in bewilderment. Henri quickly picked up the piece of paper to read at its contents.

"Although that so-called stupid wonderland Cooties Club had finally been disbanded, I'm still quite certain that the source of its spirit is still very much fucking alive... there are just too much of a coincidence that many sickening and weird things are happening in that town. I'm checking out on two hundred thousand people... Or maybe I should say one... no wait... was it a hundred? Meh! I really should work on my mathematic calculations some day...

Anyway, I'm just about to unravel the most fuck-iest thing going on around here... Tee-hee...

April 32nd"

"What a load of crap... nothing about this note makes sense... in fact, nothing about everything here makes any fucking sense..." Henri looks around his apartment and spat in disgust as he chucks away the piece of note.

Henri slowly walks back towards the living room when he noticed some strange carvings on the Storage Box next to the television.

"This box could store lots and lots of stuff... and I mean A LOT!"

"Like duh! This is a Storage Box, for goodness sake... IT IS SUPPOSE TO STORE A LOT OF THINGS! This is so stupid... I wonder who wrote this anyway?" He exclaimed.

Nonetheless, he decided to test out on the capacity by emptying out his pockets of all the items he had taken while he was in the Subway. After disposing off of all the unwanted stuff, Henri realized that the box was still very empty. "Oooh… Aaaah! Look-it this... this stupid-looking storage box REALLY can store lots and lotsa things..."

But somehow, after empting all the stuff into the storage box, Henri suddenly felt naked. He did not know why, but something inside him told him that he should at least keep a weapon or two by his side for self-defense. Henri finally decided to retain the broken pipe and the handgun, as he quickly reaches into the box to dig out the items from the box and stuff it inside his pocket.

Henri suddenly begins to feel a weird tinkling sensation of a very strong force urging him to visit the bathroom. He did not know why, but somehow, he feels that it was as if something was trying to summon him back into the bathroom. Henri hesitated for a while before he had finally succumbed to that thought as he reluctantly walks over to the bathroom.

"GAH!" He shouted.

Much to his astonishment, Henri saw that the hole on the wall in the bathroom had somehow become bigger. "What the hell?"

"Shit! Now the Super's gonna skin me alive..." He sighed, as he slaps his hand on his forehead and shakes at his head disapprovingly.

Instead of sitting around and crying over some stupid damage on the wall, Henri decided to go through the stupid hole, once again, as he wonders where this bloody hole will lead him to this time round.


Moments after squeezing through the disgusting tunnel, screaming out like a cry-baby, and blinded unconscious by the same white light...

Henri finds himself waking up to the annoying sounds of the tireless crickets and irritating buzzing mosquitoes. He soon realizes that he was in the outdoor. He was in a forest. Henri slowly got to his feet and rubs at his aching ass as he begins to move forward.

"What the-?" He exclaimed. Henri was shocked to find many of the trees and boulders around the place being badly vandalized with strange purple writings and childish drawings of the Teletubbies. "Who is the mother-fucker who did all this, anyway?"

He decided to disregard the stupid stuffs on the trees and boulders and he continues to walk around the densely forested path while swatting at the many hungry, blood-sucking mosquitoes.

Henri soon finds himself walking into an industrial building of some sort and enters into the premise. As he was walking down the ramps, he was suddenly being surrounded by a couple of fairies.

"What the fuck?" Henri retorted.

"Hi there, handsome..." Fairy Number One said.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch... he's mine..." Fairy Number Two screamed.

"Buzz off... he's mine..." Fairy Number One shouted back.

"Woah, ladies... ladies... now zip your bloody mouths up and listen…" Henri mediated. "Now, are the two of you the legendary Fairy God Mothers?"

"What? Ha-ha..." The two fairies looked at each other and laughed maniacally. "No, silly... we are the Fairy DOG Motherfuckers..."

Henri sweatdrop.

"Okay..." Henri answered, as he stared at the fairy suspiciously. "So, wha-cha doing here? To turn me into a pumpkin or something? Ha-ha..." He snickered at his own joke.

The two fairies sweatdrop.

"Oh sister... should we work together? I mean, master would be really glad if he sees us bringing him this stupid mortal for his savour..." Fairy DOG Motherfucker Number Two said.

"Oooh... goody golly... yes, my sister... I'm like totally agreeing with you..." Fairy DOG Motherfucker Number One replied.

The two of them laughed again.

"Hello? I'm still here..." Henri said. "What the bloody hell are the two of you talking about? Who the fuck is your so-called master, anyway?"

The two fairies stopped their laughing and glanced back at him in shock. "What? You don't know? Our master is the supreme of all living orgasms... um... no wait... I-I mean organisms in this entire universe... and he is force behind our will, our hope, our love, and our desire... he is the savior of the wonderland... and most importantly, he is our pay master!" Fairy DOG Motherfucker Number One giggled.

"Are you speaking Latin, bitch? Because, I don't understand a single word you've just said..." Henri said. "Anyway, who is this master of yours?"

"He is none other than... The Holy Purple Teletubby!" Fairy DOG Motherfucker Number Two shrieked.

"No shit!" Henri gasped.

He wanted to puke and just die on the spot. He could no longer tolerate such insolence anymore. He swiftly digs out the broken pipe to whack the hell out of the two silly fairies.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The fairies screamed.

"DIE, YOU SICK FLYING BITCHES... DIE... D-I-E... DIIEEEEEE! Muwahahahahaha..." Henri thrusts the pipe at their frail bodies and hitting them to the ground before he walks over and squashing them into pulps, killing them instantly.

Henri then happily trudged down the remaining ramps and picked up some more handgun bullets on top of some smelly barrels before he made his way out of the forsaken building through the set of gates.

Henri finds himself back on the outside of the forest once again, where he managed to see a car from a distance and he quickly runs over.

"The car is still running... WOO-HOO!" He screamed in excitement. Henri quickly opens the door to the driver seat and enters it, as he closes the door behind him. "Now... let's see... um... oooh, the accelerator… right!"

Henri clanked the gear and stepped on the pedal. However, in his anxiety, he made a mistake by turning it to the reverse gear instead. As soon as he had stepped on the accelerator pedal, the car immediately moved backwards and the car slams into a tree.

"Oops... ha-ha... I did it again!" He giggled like a retard.


Flashback...

Four years ago...

Henri was learning how to drive. The instructor sitting beside him asked him to change the gear and move the vehicle. Henri glee like a moron as he swiftly turned the gear to reverse and slammed it hard on the accelerator pedal.

(CRASH!)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The driving instructor screamed madly.

The car had crashed into a truck parked behind them. Henri giggled happily as he put the gear back on and once again, jammed at the pedal. The car quickly moves forward, crashing head-on with another sedan car parked some distance away in front of them.

(CRASH!)

"HEELLLPPPPPP!" The instructor wailed.

"Um... oops…" Henri muttered.

"Let me out... please... LET ME OUT OF THIS CAR!" The instructor pleaded.

"B-but... but..." Henri stammered.

"NO BUTS! I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE, PERIOD!" The instructor screamed angrily as he tried to unbuckle his seatbelt. "Henri, unlock the car door this instance..."

"Okay..." He replied, somewhat looking a little hurt. Henri fidgeted at the various gadgets in the car.

(Windscreen wiper moved.)

"Henri, hurry up and unlock this door!" The instructor screamed.

"Alright... alright already! Hmm... its probably this button." Henri said.

(The hazard lights went on.)

"Oops... ha-ha... um... let's try again..." Henri laughed.

The driving instructor sweatdrop.

"JUST THE ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAR, NOW!" He screamed loudly.

"Okay... okay... now, let's see... eh? What's this?" Henri asked himself.

"NOOOOO! NOT THE HANDBRAKE!" The instructor cried.

(Crash!)

"Ouch... pain... pain... um... sir? Are you alright? Sir?" Henri asked, as he rubs at his aching head. The car had crashed into the drain. Henri looked over to the seat next to him only to find himself staring at the unconscious instructor slouched on the seat with foams still constantly oozing out from his mouth and urine seeping through the pants.

"Oops!" Henri forces a cheesy smile.

End of Flashback...


Henri opens the door, and in the midst of getting out of the badly damaged vehicle, he managed to find a memo pad, with the words "Jester Gain's Memo Pad" on the seat right next to the driver. Henri picks it up to read.

"I really don't know what that asshole meant when he said, "His home is the shithole in the centre. The position of the lake is definitely located northsouth, so the opposite of the lake must be... well, um... OPPOSITE... I guess..."

Oh yeah, that sick ass fucker also mentioned some gibberish nonsense that I truly don't get it. He said, "If you bring along the fucked-up key, you can't go back, not unless you are also totally fucked-up in your brain. Duh! So put it away... put it somewhere moist, dark and smelly before you return there.""

"What crap!" Henri complained, as he involuntarily stuffs the memo pad into his pocket. Henri decided to move on deeper into the forest. He walks down the vegetated path and through another set of double gates to find himself in a clearing with boulders and many, many white candles all brightly lit up.

"Saving on electricity bill, eh?" Henri thought .

Suddenly, he hears some weird noise in front of him, and he slowly move forward to investigate. Henri secretly peeps through from behind a row of brightly lit candles to find himself staring at a man with a stupid-looking haircut sitting on a boulder next to a burning torch mumbling to himself.

"Hmm... so, its just some weirdo talking to his so-called imaginary friends... tsk... tsk... tsk!" He thought.

"S-so, you a-are here t-to c-check out o-on t-these p-purple w-writings t-too, huh?" The man stammered.

"Wha-? W-what the f-fuck a-are you t-talking about, y-you f-freak?" Henri mimicked the way the man stammers, in a sarcastic way.

"H-hey... a-are you t-trying to m-make f-fun of m-me? T-this is s-so not f-funny a-and… and its m-mean man..." The man stammered, looking sad with tears swelling in his eyes.

Henri felt guilty for what he had done. "I'm sorry, dude. I didn't know and..."

The weird man was quick to put his hand on Henri's mouth to hush him. "W-well, n-nevermind... y-you are f-forgiven… a-anyway, y-you are n-not the first p-person to insult m-me a-already... t-there was a-another p-person... a bothersome s-sick ass pervert g-guy here a-as well... a v-very, very, v-very punkass p-person..." The man said. "H-he said t-that I'm a s-stuttering fucker w-who likes to s-shit without washing m-my hands..."

Henri's eyes suddenly grew big. He immediately pushes the man's hand away from his mouth and spat in disgust. "WHAT! Y-YOU DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER YOU SHIT!" Henri screamed.

"Well... t-technically s-speaking, y-yes... y-you see, I'm a-allergic t-to w-water and..." He stammered.

"FUCK YOU! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME WITH YOUR FILTHY HANDS... YUCKS!" Henri scolded him. "I'M FEELING SICK…" He groaned.

"I-I'm s-sorry..."

"Shut the fuck up and buzz off, you psycho freak..." Henri said.

"W-why, t-that's what t-that p-pesky asshole t-told me b-before too... and h-he also c-claimed that h-he had d-discovered these p-purple writings and t-the first t-two T-teletubbies action f-figures h-here... b-but I w-was the o-one who f-found these purple w-writings and the t-two l-limited e-edition T-teletubbies t-toys f-first... t-this is so u-unfair... I f-found t-them first but n-now h-he is c-claiming credit f-for all of i-it..." The man finally finishes his sentence.

"Well, finally... I thought it'd never end…" He thought, as he rolled his eyes over. He was starting to get irritated at the non-stop blabbering mouth of this stupid person in front of him. "Anyway, I'm Henri... So, who the hell are you?" Henri asked.

"M-my name i-is G-gain... J-jester Gain..." Jester replied as-a-matter-of-factly.

"You are Jester? The owner of the car parked over at the plot of grass patch behind there?" Henri asked again.

"Y-yes... h-how'd you k-know?"

"SHIT! He mustn't know that I'm the one who've crashed his car..." Henri thought. He immediately faked a really fake smile, as he nervously pulls at around his shirt collar. "Well... ha-ha... I-I... um... I just guessed... I mean, you look like the kind of person who's got a car and... and...um... there ain't no parking lot around here except the plot of grassland so I assume you've got a car parked back there..."

"I-I see..." Jester said. "I s-sure hope the c-car's n-not damaged o-or s-something..."

"Um... yeah, I hope so too... ha-ha..." Henri grinned, as he gulped nervously. "I-I... I... uh... guess I'd better make a move then... its been nice knowing you..."

"D-did you know t-that i-in t-the ancient t-times, t-the more c-conservative n-native townsfolks c-called it t-the T-tele-tub-of-lards..." Jester muttered.

"Whatever... I'm going of now... Bye!" Henri bade his farewell.

"... a-and t-they were b-being s-summoned in a c-ceremony f-for a c-chit chat s-session with t-their z-zombie ancestors..." He continued.

"I SAID I'M NOT INTERESTED..." Henri shouted. "YOU SELF-OBSESSED TALKING FREAKO!"

"... s-so the T-tele-tub-of-lards b-began t-to..." Jester continues to with his self-gibberish conversation.

"Fine! You just carry on talking with your stupid self... I'm going off..." Henri said angrily.

Henri leaves Jester behind as he exits from the place through the gates on the other side. Once again, he finds the same cutesy-looking puppies loitering hungrily around the premise. Henri immediately arms himself with his trust o' pipe and swings at the poor puppies until their insides were all spilled out and their brains had all turned into a pile of mushy pulps on the ground before continuing his journey down the forest path.


Moments later...

Henri finds himself arriving at a graveyard of some sort. He begins to start walking around the deserted and somehow spooky-looking place, when he suddenly sees a little boy standing some distance in front of him, digging at his nostrils.

"Hey ya, little boy..." Henri cooed. The boy somewhat ignores him and continues digging at his nostrils.

"Hey, punkass... I'm talking to you and..." Henri shouted at the boy. The little boy just looks at him in an innocent way, before he feeds the contents he had dug out from his nose and stuff them into his own mouth.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! What the fuck do you think you are eating? Eewww... That's utterly gross..." Henri screamed pathetically. "... don't you even know anything about personal hygiene?"

The little boy just giggled idiotically as he tries to offer some of the "goodies" to him, courtesy of the little boy's nostrils.

"Um... thank you, but no thanks..." Henri replied, with a look of disgust on his face.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Jester appeared behind them and he started screaming like a lunatic as he flings both his arms madly in the air. "I-its h-here... i-its finally h-here... i-its here... I-IT'S H-HEREEEEEE!"

The kid looks at Jester with a look of fright on his face.

"Shut the fuck up, you sick jerk... you are scaring the child here… anyways, what is coming?" Henri asked annoyingly.

"Don't y-you know? I-its coming... t-the t-third l-limited edition of t-the T-teletubbies p-plush action f-figures a-are finally h-here... T-THEY A-ARE H-HERE!" Jester stammered excitedly.

Henri sweatdrop.

The little boy suddenly runs towards the door behind Henri and exited from the place.

"Oh great... now you've done it... you sick fuck... you've scare the kid away, you dimwit!" Henri scolded.

However, Jester was not even listening to him. He was happily drooling and gurgling away as he slowly walks towards another door and exited from the forsaken graveyard. "T-the T-teletubbies... T-teletubbies... T-teletubbies..." He chanted.

Henri stands there looking like a complete idiot as he once again finds himself standing alone in the graveyard. "What the hell?" As he started to turn around, he somehow notices an overturn grave right next to where he was standing, with a coffin exposed. Henri slowly inched himself forward to look at it when he sees the numbers "11121" carved on the coffin. "Eh? What the-? Hmm... I wonder what this means? Maybe its written by that strange little shit-ass man that Jester mentioned…"

After staring at the coffin for like an hour or so, Henri simply gave a shrug and moves away from it and exited the graveyard. Henri soon finds himself walking towards a shabby house in the middle of nowhere. "Maybe there's someone in there who can help me…" He thought.

Henri gladly took the steps at the front porch as he walks up to the main entrance of the house. He then stands by the closed door on the porch, as he looks at the badly-stained billboard signage hanging on the door that reads "The House of Dorks". Henri then reaches out to the knob on the door to try to open it. Unfortunately, the door was locked. "Dammit... this fucking door is locked." He grumbled. "Hello? Anybody? HELLO! Dammit! I'm not a salesman… now open this door…"

"T-the door w-won't o-open…" A voice from behind him called out.

"AAAAAAAAAAH! WHO'S THERE!" Henri screamed in fright. "Oh, its you, Jester… DAMMIT, YOU JUST SCARE THE BLOODY SHIT OUTTA ME… WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO JUST NOW? AND HOW'D YOU GET HERE SO FAST?"

"I-I… I… wait… w-what was that y-you asked m-me again?" He asked.

"Arrggghhhh, you moron… forget what I've just asked. Now, look here… why did you say that the door won't open? Do you know something that I don't? Huh? Huh? HUH!"

"Y-yeah… y-you see, t-the s-sickass p-pesky g-guy h-had given m-me s-something r-really w-wonderful… and I-I can't l-let you h-have it… n-not at l-least t-there's some r-reward h-here… n-nothing is f-free in t-this w-world, y-you know?" Jester said.

Henri studies at Jester's face, for any tell-tale signs of what that stammer-freak really wants. Suddenly, a look of horror plastered across his face.

"Eeeeeeeew! I hope you are not thinking about… sex!" He freaked.

"N-no… I'm j-just t-thirsty…" Jester said.

"I still don't get you…" Henri replied. "Some hints, maybe?"

"I-I SAID, I-I'M THIRSTY… R-REALLY T-THIRSTY…" Jester reminded Henri.

"Hmm… still don't get it…" Jester sweatdrop.

"I-I S-SAID I-M R-REALLY T-THIRSTY… R-REAL THIRSTY FOR SOME C-CHOCOLATE MILK… C-CHOCOLATE M-MILK, D-DAMMIT!"

"No wait… don't tell me… let's see… you are thirsty… okay… now what is it that you really want? Hmmm… thirsty… you are thirsty… I assume that you must be really thirsty with all that moaning and craving for something so badly to quench your fucking thirst… but what? WHAT?"

"I S-SAID I W-WANT SOME C-CHOCOLATE M-MILK! C-CHOCOLATE MILK! M-MILK!" Jester screamed.

"Oh, I get it… you want some chocolate milk… is that it? See, I'm clever enough to be able to guess it all by myself… ain't I smart or something, Jester?" Henri told him smirkly, obviously proud of his so-call deduction ability. "Why didn't you just say so earlier?" Henri retorted.

Jester sweatdrop.

"Okay… I think I've got some milk back in my apartment…" Henri said.

Jester just stands there moaning erotically as he drooled all over. Henri quickly dashes down the stairs and runs towards a nearby hole on the wall as he squeezes himself through, back to his own apartment.


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT own the Teletubbies, and Silent Hill and its series. Any similarities in the names of the characters and any living souls are purely coincidental and unintentional… please don't shoot me!

A/N: I'm really tied up with my school works and all right now… so I'll probably stop at this chapter for a while before I continue on my future updates later… please do bear with me for a while here… thank you for all your utmost support… stay tune on the next chapter updates...

Saddened Soul: I'm really glad that you have complete faith in my works… I've also seen your updates on your SH:TOWCP… its amazingly good…

Sydon: Thanks for your review… hope that Sinthia's vomiting escapades won't turn you off… ha-ha…

Ramuk: Really glad that you liked it… I also do hope that you liked this latest chapter update as well too… thank you.

Ghost in the Mirror: Thank you so much… you should really play Silent Hill 4: The Room… its really a very good game… Hope you will like it…