Yay! More vicious mocking! So I feel that something that should be here, but isn't, is the whole Dillon's Impotence incident. But after some attempts, I discovered that I could not make it any funnier. Any how, enjoy, then REVIEW!

Today, On General Hospital

"How could you Sonny? And how could you make Jason lie to me?" Carly's voice shook with hurt and anger.

"I'm sorry. I had to protect my family." They both took a shot of vodka.

"And why did you now decide to tell me the truth, I'd like to know.

Sonny sat next to her on the couch and took her hand. "I realized I had to. That if we were ever going to make it, and become a real family-" they both took another shot of vodka, "-that you needed to know the truth."

She sighed. "So what do you want me to do now, Sonny?

He looked deep into her eyes. "I want to know if you can forgive me for this, and stay with me."

"Oh, God Damn It!" Carly punched him in the shoulder. He winced.

"I know, I'm sorry. I had to ask." Carly pinched the bridge of her nose, her eyes screwed shut. Sonny asked solicitously "Look, do you want something to eat first?"

She shook her head, then opened her eyes and stood up. "No, I better go do this. The sooner I figure this out, the sooner I can get back."

Sonny stood as well, "Right. Well, good luck." He gave her a brief hug.

"Thanks." She left, and Sonny began fluffing couch cushions, only to hear a repetitious thudding from the hall. He stuck his head out the door to see Carly standing there, beating her head against the wall.

"Oh, honey, I'm sure it wont be that bad. Surely it can't be worse then the time we had to figure out whether or not the stay together after I shot you in the head."

She turned, "What? Oh! No, I have to do this. The first instruction in the code is to concuss myself, so that I can see the fairies, who will tell me the exact date of Arthur's return."

"Oh, sorry." He grinned, "I should have known. Carry on." He closed the door, and decided the rhythmic thumping would serve as on excellent metronome to which he could synchronize his "Omelet dance." He hummed happily as he walked into the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Sam wrung her hands in agitation. "I don't know what you mean Jason. Of course the fact that it was my mentally disabled brother who accidentally killed our mother is the ONLY secret I've kept from you!"

"It is?" Jason raised an eyebrow. "Is it really?"

"YES!"

He just looked at her.

ÔOk, no." Her voice was petulant, but her eyes welled up. "You don't understand. I HAD to keep a secret. I had to keep the petal bloom of innocence in her life."

"I understand, just tell me the truth." Jason said earnestly.

"Danny didn't kill our mother." She took him to the corner and whispered softly to him, "Fifi did."

"No!" His heart twisted at the thought.

"Yes!" They turned and looked at Sam's parrot, sitting unaware on her perch.

(AUTHORS NOTE: In line with the principles lined out by the writers of General Hospital, people, pets and events will be changed at will to best accommodate plot points. For example, despite the fact that there was never any mention of Danny, we in fact now know that while Sam was risking her life, circling the globe to locate playing cards, hooking, standing trial, and nearly being critter fried, to name but a few things, she was secretly taking excellent care of her mentally disabled little brother. )

"She never knew." Sam shook her head sadly.

"SAY HELLO FIFI!" Fifi yelled.

"It's okay. I'll fix it." Jason gently took Fifi's cage in his hand. "I'll get her out of the country, and take her some place safe. Please, do TRY not to get into any trouble while I'm away."

"Jason, I wont have you speak to me as if I'm a child. I am an independent woman, and I don't need you too-" The door closed behind him, cutting off her tirade. Jason's phone rang, but when he checked the incoming number and realized it was Emily, he didn't pick-up. He realized she needed support, but honestly, it wasn't like she didn't know anyone else in the whole world.

Emily looked at her phone in amazement. He hadn't picked up. Jason hadn't answered. She looked around, half expecting to see flying pigs. Huh. She turned, hearing a noise, and saw Nikolas. When he saw her, he flinched, and started to depart.

"Nikolas! No, don't leave, I have to explain to you again why I did what I did!" Emily's voice was pleading, and she dropped down on her knees, hands extended, palms upwards.

"NO! I'm tired of your lies. I prefer to believe whatever notion pops into my head." Nikolas was unyielding. He turned from her and stalked towards the stairs. "Ow!"

"Nikolas? Are you okay?" Emily rose and walked to him, touching his shoulder. He flung her hand off violently.

"No, I'm not. I stubbed my toe, damn it." His jaw clenched, and he stared at her, then burst out, "And it's your fault!"

She bowed her head, tears streaming from her eyes. "I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Well you have! If you had just thought. But no, you just did whatever you want and to hell with the rest of us. If you hadn't lied to me, if you hadn't let Mary lie to me, then everything would be different. I wouldn't have had to believe I carved wooden ducks, for the love of God. If you had just told me the truth," he was yelling now, "then I wouldn't be here arguing with you, and I wouldn't have walked unthinkingly towards the stairs, and," his voice dropped, until he spoke with chilling certainty, "I wouldn't have stubbed my toe."

Emily sobbed: "It's true! It's all true!"

"It's your fault Emily. Because of you, this-little-piggy-went-to-the-market now has to take a trip to the emergency room, which means that this-little-piggy-had-steak is going to go hungry. God, I don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror!" He limped away, and Emily fell to the ground, weeping.

O O O

Jason sat at Kelly's, having just returned from taking Fifi to the island. He frowned, the entire trip had taken a bizarrely long time. In total, he must have spent a good ten minutes getting to the Caribbean and back. Maybe it was time for a faster jet.

Just then, Elizabeth appeared.

"Jason! I have to talk to you!"

"What is it? Are you okay?" He took her hand.

"No. I've been miserable. I've missed you so-"

DUM DUM DUM! WE INTERRUPT YOUR PROGRAM TO BRING YOU THE FOLLOWING NEWS BULLETIN.

"Hi, and welcome. We at ABC have just learned that despite the fact that we have news at 6:30am, 7am, 7:30am, 8am, 11:30am, 5pm, 5:30pm, 6pm, 10pm, 10:30pm, and 11pm, a disturbing new study shows that we do not have enough. In other news, the peanut. Recent polls indicate that a growing number of people have come to believe it is, in fact, not a nut. This, and more on the 6:30am, 7am, 7:30am, 8am, 11:30am, 5pm, 5:30pm, 6pm, 10pm, 10:30pm, and 11pm news. Thank you."

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARILY SCHUDULED PROGRAM, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. DUM DI DUM DUM!

"-much. It's like, I try and try, and it's never enough."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"It makes me feel worthless, Doctor. I mean, do you mind if I ask, would you kill me? Like, if you were a mob boss?"

"Of course Faith. Anyone who has gone through the trouble you have should be shown due respect. And you have to remember that. Despite Sonny and Alcazars neglect, you are a worthy kingpin. Just because OTHERS fail you, this does not make YOU a failure. Do you understand?"

"Yes, doctor. It's just so hard, because I feel like I give and I give, and nothing."

"I understand. However, I feel like we've made some real progress today, and I want to see you again next week."

"Thank you Doctor." They stood up, and the doctor patted Faiths hand, smiling sympathetically.

"You just hang in there, Faith."

O O O

"Sam, are you hiding something from me?"

"No Jason! How could you think that?"

"Sam?"

"Alright!" Her eyes welled up. "But I had too! You would never understand."

"Why can't you just trust me?"

"I do Jason, it's just, so awful."

"Just tell me, Sam."

She looked at him sorrowfully. "I have to go away for awhile," she sobbed pitifully, "the aliens are coming for me."

Jason was thunderstruck. "The aliens?"

"Yes, it's time for my next abduction." She wailed.

"It'll be okay. I'll take care of it Sam." Jason puffed out his chest, and resigned himself to concurring the universe, to help the delicate flower before him.

"Really? You would do that for me?" Her voice quavered. She added, "Not that I need you too. I can take care of myself."

He sighed. "Yes. I know."

Next Time, On General Hospital

Will Courtney Experience Perk-itial Dysfunction?

Will Lucky make more uncomfortable speeches of love? Or will he "surprisingly" reconnect with an old flame?

Where did Carly go? And what will she do?