Hello! Sorry I took so long to update, Christmas sort of got in the way! Anyway, had a little time before the relatives arrive so I thought I'd update. This part is from Alex's POV. It's very long!
Please review!
Merry Christmas x
I stare around at the laughter, the sounds of the pub slipping around me, drowning me in its happiness and me, drowning my sorrows in red wine. Memories falling through my mind. His face branded on the back of eyes. I can't forget.
"You alright lady?"
"Not particularly Nelson." I try to smile at him but tears spill over instead.
"You aren't happy." It wasn't a question, it was statement.
"No."
"You need your friends."
"Yes, but not just them. The people I love, Molly and... and..."
"And Gene." Nelson finishes.
"Yes. And Gene." I admit.
Nelson smiles. "I can't fix everythin' I'm afraid Alex but I can help a little. Well, they can."
And suddenly I am surrounded by people, Shaz giving me a hug, Ray reaching out a giving my hand a quick squeeze, Sam kissing me lightly on the cheek, Annie smiling sadly at me, Chris unsure what to do with himself just stands there awkwardly.
"Cheer up Ma'am. It's supposed heaven." Ray joked, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.
"I know it's just..."
"We know Alex." Sam reassures me, a half smile fixed on his handsome face. Handsome, but so not my type. "I think maybe, it's time for you to go to sleep." He stands up and offers me his hand. I glance at Annie. She gives me a slight nod; so confidant in their love for each other, or maybe in my unattractiveness. This thought makes me smile a little and I let Sam lead me up into my room. All the time, memories keep pouring in. He's so deeply embedded into my soul that even simple things remind me of him. "Your room my lady." Sam opens the door for me.
"It's empty." I point out critically, although still only a ghost of my old self. And it is empty, a blank room with plaster coloured walls and nondescript wooden floors.
"Well how do you want it to look?"
I pause, thinking and as different ideas flicker through my head the room changes. I finally decide on my flat in Gene's world but with a few mod cons; blu-ray, 42" flat screen TV and all the films I could possible want and all my tapes on records (ok so maybe that isn't modern but I couldn't resist).
"Is that a good idea, I mean...?" Sam gestures at it. The word Gene hangs unspoken in the air.
"Maybe not, but humour me for a while, it has more good memories that bad that old place, besides you have to admit. It was a pretty awesome flat."
Sam laughs at that and is about to leave when I stop him. "When you woke up again, what made you jump of that roof Sam?"
"Loneliness." He replied simply, and then he laughed.
"What?" I push. I need to know, I always have done. I need to know what made him want to go back there.
"It wasn't just loneliness."
"What was it then?"
"I wanted to feel alive. Ironic, isn't? Committing suicide just to feel alive and I did. I always felt more alive there than I ever did in the 'real' world." He made little quotation marks with his fingers. "And that moment I jumped, I have never felt that kind of exhilaration. I've never been happier, or more alive than the moment I committed suicide."
I smile gently at him. Envy searing my heart. He is happy here, happier than perhaps I will ever be. No perhaps about it, he is happier than I could ever be. Once upon time I was that happy; running down a hill holding my little girl's hand, running down towards Evan who was holding our picnic basket. Our strange little family. Happiness. Long since gone. Then, briefly, unbidden another thought comes into my head, one of many nights at Luigi's sitting across from Gene in our little corner, watching Chris winding up Luigi, Ray winding up Chris and Shaz laughing at the pair of them. Little piece of heaven. Long since gone as well.
"Good night Alex. Keep smiling." He turns and leaves.
"Easier said than done." I mutter closing my door and leaning against, my eyes closed, tears still forcing their ways' out and down my cheeks.
I open my eyes and see Gene on the sofa. Then I blink and he is gone but now Molly runs towards me, arms outspread. I blink again and they are both gone, and I am alone in a cold empty flat.
I go to the sofa and curl up on it, tear spilling down my cheeks and darkening the zebra print fabric.
The days pass and my friends worry but I can't pull myself out of my pit. I miss Molly and I miss Gene. The ache of missing Molly is sharper than it ever was in Gene's world; he used to dull it with laughter and flirting and wine and teasing. Now he isn't here there is another pain to add to my torture. I would take being shot again any day; this pain it never dulls.
One day I am sitting in the bar, a tumbler with whisky in it sits in front of me; untouched. I can hear them talking about me.
"I'm worried about Alex." Sam mutters.
"She's depressed." Annie replies. I like Annie; I like all of them, I long to be friends with them all but I'm trapped by longing for another face to join that group, a tall man with piercing blue grey eyes and a blonde hair, a man who inexplicably has wormed his way into my soul and won't leave.
"She's supposed to be in heaven." Ray sighs; I give a little half laugh. Ray is the only one who ever comes close to piercing my little bubble. His bluntness reminds me so much of Gene.
"RAY!" Shaz shouts angrily, I grin again.
"She needs help." Sam carries on as if no one had talked in between his last sentence
"She's unhappy." Oh Chris, such naivety.
"It's the Gov; she misses him, even if she won't admit it. Something happened the night before we left, I'm telling you. They loved each other; anyone with a pair of eyes could see it, although they'd never admit it." Shaz says. She always had such clear vision. Saw everything. Gov should have given her a promotion so much sooner. But before I can move onto to actually dwelling on what she said my mind blocks the subject.
"I never saw it." Chris objects.
"Well you wouldn't." Sam murmurs. His comment breaks through my barriers and a half smile tugs at my lips.
"Did you see it Ray?" Chris half begs, wanting his mate to back him up.
Ray remains in uncomfortable silence.
"Ray?" Chris persists.
"I just thought he liked how she looked; I didn't think it went any deeper but... Shaz is right Chris. When I went to the restaurant the Gov told me to go away, said Alex had something for him, and he thought it would be a lot more interesting than what I had. I didn't think about it at the time but he looked like he could punch me when I showed him the dynamite and he disappeared from Luigi's when we got there but his car was still there when we left. Then they were so mad the next morning. I don't about love but something happened." I am amazed at Ray, he never normally says so much at once. I can tell by his tone at the word love that he can't bear to think of his Gov, his mate to be in love. I smile again.
Chris remains silent.
"Oh come on Chris, even you could have seen how much they flirted! And she was always teasing him, and they always drank together in the evenings!" Ray explodes.
"I suppose." Chris mutters. I stand up abruptly. Crying in public is still not something I enjoy. I hurry up towards my room and collapse on my bed when I get there, stuffing my face against my pillows to muffle my sobs.
Later that evening, I am, once again (oh I adore torturing myself) downstairs in the bar, separate from the others who are sitting at a table, cards have been dealt but aren't being played. Suddenly Sam stands up and slams his hands down on the table. I look up briefly but my view is blocked by and elderly man and a younger man. I look back down to my drink. About ten minutes later I realise there is no productiveness in me sitting here and I stand up, intending to leave quietly but Ray's voice slips out towards me.
""Don't tell me you are gonna start coming out with that psycho bollocks too Sam?" Ray moans.
"It's psychology Ray and as far as I know DI Tyler is not a trained police psychoanalyser, no. I'm off to bed. See you lot later." I say as I arrive behind Annie's chair, something making me feel more cheerful than I have done since I arrived. I glance at the two strangers and the younger one smiles at me briefly but for some reason my eyes slide away again almost immediately.
"How long have you been there?" Sam asks, sounding worried. He sounds like a parent worrying their child has heard them say a bad word, or perhaps overheard him discussing their Christmas present.
"Only long enough to hear Ray complain at you. I'm going to bed." I reassure him as I leave and go up the stairs, grabbing a blanket and curling up on my sofa to watch a film, feeling my most cheerful in ages. I can't understand why, but my mind keeps returning to that strange pairing, the elderly man and the young man whose smile made the room seem brighter, I can't remember the details of them, my eyes were almost forced away from them when I looked, like a perception filter in Doctor Who. Molly loved that show, and I didn't mind watching it with her. I have always had a bit of a thing for David Tennant. I grin again.
Later that night I wake up from a nightmare. My good feeling has evaporated into the night. I hear a knock on the door. Dragging my fingers through my messy hair and straightening my crumpled shirt I go to the door, vividly reminded of the many times Gene crashed unceremoniously through that door and into my flat, so similar in the way I crashed into his life. But it isn't Gene who stands at the door; it is Sam looking tired and weary. I welcome him in. We sit on the sofa, talking for a while and I realise that Sam is suffering too, he misses his best friend.
"You really did love him, didn't you?" Sam smiles sadly at me.
"Seems strange doesn't it? That misogynistic, alcoholic, not that I'm one to talk," I admit quickly "smoking, over the hill man. Why did I love him? He was so different from every man I had ever met, he flirted unashamedly, he could make me smile, he shouted when he was mad, he gave me wine, he talked to me, he carried me to my bed when I was too pissed to walk, he saved me so many times. He misogynistic, prejudiced, borderline alcoholic, violent and foul mouthed. But yes, I did love him." I sigh, staring down at my hands. I miss him so much it hurts.
"I am so sorry Alex." Sam apologises and I hear the pain in his voice too.
"Me too Sam, me too." I reply. We are quiet for a moment, lost in our thoughts
"It seems strange, while I was in his world I longed for Molly, while I was in the real world I longed for him. Now I'm here and I long for both of them. Strange kind of heaven." I tilt my head back, wondering if the tears that prick at my eyes might slide back down my throat and wash away the lump that sticks there day and night.
"Alex, can you come downstairs with me? There's someone who wants to meet you, two people actually." Sam asks me suddenly.
"Who?" I ask, interested, wondering if it's that strange pairing I was thinking about earlier.
"The manager of the pub and his son, they were..." Sam pauses as though he's uncertain how to phrase it. "drinking with us earlier. They wanted to meet you."
"Good, I want to meet them too, can I tidy myself up a bit." I gesture at myself "I'm not looking at my best."
"You look fine to me, but yeah." Sam blushes slightly when I raise my eyebrows at his comment. I smirk and go into my room. Five minutes later I come out with my makeup and hair redone and my favourite blue off-the-shoulder top, skin tight jeans, boots and a white leather jacket.
"Ready." I smile at Sam.
"Did you wear that back there?" Sam jerks his hand towards the window, indicating the other world.
"Quite often." I reply, glancing down at my outfit. "Why? Is there something wrong?"
"No... I bet the Gov loved seeing you in that."
"He sure did." I grin flirtatiously at Sam and walk out the door, swinging my hips. Sam laughed, shutting the door behind me.
