The next two days passed uneventfully. Kanda found himself almost settling into a routine, even in that short time period – he'd wake up in the morning and go train, and when Allen joined him they would spar. After that was breakfast and various chores (of which there weren't many), then time to meditate, read, and relax… then lunch, afternoon sparring and training, dinner, and sitting together quietly in the living room as the fire crackled in the fireplace. It was quiet and comfortable, and Kanda found himself enjoying his time there far more than he likely should have.

On the third night, the still of the darkness was broken by a cry. Kanda sat bolt upright, woken from a sound sleep, and within seconds he was in Allen's room with Mugen drawn. When he saw nothing other than Allen sitting upright in bed, his left hand pressed to his chest and breathing hard, he sheathed Mugen and sighed irritably.

"What is it?" he asked curtly. "A nightmare?"

Allen nodded slightly, looking down at his blankets. "Sorry to wake you," he said, and the tone of his voice made Kanda frown. Typically vibrant and strong, Allen's tenor was quiet, breathy, and uncertain. Whatever he'd dreamed, it had rattled him to the bone.

Kanda crossed his arms and leaned against the wall by the door. "Dreams can't hurt you," he said, his tone short. "Go back to sleep."

The boy in the bed nodded wearily and closed his eyes, but didn't lay back down. "I know they can't," he said softly, "but I don't want to see them all the same… so I'm just going to get up." He opened his eyes and looked at Kanda with a smile that set his teeth on edge. "Are you hungry? I'll start breakfast if – "

"Stop right fucking now," Kanda growled, fixing him with a glare so fierce that the younger Exorcist actually flinched back a bit. "Don't act like everything is fine if it isn't. I dealt with that all through the war when it was necessary, but now I'm not going to put up with it. All you're doing is lying to yourself, and I can't stand people who do that!"

Allen's eyes widened, then closed as he smiled wryly. "So, you'll hate me either way," he said softly, echoing words from years ago on their first mission together.

Kanda stared at him for a long moment, then snorted a bit and looked away. "I don't hate you, Walker. Get out of bed. I'll make tea and you can tell me what the hell is going on."

With that, Kanda stalked out of Allen's room and went to the kitchen, putting water on the stove to boil. Why the fuck do I care? he asked himself for what felt like the millionth time. I have things I need to be doing. I shouldn't even be here.

A few moments later, Allen joined him in the living room. He wore a long-sleeved linen tunic and soft black trousers, and he said not a word when Kanda thrust a mug of tea at him. He sat in the chair next to the couch that had become Kanda's bed, and Kanda sat on the couch. He stared at Allen for a long moment, waiting for him to speak – but when all he did was sit there with his head bowed, Kanda's patience snapped.

"Talk," he ordered. "Bottling it up and ignoring it makes it into a weakness, and you certainly don't need more of those."

That drew a reaction. Allen made a small sound – possibly a laugh, possibly not – and lifted his head. His eyes were dark, and he wore an expression Kanda hadn't seen on his face before… and what bothered him most was that he couldn't put a name to it. "Do you care about anything else, Kanda? Strengths, weaknesses… did you ever see any of the people behind them?"

Kanda's eyes narrowed. "This isn't about me."

"Of course not." A sardonic smile curved Allen's lips and he shrugged, looking back down at the mug of tea. "Do you remember when I played and sang, and restored the Ark?"

"Yes," Kanda replied, almost obediently. He sensed that Allen wouldn't continue unless he acknowledged the words.

Allen nodded slightly. "After that… I began seeing a strange shadow. When Master told me that I had the memories of the Fourteenth, the only Noah who'd stood against the Earl… he also told me that I was destined to kill someone I loved. At the time I thought he meant it could be someone random, but as the war went on I began to realize it was more than that." He paused to take a sip of the tea, then continued. "I sealed the Ark and the Fourteenth, but that doesn't stop the nightmares… it doesn't stop me from seeing someone I care about dead at my feet." He sighed quietly. "That's not all I dream about, but… that's the worst of it."

They'd spoken about this the other day. Kanda wondered if he would be able to choose his words more carefully this time, and doubted it entirely. "You're such a bleeding heart," he muttered. "You're afraid of shadows that aren't even there anymore."

"I know," Allen said softly. "I can't escape this fear that… that maybe I made a mistake, that I didn't seal everything properly, that… that as soon as I let myself love someone, the Fourteenth will overtake me and I'll kill that person before I can stop myself."

Kanda snorted. "You love everyone," he countered. "Humans, Akuma, Noah, even the damn Earl. I think that's a fairly unfounded fear."

Allen grimaced. "Don't you think it's worse if you look at it that way?" he countered. "I could very well kill everyone."

"I'd kill you myself if you tried," Kanda replied without really thinking about the implications of his words… and when Allen's head snapped up to look at him, he immediately regretted saying them.

"You would?" Allen's voice was low and tight, and his expression held an intensity that Kanda hadn't seen in him before. "You really would?"

Kanda looked at him, and for the first time he felt a bit of unease. "Yes," he snapped, using anger to cover his discomfort, "I fucking would. Do you think I'd let a Noah go on a bloody rampage and do nothing to stop it?"

Allen looked back for a long moment, then smiled slightly. "You aren't with me all the time," he pointed out, "but I appreciate the thought. You have to go on with your own life."

"And you have to go on with yours," Kanda shot back. "What about your mantra of 'keep moving forward'? You even said the last time we spoke about this that you were trying to do that, and I told you that you're standing still. You still are, and you'll never start walking again until you get over this fear of yours."

A soft snort was his only response for a few minutes, then Allen sighed softly. "I'm sure you're right," he whispered. "I've thought a lot about what you said… about whether I ran for myself or for the sake of others." He stood abruptly and went to the table near the kitchen, blowing out the candle and plunging the room into darkness. He sat down again, and it was another few moments before he spoke. "I was… afraid of what I would do. Afraid of what I couldn't stop myself from doing."

In the inky blackness, Kanda also felt more comfortable and less like he had to hide his feelings. "You?" he asked tersely. "You, or the Fourteenth?"

"If I lost, it wouldn't have been me," Allen admitted. "But… if I lost, it would have been my fault."

Kanda snorted faintly. "It's so like you to blame yourself for things that can't be helped," he muttered. "When will you ever learn that you aren't accountable for everything, moyashi?"

"It's Allen," the younger Exorcist replied almost absently, "and I don't think that's… it. It's… just like Lenalee, my friends are everything to me, Kanda. If I lost control, and if… if it was you who died because of it, for example, I…"

"Tch." Kanda put his empty mug on the table by the couch and stared into the darkness. "As if you'd ever be able to defeat me. I've already taken out one damn Noah, so what's another?"

Allen chuckled softly. "Of course you'd see it that way, wouldn't you," he said, his voice sounding a little odd.

Kanda closed his eyes. "Why wouldn't I?" he countered. "I said I'd kill you if you tried any of that bullshit, didn't I?"

"Yes… I suppose you did." The room fell into silence for a little while, and Kanda was wondering if Allen had fallen asleep again when the cursed boy spoke once again. "Kanda…" His voice was thin and whispery, and the swordsman had to strain to hear him. "Kanda, when Cross told me I'd kill someone I loved one day should the Fourteenth overtake me… do you know who I feared for the most?"

All at once, Kanda wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer. He'd already examined his own feelings about Allen when he was younger, but hadn't had the patience to do so since deciding to stick around. All Allen had managed to do was confuse the hell out of him, honestly, and he found that he just didn't know how to resolve it. "No," he finally said curtly, figuring that getting it over with quickly would be best.

He didn't realize Allen had moved until the cushions of the couch next to him buckled under his weight, didn't realize that Allen's left hand cupped his cheek with a tenderness he'd never experienced until it was too late to move. In this darkness… it was so easy to say things and admit things that had been there for years. "Do you really not know?" he whispered, so near that Kanda could almost feel the warmth of breath ghosting against his lips.

By then, he was trapped. He was certain that Allen could hear every quick beat of his heart, the way his breath hitched slightly in his throat. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he demanded, but the words lacked the strength he needed to push Allen away. In that one moment, he wasn't even sure if he wanted to… and Allen knew it. Allen leaned closer, and then Kanda really could feel soft breath against his skin.

"Do you… really… not know?" he asked again, and then his lips were pressed against Kanda's and all rational thought fled from the swordsman's mind. All he knew was the soft warmth of Allen's lips, the warmth of the hand cupping his cheek, and the arm slowly sliding around the small of his back. He made a soft sound – maybe a protest, maybe not – and Allen smiled into the kiss. "You aren't fighting," he whispered, drawing back just a bit.

Kanda stared at him, wide-eyed and struggling to come up with some sort of response. Those feelings he thought he'd crushed years ago surged back, and all he could do was tremble faintly. "Should I?" he finally managed to counter, narrowing his eyes a bit. He wasn't used to this storm of emotions… wasn't used to being in a situation that he couldn't control. It was all in Allen's hands.

Allen moved his left hand to the back of Kanda's neck, lightly rubbing the base of his skull. That practically made Kanda melt into his arms, startled at his own response but unable to control it. "Not if you don't want to," he said, and his voice held a longing ache. "If… if you want to stay like this… then you shouldn't fight back."

Kanda didn't know what to do. His iron discipline and willpower had kept him from this for years, but Allen seemed to have taken all of that and set it aside for this one moment. The sun was starting to rise, and in the soft pre-dawn light, Allen was glowing. He looked as though he was lit from within… and it showed in the soft smile on his face, the innocent wonder in his eyes. Kanda felt an unfamiliar ache in his throat, a twist in his chest that he didn't recognize.

Slowly, agonizingly slowly, Allen drew him down on the couch until they were twined together. When Kanda tensed, Allen soothed him with a gentle hand on his back, and he gradually began to unwind. Allen was warm and solid and real, and Kanda was quickly realizing that there was part of him – the human part – that craved this care, this gentle embrace. It made no sense, it was wildly illogical, but there it was… and it kept him from fleeing.

They lay together in silence as the sun rose, both breathing quietly and thinking of nothing. Allen's voice drew Kanda out of his half-doze, and he was shocked when he woke that he'd even started to fall asleep. "I was so afraid for you," he whispered. "I was afraid that you would kill the Fourteenth – and whatever was left of me – and that you'd never think of me again."

"Idiot," Kanda muttered, but there was no force at all behind the insult. He couldn't muster it up now if he'd wanted to. "What the hell makes you think something so stupid?"

"I don't know," Allen murmured, tightening his grip a little. "It was… just something I was worried about, back then. I'd planned on finding you after the battle was over, at least to say goodbye, but you were wounded and I was terrified that I was slipping. I couldn't take the risk."

Kanda snorted faintly. "Once again you underestimate me. Shut up, moyashi."

"You wanted to hear it!" the younger Exorcist protested. "Now you're telling me to shut up?"

"Yes," Kanda replied, growling a bit. "I'm telling you to shut up and quit dwelling on it, because it didn't happen then and it won't happen now."

"Bakanda," Allen muttered, then yelped a bit when the name earned him a rough pinch to his arm. Instead of retaliating, though, Allen just huffed and lay still. "You really wouldn't have forgotten me?" he finally whispered, and something in the question told Kanda that an answer was necessary.

When the answer came, it was in the same curt tone Kanda always used, but it made Allen smile that brilliant smile he had when Kanda had returned to his house. He'd hidden it then, but this time he didn't bother – and part of Kanda was satisfied. He leaned forward and kissed Allen again, surprising him – but Allen's arms were strong around him, and Kanda knew he wasn't going to let go.

A few moments later, Allen stretched lazily. "Shouldn't you be outside with Mugen?" he asked, a teasing note to his voice. Kanda grunted, and Allen chuckled. "Go on. I don't want to mess up your routine. I'll make breakfast instead."

Kanda growled when Allen tried to let go, and the cursed boy's laughter filled the room like the sunlight. Still, Kanda sat up and Allen stood and headed to the kitchen. He grabbed Mugen and fled outside without a backwards glance, suddenly needing the soothing normalcy of his morning routine. Allen had somehow known he would need it, and Kanda was fervently thankful – though the world would end abruptly before he said a word about it.

An hour or so later, Kanda went back inside feeling calm and collected. Rather than trying to figure out what the hell had just happened, he'd decided it was easiest to simply accept it and move forward instead of struggling against the current. There was one thing, though, and when they sat down at the table, Kanda looked at Allen seriously.

"I have to leave soon," he said firmly. "I can't give up my search."

"I know," Allen replied calmly, taking a bite of a buttery roll. He swallowed it and then smiled charmingly. "I want to come with you."

Kanda blinked. Of all the responses he'd expected, that wasn't one of them. "You what?" he finally asked. "What the hell makes you think I'll allow that?"

Allen's smile, though innocent, held a hint of deviousness. "You allowed this morning to happen. I should think having another capable fighter with you on your trip would make more sense."

As much as he was loathe to admit it, Allen was right. It would be a good thing to have another Exorcist with him, if only to take out the stray Akuma… and, he thought grudgingly, it would be good to have Allen with him period. "Fine," he said briskly, shrugging. "Do what you want."

"I will," Allen replied cheerfully, biting into his roll again with a cheeky grin.

Kanda resisted the urge to put his hand to his forehead. What the hell have I managed to get myself into now?

--

A/N: I apologize for the lateness of this chapter! As always, thank you so much for the reviews you've given so far. I'm so glad people are enjoying this story! Thanks again to my beta-reader, Folded, who seems to be made of limitless patience- and thanks to all my readers as well! Also, standard disclaimers do apply to this chapter as the rest.