I close my eyes. I am angry with myself. It is not often that I snap at Hikaru but it is not often that I feel quite this sick either. I shouldn't have acted as though it was his fault though. I am just as much to blame. He didn't force-feed me alcohol. Instead… He gave me bliss I had never dreamed I could feel.
If I am honest the reason I didn't tell this to Hikaru just now was because I was embarrassed. I should have thanked him for the… hand job I suppose it was, instead of nagging him. I groan as I squirt shampoo into my hand and massage it onto my head, letting the warm, steamy water softly erase all traces of Hikaru from my body, except for the small shallow scratch mark on my chest. I trace over it, running my finger along the mark Hikaru has given me. I am in no hurry for it to heal.
Mmm… That's better. The warm water has not only soothed my uneasy stomach a little but now I don't feel sticky and dirty and sweaty anymore. I told Hikaru that I felt dirty, hoping that he would take the initiative and come and shower with me. My cheeks flush a little as I think how much more fun this would be if he were the one cleaning me. And maybe if I touched him… he would touch me back. Or even go further than that.
But Hikaru was strangely quiet when I told him. Maybe it's time for me to make a move. Grinning I turn off the water and shake myself dry like a dog. I wrap a towel around my waist firmly; I don't want Hikaru to attack me before I get a change to seduce him. Then I realise how vain it is to assume I am irresistible and I grin even more widely.
Turning on the hair dryer so that I don't drip all over Hikaru, I plan what I am going to do. First I will walk over to my lazy twin, who I am sure will still be sprawled out on the bed. I will crawl up to Hikaru and lean over as though I am going to kiss him. Then just as his lips part to receive my kiss, just as his eyes begin to slip closed… I will pull away. Instead of kissing him I will speak to him in the slow erotic voice I like to use.
'You'll have to try harder than that Hikaru. You left me to shower all alone when there's plenty of room for two. And my head is sore from all that drink last night. How are you going to make it up to me?' By turning it into a joke Hikaru will know I don't blame him.
Later when we go to bed together I will apologise. I will make up for being grumpy by telling him how much I enjoyed what we did together, and how much I ache for him to do it again. After the lights have been turned off I will tell him, so that my blush will be hidden and I can always pretend I have fallen asleep if things become awkward. It is rare though, that I can't express my feelings to Hikaru. He always understands.
This is new for the both of us and I know I must tread carefully. I don't want this part of our relationship to end, or become a rare occurrence when our inhibitions are lost through alcohol. I want to be able to flirt with Hikaru freely when we are alone together. I want to talk about sex with him, sharing my desires and my requests for a sex life that I am sure, between the two of us, would be adventurous and full of variety. Yes. Yes that is the perfect plan. Teasing Hikaru now and talking to him seriously tonight. Perfect.
Resolved, I flick the hairdryer off and step outside the bedroom. I look at the bed, then check again. Hikaru has gone. Taken aback, I screw my forehead up, puzzled. Has he gone to shower in another bathroom? This seems the only explanation but as I turn to leave the room and search for him, I catch sight of a note on a folded slightly crumpled piece of paper out of the corner of my eye.
I take a few faltering steps towards it and as I do so I notice Hikaru's handwriting and recognise my name. I pick up the note that crouches suspiciously on my pillow and slowly unfold it, feeling my eyes widen as I scan the first couple of lines. As I read the energy drains out of me and I flop down on the bed.
Kaoru,
I'm sorry to leave you on your own and I am even more sorry for what I did last night. I had no idea you didn't want to do it with me and only went along with it because of the alcohol. I will never force myself on you again. But that is the reason I have to leave for a bit. I can't resist you; you are too much like the chocolate ice cream. Here I pause. What the hell is this idiot talking about? I hurriedly read on. I never want to make you feel 'sick' or 'dirty'. I didn't mean it. But when I come back everything will be back to normal. I will only need to go away for a few days. Don't worry about me. I will be fine.
Hikaru
P.S. I love you. I think you know what I mean. I'm sorry if that upsets you but I just can't help it.
I am frozen in shock. I cannot believe that even Hikaru could do something so stupid. He has got me completely wrong. I said I felt dirty because I wanted him to shower with me, not because I regretted last night. True I complained a little this morning but I was the one who touched him first yesterday so how can he have got it into his head that I didn't want to do it? Supposedly Hikaru and I have identical minds but I am not so sure. Would I ever do anything so irrational, so impulsive, so idiotic? I don't think so.
My stomach clenches a little. I don't like not knowing where Hikaru is or what he's doing. I can hardly believe he has gone and the knot of worry tightens when I realise that something may have happened that I don't know about. What if he tripped? What if he didn't look when crossing a road? I shake my head to try and empty it but the worry stays, pulsing just below the surface of my conscious thoughts.
It is strange that Hikaru believed I had the opposite opinion to him. To me it was a simple fact that one day this was going to happen. We both started to realise at the age of thirteen that we were gay and we sat down and told each other, relieved when we did so that we were in it together and both felt the same. At the age of fourteen we shared our first kiss. We had had all the rest of our firsts together so we didn't see any reason why we shouldn't. So two horny teenage guys, both attracted to guys, both very close, already holding hands and kissing for comfort and for fun… It doesn't take a genius to work out what is going to happen next. But it obviously takes more brains than my stupid twin possesses.
I sigh deeply. I am a little frustrated, a little worried and also a little sad that Hikaru has abandoned me. It is not a nice feeling, being left on my own as if he doesn't care. I can think rationally about it though. I know Hikaru only left because he thinks it is what I want and I can forgive him easily for going. I just want my twin back.
There is no doubt in my mind about whether or not I will go after Hikaru. I can't leave him wandering around on his own. Already I am desperately lonely myself.
After I have pulled on some black boxers I feel a sudden need to wear Hikaru's clothes. I want his T-shirt with its Hikaru smell against my skin. Without Hikaru near me there is almost a tangible ache in my body and I need a quick fix to keep me going so that I can go out and get him. I always like to wear Hikaru's clothes. Sometimes when he throws off the soft cotton T-shirt he's had on and chucks it on the floor before wriggling into bed I scoop it up and wear it to sleep in, still warm.
Suddenly I realise that the only clothes Hikaru has worn that haven't been washed already were the ones he was wearing yesterday. Quickly I leap up and crash out of the bedroom, pushing the door back so hard that it almost rebounds into my face. I run down the staircase. Not the usual polished maple wood and gold veined marble staircase though. Instead I push my way through a small wooden side door and step down concrete stairs which are reserved for the staff.
I have only seen this part of the house a couple of times before when Hikaru and I were exploring. I place my hand on the grimy plastic stair rail and my hurried footsteps ring in the dull, grey, concrete-dominated stairwell which is a stark contrast to the luxury of the main house.
At the bottom of the steps I notice, as I hurry down them, our old, emaciated, resident butler standing with his shirtsleeves rolled up. He is leaning against the wall and smoking a cigarette but when he sees me he drops it in shock. Trying to both grind it under his foot and bow at the same time he starts to stutter an apology but I have no time for him and rush past without a word.
It is the same in the laundry room when I push open the door. Two maids, one plump, one skinny, are cooing over a magazine which flops limply over the top of one of the washing machines. When they see me one of them grabs her cap, shoving it lopsided onto her loose spiky hair. The other maid tries to surreptitiously slip her shoes back on. I pretend not to notice.
'Have you washed our clothes from yesterday?' I demand with no time for greetings. The maids avoid my gaze and both start to stutter at once. They cannot be much older than I am. I try to calm down a little; my desperation isn't helping anyone.
'You're not in trouble,' I reassure them, 'I just need to know.' I force a Host Club smile.
'I am afraid we haven't quite got round to it yet Hitachiin-sama,' the plumper girl finally tells me with trepidation. 'I can do it right away if-'
'No!' I blurt out quickly, cutting her off. I bite my lip then sigh in relief. 'Where are they?' It is the skinny maid that responds this time, pulling a laundry basket out from behind one of the silent, still machines.
'I just want the T-shirt, the navy T-shirt,' I tell her helpfully. She hands it to me with trepidation as though I am a live bomb that will go off at any minute. My smile is genuine as my hand clutches around it.
'Thank you.'
'Will you be… um… putting it on now?' the other maid asks and I realise with a jolt that I am wearing nothing but my short, tight boxers that, if I am honest, leave little to the imagination.
'Er…' My face heats as I hurriedly pull the top on, pulling it down as far as it will go. Not far enough.
'Get back to work,' I mutter in an attempt to divert attention away from my glowing cheeks. 'Please.' The maids instantly bustle into action as I hurriedly retreat back upstairs again to get dressed properly.
Once I reach the bedroom I pause. The smell of the T-shirt has brought the memories of Hikaru flooding back. I lie on the bed and although I have just pulled on some jeans I flick them back open again. I try to recreate yesterday's events in my head. I push my hand down into my pants experimentally. I am getting harder, it's true when I touch myself, but it's just not the same.
When Hikaru did this to me I was instantly turned on and had to hold back moans of pleasure. I couldn't believe how good I was feeling. But when I touch myself alone like this, dragging the same firm grip up and down my length, I have to make a conscious effort to turn myself on. I wonder briefly if I would feel the same breathlessness and the same sparkle if someone else were to touch me but the thought alone is a turn off. I only ever visualise Hikaru when I am masturbating and I am sure I would visualise him even if I tried to do it with someone else.
Besides, I am proud of the fact that my body is Hikaru's alone. We have been monopolising each other our whole lives and although we have branched out a little, our sex will remain the exception. When your twin is making you a mess of you, three is most certainly a crowd.
Sighing I let go of my feeble length and remove my hand from my jeans. I am finding it hard to get aroused, my thoughts are drifting and I know it will take me ages to come. There is no point if it's a chore and besides, I don't have the time to waste.
Pulling on a few layers and grabbing some essentials I head outside. I will give my mum a call once I am out of the house so that she doesn't worry but can't stop me going. The cold air hits me as I step outside, biting through the layers of fabric straight to my skin and I break into a run. No one can call me back; no one can stop me. I am Hitachiin Kaoru on a rescue mission. The wind whips through my clean hair and I wonder. Am I really going to all this trouble just because Hikaru gave me an amazing hand job and I want another? I grin at the thought, despite my anxiety.
Well… Of course not. I need to explain this misunderstanding, get rid of this horrible loneliness, check he is feeling okay, make sure he is safe and tell him I love him. All I need to do is figure out where he would go.
For once I want to get into Hikaru's head… Not into his pants.
Hope you enjoyed this!
Next chapter: Hikaru trys to cope in the strange and mysterious commoner world.
