A/N: alright, so last chapter I had a lot of trouble with italics, where whole passages got italicized and stuff got deleted, so from now on, if I talk, it's just plain text. Sorry if it's hard to understand. Anyway, hope you all enjoy this, please review! ;)
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Jellal waved the book around as he tried to explain what the voice had told him. "So yeah, this psycho voice told me to go grab this book."
I am not a psycho. And that is clearly the wrong book.
"What do you mean it's the wrong book?" Everybody started murmuring about how Jellal was crazier than the dragon slayers until Gray walked up to him, stripping his clothes off in the process, and placed both his hands on his shoulders. The ice user gave him a curt nod as they gazed deep into each others eyes, causing steam to burst out of a few of the girls' heads.
They're having a broment you sick fucks. Stop having dirty thoughts. Yeah Lockser, I'm talking to you.
Said water mage was currently passed out with a creepy grin on her face, eechi thoughts about Gray and Jellal, along with Lyon and Sting, filled her head. Gray cleared his throat very loudly to try and restore order to the guild hall. "Jellal, are you sure that's the right book?"
Jellal looked at the book in his hand. A very colorful picture of a screwed up looking duck floating in a pond on a sunny day with the title 'The Ugly Duckling' printed on the cover. "Damn" Jellal muttered as he zipped back to the library.
"This is bullshit" Natsu screamed out.
"What, having trouble trying to think, ash for brains?" Gajeel mocked him.
"What'd you say you walking junkyard?"
Cobra chimed in. "Gajeel has a point. I don't ever hear very many thoughts coming from your brain."
"You want some too Paint Thinner?" Before Natsu could go on another rampage and burn down the already trashed guild hall, Angel stomped on his foot and grabbed his ear.
"Alright Natsu, cut the crap. What's bullshit?" She released her hold on his ear and allowed him to explain.
Sighing as he rubbed his ear, Natsu spoke. "Well, I just can't help but feel like this whole situation is all Sting's fault."
"What?"
"I do have to say he does have a point."
"Rogue? I thought you were dead?"
"It's true though. Most bad things that happen in the guild hall revolve around Sting."
"Not you too Orga?"
"What about the time you brought those ferrets home and tried to start a farm with them?"
"Lacing Orga's cigar with cocaine is a memory I'd like to forget."
"And didn't Yukino get her nose broke because of your disco day idea?"
"In fact, all your special day ideas sucked. Toga Tuesday and Stripper Sunday were by far the worst. I've never seen Minerva in a more disturbing state."
"And who the hell would think that malt vinegar and crab alfredo ice cream would taste good? We all got food poisoning!"
"Or the week you went around dressed as Deadpool and scaring little children just cause you thought it would help you beat Rogue in a swordfight?"
"And the time you cut Jiemma's brake lines cause you thought it would help him make it to his conference faster and he ended up driving his car through the front of the guild hall?"
"My worst memory was when you switched the sugar with the salt. That was the most sickening coffee that has ever hit my taste buds."
Sting let out an exasperated sigh as he listened to his guildmates. "Are you guys done yet?" As if on cue, mostly because fanfiction is all about convenience, much like a 7/11, Jellal returned with a much thicker, ancient looking burgundy book. He set the book down in front of Levy, who opened it to the exact page that she needed to. Thanks 7/11.
"It says here that dragon slayers will have one mate that will usually be determined by age 30. Well, that's kind of late" Levy commented under her breath. "Let's see here, it says that since full maturity isn't usually reached in the human body until ages 24-26, a dragon slayer won't usually determine their mate until then. However, certain spells can be used to speed up the process."
"Well, we've seen that first-hand" Kagura spoke, attempting to keep a doting Cobra off of her. "What else does it say?"
Levy scrolled through her pages a bit more, turning to the next page. "When a dragon finds its mate, it seems that its most repressed personality traits become evident. It appears that the same holds true for slayers as well."
"Well that explains a lot" Lucy said, pointing to each of the slayers. "Wendy is kind and selfless, so it's only natural that her possesive side would kick in." Wendy gave a quick smile to Lucy before continuing to glare at Juvia.
Lucy continued "Rogue is very quiet and keeps to himself, so it's only natural that he'd be loud, obnoxious, and very touchy feely."
"He gets anymore touchy feely and I'll break his neck" Gildarts 'muttered'.
Everyone shivered in fear before Lucy continued her personality assessment. "Laxus is clearly going to be kind to Merudy and treat her like a queen, seeing as how most of the time he's an arrogant asshole."
"Hey" Laxus and the members of the Raijinshuu yelled. Lucy snapped her whip.
"I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, your motto was, and I quote, 'fuck all the bitches and get all the money'. Not to mention how you said your purpose in life was to succeed your grandfather by, and I quote again, 'taking over as master and breaking more shit than he did'. So can it Pikachu!"
Lucy was about to continue when Freed spoke up. "I wouldn't mind being a bitch." Lucy continued to say it was about the same situation for Cobra and Gajeel while everyone backed away from Freed very, very slowly. Juvia, who had just woken up, passed out again with her overactive erotic imagination going into overdrive, landing perfectly in Sting's arms.
"Sting likes to play coy with women, so it's only natural that he would fawn over Juvia like this. And Natsu" she trailed off.
"Will get smarter, hopefully" Gray smirked at him.
"At least I'm not stuck playing babysitter like you" the pinkette shot back while sticking out his tongue.
"Age is just a number, Natsu" Wendy piped up.
"And jail is just a room. The magic council has strict laws against sick acts like that" Doranbolt explained to her.
"When did you get here?" Erza questioned.
"And who are you to be giving lectures about pedophilia?" Jellal asked.
"Hey Fernandes, you and your guild are still wanted criminals. I could arrest you right now if I wanted. So shut it" he said.
"You couldn't catch me anyway" Jellal taunted as he meteored out the door.
Doranbolt shook his head. "I use teleporting magic. I could appear in front of you at any second" and he vanished.
"Well, if this is a race" and Sawyer was out the door.
Cobra was laughing like a maniac while he listened in on everyone's thoughts, Midnight was trying to trap Gajeel in a horrifying illusion so he could have Mira to himself, and Hoteye was dancing on the stage to a smooth jazz tune that was playing in his head.
Merudy sighed to herself as she stared out the door. "Am I the only sane person in my gu-LOOK A FISH!"
"FISH!" Happy cried as he and Merudy raced after the seafood.
Alright, I officially give up for now. You should probably let Levy finish reading the passage from the book. After that, I don't care. The rules are in place, once she's done, do whatever the fuck you want.
"Wait, so, we're free?" Natsu asked.
"But weren't we always free?" Sting joined in.
As the voice faded out, all the wizards in the hall were left questioning the meaning of their existence.
