"Why hello, Hermione." Mrs. Weasley answered the door. She purposely ignored Malfoy. "What brings you here?"
Hermione opened her mouth to speak.
"Oh, it must be to meet little Ronny-kins! Don't worry, Hermione, he'll be home in a few hours. Oh, he'll just be so happy to see his one true love waiting for him in the parlor, having captured his mortal enemy. Anyway, I'm off to fetch champagne for Mr. Woofles. Make yourself at home. Except for you." She gave Malfoy a pointed look before breezing off.
There was an awkward silence.
"So this is Weaseley's house…" Malfoy looked around. "It's about how I imagined it to be."
"More or less…I guess they've made some changes." Hermione felt a little ill.
The walls, which had been re-papered with a tacky dog bone motif, were covered with hundreds of photographs of Mr. Woofles. Mr. Woofles the pirate, Mr. Woofles the banker, Mr. Woofles with a beret and other examples of the dog wearing small clothes and stupid hats stared ominously at them as they went to sit on the couch, which was now more of a large dog bed covered in golden doodle hair. Where the pictures ended, a cascade of artwork continued. Mr. Woofles, apparently, was also a prolific artist. His style seemed to be grounded in the abstract, as framed canvas after canvas were covered in paint splotches and paw prints. Hermione nervously cast a glance at the peril clock and found that all other hands had been ripped out, replaced by only one that said "Mr. Woofles" and rested comfortably on the "pampered" marking.
"All right," Malfoy took his wand out, "let's get down to business. I personally don't have anything against animal cruelty but I know that you're sensitive about these things, dear. So if you want to close your eyes, now would be the time."
"No!" Hermione gently, yet firmly restrained him. "We should make a plan first. This dog sounds dangerous and we don't really know what we're dealing with."
"Well, what do you suggest we do?" Malfoy sat down on the dog bed-couch, rather put out.
"I think we should catch it by surprise and ambush it!" Hermione smiled.
She heard breathing over her shoulder. Fearing Ron had come home early, she turned around. Her eyes were met with impassive, cold black eyes that seemed to swallow everything up inside of them. She could see how people would lose themselves inside this dog's piercing gaze.
"It's so beautiful." She breathed.
"No Hermione! Don't be fooled!" Malfoy pulled her away. "Expelliarimus!"
The dog sprang backwards and missed the spell, arcing majestically before landing neatly on the floor.
"Why the hell did you do that? It doesn't have a weapon!" Hermione screamed.
"It's the only one they taught us in that defense class. It just came out!"
Baring its teeth and growling, Mr. Woofles backed towards the wall…and then started to back up the wall. Like a hideously cute spider it walked up the entire way, its nails clacking against its own artwork
"This wasn't in any of the books." Hermione whispered in terror. "What else do you think it can do?" She was horrified by the unknown.
"Incendio!" Malfoy reacted quickly, but the dog again did a graceful back flip and landed on the ceiling. It gave a throaty growl, cast into shadows by its own photos which were now on fire. It scampered along the ceiling, knocking the light fixtures askew, and ran down the wall and across the floor, clearly aiming for the two young lovers.
"Hermione, look out!" Malfoy pushed her out of the way as Mr. Woofles lunged for her throat.
Hermione stumbled to the side, but the dog quickly re-adjusted by springing off of Malfoy's face and leaving long bloody scratches.
"Hermione!"
"Flipendo!" Hermione finally reacted, repelling the dog.
Mr. Woofles flew backwards and slammed into the opposite wall, smashing it and sending an explosion of plaster and hunks of drywall throughout the room.
"Yeah!" Malfoy whooped for joy. "You got him - uh! …Oh."
As the cloud of dust and building materials cleared, they saw Mr. Woofles standing amidst the wreckage completely unharmed. The dog snorted dust out of its nose in an endearing sneeze and then began to stalk along the side of the room, menacingly circling the terrified duo.
"Okay let's think." Hermione gulped down her rising panic. "It's too fast for us to hit on our own. So I'll cast a spell and once it's moved to dodge it you attack while it's in midair and can't redirect itself."
"Right." Malfoy gave a quick nod of agreement, never once taking his eyes from their opponent.
"Petrificus Totalus!" Hermione shouted.
A blast of magic burst from her wand and hurtled towards Mr. Woofles, who nimbly sprang into the air to avoid it. At that exact moment Malfoy cast his own attack.
"Avada Kadavra!" A green flash of light arced across the room directly at Mr. Woofles, who was still in mid jump. Just as it looked as if they had won, the dog suddenly contorted itself grotesquely. With a sickening crunching of bones its body warped into a hideous puppy bridge that the spell passed harmlessly beneath. It collided with a fish tank that rested on the table behind them, killing all occupants. Mr. Woofles' twisted body just as suddenly reverted to its original form and the dog completed its landing with flip and playful yip.
"Holy Crap! What do we do now?" Malfoy shouted in frustration.
" I… I don't know!" Hermione stammered.
"Well what good was all that research you did?" Malfoy gestured wildly to emphasize his point. Unfortunately his palms were slick with sweat due to nervousness and fear, and his wand slipped from his grip and went sailing across the Weasley's living room.
"Fucking Weasleys!" Malfoy flipped out and blamed others for his misfortune. "Can't afford any god damn air conditioning!"
Just then Mr. Woofles yipped with delight and went chasing after the wand. It soon came trotting back towards them with the wand clenched between its teeth and its tail wagging madly.
"Uh… Good boy." Malfoy said hesitantly. The dog cocked its head to the side endearingly, all the malice gone from its eyes. "Yeah. That's right you stupid rotter. Give me the stick and we'll play fetch like chums. Maybe there's a treat in it for you, eh?" Malfoy reached his hand out in an effort to reclaim his wand.
Mr. Woofle's eyes flashed red and the wand snapped in half as it bared its razor sharp teeth. The dog lunged at Draco and viciously tore into his outstretched arm.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Malfoy screamed in agony as the monster shredded his flesh.
"It won't get off!" Malfoy yelled, ineffectively punching it in the head.
"DRACO!" Hermione rushed to his side and tried to pry its jaw off.
The dog glared at her in rage, and backed off while giving Malfoy's arm a good shake for measure. When Hermione didn't give up, it slashed at her stomach with its back legs. Her body froze in shock and she found herself unable to move and breathe. Falling over to her side, she was finally able to gulp some air down.
"Hermione!" The dog clamped down harder. "WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE EVEN BEAT A DOG! IF SHE DIES I'LL MAKE YOU INTO A WALL HANGING!"
Hermione gingerly tested her stomach and pulled her fingers back to see blood. Clenching her teeth, she tore the bottom of her ruined shirt off and tied it tightly around her abdomen to staunch the blood. Malfoy, struggling against the dog in an attempt to free himself, only made it more angry.
As his screams intensified, Hermione found it somewhat more difficult to come up with a good idea.
Its jaw is locked! I know!
"Alohamora!" She cast the spell at the dog, who didn't even bother to dodge.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? HELP ME! IT'S NOT A DOOR!" Malfoy choked out, trying to fight back his unmanly tears.
"I WAS JUST SLASHED IN THE STOMACH! SORRY FOR INCONVENIENCING YOU!" Hermione yelled back.
Malfoy, a student of magic, then remembered that he had a decidedly less magical weapon that he had forgotten about until that very moment.
"Right." He reached into his robe pocket with his left hand and pulled out his birthday knife. "Thanks, Dad." He looked gratefully at the blade and then slashed at the dog's side.
The knife left a deep gash and the dog yelped, letting go.
"Thank Merlin!" Malfoy looked at the deep and none-too-pleasant gouges left behind.
He took his tie off and wound it around his wounds. Mr. Woofles, not used to pain in his luxurious life, was extremely pissed off and wary of this new contender. If only he could have the knife! But he didn't have any hands…yet.
"What the-"
Malfoy didn't have a chance to finish his sentence, as he gaped in horror at the dog. With the same sickening twisting and popping as before, a pair of arms forced their way out of Mr. Woofle's back.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Hermione screamed in frustration and disgust. "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?"
The dog charged at Malfoy, clearly intent on snatching up the knife. Hermione recognized it was completely focused on the knife and saw her chance.
"Pretificus totalus!"
Mr. Woofles was frozen in its tracks, clearly alarmed at its miscalculation.
"NAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Malfoy screamed, and started stabbing it repeatedly.
Hermione watched, well after the fatal blow had been delivered, as he frantically continued to stab its increasingly mutilated corpse. When she finally realized he wasn't able to stop, she rushed to his side.
"Stop. It's over." She coaxingly said and gently pulled him away from their defeated future home-wrecker.
Malfoy looked around, a little less wildly, and took a couple of steadying breaths.
"Right." He panted. "Good show."
"WHAT THE HELL?"
They both turned to find Ron in the doorway. The wall of his sitting room had a huge hole in it, the glass of Mr. Woofle's 'works of art' was littered across the floor, and the furniture was torn and broken beyond recognition. The wall of the staircase was on fire and the family pet, although Ron had loathed it, was brutally slain in a way that he felt it surely hadn't deserved. To top it off, his long-time crush was in the arms of his hated enemy, and both were covered in blood. The deafening and awkward silence was broken when he dropped the groceries. Eggs spilled all over the floor. Some went spinning across the halls while others surrendered their golden treasure to the hardwood.
"Rona~ld! Don't forget to put the bacon in the cellar for the celebration we're having on the…" Mrs. Weasley stopped, if possible looking more horrified than Ron.
"Ah…Uh…You see the dog…and your house…and…." Hermione tried desperately to explain what had happened to Ron, who seemed flabbergasted, and to Mrs. Weasley, who seemed to be paralyzed.
"I think it's time to go." Malfoy gently helped her to her feet and supported her as they left the house.
Ron waved, feeling somewhat faint, and Mrs. Weasley continued to stare blankly ahead. Once they were out of sight, Ron turned to his mother.
"Mum? Are you okay?" He gave his mother a worried glance.
"Who redecorated my house like this? Why are there dog pictures everywhere? And that hideous wallpaper? And why is there s corpse on the floor and general wanton destruction?"
"Don't you remember anything about Mr. Woofles?" Ron was completely floored.
"Ronald! I told you we can't have dogs! They'll ruin the hardwood." Mrs. Weasley, trying so very hard to understand what had happened, settled on blaming Ron. "This will come out of your allowance, young man!"
"MOM!"
As Hermione and Malfoy left the Weasley abode in the distance, they felt strangely liberated. Malfoy took her hand.
"Draco! What about keeping us a secret?" Hermione looked thrilled.
"There's no point now. Weasley can't shut up, so pretty soon everyone will know." Malfoy said gruffly.
"So I was thinking, Draco, what do you think about William as a boy's name?" She gave him an imploring look.
"Rubbish! I told you: scorpions are awesome!"
Hermione sighed, knowing that she wouldn't win, but that she had at least saved her future son from one horror today. She smiled and, hand in hand, they walked off into the sunset with the rosy light reflecting off of their knives.
THE END
