Chapter Three: Delusions of Reality
In five years, his abhorrence of formal events never dulled. The Balamb Commander had learned to cope, either from peer or political pressure. This would rate up there as tolerable, given the nature of the gathering. Still, occasions where he had to dress-up as an overgrown penguin never topped his list of enjoyable pastimes.
He swirled the burgundy contents of his glass, wishing that the host and hostess had opted for a full bar. Somehow, the meticulous whirl of the wine fascinated him. A small eddy of alcohol formed from the goblet's movements. He sighed in frustration, realizing that if kept this up the others would notice his erratic behavior.
That was, if his conduct hadn't already been the topic among half of the cadets at the wedding reception. For five years, everything he had done had been placed under a microscope, studied, and then enlarged on a glass slide for the entire population to examine.
There had been rumors, speculations, and several unfounded accusations...but none of them knew the truth. The only ones who ever would were either no longer communicating, or dead and buried six feet under the earth.
He could never repay Rinoa for her silence, for the damage she could have caused, but she had left him with his reputation and his respect intact. It was all turned around on her, the bitter one who left in a fit of anger. And, as a final act of decency toward him, she allowed them to believe her the villain.
Even now, she was the strong one. He had gone on, he had mourned his own ignorance, but he had learned from it. That was the best he could give her now, the knowledge of his mistakes.
"Hey man, you have to try some of the roast beef. Ma specially prepared it... secret Dincht family recipe. It's the best."
"Zell, you don't eat meat anymore," the commander dryly retorted.
"I know, but I can live vicariously through you, right?"
He shook his head, "Whatever."
"It's not like I couldn't eat it if I wanted to... Alex wouldn't care. This was never her idea."
"Then why did you do it?"
"I dunno," the martial artist shrugged. "I guess there was just this part of me that wanted to prove to myself that I could. Maybe it's more for me than for her, giving up something that I used to love for something... that I love more."
Squall wanted to hide. Even Zell's reasoning on meat products and love seemed to be dragging him deeper back into a world he'd once escaped.
"Anyway Squall, just because I don't have meat doesn't mean I don't want it... or think about it all the time. It was something that was a part of who I was for a very long time. Maybe it will be a part of who I always will be. Maybe if I really thought about it, I'd learn I can't live without it... Maybe the time will come, when I'll appreciate it even more."
"We are talking about meat products, aren't we?" Squall gritted his teeth, not sure where this was going, or if he was reading double meaning into everything these days.
"Hey guys!" Selphie bounded up, wrapping her arms around the commander's neck. He didn't protest at all, reaching up and returning the embrace. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh, nothing... Zell just mentioning his desire to spend some time alone with roast beef...maybe settle down and have a leg of lamb or two."
"Squall, have you been drinking?"
"Obviously not enough." Irvine laughed at his friend. "Guess he's just nervous about the traditional speech from the best man."
He hadn't thought about that all day, although he'd already prepared one. Somehow, him giving a lecture on lifelong commitments was the definition of irony. For a brief moment, he wondered if he should paraphrase some of Zell's ramblings on love, life, and animal byproducts.
Rinoa and Quistis sat to the right of the bridal party, while the groomsmen were seated to the left. The sorceress shifted in her seat trying to untangle the chiffon bunching around her waist. She nibbled on a cracker, but she could barely swallow from the dryness within her mouth. The last thing she felt like doing now was eating. At least the food offered a slight distraction of her hands. This was just a little too close for her without the diversion of the ceremony.
Now was a time that was supposed to be carefree, to bask in the celebratory atmosphere of the reception. It became one of those moments where Rinoa didn't want to appear as if she were 'looking' at Squall. At the same time, she didn't want to appear as if she purposely wasn't 'looking' at him.
She smiled throughout each passing moment, playing the part of the perfect bridesmaid, never breaking her veneer of stability. Sipping from her goblet, she became vaguely aware she had almost emptied its entire contents – twice.
From the corner of her eye, Rinoa saw Irvine make a hand gesture to the other side of the table. Squall took the cue, standing up in preparation for the toast. Although it ripped her in two to stare directly at him, she mentally chastised herself that it was acceptable under the circumstances.
The memories came rushing back in a tyrannical flood. The best man stood fidgeting with his wine glass in nervous contained energy. He had never liked speaking in public – some variables would never change. She recalled the very first time he was forced to speak on the Garden public address system. Trembling and unsure, skeptical and confused – yet an unexplainable aura of confidence surrounded him.
Over the natural course of time, he had begun to fair better when thrust into a leadership role. The commander had even learned how to appear confident and professional – only the ones closest to him could still sense his apprehension. And for years she sat quietly on the sidelines, watching in amazement as the transformation slowly progressed.
She had never seen him look like this though - so stable, so stately, and with a restrained sensuality she couldn't deny. Damn it, she didn't want to be thinking like a lovesick teenager again. She heard the piercing sound of glass tapping, and the dissonance between the idle chatter and silence was filled.
All eyes were focused on Squall. He acted calm in the face of adversity... or at least was one of the best actors she had ever seen. She reproached herself on that thought – that to say the least was an understatement. He sure as hell had her fooled. Deep inside she truly believed he had needed her at one point, but love just wasn't enough. She looked once again into her burgundy wine trying to regain her focus – that teenage girl wasn't part of her anymore. He wasn't going to see her chasing fairy tales or needing rescued, that girl had grown up. She smiled contently as a hostess refilled her wine glass. She was blaming the effects of the alcohol on some of her reasoning.
"You would think as much as I've had to speak, one would get used to this. It never gets any easier," the commander admitted with slight unease to the guests.
He let out a rigid laugh before openly turning his expression into a smile. "At least this time, I cannot think of doing this for any better reason."
He raised his glass slightly, as his right hand moved into his jacket pocket, pulling out several white index cards. He shook his head, tossing them onto the table below. "You know, I have all these notes I planned to read... But now I realize that what these two share you can't write down on paper."
His mind raced with a thousand things he wanted to say. It was as if he was given one last chance at exoneration. Maybe Rinoa would never know how deeply he missed her, or the countless hours he stayed awake at night. But maybe this was his sole chance to say the words that were absent from his mind the day she left... and every day after.
No, this day wasn't about them, but maybe if he hadn't been such a coward, they could have worked things out. Maybe if she had known the need in his heart, she would have forgiven him. He would have spent a lifetime repenting, making it up to her any way she could have possibly fathomed.
His voice faltered at first, "I think once in a lifetime you find something so special, so amazing, that you want to hold on to that feeling forever. But, the reality is, most of us can't. We all dream of finding a way through the adversity and the heartache."
Squall paused in a realization he was letting his own emotions take over. He looked back to the bride and groom, "I've known these two since we were children, and I can think of nothing more fitting than to be celebrating this union. It might be once in a lifetime that you find that special person, but it is once in a million lifetimes to find that person and to value them always, to have what you two share. Irvine... Selphie always remember what is important, and never lose sight of what you carry within your hearts. Believe and trust in one another... never forsake your life together and never forsake the love that you share. Here's to you... today, tomorrow, and forever."
The commander raised his glass toward the newlyweds. All the guests followed suit, softly speaking their congratulations. The bride and groom smiled and kissed to the applause of the audience.
Today, tomorrow, and forever... the words bleed deeply into her heart. His voice still echoed in her ears. As everyone was taking a seat, Rinoa could not help but look over at him. Part of her honestly believed some of those words were meant for her... or maybe that was the wine taking hold of her faculties.
This time there was no mistaking he was looking at her. In that moment, they stared at one another with more than a passing curiosity. Her body suddenly felt as it were on fire and all she could do was breathe. Even that task proved to be more difficult than she anticipated.
There was no smile, no pretense, just looking at each other through both time and space. Did he really think that a few words would make it all go away? If he so desperately sought her forgiveness, why wait until they were in a room full of people?
It was as if her vision tunneled and all she could see was him. God she wanted to stop, she felt weak against his presence yet again. He moved slightly in his chair, waving a single hand in the air. Rinoa sat still, curious at what he was doing, finding herself tilting her head slightly to one side.
It was then she heard a feminine voice behind her, almost sounding as if acknowledging the commander's gesture. Rinoa felt that horrible sinking feeling. Well, more accurately like falling off a cliff and hurling toward the ground at unspeakable velocity.
In her peripheral vision, Rinoa watched a figure move around the tables. As Squall sat motionless, she watched the 'blur' move behind him.
Two dark-blue limbs encircled his neck, and she felt like a complete and utter fool. How many times did that make today? She wasn't even going to venture a guess, for reality was way too painful.
"Hey you, great speech."
Rinoa could hear the woman's voice from across the tables. It wasn't high-pitched, it wasn't shrill, it just seemed to cut deeper than she could've imagined.
Squall seemed distracted as he glanced up at the person standing behind him. Rinoa made no more excuses, as she took a sip, rather, the rest of the contents from her glass. She felt a hand on her shoulder and looked over to see Quistis smiling. The instructor wore a look of sympathy, mixed with a slight hint of guilt.
The sorceress laughed aloud, making light of the whole situation. She smiled vibrantly, acting as if it didn't matter in the least, finding some humor in the situation. "It's fine Quistis. I've been away for two years... life goes on."
"Life goes on?" She bit her lip nervously, realizing she was now spouting cheesy clichés. "Shoot me now... just get this damn day over with." Somehow she knew Quistis could see right through her transparent appearance. Yet her friend was understanding enough to let the matter drop quickly, changing the subject.
If there was one thing you could say about Squall Leonhart, it was his uncanny ability to ruin his life more than he ever thought possible. Timing and luck were two things that had eluded him his entire life, today not being any exception. The one moment where he finally looked at Rinoa freely was marred by his 'friend's' arrival. He moved a hand up to his neck, placing it over the ones wrapped around him.
"What are you doing here?"
"I got the second quarter's budget revised in record time, so I figured you could use the company."
"Sure," his voice barely stammered. He felt as if the only opening he may ever have was slammed shut with brute force. He wasn't looking for miracles, he wasn't looking for affirmation, but somehow he just wanted a conversation that he knew would never come.
It really was too late. It was painfully obvious that some things were better left to memory.
The party was still going strong well into the night. A few of the traditional events had already taken place, culminating with the tossing of the bride's garter and bouquet.
Rinoa had purposely avoided that like the plague; somehow catching the bouquet would be a cruel slap in the face. The only comfort she had was that Squall's 'female companion' didn't catch it either – again, not as if she should care.
For the past hour, she was able to hang around Quistis, which kept her restlessness to a minimum. Once the dancing was in full swing, the instructor begrudgingly accepted an offer, much to Quistis' dismay of leaving her friend alone. Rinoa had convinced her to have fun tonight, already feeling guilty enough for monopolizing so much of the blonde's time.
Rinoa stood against a back wall, watching as the world seemed to pass her by. At most political functions she mingled among the crowd, lobbying on behalf of Timber. In that environment she felt at home. In her office working to all hours of the night, she felt at home. Strangely, the one place she used to feel at home was now the place she felt most uncomfortable.
She tried to ignore some of the looks by a few people, but they were students she had never met. They had either known of her through rumors and gossip, and in all honesty, they knew nothing. She mentally scolded herself for not accepting Zone's offer to accompany her. He had been with her all these years, and through the revelry and the adversity, he'd become the brother she had never had.
Over the last two years, her recognition precipitated her in a whirlwind career. It was with her influence Timber had finally reached its final stages of liberation. The actual Galbadian occupation had ended way before then, but building the foundation for a stable government was going to take years.
Rinoa had started out working as an assistant, but soon found herself thrust into the position of an ambassador. It was with her connections, and her father's connections, that she had been able to succeed.
In the last years, she had immersed herself completely into her work. For those who knew her from before, it was a strange transformation, yet one made out of necessity – for her sanity at the very least. It was easier to spend countless hours at the office than go home to an empty townhouse, Angelo stayed in the office with her most of the time.
But here she was today. Alone. Standing against a wall watching countless SeeD couples dance in front of her. Too wrapped up in her work to have much of a social life. Then again, her work was her life.
Every so often, she would see Squall...walking and talking, mingling with different groups. He hadn't been out on the dance floor yet, and part of her felt grateful for that. It's one thing to know he was there with someone, it was another to watch them dancing as a couple.
She sighed, thinking she should make her way back over to the bridal party's table. Zell and a brunette woman were seated back, and she really did want to meet the martial artist's girlfriend. The man had given up hotdogs for her, which at one time might have been conceived as a sign of the apocalypse. Rinoa would expect no less for her friend; Zell was a wonderful person with a wonderful heart to match.
She really did miss being a part of their life, but now wasn't the time to ponder the 'what could have been' aspect of the night. Rinoa took a step forward, simultaneously feeling someone colliding with her back. The force almost made her fall, but luckily she regained her stability... which on heels isn't always the easiest thing to do.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry." A voice apologized, sounding slightly embarrassed. "I'm just such a horrid dancer. I don't even know why I'm trying."
"It's all right. Everyone has to learn sometime." Rinoa said with understanding. She remembered dancing with Squall that first night, and bumping into Nida and his girlfriend. It was only fitting that someone would run into her.
Rinoa turned around, softly chucking at the irony – although the irony in the situation had only just begun. There stood the female SeeD from earlier, the one who had wrapped her arms around Squall. Thankfully she was dancing with another partner, which saved some awkwardness. Maybe Rinoa had jumped to conclusions earlier, although it seemed pretty obvious.
"Damn it, why do I care?"
The young woman looked back to her dance partner. "Go ahead, I'll catch you later." She turned back to Rinoa smiling, "Brothers, what can you do? You spend your entire life fighting with them, and then you miss them like hell when they're gone."
Rinoa forced a smile, and her earlier theory was just blown. Which brought her back to a reality she was having a hard time accepting.
"You're Rinoa, aren't you?"
"Yeah, like you don't know that you bit —" she held her tongue. Seriously, this girl had done nothing wrong, beside accidentally bump into her...and then sincerely apologize. The fact she was with Squall should play no factor into it. Rinoa was the one who for all intents and purposes of Garden, walked away from him; she was the one who dove headfirst into a new life. She just wished that the effects of the alcohol hadn't already worn off.
"Yes, I am."
The SeeD held out her hand in an offer to shake. Rinoa didn't hesitate to accept, although she mentally wondered if she could use a 'take-down' move on her. She was pretty confident she could take her... and fairly confident that Irvine and his friends wouldn't mind in the least.
"I've heard so much about you. I'm Lauren Rachels, I transferred to Balamb after you'd left. Just glad to finally put a face with the name. You don't know how often people say we look alike."
Yeah, that thought was slightly disturbing. Hell, that thought was extremely disturbing.
"Ummm..." Rinoa finally managed to mumble dumfounded. Although, truth be told, the only similarity she could find was their hair color.
The young SeeD shook her head laughing. "Don't worry, I don't see it either."
"That's really good." Rinoa countered a little too quickly. "Um...not that...I...thought..." stammered Rinoa trying to defend any thought she could at the moment. She hadn't been at loss for words in, well, a very long time.
Rinoa saw a small group of people standing towards the entranceway. Honestly, she had no idea who they were...but they did look semi familiar from this distance. Smiling politely, she put up her hand excusing herself. If ever she needed a quick escape, this was it. "I'm sorry, I've been looking for someone all evening."
