Betcha thought I'd leave you hanging like with my other fanfictions. Well, I have rewarded your endless patience with TWO chapters. Well hurrah with brass knobs on!
Bundled together in the taxi-shuttle, Lister felt that he could cut the tension with a knife. He was pretty sure he could spread it onto toast too. Rimmer sat to his left, nervously playing with his seatbelt. Mrs. Rimmer sat directly opposite him; her lips pursed together like an old-fashioned schoolteacher, petting Crichton's head as he yawned. John sat to her right trying to ooze serenity in the hopes that it would permeate and dissipate the apprehension. He was not having much luck.
"So…" Lister began the conversation. "You're having the wedding party tonight? Bit odd, if you don't mind me sayin' that."
"Not at all," John grinned genially, "it is odd. We just decided to have the party the night before the wedding because we'll be running straight off for the honeymoon tomorrow evening."
"Yeah but that means we can't have a total piss-up tonight!"
Rimmer mumbled something about alcoholics.
John smiled understandingly at Lister. "Don't worry Dave. You lot can have a piss-up tomorrow evening. The hotel is booked all weekend."
"Awesome," Lister sighed – greatly relieved.
"Is drinking all you think about?" Rimmer snapped.
"Hey, don't diss alcohol. It led me to you, don't forget."
Rimmer smiled slightly at this, though he could not hold it for long under the heated gaze of his mother. He decided to change the subject. "Is everyone already at the hotel?"
"Some people," said John. "Janine and Frank are greeting the guests, Howard said he'd-"
"Janine?" Rimmer's head shot up.
John nodded. "Well, yeah. Of course I'd invite my sister-in-law to my wedding, Bonehead."
Rimmer slunk back into his seat, fiddling with his seatbelt with nimble dexterity and Lister couldn't help a feeling of miserable foreboding looming over the atmosphere once again.
Lister wolf-whistled admiringly at the hotel as the taxi-shuttle pulled up. "Bet that cost a pretty pennycent."
"Nothing's too good for my wedding. Especially when Cassandra's parents are paying for everything," John replied, smirking casually.
"Brutal," said Lister, almost skipping out of the door in eagerness. "Oh hey. Arn… I meant to ask you something."
"I'm quite sure it's an open bar."
"No that's not – wow, really?" Lister exclaimed, becoming sidetracked by his daydreams of free beers and spirits. Rimmer sighed and went over to his mother, drawn by the sound of her loudly arguing over the taxi fare. "Arnold," she grunted as he neared. "Explain to this gentleman that I never agreed to pay an extra tenner."
"The kid in the leather jacket said I'd get an extra tenner, ma'am."
Rimmer and his mother gave eerily similar glares towards Lister, who waved sheepishly.
"Do we dare ask?" Mrs. Rimmer called to him.
"I don't think you do dare," Rimmer sighed again, paying the money. In return, the driver pushed a box into his arms. Rimmer glanced inside and glared at Lister again.
"What is it?" Mrs. Rimmer inquired.
"N-nothing…" Rimmer marched back to Lister, leaving his mother furiously agape. Lister tried to find a convenient hiding place in time, to no avail. "You brought the cat?" Rimmer hissed as he approached.
"She's preggers, mate. I couldn't leave her swimming about the house all alone." Lister knew there was no point in explaining. Rimmer would only be angry for about five minutes, until Lister did something else and then he would be angry from that instead. It was an organic process… of sorts.
Rimmer shoved the box at Lister, grumbling about getting it to their room as soon as possible. Lister concurred and they began to follow the bellboy up to the hotel. Rimmer's breath stuck in his throat when he saw who was greeting the guests at the hotel entrance. 22 years of ex-model perfection stood, smiling and kissing everyone who walked past, asking how they were and being asked in return.
"Janine…" he said softly, crumbling the moment her eyes moved onto him. Her smile broadened and she seemed to float towards him in slow motion. Of course the reality was what Lister saw, and that was a crazy French girl galloping by and throwing herself onto his boyfriend.
"Ahnald! How good it is to see you!" she cooed, kissing him on both cheeks, presumably unaware that he was melting in her embrace. "And zis is Daveed? Oh, he's so cute!"
"Nefur… meneh…" Rimmer gibbered in her arms.
Lister nodded and allowed her enthusiastic French greeting to transfer to his own cheeks. "You're their sister-in-law Janine, then? Your English is very good."
"Silly! I speak several languages fluently. I work as a translator within ze Space Corps. It is how Frank and I met. I merely keep zis outrageous aksent because it makes ze men go gooey. You see?" she nodded towards Rimmer, who appeared to be having difficulty standing up.
"Yeah, I see," Lister frowned.
"Now zen, you two go inside and mingle. Nearly everyone is 'ere already." Janine ushered them through the doors and left them stranded in the hallway with no idea as to where they were going; Lister as always being clueless and Rimmer suddenly mindless.
"Earth to Arnold?" said Lister, waving his hands in front of Rimmer's face.
"Not on Earth… On Io…" he mumbled dreamily. Lister adjusted the insanely awkward box in his arms and went to get their room key, moodily.
Author notes:
First of all, for those of you who are thinking 'oh no female rival, where did I put my gun?' I just need to say DON'T PANIC (in large friendly letters). I feel I must explain Janine's presence. The writers made a pretty big deal of Janine, in both the series and books. She's mentioned several times in the show and Rimmer's wife in Better Than Life is a blatant parody of her, which even he admits. But judge not, this is an angst-free zone. I don't want to give much away but Rimmer will not fawn over her for long. I just felt it would be highly unrealistic for to have been omginluff with her for a few years and then just be 'ohai' just because he's finally found someone to ride his gigglestick. It's difficult to cut off that kind of emotion, especially for an arsehat like Rimmer.
Also I couldn't remember how old Janine was in the books. All I remember is that she was a model and married Frank at 19. I'll grab my books over the summer and correct this fanfiction several times over most likely.
Outrageous accent = obligatory Monty Python quote. You must know me by now!
Crichton = Kryten, Frankenstein = Cat. In name only. I feel quite bad that I tend to leave them out of my slash, but they kind of get in the way. I hate writing a big scene and then end up thinking "Oh wait, where are those guys going to be?"
Oh and did I forget to mention that you lucky bugs get two chapters for the price of one update? So why are you reading my blithering witticisms? Go go! Click next chapter!
