The Trial

Dani Wheeler-Kaiba

I'm so happy with the response this story's getting! And thank you so much for saying that chapter 2 didn't stink. From now on I shall keep any degrading thoughts I have to myself!

Let's see…it's been way too long since I've updated, hasn't it? I have a number of excuses I could use, but I REALLY can't be bothered typing them. Hehe. Oh. I'm meant to put a disclaimer on this thing, aren't I? Why bother? Everyone knows I own squat.

Now, by extremely popular demand…the witness for this chapter iiiiiiis…you'll find out when you read it.


After the excitement has died down – much to my disappointment – everyone tries to get back into let's-hate-Bakura-mode. But you know what they say: cut off the head and the body will die. The judge was the head.

In case you're wondering, Jou won the fight against Greasy guy. Or rather, Kaiba did, when he joined in to defend his puppy's honour. How romantic.

People are muttering to each other, and the guards are looking around for the judge. Good luck finding him! I wonder if his absence means I can go home now.

No such luck. Some new person is getting into the judge's chair! A new judge! Unbelievable!

Who'd have thought a body could regrow a head?

And an ugly one at that. I try not to discriminate, but seriously, this is a very, very ugly man.

"Order in the court!" What the – holy crap! This new judge – it can't be – I think it's a WOMAN! But – but – she looks just like a man! I've never seen anything like her…she's stocky, muscly, and I swear she has a moustache. Someone must have thrown a diseased fish in her gene pool.

"Order in the court!" he – sorry, she – yells again, banging her little hammer up and down like a crazy person. "I'm in charge here now! I don't know why your other judge bailed out, but whatever you people did to him, will not work on me!"

I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. The Shadow Realm rejects no one. Not even hideous man-women.

"Now you." She points at Greasy guy. "Fill me in on what's happened so far." He does, but from an offensively biased point of view. He likes calling me evil; how could anyone think I'm evil?

Well, that's another judge who hates me.

But she seems to hate everyone else as well. She glares at Greasy guy. "I didn't ask you to sum up your entire case, you fool! I just told you to fill me in on what's happened! If you're that much of an idiot it's no wonder you haven't won this case yet!"

Ah, touchè. Take that, Grease man!

Maybe I won't send this judge to the Shadow Realm.

On second thoughts, I add her to my list.

The woman groans, and it sounds like a pig dying. "All right, let's get this show on the road then…you, idiot," She's referring to Greasy guy. "Next witness."

The lawyer looks pretty put out by the judge's affectionate nickname for him, but he obeys her anyway. "I call forth the next witness…" He squints at his notes.

"What's the bloody problem now?" the judge snaps.

"I – I…I can't read it, your honour. The name's written in another language."

Trust him to forget how to read when under pressure. Judge woman looks pissed off and makes him come towards her with his notes. From a distance I can see the words written on them – hieroglyphs, clearly. Surely anyone should be able to read it.

The judge tries, fails, then bitches about it.

"Hmph. Smartass. I don't suppose anyone here can read Arabic."

Twitch. Arabic? I resist the urge to throw something at her. Instead I say, calmly and in a very level voice, "IT'S NOT ARABIC, YOU STUPID TWIT! IF THERE'S HIEROGLYPHS, THEN WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE BESIDES PLAIN OLD EGYPTIAN?"

Well, I never said I'd say it in a quiet voice.

Judge woman turns her glare on me. "Well, well, is this little stunt some sort of joke between you and the witness? You and he write secret little coded messages in other languages as a way to communicate secretly? You two are probably buddies, partners in crime! Probably been arrested fifty times between you! Writing in Egyptian is just a stupid ploy that you two use to recognise each other, getting ready for your next crime!"

My gods, this woman is raving. And I thought people looked at me strangely.

"Er…" Greasy lawyer is very uncomfortable. "I – I call to the stand – whoever it is written here."

Who'd write their name in Egyptian? Well, it couldn't be anyone else besides Marik. Who else knows the best language ever and has a sense of humour? It was pretty funny to piss off the judge. Only Marik would think of that.

"Very well then, sir. What's your name…preferably not in Egyptian?"

I'm leaning back on my chair, staring at the ceiling. Maybe I should watch. Nah, Marik won't make me sound bad.

"Yami. Yami Mutou."

I lean too far and my chair falls backwards. SHIT! The Pharaoh's up there…crush…kill…destroy…

The judge growls, "We can't do anything until the bloody defendant gets off the ground."

I ignore her. Basic instinct tells me to stay on my fallen chair, planning to kill the Pharaoh. And strangling myself for calling his joke with the hieroglyphs funny. I called him funny! How can I go on?

"Get up, you lousy criminal!"

Is this a test? If I listen and get up, I'm agreeing that I'm a criminal? They can't fool me. I stay put.

"Thief!" an unfortunately familiar voice shouts. "If you get up, then by the time we get out of here I'll give you the Puzzle!"

…you know, all of a sudden I feel inspired to stand back up.

I narrow my eyes suspiciously at the Pharaoh. "What's the catch?"

He just smirks at me. Bastard.

The judge clears her throat. "If you two crime buddies are finished, then we can get this damn thing over within this century."

Hey, I don't know about her, but I can wait another century before continuing the trial. And what's with her calling me and the Pharaoh 'crime buddies'? We are anything but buddies.

"We are anything but buddies," the Pharaoh says drily.

What! The bastard stole my thought! Ah well, he owes me a Puzzle.

Greasy lawyer clears his throat, glancing from the judge, to the Pharaoh, to me, then back to the Pharaoh. "Mr. – Mr. Mutou (I guess after Jounouchi, he's going to be calling everyone Mister), how do you know the defendant?"

Oh, it's quite simple, sir. His father slaughtered my family. And I'm the one on trial here; politics these days…

"Well," my much-hated enemy begins, giving me the evil eye. "I guess you could say I'm one of his victims."

Yes. Yes he is.

"Ah." I look from Greasy guy to the jury, and I can practically see the hentai oozing out of them. They think that the Pharaoh calling himself my 'victim' means a victim of my alleged-but-not-proven-because-it's-completely-nonexistent paedophilia.

I'd rather sleep with Pegasus.

"I see…and how many times were you a 'victim'?" Greasy guy says victim in one of those victim-isn't-what-I-really-mean-but-I'm-not-going-to-say-what-I-mean-because-the-word-is-too-adult-for-my-naïve-mind tones. You know the tone I mean.

But apparently, the Pharaoh doesn't. "Well, once, really," he says. He's referring to the time I grabbed him on his way home and took him to Bakura's Dungeon of Torture and Fun (otherwise known as my bedroom, but nobody needs to know that), and left him there for a while as I tried to find his Puzzle. How was I supposed to know he left it with his damn mini-Pharaoh?

Wait. I hope Greasy guy doesn't ask the question I think he's about to ask…

"Mr. Mutou, could you please describe to us what happened that one time?"

Shit.

You may be wondering why I don't want that question to be asked. It's because, if taken the wrong way, the series of events could be seen as very, very kinky. Not good.

"Well." Come on, Pharaoh, don't screw this up! Do something right for once in your worthless little life! "I was walking home one evening, when all of a sudden someone grabbed me from behind. He hit me on the head and I blacked out. When I woke up, I was tied by my wrists and ankles on a bed."

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

"Then I saw him." He inclines his head in my direction. "And he said to me, 'I think you know what I want.'"

REALLY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

"I didn't say anything, so he pointed to a wall that was covered in knives and other weapons. He said, 'We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. You know what I want, so give it to me.'"

I'm dying…please…I think I'm going to die from the horror of it all…

"Then he ripped off my jacket – "

ONLY BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO FIND THE PUZZLE!

Greasy lawyer holds up a hand. He's very pale. "That's – that's enough, Mr. Mutou. I don't think we need to hear…the rest. It must be distressing for you to relive the experience."

The Pharaoh shrugs. "Not really. Bakura may not have done that to me before, but other criminals certainly have."

Silence. That must have sounded really strange to everyone else here. Even the judge is in shock.

"Er…" Greasy guy says faintly. "Well then…I think…that's all we need to know. You may stand down."

The Pharaoh walks back down to where everyone else is sitting. As he passes my seat, he tosses me a scrunched up piece of paper. I unravel it – it's a picture of me with my neck in a noose.

PEOPLE TO HUNT DOWN AND SEND TO THE SHADOW REALM

6. Jounouchi

7. The man-woman judge

8. The Pharaoh

9. The Pharaoh

10. The Pharaoh


Thumbs up to all reviewers! Tell me again who you'd like to see next!