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eulogy for home
part three / / bite your own teeth
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Back on Fogg, one of the first things every child learned was the difference between a Whistler and Artist's Agony.
The two were very similar looking spiders unique to the island. To the untrained eye, they might be considered the same spider: they were both made of red, blue, and purple rings, but the only difference was the order. Harmless Whistler spiders' rings went red, blue then purple, while the poisonous Artist's Agony went red, purple, and then blue. The poison was extremely painful, but not deadly, and even though everyone was taught the difference, people still got bit from time to time. It was always terrible-Bugeyes got bit once, she remembered, when he got too close trying to figure out what it was and he had screamed himself so hoarse he couldn't speak for three days.
But Gnat had taught her an easier way of knowing the difference without getting too close. A few months before she left, Gnat had pulled her aside to show her a spider web, its owner sitting smack dab in the middle.
"Yeah?" She had said, unable to see the point. "What about it?"
Gnat had used her walking stick to meticulously point out the pattern. Without using her words to describe it, Astrid had frustratingly talked herself into figuring out the shape of Gnat's choosing for ten minutes before she finally said whatever word Gnat wanted her to say.
"Triangle?"
She had nodded and took Astrid's hand to bring her closer to her. She'd watched with absolute horror as Gnat picked up the spider without studying the rings whatsoever and let it crawl all over her hand.
"What are you-!" But then Astrid had realized. She would never endanger her. "Oh," and Gnat had passed her the Whistler spider. Its fuzzy legs were somehow calming as they danced along her palm. It wasn't as scary as it was before. "You can tell from the web which is which. Whistler's have triangle webs?"
And after that, it was easier to tell. Astrid taught the trick to everyone. Fewer and fewer men chopping lumber got bit every year.
So as Astrid currently finished sketching the every detail of the butterfly wing, she dwelled on how important it was to mark every detail. Every change in color, every different shape could be the difference between life and death; well, or at least savory versus unpalatable. She was pretty sure Freckles had figured out which of the colorful butterflies didn't taste so good.
Astrid finished shading in the left butterfly wing before she turned the book around, resting its spine on top one of her knees. "Whatcha think?"
Freckles gave her maybe a half a second of her attention before her eyes went back to following the actual butterfly that Astrid had been sketching for the past few minutes. A small smile graced her lips as the butterfly flew over to the dragon and rested smack dab in the middle of her nose. The soft blue color of her wings fluttered gently like sails in a soft breeze as Freckles sat comically still, eyes crossed. Astrid had a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter as the butterfly moved to rest on a nearby weed and Freckles took to mocking the gentle flutter of the butterfly's wings wither her own: a hysterical display. But seconds later Freckles gave up on the game and pounced—she missed—pupils blowing up and her tail wagging back and forth behind her.
With a soft shake of her head, Astrid turned the book back over and looked over the sketch. There were tons of blank pages in Gnat's book of All Things Plants, and while they were stiff with water stains on the corners from the storm that blew her off her own boat eight months ago, it was still good readable and usable. At first, Astrid didn't know what to do with the pages. It was all the parchment she had and it should have probably been used sparingly. But months of silence gave way to boredom, which blossomed into a newfound curiosity once she and Freckles found the small island they were currently living on.
The island was small, too small for any real community to live on, but perfectly sized for a runaway murderer and her dragon friend. There was plenty of clean water, shade from the trees, and a ton of bugs that Astrid had never seen before. Bugs weren't a new thing to her—Fogg was covered in them, probably more so than any other island that south of the archipelago. More than once Astrid found herself lying in her meadow sanctuary only to have a beetle or a grasshopper or something that didn't even have a name crawling along her arm. So bugs weren't new to her: but the butterflies were.
Astrid had seen them a few times, but only ever around Gnat's house. She said it was because of the flowers she had, but Astrid had looked in the book and couldn't recall what they looked like. Maybe back when she first left, she would have remembered, but all the time she had spent alone had done a number on her memory. She was finding it harder and harder to remember what home was.
Of course, there were things that she still remembered vividly: the blanket of Fogg that covered the island that morning, the rough feeling of Gout's hands on her neck, the slope of his jaw as he lied on the ground, the shade of red dripping out of his nose….
Gnat's face when she said goodbye.
So, Astrid drew. When she wasn't adding bugs to accompany the collection of plants in Gnat's book, she used the back pages to sketch what she remembered. It took a few tries, but with a newfound patience she managed to capture Bugeyes in his forge, her own boat against the docks and then…Gnat. Just Gnat. Astrid drew Gnat whenever she could. She drew her how she remembered, how she imagined. She drew her straight-faced and she drew her laughing.
She drew her so she wouldn't forget.
Freckles whined and Astrid looked up from the book with a soft shake of her head. It seemed the butterfly's constant evasion was starting to get on her dragon's nerves. Glancing back down, her thumb fingered the edges of the pages and she itched to go back and work on her latest sketch of Gnat, but she willed herself to keep working on the butterfly sketch. Remembering Gnat was important, but Astrid didn't want to encroach on obsessive territory. It would only leave her heartbroken in the end.
She was focusing on the right wing, making notes on the eventual coloring she'd get around to when Freckles butted against her head with her nose. "I'm almost done," she chuckled, pushing the dragon back with one palm splayed against her snout. Freckles went cross-eyed again, and then pushed Astrid once more, this time knocking her pencil out of her hand. Determined little shit.
"You have no patience, you know that?" Astrid smiled as Freckles crouched on the ground, her but to the ground and her tail wagging incessantly. With a gentle roll of her eyes, Astrid set the notebook in her knapsack and her dragon gurgled excitedly. "Okay, fine. You win. Let's go."
The dress she wore that day was one of two that she owned; it was baggy, shapeless, and bland, yet comfortable. It slipped off easily over her head as they walked through the thickest part of the small woods toward the small waterfall. She fished through her bag and pulled out some soap she had bartered for before she folded her dress best she could and shoved it in there with her other things: the book, a few carrot sticks, spare clothes and the carving knife with Gnat's name.
Once they got to the waterfall, Freckles took the small eight foot jump straight into the water while Astrid lingered behind, sitting on the edge of the rocks in her underwear. After a few weeks of habitually putting on breast bindings every morning, Astrid realized she didn't need to be wearing them—it's not like there was any use for them here, all alone. But she found it hard to break the habit, so she kept wearing them. Clothes were harder to find at trading posts, especially things that fit her, so Astrid had been going out of her way to take extra care of the clothes that Gnat had given her before she left.
Freckles splashing was almost deafening as Astrid pulled out her dress and inspected it for any new holes or frays that needed any attention. Once she decided it wasn't in need of her shoddy attempts at sewing, she set the dress aside and went about unraveling her bindings before she slipped off her underwear and stood up, looking down at an unsuspecting dragon.
She grabbed the soap. "Geronimo!" she bellowed, jumping down and landing ungracefully in the water with a big splash. The pool underneath the fall wasn't deep, but it was deep enough—enough for Freckles to wade through it and enough for Astrid to jump in with knocking her knees against any rocks. But while she was safe from rocks, she wasn't safe from the dragon's tail which whacked her a bit as she surfaced, knocking the soap out of her hand.
"Hey!" she cried, spouting water from her mouth, aiming for one of Freckles' eyes. "Watch where you swing your stupid tail, asshole."
Astrid laughed as Freckles hit her again with said stupid tail, gently but purposefully. "Hold on." She said taking deep breath and dipping completely underneath the water. The current was slow and she managed to grab the soap before it rolled down the rocks towards the bottom of the single-hill island.
She surfaced with a gasp, shaking the water from her lashes and wiping away the stray hairs that had fallen out of her braid and plastered to her face. With her free hand, she loosened her braid and let her hair fall out, the sensation calming. She had a thought.
"Maybe I should cut it," she said aloud, drawing Freckles' attention as Astrid swam lazily to one of the rocks underneath the waterfall. The best one was covered in moss and made an excellent cushion. Her hair was heavy as she heaved herself up and suddenly, she wanted nothing more than to be free of it. There was no reason to really have it so long, not anymore. She'd learned long ago how to pick out the traders who didn't give a damn about traditions and expectations, and figured no one would bat an eye if she showed up next time with half the hair she used to.
Her eyes drifted up through the curtain of water, longing for her knife hidden in her bag. Maybe she'd cut it later, after she'd washed up.
The soap Astrid had was...okay. It did its job. She simply had to accept that she'd never be able to find the soap that Stoick had given her that one day back at the market. It had a faint smell of something….earthy, a wisp of something sweet, but it was so subtle, she was never able to tell what it was. The soap she got now did the trick, but it didn't smell nearly so pleasant.
Stoick. She thought of him, every once in a while. Eret, too. She had a few sketches of them...Stoick's beard was never as magnificent as it had been in person, and Eret's tattoo looked different every time. Her memory was fuzzy, but she would always remember their kindness.
As she washed up, somewhat lost in her thoughts, she watched Freckles splash about. The waterfall was by far her favorite part of the island and Astrid thought it strange that a dragon with wings seemed to love swimming more than flying. Gnat had mentioned offhandedly that Freckles didn't fly much—and as the months went on, she saw that it was true. For whatever reason, Freckles didn't fly much.
Rinsing the suds away underneath the waterfall, Astrid made a pact with herself that one day, she'd learn why.
Astrid made a series of clicking noises, followed by a gentle whistle. Freckles' ears shot up and her pupils widened as she quirked her head to the side. She repeated the noises before the dragon finally took the hint and swam over to meet her as she jumped off the rocks and went to wade in the shallower parts of the water where she could stand.
"That's a good girl," she cooed gently as Freckles came to splash beside her. Soap in hand, Astrid began lathering the dragon up. Sometimes it seemed unnecessary to wash a dragon, but Freckles always looked content to have her head scratched and her ears rubbed. So it couldn't hurt.
Well, not entirely. It probably wasn't good that she tried to keep eating the soap.
"Stop!" Astrid said as sternly as her budding laughter would allow. "Dumbass. If you eat the soap, you'll be hiccupping bubbles for a week."
In response, Freckles tried to lick the soap off her own back.
Astrid forfeited the lecture. The dragon wouldn't be getting any sympathy from her.
A few bubbles formed and floated into the slightly stale ale of the forest surrounding the water. Astrid watched as they went higher and higher, some weaving between the leaves on the trees before they popped, one by one. Freckles paid no mind, shaking her ears and diving back to play in the water once more and subsequently creating a splash that knocked her pendant up to smack her on the bottom of her chin.
Her pendant had instantly become her most prized possession, something she held dearer than her own axe. She wasn't sure if she could ever part with Gnat's necklace, even if her life depended on it.
But she didn't anticipate their ever being a real need to trade it, not in the foreseeable future. Being on her own was, logistically, easier than she had anticipated. She was capable of feeding herself and looking after herself just fine, but psychologically…Astrid could admit she felt the toll. At home she felt lonely, bored, and sometimes even more frightened than she did out on this island by herself but still. Astrid had taken for granted the simple satisfaction of even the most mundane conversation. The only voice she heard anymore was her own. And even if she only really spoke to Freckles, complete and utter silence was something she just couldn't get used to.
She wondered how Gnat did it for all those years.
Another splash snapped her out of her thoughts and she thought of the clothes she needed to wash. The high afternoon sun that she had lamented for hours was finally starting to shift and Astrid forced herself to wade out of the pool and climb up the back of the waterfall to the top of the cliff where her things were. Her fingers grazed her knife and she thought about her hair, briefly, but ended up pushing both that idea and the knife aside. Without much thought she tossed her clothes over the cliff and let them fall in the water, despite Freckles best attempt to catch them.
"Soap…" she said aloud, patting the mossy grass beside her. "Where'd I put the…"
From below, Freckles hiccupped.
"Dumbass dragon."
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The shelter she made was a replica of Gnats—at least as close as she could get it.
Astrid knew enough to make a basic structure. But even with Freckles help, there was no way she could lift enough logs to make something as stable as she did. In retrospect, someone had made her that hut back on Fogg. That or it used to be a healer's from generations ago.
It was small, almost the size of her bedroom back home and only had three walls with a makeshift door made from an old sailing tarp a fisherman gave her when she went to a market months back. The roof was woven sticks and covered in leaves. She and Freckles fit snug, and there was just enough room for her things to be shoved hastily in the corner. There was no need for a hearth—if she wanted to fry fish, Freckles would just start the fire.
Maybe in the end, it wasn't much like her hut at all.
But small as it was, it was still what she called home. As she and her dragon arrived back, Astrid clean in spare dry clothes and Freckles still hiccupping bubbles, she immediately went to hanging up her clean clothes on the line she had made.
"You hungry?" she asked as she wrung the bottom of the dress out to try and help it from sagging too much. The wind was minimal so she hoped her underwear was safe from being blown off into the grass.
Freckles crooned in response and seconds later she was laughing as Freckles grabbed the bottom of her tunic and tugged her towards the shore of the island.
"One moment, one moment!" she pried her shirt away and headed over to their hut to trade out her things. Her bag fell with a heavy thud and she pulled out her pencils and Gnat's book and set them aside. She glanced at her fishing net and sighed before she looked back.
"You're gonna help me, right? So I don't need this."
Freckles gave a gummy smile in return.
Abandoning the net, she grabbed her bag and stuffed it with another spare carving knife and a hook. She used to keep a lot of her things on the boat back on Fogg but in the event of a storm, she wasn't living in a village where she could simply go and get another because half her stuff fell into the sea. It was better that she kept them as far away from the salt as possible anyway.
While Freckles hurried along, Astrid lingered behind, watching as the dragon would stretch out her wings and glide to hurry herself along. She was sitting impatiently on the boat when Astrid got there. With a quick scan of the horizon to check if it was empty, she adjusted the sails and took off into a vast and endless sea.
As luck would have it, the air was just as stale out on the water as it was on land. It didn't really matter; they were only trying to get some fish and Astrid didn't want to be out for too long anyway. Best to be close to the island. Winter was settling in at an alarming rate and while she hadn't felt it, she could see it—the end of days snuck up on her sooner and sooner as the weeks went by.
There was plenty of daylight to fish by, though. Especially with Freckles' help. "Go ahead," Astrid said, her voice impossibly soft. Her mouth quirked into a slow, crooked grin as Freckles rocked the boat when she leaned out, her eyes scanning the soft waves of the ocean. Her eyes darted once, twice, three times before she spread her wings and dove in for her catch.
The first time the dragon did this, Astrid panicked: she thought Freckles was leaving her for good and she'd get tossed overboard in the process. But she returned moments later with a mouthful of still-living fish in her mouth, plopping half a dozen of them on the deck of the boat to flop around. She was stunned silent until one of the fish floundered so much it smacked her leg, and then she laughed.
Resisting the urge to spear it for of accidentally spearing her own boat, Astrid waited for the fish to get less…floppy before she grabbed one by the tail and hooked it by the mouth.
"You can have the rest," she said, and Freckles didn't hesitate to gobble them all up, one by one. Her laugh was lost in the flapping of the sail as a gust of wind passed through. Her still damp hair fluttered in the breeze and she reached behind her to braid it quickly, hoping it wouldn't get too knotted or end up smelling like fish.
As Freckles kept fishing to her heart's desire, Astrid took a seat at the back of the boat, hanging her fish up out of dragon's reach. She'd start a fire and fry it when she got back, but there was something about today that made food unappetizing. Maybe she'd just wait until morning.
The sail continued to flutter gently in the breeze, and the rocking of the boat was calming. Astrid couldn't imagine her life as someone who got seasick. There was something soothing about the open water, like a mother's embrace. At least on a cloudless day like this. Her eyes scanned the horizon and she saw clean lines, nothing but blue on blue, and it put her mind at ease.
Freckles gave another hiccup as she tried to swallow her umpteenth fish and Astrid gave her one last smile before she closed her eyes and fell asleep.
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When she woke up, she thought she was still caught in a dream.
She had to have been asleep for hours. The sky was pitch black and glittered with more stars than she had ever seen. The water was other-worldly, calm to a point she'd never known and full of bright blue creatures that made the water glow for miles. It was enchanting, something she couldn't have even dreamt up.
"Freckles," she whispered, eyes still on the water. She squinted through the algae like glow and spotted a jellyfish, alien and magnificent in its size. "Freckles, you—"
When she looked away from the splendor of it all, Freckles was gone.
Astrid was alone on her boat.
"Freckles?" she whispered before the dread set in. Her fingers gripped the side of the boat as the light from the water cast eerie shadows on her face. "Freckles!" she shouted, but it felt useless. Surely she would have felt the boat rock when the dragon jumped in the water, or she would have come up for air by now which meant…
Freckles flew away.
Her eyes immediately took to the sky.
But the whole thing was stupid. There was no way she could spot Freckles at night, especially a night like this. The dragon's scales took on a more lustrous shine at night and she'd blend in perfectly on a clear night like this. But Astrid had a feeling it was all for naught—Freckles probably flew away a long time ago.
With a deep breath that made air in her lungs feel as heavy as water, Astrid adjusted her position on the boat and laid flat against the deck to keep her eyes on the sky. The glow from the water dance in her peripherals but she kept her eyes up, trying to find the stories in the sky her people told her. Her mother used to tell them to her, back before she got sick. No one was as good a storyteller as her. Astrid's favorite was always the tale of the Great Archer who protected the world from above with his bow and arrow made of stars.
"If you look carefully enough, you can still see him fighting for us. Look, look," her mother whispered, her breath hot on her ear as she pulled Astrid close. "Do you see that?" she asked, pointing to a shooting star. "He shot another arrow."
"What's he shooting at, Mama?"
"If all is well, we'll never know."
Astrid sighed. "Where were you that day…" she confessed to the soft breeze, closing her eyes. She tried to remember her mother's face, but it was hard these days. She couldn't even remember her voice. But she always remembered what she said. And she supposed, that had to count for something.
When she opened her eyes, a shooting star shot across the sky.
Two arms raised above her, Astrid mimed drawing an arrow on a bow, closing one eye in feigned concentration before she set free the imaginary arrow with a soft swoosh that passed between chapped lips. She pretended it hit its target, a small red-looking star near the moon when not one, but half a dozen stars shot across the sky. The constellations she loved became jumbled as the stars went left to right, then up and down, dancing in all sorts of patterns that were in no way one of the Great Archer's arrows.
"….Freckles?"
Moments later, Freckles appeared back on the deck, swaying the boat and forcing Astrid to sit up and grasp the side. The dragon's pupils were blown in the dark of night, but she still saw the bright blue ring of her eyes, the same color as the creatures in the sea below. As she drew her wings in, Astrid tried to count the scales that glowed indigo from underneath her skin.
"Hey," Astrid whispered. Her throat felt too dry as the dragon shuffled over and settled her head in Astrid's lap, looking up at her with an emotion she couldn't decipher. "I thought you left."
I thought you left me.
Freckles continued to stare at her.
"It's okay, you know," she admitted, her hand finding its way atop the dragon's head, scratching her behind the ears then down underneath her chin. "You don't have to stay with me, you can leave."
Freckles cooed before she stretched out her wings and used one of them to wrap Astrid protectively like a blanket would.
"I killed someone." she whispered. The sea was empty, not a soul could hear her, but the words were so vile, she feared if she spoke too loud the wind might carry them away. "I killed someone."
Her friend nuzzled closer.
"I didn't have a choice," she said, hugging the dragon as best she could. "I thought I could pretend that it was an accident, that I didn't mean to but," she sighed. "I didn't have a choice, you know?"
But there's always a choice.
And the thought of that makes her chest feel impossibly heavy.
"Have you ever killed anyone?" she asked quietly, trying to think of anything but her own morality. Her calloused hands ran along the underside of Freckles' jaw. "Is that why you stick with me? Because you understand?"
Her toothless mouth gave her hand a lick and Astrid had a hard time believing that Freckles could have killed anyone, even if she was a dragon.
"I wish it wasn't so complicated," Astrid admitted. "I wish….we could go home. And check on Gnat. I hope she's okay."
Freckles perked up at the mention of Gnat's name.
She tore her gaze away from the dragon and looked past the glow of the water to the dark and undiscernible horizon. Sometimes the dragon's eyes were so innocent, it made Astrid feel like a sham. "If anything ever happens to me, you should go find her. If we ever get separated, go to Fogg and find Gnat. She'll take care of you. You know….if."
No. She wouldn't say it.
Because there was always a choice.
And Astrid chose to believe Gnat was okay. It was the only way she knew how to feel...sane. It was the only way she knew how to live with herself. Freckles could go home anytime.
...right?
There was no way Freckles knew what it was to take a life. Dragons killed people, she knew that, but not Freckles. Never her. "I don't want you to leave," she confessed. She'd said this before, countless times, but it had never sounded so much like a prayer. "Please...don't leave me," she begged. "You're my best friend. And I know I don't deserve you. You're…you're good, Freckles," she said confidently, the most assured she'd felt all day. Her gaze lifted to follow the light of the crescent moon. "I wish I could say the same for me."
Freckles looked up at her, the sky reflected in her eyes, and smiled.
"But I can only try," and to her surprise, she managed to smile back.
She tossed her fish back in the ocean and promised to start fresh when the sun rose.
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a/n: hello! This took a long time because I'm a goddamn fool and I broke three of my fingers on my favorite hand, plus this chapter was a lot of descriptive writing and I'm the type of writer that relies a lot on dialogue. So this was quite the challenge! I wanted this to be a lot longer because I typically like chapters to be the same length because I want everything to be neat and tidy and the same, but I didn't want to bore you and put unnecessary…..flourish, I suppose. I know this chapter is probably already super boring, but I wanted to give a daily taste of Astrid and Freckles lives and how they live day to day to showcase how close they are. The next chapter will really pick up, we'll see some more familiar faces. Please please bear with me, so many of you have left such lovely comments and I hope that this story continues to delight you! Please tell me what you think and as always thank you for your support ahead of time, your words are very dear to me!
