Note: I feel like I should explain the issue of Blaise Zabini that comes up in this chapter. As I mentioned earlier, this is an old story that was originally written before the last two books came out. Before Half-Blood Prince was published, Blaise Zabini's gender was a huge mystery, so some fanfic writers depicted him as a boy and other writers depicted him as a girl. So this chapter contains a parody of that.


Chapter Three
Complicated Relationships

The next day Harry was back in his own time and body and made his way to the Great Hall, holding hands with Aurelia the entire time. Hermione was applying brightly colored lipstick to her gorgeous lips, while being watched by a mob of drooling boys, and she smiled and puffed out her chest. Suddenly Professor McGonagall grabbed her purple megaphone and announced, "Everyone, listen to me! A horrible mistake was made over five years ago because Hermione is actually a Slytherin!"

Hermione cheered and Snape sidled over to kiss her. "Hermione, my sweet!" cried Snape. "I knew we were destined to be together!"

Neville Longbottom, who had somehow become brave, intelligent, buff, fearless, and outgoing over the summer, raised his hand boldly in the air. "How the hell did you guys manage to make a mistake on what house Hermione's in?" he demanded fiercely.

McGonagall shrugged her elderly shoulders. "That kind of thing happens when we have an old geezer for a headmaster." She gestured at Dumbledore, who was snoring with his head in a bowl of chocolate pudding.

Meanwhile Hermione put away her lipstick and got up from the Gryffindor table so she could sit at the Slytherin one. Various Slytherins (mainly drooling boys) happily greeted her. "Can you believe what just happened?" Harry whispered, nudging Dean Thomas. "And look at Malfoy's face."

"I would be able to see if Hermione's chest wasn't blocking the view," Dean replied.

Draco Malfoy, as Harry had noticed, was staring avidly at Hermione with an enraptured look in his eyes. "Hermione!" he cried dramatically. "I have suddenly realized that I desperately love you!"

Snape put a protective hand on Hermione's shoulder. "Stay away, young Draco. She's mine!"

"Draco, you're not trying to abandon me, are you?" Ginny asked anxiously.

Draco stroked her newly acquired blonde hair and kissed her. "No, my dear love. But you must understand. I love Hermione too, and I must have her!"

"Over my dead body!" yelled Snape. He smacked Draco upside the head and Draco instantly passed out.

"Oh, Draco!" cried Ginny, flinging herself beside his unconscious body. "I promise you I shall never leave your side!"

Suddenly, Tom Riddle popped out of a nearby book with a puff of smoke. "Ginny," he implored dramatically. "I must let you know that I desperately love you! Why oh why did you let that nasty Harry Potter get rid of me?"

Ginny stood up and threw her arms around him. "I was unconscious, my dear most darling Tom! Otherwise I would have!"

"Then you love me even though I'm evil and have a bad hairdo?"

She kissed him. "Of course!"

"I've been wanting to tell you for years," Tom moaned in a dramatic manner. "But for the sake of a plot hole, I never did!" He gazed at Ginny adoringly. "By the way, I love the blonde look." He then took her in his arms and whisked her away.

A minute later, Draco woke up and looked wildly around him. "Where did my dearest Ginny run off to? She said that she would never leave my side."

"Oh, she ran off with Tom Riddle," said Hermione, who knew all of the castle's hottest gossip. "It appears that they had been secretly in love for years and have finally hooked up. They disappeared a few seconds ago. It's a pity you just missed them."

"What in the name of Merlin's beard?" cried Draco. "I've been ditched!"

"Duh," said Hermione.

"But I'm Draco Malfoy! Nobody ditches Draco Malfoy!" Draco's eyes shimmered with sad, lonely tears and he began to inch towards Hermione. "Hermione, my angel, you are the only one for me now! Lose that creepy teacher and be my soul-mate!"

"I've already told you a million times, I'm taken," said Hermione, cuddling up beside Snape. Snape snarled at Draco.

"Now I don't have a messed-up love life," Draco complained pathetically.

"Well that's too bad for you," said Harry. He grabbed Aurelia and kissed her. Aurelia kissed back. Soon they were in each other's arms, making out so intensely that they couldn't hear Draco's cries of anguish. Draco was so utterly depressed that he now knew exactly how Harry felt and grabbed a knife from off the Slytherin table, ready to perform some angsty self-cutting.

"No, Draco!" said a voice. "Don't commit this terrible deed!"

Draco dropped the knife and turned around. "Who said that?"

A student who resembled neither a boy nor a girl stepped forward. "Me, Blaise Zabini, your fellow Slytherin! Me, the one whose gender is a mystery!"

"Oh, yes. Blaise Zabini," said Draco, refreshing his memory. "So, what are you exactly?"

"Nobody really knows for sure, not even myself!" it replied.

"That's very, um, interesting," said Draco.

"I heard you need a messed-up love life," said Blaise. "I can help you there." It gave Draco a kiss on his shiny blonde head and gazed adoringly into his cold grey eyes. "I have at last found my soul mate! We were destined to be together, and nothing can split us apart!"

"I feel the same way," said Draco, with a contented sigh.

Blaise put its arm around Draco's neck. "Make love to me, my Slytherin prince!"

Draco shook his head. "Nah, not here in the Great Hall with all these people around. Come on, I know a great spot where Ginny and I used to go." Draco grabbed its hand and the two of them skipped happily out of the Great Hall.

Meanwhile Harry and Aurelia were still completely absorbed in their kissing spree, and Hermione and Snape had started a kissing spree of their own. Somehow everyone else in the Great Hall was either unaware of everything that was happening, or they had all left, thanks to the conveniently nonsensical plot. Sirius seemed to be the only one in the Hall who wasn't part of a kissing couple and he gazed forlornly at Harry and Aurelia. "I'm bored," he announced.

No one answered.

"I said, I'm bored," Sirius repeated.

Again, no one answered.

"I am terribly bored," Sirius said yet again.

Still no one answered.

"I think I'll go back behind that veil thing then," Sirius decided mournfully. "There's nothing for me to do here and no one will pay any attention to me." He promptly disappeared.

Three and a half hours later, Harry finally managed to take his lips off of Aurelia's and looked around the Great Hall. "Where in the name of Merlin's trousers did Sirius go? Sirius?" He spied Remus wiping tears from his eyes and went over to comfort him. "Remus, what's wrong?"

"Sirius left!" Remus bawled, letting out a huge sob. "He decided that life was boring and so he went back behind the veil!"

"No!" Harry cried tragically. He bowed his head and became absorbed in dramatic angst, until a lovely hand touched his finely shaped shoulder.

"Oh, Harry!" breathed Aurelia, fluttering her perfect eyelashes at him. "I will make you feel better!" She enclosed him in her perfect arms and put her lips onto his own. It appeared that Makeout Session Round Two had begun.

About seven hours and twelve minutes later, Harry and Aurelia broke apart, as did Snape and Hermione. Harry took in several deep breaths, since all of that kissing partially cut off his oxygen intake. But that was a risk you had to take with kissing. Just ask the dementors. Why else is their breathing so rattling and raspy?

"It's about time you guys have stopped the kissing already," said Remus. "Think of poor me, not having anybody to kiss."

"I could arrange that!" said Hermione, throwing her arms around him.

"Hermione, darling, what are you doing?" Snape snarled angrily.

"Well I was getting a little tired of you, Severus dear," Hermione replied. "Besides, Remus and I have so much more in common!"

"Hermione, get away from that lousy werewolf and go back to kissing me!" pleaded Snape. But it was too late, for Hermione was already on Remus and passionately kissing him. Snape began to sob dramatically and ripped out chunks of his hair. "Nooooo!" he cried, slumping to the ground in a faint. Harry immediately pushed him out the door.

Suddenly McGonagall appeared in an attempt to salvage the plot. "You all know that you do have to go to class, right?" she asked.

Aurelia gasped. "Oh no!" she said in her perfect melodious voice. "Now we shall all fail!" She threw herself before McGonagall, heaving her most dramatic and heart-touching sobs. McGonagall completely fell under the spell of the Sue and decided to let everybody skip class for the day.

"Hermione, did you hear that?" said Harry. "We don't have to go to classes!"

Hermione didn't hear him. She was making out with Remus with such fervor and intensity that she was not aware of anything that was going on around her, and Remus seemed just as absorbed. Harry sighed in irritation. "The new Hermione is so different! She cares nothing about class or studying, and she hasn't touched a book in weeks!"

"What's wrong with that?" said a voice.

Harry turned around. "Ron?"

Ron blushed and gave a curtsy. "Actually, it's Ronda now, since I'm actually a girl and everything." He, or she, went to Hermione and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hermione?" She ignored her. "Hermione!" Ron sighed and screamed in her ear, "HERMIONE GRANGER!"

Hermione gave a startled jump. "What? Who's there?" She turned around and saw Ron. "Oh, Ron! I have something important to tell you!"

"What is it?"

Hermione took a minute to brush out her lustrous hair and then said, "I just found something out from yet another reliable yet unrealistic source! It turns you aren't a girl after all, and we aren't related!"

Ron looked like his birthday had come early. "Really? This is the greatest day of my life! My masculinity has been restored to me!"

"Ahem!" said Remus in Hermione's direction.

"Oh!" said Hermione. "I'm so sorry, my sexy werewolf!" She leaped on him and they began kissing non-stop once more.

Ron sighed. "Kissing, kissing, kissing! That's all anybody ever seems to do here! Well, that's what happens when there's an incredibly thin plot, right Harry? Harry?"

But Harry did not answer, as he was far too busy passionately kissing Aurelia.

Ron heaved another dramatic sigh. "I hate being the sidekick."