We open up to Chris sitting in what appears to be the corridor of some kind of hi-tech facility.

"Last time, one Total Drama Planet..." He began.

"We split our twenty-four Dramanauts into two teams- the Danger Will Robinsons, and the Beam-Me-Up Scotties. After blasting off into the final frontier, we finally arrived at the Total Drama Planet.

"There, our Dramanauts had to face their first team-challenge; building shelters. While the Robinsons scavenged the landscape and their brains for a means of shelter the Scotties had Mr. 3- who possessed wax powers- sculpt a castle for them.

"Needless to say, neither shelter worked out. Earthworm Jim super-heroic strength ruined the Robinsons' hard work, and even the grandest castles can't last if they're built to melt- like Mr. 3's did.

"The Robinsons won the challenge, though, by claiming Ratticus' rat burrow for themselves, while the Scotties sent Mr. 3 home to think about the strengths of a non-wax house.

"However, the wax castle might not have melted naturally, as private moment with Ashley revealed.

"Which team will come on top today? And will Ashley continue to sabotage her own?" Chris asked, "Find out today…

"On TOTAL…DRAMA…PLANET!"

Episode 3: Locking Horns

It was early morning in the Hub when Tyler awoke. Yawning, he stepped outside the Delux-a-tron, absentmindedly scratching himself. Looking around, he saw Lashawna lying against a tree.

"Hey, Leshawna!" He called, jogged over to her. When he got closer he saw that the ghetto girl's eyes were shut.

Leshawna opened and eye and yawned. "Hey, Tyler."

"What are you doing out here?" Tyler asked, stopping once he was close enough.

Leshawna stood up and stretched, groaning slightly. "Getting some fresh air. That hole was starting to smell funny. No ventilation."

Tyler chuckled sheepishly. "Yeah, we made Owen sleep near the entrance 'cause a' that," He then frowned. "What's she doing?"

Leshawna raised an eyebrow, so Tyler pointed. Looking in that direction, Leshawna saw Ashley hunched over something. Exchanging looks, the two teens walked over.

-TDP-

Ashley stared at the hole Red was digging in the ground. When it was deep enough to fit in, Red dropped his shovel, panting.

"A bit deeper, Red." Ashley ordered.

Red groaned, picked up the shovel, and began to dig again, falling into the hole. Eventually, he vanished from sight, tossing up more dirt as he tunneled.

"That's enough, Red." Ashley said.

The flow of dirt ceased. Ashley stared down the hole, but Red didn't come up. Sighing, the girl in red reached down and pulled the unconscious demon out. Reaching into her dress, she pulled out a small, green seed.

"Hey, Ashley."

Ashley glanced behind and saw Tyler and Leshawna walking up. She dropped the seed down the hole and pushed the dirt back in.

"Whatcha up to, girl friend?" Leshawna asked, trying to be cheerful. She saw the disturbed soil in front of Ashley. "Gardening?"

Ashley glanced at Leshawna, then back at the re-filled hole. "…Yes."

"Why?" Tyler asked.

"…Because." Ashley replied.

"Because…" Leshawna prompted awkwardly.

"Because it's a secret." Ashley said simply.

Leshawna and Tyler exchanged awkward looks. Whle Tyler looked slightly confused, Leshawna looked slightly annoyed.

(Confessional)

"Man, that girl is more impersonal than Eva!" Leshawna remarked, "She at least had a violent temper to react to. Ashley hasn't spoken more than six times since we've got here!"

(End Confessional)

Chef Hatchet soon came down with the day's rations, and everybody was up and about, eating. Due to a severe lack of tables to sit at, the Dramanauts had to sit the ground as they ate their bland, tasteless ration bars. While the 'newbies' were a smidge upset that their meals were less than they were expecting, the regulars were elated- the bars were a step up from the gruel chef normally served.

Their 'happy meal' was interrupted by the timely arrival of Chris, whose coming was foreshadowed by the light of the Matter Transporter.

"Okay, Dramanauts, time for your next challenge!" He announced, "If you will all calmly board the Shuttle, we can get moooving along." Chris grinned after he said that, clearly feeling quite clever."

Minutes later, with the teams, host, and big, mean chef aboard, the Total Drama Space Shuttle blasted off into the air.

-TDP-

The Shuttle landed in a field where the grass was a peculiar shade of blue, with yellow highlights. With mountains that were shaped suspiciously like hands making weird gestures, the cast gathered before Chris.

"Welcome to the Fields of Abduction." Chris began.

"Why is it called that?" Shantae asked.

"I'll tell you," Chris said, "No- better yet, I'll show you!"

Christ pointed behind the Dramanauts, and they turned to look.

"Cows?" Heather asked, bewildered.

Directly behind them were a bewildering amount of cows, all grazing, mooing, and being all cowish.

"Were those there before?" Owen asked, confused. "Because I'm pretty sure they weren't…"

"Look at that bunch…"Ratticus commented.

"Herd, actually." Harold corrected.

Ratticus gave him a look. "Heard of what?"

"Herd of cows." Harold explained.

"Sure I've heard of cows!" Ratticus said.

By the Shuttle, Chef played a rimshot on a set of drums.

"Ignoring that…" Chris mumbled, and said loudly, "As you know, a popular past time for alien visitors is abducting cattle. This is where they all end up."

"Mooooo." The cows said.

"On opposite sides of this field are signs, bearing your team's emblems," Chris went on, "For the first event in your challenge, you must herd as many cows around your sign as you can. Whichever team has the most cattle will win a special prize for the second event. Now, moooove it out!"

(Confessional)

"Somehow, I knew that those awful puns were going to be the least bad thing to happen that day." Gwen confided.

(End Confessional)

Danger Will Robinsons

"I've got this challenge," Harold said confidently, "Witness the fruits of the summer I spent at Cactus Jake's Dude Ranch!"

The geeky one whipped out a lasso and began to twirl it overhead. A small amount of dust was kicked up as he twirled it faster and faster.

"Are you sure you know how to use that thing?" Shantae asked, backing away.

"Of course!" Harold grinned, and focused his gaze on a cow ahead. "Yee-ha!"

Harold let the lasso fly. Unfortunately, the rope went flying backwards instead of forwards, and ended up lasso-ing DJ.

"You're technique needs work." DJ commented dryly.

Harold rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Must've put in too much top-spin…"

Shantae rolled her eyes. With a flick of her head, she whipped one cow with her ponytail. "Giddyap!"

Beam-Me-Up Scotties

"I know how to deal with cows!" Izzy declared, "Dopey! Come with me!"

Dopey's eyes widened, and his shock at being singled out was such that he barely had time to protest as the crazy girl dragged him off. Meanwhile, the rest of the Scotties tried to get the cows moving towards their post with limited success.

"C'mon, girl, this way…" Bridgette said soothingly to one cow. The cow stared at her dryly, chewing a cud, not moving an inch.

"Aren't cows so cute?" Lindsay asked, rubbing one. "And they feel so cuddly!"

"Moo." The cow said, bored.

Lindsay stopped, confused. "Something's not right…aren't cows supposed to do something differently?"

Heather rolled her eyes.

(Confessional)

"One good thing about not being able to score an alliance with Lindsay is, I won't have to put up with her any longer than I want to," Heather said, "And, best of all, I've found someone better to score an alliance with!"

(End confessional)

Fighter bent down next to a cow and, with great effort, tried to pick it up.

"Hey, Fighter," Heather began cheerfully, walking up to him. "Let's talk."

Danger Will Robinsons

"Behold!" Jim declared, scooping up a cow with one arm. He held it up for all to see. "With my unstoppable might, I can win this challenge in seconds!"

"What are you gonna do?" Tyler asked.

"I will toss this cow towards our goal, thereby cutting down the time it would take to walk him there manually!" Jim explained as the cow said "Moo" in confusion.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah," Chiyo said, "What if you hurt the cow?"

"Don't worry," jim assured, "Cows love falling from great heights- And I should know! Just watch!"

Jim began his wind-up. Unfortunately, just as he started to throw, his foot slipped on something wet and the cow went flying straight up into the air. So high it vanished from sight. The Robinsons stared up, waiting for it to come down. Nothing happened.

"Yeah," Gwen said slowly. "I don't think we'll be doing that."

Black Mage rolled his eyes and walked towards another cow.

"Okay, cow, you heard the lady," He said, standing behind it. "Unless you want to join your friend in the stratosphere, I suggest you move those hoofs."

The cow's response was both succinct and painful.

Beam-Me-Up-Scotties

"…So, if we work together, we're guaranteed to be in the final two," Heather finished, "Agreed?"

"Oh, sure," Fighter replied, giving his cow a piggyback ride towards the Scotties' goal. "But, shouldn't we get permission from your parents, first?"

Heather stared at him. "…What?"

"I mean, this is a pretty big step you want to take," Fighter went on, "And we haven't even gone out."

"Bu- No!" Heather sputtered, "Not marriage! I just want you to vote for whoever I want you to vote for!"

"Oh."

"And you can't tell anyone!" Heather insisted.

"No problem," Fighter assured, "I'm very good at doing that."

It was at this moment that Black Mage, propelled by physical force, flew into Fighter's back, causing him to drop the cow. On Black Mage.

"Hi, buddy!" Fighter greeted cheerfully.

"Mmmf!" Black Mage kicked his legs fruitless, trying to get free. The cow stood up, allowing Black Mage to stand as well. "I never want to be near a cow's butt like that again!"

"Guess what!" Fighter said excitedly, "Heather and I are going to be in an alliance! That means we're just voting for the same people. Not getting married."

Heather's eye twitched as she stared at Fighter in disbelief before exploding. "What did I just say!"

Fighter looked at her. "To not tell anyone, duh."

"And what did you just do!"

"Don't worry, Black Mage's name isn't Anyone," Fighter explained, "I've known him for years. It's Evilwizardington. Unless he's been lying to me all this time…"

As Fighter mulled this thought over, Black Mage handed Heather a knife.

"You'll need this." He said.

"Moo." The cow said before kicking Black Mage away.

Danger Will Robinsons

"Hey, I've got an idea," Luigi said, snapping his fingers. "Does anyone have a musical instrument, like a harmonica, or ocarina?"

Without missing a beat, Harold reached into his pocket and pulled out a comb and tissue. He then folded the tissue around the teeth of the comb. He held it up to his lips and made a nasally toot with it.

Luigi, his eyebrow raised, took the comb kazoo.

"What are you going to do?" Tyler asked.

"I'm gonna lure these cows to our goal with some musical charm." Luigi explained.

"What, like the Pied Piper?" Owen asked curiously.

"Yup." Luigi replied.

Courtney's forehead creased as she frowned. "That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard! This isn't some childish fairy tale! It's the most sadistic reality show to ever be aired!"

"We'll see." Luigi said, and hummed the following tune;

Toot too-toot… Toot too-toot…

There was a sudden silence as all of the cows stared at Luigi.

(Confessional)

"Then, all of the cows started to milk…" Gwen growled, her arms crossed.

-TDP-

"…All by themselves." Ashley growled, her pigtails dripping.

-TDP-

Dj twisted his hat, causing some milk to drip out. "It was insane!"

-TDP-

"Yeah, I saw all it all happen from a hill me an' Dopey were on," Izzy giggled, "And- Omigosh! It was like watching a flash flood grow out of the ground!"

(End Confessional)

Soaked, smelly and udderly(PUN!) shocked at the event, the Robinsons stared as the milk flood receded.

"Okay, we're not doing that again." Gwen said sourly.

Beam-Me-Up Scotties

"Now, take that one to the goal," Leshawna said, "There ya go."

"Babuu." Bon Bonne said, picking up a cow with both hands. Holding the bovine over his head, the robot-baby-thing marched slowly towards the Scotties' goal.

"Good job motivatin' the wide-load," Bender remarked, walking up. "We might win this stupid challenge yet."

Leshawna grinned at the robot. "I just hope we don't end up breaking some child labor law."

"Speakin' of labor," Bender reached into his chest cabinet, pulled out a cigar, and put it in his mouth. Lighting it, he asked, "This event seems pretty mild compared to what I heard Chris was capable of."

"Honey, don't knock it," Leshawna replied, "I like it when things are mild. When the alternative is jumping sharks and volcanos, I'll take a bunch of cows that say moo any day!"

Over where she was, Lindsay heard Leshawna said. A particular phrase bounced back and forth in her empty head.

Cows that say moo…

Cows that say moo…

Say moo…

Lisa needs braces…

Say moo…

Say…

Say…

"Oh my gosh! That's it!" Lindsay exclaimed, "That's what's wrong!"

Leshawna and Bender exchanged looks. They then played a game of rock-paper-scissors. Upon losing to Bender's scissors with her paper, Leshawna sighed and walked over to Lindsay.

"All right, let's hear it," Leshawna said tiredly, "What's wrong?"

"The cows!" Lindsay cried, "They're saying moo!"

"Of course they're saying moo," Leshawna groaned, rubbing her forehead. "They're cows."

"But cows don't say moo!" Lindsay insisted, "They go moo!"

If Lindsay had expected that revelation to shock Leshawna, she was severely disappointed. If anything, Leshawna was more amused than stunned.

"So what?" She asked playfully, "These are killer cows from outer space?"

Every cow then began to exchange worried looks. They began to say things that weren't moo.

"Crud, they're on to us!"

"Get 'em!"

As one, the cows stood up on their hind legs, creating a visual effect too much like a Gary Larson Far Side comic. Then, just as the Dramanauts were too busy absorbing this new sight, the cows began to riot, in a display of movement that seemed like a combination lynch mob and cattle stampede.

"Siddhartha Buddha!" Owen cried, "The cows are attacking!"

"The cows are attacking?" Chiyo shrieked, trying to hysterically avoid being trampled.

"I thought Chris said these cows were from Earth!" Bridgette yelled over the sound of stamping hoofs.

-TDP-

On an observation platform far, far away from the challenge sight Chris and Chef watched the proceedings through high-powered binoculars.

"…Huh." Chris said casually.

"Did you know those cows would do that?" Chef asked.

"Nope," Chris admitted. He glanced at Chef. "Think we should go down and help?"

The two exchanged looks, and then burst out laughing.

-TDP-

The 'War of the Cows' was going as well as any battle between reality show contestants and Killer Cows from Outer Space; not very well at all. Dramanauts that weren't being shoved, beaten and occasionally spat cud on were attempting to fight against the bovine riot scene with the amount of success they were used to.

Very little.

"Eeeek!" Lindsay shrieked, curling up into a frightened little ball on the grass as a cow advanced on her.

"Lindsay!" Tyler cried, and heroically declared, "I'll save you!"

The wannabe athlete made a fantastic leap towards the advancing cow…and landed right at its feet- er, hooves. Both Lindsay and cow stared at him.

"Oh, gawd, I think he spat on my hooves," The cow whined, "I'm outta here."

The cow stalked off, clearly offended. After a moment, Lindsay grabbed Tyler's head and hugged it to her chest.

"My hero!"

Elsewhere, a group of cows were surrounding Black Mage, all armed with a variety of cow tools. Despite being in the face of impending pounding, the unrepentant murderer appeared calm.

"You know, I'm kind of glad something like this happened," The guy in the doofy hat said, "I was hungry for hamburger today."

The cows stopped, confused.

"You see, you're not facing another dumb player on another dumb reality show," Black Mage continued coolly, "You face a dark mage, wielder of impure energies. I'm a man who's not only gained dominion over Hell, but have also absorbed the from the most evil thing in the universe…myself."

The cows were starting to look worried. The matter-of-fact way Black Mage was talking in was getting to them.

"So go ahead, come get me," Black Mage shrugged, "It'll be fun."

The cows exchanged frightened glances, sweating. For a moment, it looked like they would back off.

Then Fighter stuck his head in. "Wow, Black Mage, that's incredible! I thought Sarda de-powered you!"

The cows and Black Mage looked at him suddenly. Black Mage, his face hidden in the shadow of his hat, had a look of worry.

"Remember?" Fighter asked, "That uber wizard who was actually the grown-up version of some kid you traumatized took away our abilities when we were Light Warriors? I remember 'cause it turned out he didn't actually have a mustache and became that Chaos guy White Mage and her friends beat up."

The cows exchanged looks with each other before turning back to Black Mage.

"Getting killed here will be worth it-" Black Mage said, "-since I'll be free of Fighter."

Off to the side, Harold pulled out his nunchucks and began to twirl them, trying to fend off cows. And it worked…until his hand slipped and they went flying away into Black Mage's face. Several other cows tried to shove around Bon Bonne, who just stood there, unaffected and confused. Eventually, the cows gave up and left him alone. Cows that began to shove Owen around had better luck, as the big guy's hefty body was also quite squishy and easily pushed…until he let one rip, causing nearby cows to pass out from noxious fumes. Duncan put one cow in a headlock, but the cow quickly tagged out with another cow who then put Duncan in a headlock. One cow went after Ashley, who glared at him with glowing red eyes. The cow wisely backed off.

Jim, meanwhile, was having the time of his life. Whipping out his ray gun, he began to fire wildly, shooting beams in random directions.

"Eat dirt, cows!" Jim cackled maniacally.

While Jim's wild fire did burn several cows, his erratic aim also tended to drift towards Dramanauts, resulting in one too many near misses.

"Ahh!" Gwen shrieked, ducking behind a large rock as a bolt of energy zipped right where her head used to be. "Watch where you're pointing that thing!"

"What was that?" Jim asked, looking.

That moment of distraction was all the cows needed. While Jim's attention was diverted, one cow snuck up from behind. Then, putting on a scary mask, he tapped Jim's shoulder.

"Hmm?" Jim turned to look.

"Boogah-boogah." The cow said.

Jim shrieked a little girly shriek, tossing his ray gun by accident. It landed on the outside of the cattle-riot.

"Swell." Gwen groaned, slumping.

Needless to say, it wasn't too long before the cows had completely overwhelmed the Dramanauts.

"Today, the reality show!" One cow yelled, "Tomorrow, the network!"

The cows cheered. But then…

"Yoooodle-eh-ee-hoo!"

"What was that?" the head cow asked.

"Yoooodle-eh-ee-hoo!"

DJ pointed. "Look!"

Everyone looked towards where DJ was pointing. On the top of a nearby hill was Izzy, dressed in full cowgirl garb and riding some kind of deformed, rainbow-colored ostrich. Somewhere, music that would fit in a western movie began to play.

Izzy waved her hat in the air. "Yee-haw! Giddalong, ya little doggies!"

Giving her ostrich-thing a swift kick with her heels, Izzy rode down towards the throng, whooping and shrieking insanely. The cows, out of terror, confusion, or perhaps some primal instinct, fled in droves, wailing. By the time Izzy made it to the Dramanauts, they were rapidly vanishing into the horizon. The music stopped.

Hopping down from her mount, Izzy said, "I told you I knew how to deal with cows!"

Getting up, the Dramanauts stared at her.

"That was incredible!" Owen said, and then looked confused. "But where'd you get the costume?"

"And where'd the music come from?" Bridgette asked, looking around.

Izzy pointed. "Dopey helped me!"

Everyone looked and say Dopey trudge in, pushing a spinning wheel and wearing a one-man band outfit. The dwarf was slightly blue in the face as he fell back on the drum, gasping. Just as he began to slip into unconsciousness, there came a loud beeping noise that woke him up.

"What was that?" Izzy asked, looking around.

"That was the end of the round," Chris said, walking in on the scene. "The cow-herding event is over, and I gotta say, I'm disappointed. Neither team managed to get a single cow."

"Are you kidding me?" Gwen snapped, "Those cows almost killed us! Weren't you watching?"

"Yes, yes I was," Chris replied nonplussed, "I'd have thought that a team with super freaks could handle it. Once again, disappointment."

"Oh, I'll show you a super freak," Black Mage growled menacingly, "But first…" He turned to Harold and held out nunchucks. "I believe these belong to you."

"Hey, thanks!" As Harold eagerly took the nunchucks, his smile dropped. "You're not going to stab me with a knife, are you?"

"Oh no…" Black Mage assured, reaching into his robes with both hands. "Not a knife… Was there an eclipse scheduled for today?"

WHUMP!

"Moo…" The cow moaned dizzily.

"Cow!" Courtney yelled, pointing. "We've got a cow, Robinsons win!"

"No way!" Duncan snapped, "It's closer to our goal!"

"But it landed on our teammate!"

"Nobody help," Black Mage grunted from somewhere under the cow, "I'm perfectly happy stuck under a cow's butt."

"So what if it landed on your stupid teammate?" Duncan demanded, "It's still near our goal!"

"But it's not at your goal, is it?" Courtney shot back.

"That's so bogus!"

"Is not!"

Chiyo stared at the cow. "Shouldn't we help him…?"

Ignoring Chiyo, Courtney turned and asked, "Chris, what do you think?" She had that 'agree with me or else' look in her eyes.

Chris frowned slightly. While he didn't really want to agree with Courtney, he also enjoyed ticking off Duncan. He began to mentally debate which ruling would yield a more entertaining reaction. Just as he came to a decision, Black Mage lifted the cow off him and threw it at the Robinsons goal.

"Jeez, it stunk under there!" The murdering psycho gasped.

Chris shrugged. "The winners of the first half of the challenge: The Danger Will Robinsons!"

The Robinsons cheered while the Scotties groaned.

(Confessional)

"I couldn't believe it," Fighter said, "Who knew Black Mage could throw a cow with those weak, noodle-ee wizard arms?"

(End Confessional)

"What do we win?" Shantae asked.

"I'll show you in just a second!" Chris said, "Just follow me to where the second half of the challenge will take place."

As the Dramanauts- some grumbling more than others- followed Chris, Jim was searching through the grass. DJ paused to watch.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I can't find my ray gun," Jim said, "I know it landed around here somewhere…"

"Yo!" A gruff voice alerted them to Chef's presence behind them. "Chris said to move it!"

"We're looking for Jim's ray gun," DJ explained, "He dropped it..."

"Were you listening?" Chef demanded, "Move it!"

Chef Hatchet reached down and grabbed both Jim and DJ by the collars of their shirts (Or in Jim's case, super suit) and hauled them off. After they were gone, Duncan noticed something and bent down…

-TDP-

Chris and Chef led the teams towards another part of the field. There, three long obstacle courses of sorts had been set up. Also nearby was a gigantic box. Occasionally a loud snort could be heard from it, and something inside would rock the box.

"The next half of the challenge is called the Steering Race," Chris explained, "In this race, a representative for each team will ride a cow down one of these three courses. Whoever gets their cow across the finish line at the end will win the challenge for their team."

"What cows?" Bridgette asked, "They all left because Izzy scared them off with her cowgirl routine."

"Hey, it's no problem!" Izzy said, still in her cowgirl costume, and still riding the ostrich. "Thumber wouldn't mind if one of us rode him!"

Luigi stroked his mustache thoughtfully. "Who's Thumper?"

"This guy!" Izzy gave the ostrich an affectionate pat on the head. "He just looooves being rode on! And it's pronounced 'Thumber'."

'Thumber' made an expression that suggested he was having digestive problems.

"Are we really gonna ride an ostrich?" Tyler asked, confused.

"Thankfully, no!" Chris said, "For this event, we've already secured two racing steers bred just for this event! Chef?"

Chef Hatchet, now wearing a radiation suit, took a long stick and tapped a button on the giant box with one end. The front side of the box fell open, and out came something truly frightening.

Imagine, if you will, a bull. A big black bull, with horns so sharp on the end that they could puncture steel. Each inch of his body a hardened muscle. Crazed, bloodshot eyes. A nose ring that had a skull ornament.

Now imagine two of these vicious things. That's what the Dramanauts were looking at.

"Meet Melvin and Skeeter," Chris introduced with sadistic glee, "You'll be riding these beaut's down the selected course. Do your best to steer these steers-" Chris chuckled at his joke. Someone had to. "-around the obstacles to the best of your ability. Just don't fall off."

One of the bulls snorted, releasing a short ball of fire. The Dramanauts gulped. DJ and Luigi took a few steps back.

A thought occurred to Harold. "Wait, one? We're only going to ride these monsters once?"

Chris nodded. "Yup. As a reward for winning the first event, the Danger Will Robinsons will choose which of the three courses will be used for the race. We have the Course of Stinging Pain…"

Chris gestured, and the Dramanauts followed his hand towards the courses. The first one looked like an ordinary steeple chase… only the fences were covered spikes that were dripping with a foreboding purple liquid, and the pits were on fire.

"The Course of Bludgeoning Pain…"

The next course had swinging pendulums (Essentially maces) and cannons that shot out spring-loaded punching gloves…all aimed at where the rider would be.

"And the last course…"

The 'last course' was, against all expectations, the least dangerous of the three. It was completely barren of fire, spikes, blunt objects, or any other kind of dangerous obstacles. Only a bunch of giant black cubes were scattered around the course.

"That one!" DJ yelled.

"That one!" Chiyo squeaked, waving her arms.

"We'll take that one!" Luigi affirmed.

"That was quick," Chris hummed, "You've chosen- wait a minute, forgot to turn it on."

Chris pulled out a remote control with a single red button and gave it a press. Immediately, the last course underwent a shocking transformation. Barbed wire sprang out from the ground. Walls of flames ignited. Spinning blades popped out of the cubes. Laser nets that turned on and off activated. Pits appeared in the ground, and were instantly filled with water and piranhas. Cannons wheeled up on either side.

"As I was saying," Chris said, putting the remote away. "You have chosen the Course of Ultimate, Supremely Painful Doom."

Everyone stared in horror at the transformed death course. They then glared at Luigi, DJ, and Chiyo in annoyance.

"Uh, can we choose a different course?" Luigi asked sheepishly.

Chris smirked. "No backsies! Now, I'll give you moment to decide which teammate you want to represent your team in the race."

Danger Will Robinsons

"Nice job, guys," Courtney hissed as the Robinsons huddled, "Picking the most dangerous course."

"We didn't know!" DJ protested helplessly.

"So, uh," Tyler began, trying to keep the focus on the matter at hand. "Who's gonna ride the bull?"

"Well, don't look at me," Owen insisted, "I've taken a lot of hits for my team, but I am not getting on that thing."

"It probably wouldn't hold you up anyway," Gwen said good-naturedly. Glancing at the course, she asked, "And if any of you think I'm going down that death track, you've got another thing coming."

"Well, we've got to send in someone," Shantae said, "Which one of us has the most experience riding vicious animals through imminent peril?"

"Leave it to me," Harold said boldly, "I once spent a summer at a dude ranch. There's no hoofed animal I can't ride!"

"But what about the deathtraps?" Courtney asked skeptically, "Can you ride that thing and dodge them?"

"Yeah, you're skinny as a rail," Tyler pointed out, "It won't take much to mess you up."

"Not a problem," Harold assured, puffing his chest. "I'll dodge them with the inherent agility only someone with my svelte frame could have."

Black Mage rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Svelt. Look, let's be realistic here. There's a very real chance that whoever takes this challenge will die."

"Welcome to the Total Drama series." Gwen muttered.

"Therefore, it would be in our best interests to send in someone whose death will benefit us," Black Mage continued, ignoring her. "I recommend Chiyo."

Chiyo's eyes turned white from shock and her pigtails stood straight up. Everyone else stared at Black Mage in alarm.

"We can claim she's a sacrifice to a dark god," Black Mage explained, "They're quite generous when you sacrifice orphans."

"B-but, I'm not an orphan!" Chiyo wailed, terrified.

"We can fix that. Where do your parents live?"

(Confessional)

"I knew Black Mage was one weird dude," DJ said, "But I didn't know he was insane!"

-TDP-

"If we lose, I'm voting him off," Shantae said, "It's the only way any of us will be safe."

(End Confessional)

Beam-Me-Up Scotties

Meanwhile, the Scotties were having less arguments over who to send in.

"So it's agreed," Heather said, "Izzy's going in."
Izzy, who was still on Thumber, pumped her arm. "Yes!"

"You sure about this?" Leshawna asked. She took another look at the spinning blades on the Course of Ultimate, Supremely Painful Doom. "I'm all for sending crazy-girl into that nightmare, but can she do it?" Leshawna remembered how Izzy would often blow challenges to sate her inane whims. Would Izzy enjoy the 'certain doom' so much that she would forget to actually finish the race?

Izzy leaned forward and patted Lashawna on the arm. "Re-lax, Shawny! Those booby traps won't even touch me," She giggled excitedly. "This is gonna be so cool! Look at all those blades and fire!"

Leshawna was not relieved. "That's what I'm afraid of."

Bridgette decided to make a suggestion. "Why not Fighter? He's wearing armor, after all."

"That is completely true!" Fighter said.

"What? No!" Heather said almost too quickly. "We're not using Fighter. Anyone but Fighter."

(Confessional)

"I have an alliance," Heather said firmly, "And there is no way I'm losing it before it can be exploited."

(End Confessional)

"Has everyone decided who they want in the race?" Chris asked.

"Yes." The Dramanauts sighed.

"Good," The sadist smirked and said, "And now it's time for me to decide whose racing."

"But you said…" Courtney began.

"I wanted to see who you wanted to race," Chris explained with a devilish smile, "I never said they would actually be in it. For that, we turn to the Wheel of Drama!"

Chef pushed the 'Wheel of Drama' in on the scene. It looked exactly like the Wheel of Elimination from episode one, except the picture of Ezekiel had been messily crossed out.

Chris gave it a spin. "Our first racing is…Black Mage…" He gave it a second spin. "And…Heather!"

Silence reigned. Then, as one, every Dramanaut, except for two, began to cheer.

"I wasn't paying attention," Fighter said to Lindsay, "Why are we cheering?"

-TDP-

In short time, both Black Mage and Heather were sitting on the backs of two terrifying bulls, facing the Course of Ultimate Supremely Painful Doom.

Heather shot a nasty glare at her smiling teammates. "Well? Don't any of you losers want to say something?"

"Better you than us." Duncan said, smirked.

Heather growled. She then noticed that Black Mage was…smiling. (Well, his eyes looked like an M under his hat.) "Why're you so happy?"

"I'm just eager from the anticipation." Black Mage replied.

"Eager?" Heather repeated, "We're heading into certain death."

"And after a lifetime of subjection to immense pain and utter stupidity, death would be a reprieve."

Heather rubbed her chin thoughtfully. He almost had a point.

Almost.

"Before we begin the race, I have one last rule," Chris said, "You see those cannons lined up on other side of the course?"

They did. And the cannons looked very ominous.

"Each team will take on side. Robinsons on the right, Scotties on the left," Chris explained, "And you'll fire them during the race."

"At the other team's rider?" Harold asked.

Chris shrugged. "If ya want."

Luigi raised a hand. "Uh, Chris? I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with shooting iron balls at people."

"Don't worry, Luigi," Chris said, "We aren't using real cannon balls. Those are expensive. Our cannons are loaded with rubber balls used for riot suppression. Now, places, everyone!"

Everyone took their places. There was some initial difficulty with Lindsay and Fighter not knowing which way was left. At the starting, the bulls exchanged nasty looks- as if they had other ideas for the event- And their riders. Behind, far far back from the bulls, Chris held up a pistol.

"Okay, ready? Set…" Chris stuck a finger in one ear and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. Confused, Chris pulled the trigger again. And again. Frowning, he yelled to Chef, "You forgot to load the starting gun, dude!"

Chef rolled his eyes. Grumbling, he picked up a small paper bag. Taking out the sandwich and thermos, he then blew into the bag, inflating it to its limit. Spreading out his hands, the bag in one and the other empty, Chef smacked the two together.

POW!

Bucking up, the bulls took off down the course. Or rather, they went down the direction the course was set in. However, neither bull seemed too keen on keeping clear of the many, many traps set up Chris' interns- much to the consternation and terror of their riders.

"Whoa, boy!" Heather shrieked, trying to stay on her bull's back as it galloped. "Sit! Stay! Heel! Look out! Aahhh!"

Heather fell back suddenly as a giant sword swung by, just where her head used to be. Unfortunately, she leaned back too much too quickly and began to fall back. Desperately, she grabbed hold of the bull's tail- and ended up sitting right where its butt was. She moaned in pain and disgust as the bull's hind legs kicked as it ran. Black Mage lacking Heather's grace and agility, got a sever cutting from the knives. By the time his bull was past the knives, his robes looked more like a pile of blue rags that someone had covered him with while he was sleeping. Piled and dyed red in spots.

By the time Heather managed to climb back onto her bull's back, they were nearing the laser grid. Using coordination and balance gained from learning ballet, Heather successfully avoided getting a fatal blow. Non-fatal blows were the par for the course, naturally.

"Auugh!" Heather screeched, her face contorting in pain. "My thighs!" Then a laser singed the top of her scalp. "My HAIR!"

Meanwhile, Black Mage's bull was bucking towards one of the many walls of fire placed strategically throughout the course. After an initial panic attack, Black Mage calmed down.

"Wait, why am I worrying?" Black Mage murmured to himself, "If I time my jump right, I'll get clear of the flames just as this stupid cow plows right into it like the stupid man-cow he is. No problem."

However, the man-c- er, bull, had other ideas. Just as it reached the fire, the bull leaped- and as it went over the flames, it twirled in the air, giving Black Mage a brief, but undoubtedly searing burn. The bull landed right-side up on the other side of the fire. A completely singed Black Mage sat on its back, utterly shell-shocked.

"How did that happen?" Black Mage moaned before the bull took off again. Then his hat caught on fire. "Gah! I'm burning! Again!"

The bull stopped at the edge of one of the pits, the force of which sent Black Mage into the water.

"Aaaah! Piranha!" He screamed as the carnivorous fishies mobbed him.

Further ahead, Heather had reached the final stretch of the course- the cannon run. Cannons blasted all around her, pelting the mean girl with as many rubber balls as can be. Heather quickly realized that she was being blasted from both sides of the course, which meant…

"You're not supposed to be blasting me, you losers!" She screamed at the Scotties.

"Can you blame us?" Duncan shouted back, firing another ball.

"Yes!"

Meanwhile, Black Mage, a lone piranha chewing on the point of his hat, came bounding up on his bull. The bull itself had a pained expression on its face, which could be attributed to the several stab marks on its head.

Bon Bonne, seeing him coming, pointed his cannon in that direction. Then, in one smooth motion, picked up his cannon and flung it at Black Mage!

"Gah!" Black Mage cried, ducking under the thrown weapon as it sailed just over his head.

The rest of the Scotties, however, began to aim and fire their cannons at Black Mage the normal way. This came as a relief to Heather, who now only had an even dozen cannons to put up with. Of course, now that the flight paths of the rubber balls were no longer centered on a single target, this made the final stretch of the course look like the battlefield of an old war-time cartoon. Balls that were on intersecting flight paths ended up bouncing off each other and back at the other Dramanauts.

"Ow!" Courtney shrieked as one ball smacked into her face, knocking her back.

Gwen, on the cannon to the left of her, snickered at this, until another ball hit her face.

And through it all, Black Mage clung to the back of the bull. Even as multiple balls bounced and rebounded off of him, he didn't flinch.

(Confessional)

"Some jackass wizard once hit me with a continent," Black Mage said, inspecting his nails. "Compared to that, those rubber balls were nothing. Besides, all of my nerves had died from pain-overdose, so I couldn't feel a thing."

(End Confessional)

"Man, that guy's like a rock!" Leshawna commented, watching as Black Mage took another ball to the face without reacting. "What is he, made of iron?" She raised an eyebrow. "And what are you doing?"

Ashley kept adjusting the barrel of her cannon so that it was aimed lower. Once she was done, she said, "Aiming for the bull. Black Mage is tougher than he looks, but cow might not be."

Leshawna brightened. "Good call!"

Leshawna began to lower the aim of her cannon as well. While she worked, she didn't notice that Ashley was smiling. Nor did she notice the odd hand signs Ashley was making. Bridgette, a few cannons down from Ashley, saw the little witch point at Leshawna's cannon.

Leshawna fired, and the ball went rocketing towards Black Mage's bull. However, the bull simply head butted the ball once it got close enough, rather than letting it smack him. The ball sailed away, but not back towards Leshawna. Instead, it nailed Heather right in the rear, sending the already battered girl flying forward off her bull.

"Ooh," Leshawna gulped, grimacing. "That was not part of the plan."

To add insult to injury, Heather landed face-first in the ground, digging up dirt as she slid towards the finish…stopping just before reaching the line. Moments later, a bull crossed it…Black Mage's.

"First place goes to Black Mage!" Chris declared, "The Robinsons win the challenge!"

The aforementioned team cheered. Black Mage slowly slid off and fell onto the ground. Tyler rushed over and helped Black Mage up.

"You did it, dude!" Tyler whooped, "We won!"

"Oh, good," Black Mage moaned, wincing from the volume of Tyler's voice. "It makes my suffering so much better to know that it helped people I don't like…"

"Yeah! Doesn't it?" Tyler asked, missing the sarcasm.

Black Mage reached for his knife…

"Beam-Me-Up Scotties, I'll be seeing you at the teleporter for the dramatic elimination," Chris said over Tyler's pained scream. He walked over to where Heather was and helped her up. "Heather, since you're being such a good sport about your humiliating loss, I'm giving you immunity for tonight."

Heather shook the dizziness from her head, and wiped the dirt from her face. "That is a load off my mind. Now, who should I blame for the 'humiliating loss'?" She growled, glaring at her teammates. "So many choices…"

Leshawna gulped, feeling a cold bead of sweat run down her forehead. She didn't have to look to know that several people were glancing at her.

(Confessional)

"Okay, so I messed up," Leshawna admitted, "But it was an accident! Anyway, Lindsay was the one who got those cows started with her crazy talk…though, it wasn't that crazy…"

-TDP-

"Okay, I checked the ball Leshawna hit Heather with," Bridgette said, looking nervous. "And it was completely hollow, while all of the other balls were solid rubber. And Ashley was doing something weird before Leshawna's cannon fired…" Her eyes darted as if she thought someone was in the confessional with her.

-TDP-

"Even if Leshawna wasn't responsible for my crash landing, I'd vote her off anyway," Heather said firmly, "I have not forgotten Germany."

(End Confessional)

While the Robinsons whooped it up in the Delux-a-tron again, the Scotties were seated at the teleporter as the dramatic elimination ceremony took place. Several full moons were visible in the clear night sky, but that did not distract from Chris' smirking face. The sadistic host stood right in front of the entrance to the now-active teleporter, a tray full of space rocks on a stand next to him.

"Before we being the grueling distribution of space rocks, I'd like to take a moment to wait a bit longer to increase dramatic tension," Chris said. After a few seconds, he picked one rock. "Okay, since she has immunity, the first rock goes to Heather."

Chris tossed the rock to the mean girl, who was only two-thirds from total mummification. She caught the rock, but winced slightly.

"The next goes to our favorite delinquent, Duncan!" Chris said, tossing the rock. "Then there's Bridgette…

"Bender…

"Ashley…

"Dopey…

"Lindsay…

"Fighter…

"Bon Bonne…"

"Babuu."

Chris picked up the last rock and paused. His eyes drifted from Leshawna, who was looking pretty nervous, to Izzy, who had rolled her eyes into the back of her head. Then back to Leshawna. And then to Izzy again. And then to Dopey, who was still wearing his one-man band outfit.

"You. Drumroll. Now," Chris ordered. Once Dopey had reached the proper tempo, he held up the last rock and said, "…Izzy!"

Dopey smashed two cymbals as Izzy caught the rock, her eyes still rolled back.

Chris jerked a thumb towards the teleporter's center. "Leshawna, time to go."

Leshawna sighed and got up. Walking over to the teleporter, she gave her now ex-teammates one last wave. Once she was in the center of the teleporter, she vanished in a bright burst of light.

"And another Scottie bites the stardust," Chris said, "Is this the start of a disturbing trend? And how long will it last? Find out next time as we turn up the heat, on TOTAL DRAMA PLANET!"

Danger Will Robinsons

Inside the Delux-a-tron's main room, Gwen, Luigi and Earthworm Jim entered from a nearby door.

"Okay, we've tied up Black Mage and locked him in the closet," Gwen said, dusting off her hands. "How's Tyler?"

"We've removed the blade and bandaged his head," Chiyo explained, "We're checking to see if there's any brain damage."

Tyler sat on the couch, half-lying as everyone stood around him. Ratticus stood before him on a stole.

"Okay, Tyler, just relax and answer these questions, "Ratticus began, "Now, who am I?"

Tyler, a dazed and almost delirious look on his face, said, "You're Ratticus."

"And where are we?" Ratticus asked, pleased.

Still dazed, Tyler answered, "On the Total Drama Planet."

"And who are you?"

Now-completely serious, Tyler said, "I'm Batman."

"Really?"

Tyler laughed. "Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. Always wanted to say that, though."

"Oh, darn it," Ratticus grumbled. He glanced at Owen and said, "I've always wanted to meet Batman."

Owen nodded sagely. "Me, too."