Dear You,
I'm still trying to understand what words mean. Just in general I guess. Some words are strange, you know? Like they have a different meaning to everyone. Always is a funny one. I mean, sometimes it actually means "forever", but sometimes it means "always, until I decide that I don't want to do that anymore and yeah."
Which one are you?
Sincerely,
Me.
I couldn't exactly see the last few words of the letter because I sneezed all over the paper in front of me and my snot smeared the pen a bit.
"Maybe you should stick to typing." A voice from the doorway said.
I quickly shoved the letter into the empty drawer of my desk and turned to look at my visitor. It was Louis of course. What else was I expecting?
"You feeling alright, mate? You look a bit-"
"Oh no, don't you dare start on that. I am fine. Just a little tired is all." I objected quickly. I always refuse to be sick. I don't have time for it in my life, so I ignore it. Unfortunately, I ended my defense with a series of rather foul sounding coughs that countered my statement.
"Harry, don't lie to yourself. You are sick and you know it. Maybe you should just-"
"Louis…stop. I am fine, honest."
He gave a rather condescending laugh and rolled his eyes at my statement.
He smirked a bit before digressing. "Alright…If you are fine, would you mind helping me with some of the furniture in the living room? I want to change some things around."
"Sure. Be right there." I said. He turned around and laughed under his breath as he walked out of the room. I stood up and began to follow him out when I became completely overwhelmed with dizziness and my stomach flipped over itself. I had to steady myself on the corner of the desk. I ended up knocking off a few books from the edge.
"Everything alright in there?" He called out.
I gulped down a stabilizing breath. "Just fine." I called back and headed for the living room. I wasn't going to let him win this. I'm not even that sick, I told myself.
"So, what do you want to change?" I asked as I leaned on the island in the kitchen. As casual as I looked, this thing was supporting my weight and keeping me standing upright.
"I want to spin the small sofa around to the other side, but I can't do it. Bad back, you know? Can you switch it for me?" A faint smile was present on his face, but I ignored it and headed for the couch.
I spun it to face the nearest wall. "How's that?" I asked.
He stared at it for a bit with pursed lips and his arms folded across his chest. "Mmmm, no. Let's try that wall." He pointed to the wall across the room and I spun the chair to face that direction instead. My stomach lurched over itself as I moved around in a circle.
"Here?" I asked, a little weaker than before. Come on, Harry. Just get this situated and you can go back to your room. Just make it through this.
"No, no, no. That isn't right either." Louis said, shaking a hand at the chair placement. "Can you put it back the way it was before?"
I gulped down my queasiness and spun the chair back around to its original position. That final spin did it. My stomach quickly made its way up to my throat. I made a mad dash to the bathroom and tried to prevent myself from being sick any of the other rooms in the house.
I felt awful. I felt like my insides decided to make an appearance in the restroom and couldn't stop coming. After about ten minutes or so, I collapsed against the bathroom wall and rested my head on my knees. I was pretty sure if I stood up, my body would just collapse into a pile on the floor because all of my insides had just been purged out in the most unpleasant of ways.
"You okay?" Louis' soft voice asked through the door.
"What do you think?" My feeble voice responded.
"Can you unlock the door? I'll take you to your bed so you can lie down. You need some rest." He said.
If I hated one thing more than being sick, it was being catered to. I hated the idea of someone having to do everything for me because I couldn't. I unlocked the door anyways because I didn't feel like fighting back.
"Come on. To bed with you." He picked me up and carried me off to my room. My body was slumped against his and my feet half dragged, half walked themselves next to him.
"You aren't going to take care of me, Lou. I'm fine, really." I offered, but to no avail.
"If you are fine, why are you being carried all the way to your room?" He asked with a slight laugh in his voice.
After a few moments of consideration, I finally worked out a logical response.
"Because I'm sick." I said matter-of-factly.
"At last, the truth comes out! One of life's greatest mysteries has been solved!" He announced to no one in particular. "Ladies and gentlemen, the invincible Harry Edward Styles has succumbed to being sick! What has the world come to?!"
"Oh, shut up, and make me feel better and less like rubbish? And maybe talk a bit lower while you are at it?" His voice was echoing through my ears and all I wanted was a warm bed to roll up in and forget the fact that I am asking for help.
"Anything for the ill princess of the flat," he said as he helped me into my bed. "I'll be right back with some tablets and soup. Chicken stock with pasta and no celery, right?"
I couldn't help but smile at the fact that he was going out of his way to make me soup. If I didn't feel like absolute death, I would probably be over the moon at the attention Louis was giving me right now, and the fact that I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty for this. After all, he was the one initiating all this.
"Right. Thank you."
He smiled and gave a slight nod before walking out into the kitchen and retrieving the items he needed and got to cooking.
I reached over to my dresser and grabbed a notepad and pen to jot down a quick letter in-between the waves of nausea that were still hitting me post-"The Great Purge."
Dear You,
I'm going to hold onto this moment because as awful as I feel right now, I still have this elation coursing through me because you care. I know you always have cared, but this is a different side of you. Would you do this even if all the past circumstances hadn't ever happened?
Probably. You are just that amazing of a person. You have a perfect, self-less heart, and here I am, taking advantage of all this by letting you cater to me while I am sick.
This letter didn't go the way I was expecting it to. I think I'll stop it now.
Me.
I tore the letter off the pad and folded it up and stuffed it deep into my pocket. I won't dare take it over to the drawer containing the rest of the letters right now. I probably wouldn't make it that far anyways without spilling my guts all over the center of my room.
"I bring goodies!" Louis says as he walks into my room with a small tray containing soup, saltines, a glass of water and some flu tablets. "Take the tablets first and then eat your soup." He instructs.
I don't even bother to object, so I just follow what he says.
After I eat through about half of the bowl of soup, I start to feel the side effects of the medicine set in.
"What's this medicine going to do anyhow?" I asked as my eyelids begin to feel much heavier than I remember them being.
"It'll take care of those sniffles you have going on as well as your cough. The nausea will be suppressed a bit, but you might still feel it a little. There is also some slight drowsiness as a side effect, so don't fight against it. It'll do you some good anyways. You need it." With that, Louis removed the tray from my lap and coaxed me to lie back down on the bed.
"Don't let me sleep too long, or else I'll be up all night long, and I don't want to do that." I urged, but he shushed me anyways.
"I'll be in around dinner to check on you, alright? That's a few hours of sleep that you could use." He shut the blinds and headed for the door.
"Need anything else?" He asked before leaving.
"To stop being sick." I deadpanned as my eyes slid shut. I stopped fighting the sleep and let the darkness pull me into its clutches.
I shut the door and headed into the kitchen to put away the rest of the soup for later. I stopped for a moment and smiled to myself as I heard the soft echo of Harry's snores reverberate through the house. I'm really glad he loosened up to let me take care of him.
I've always felt especially close to him since we were formed as a band. Leaving my sisters was so hard. I was always the one who was taking care of them while my mum was at work. I guess I felt like I was suffering from that 'Empty Nest' syndrome because I didn't have anyone to care for while I was one the show.
Harry changed that though. He let me take care of him. I care about him so much and I credit that to our times spent together during the live shows. Even though he was sixteen, he was so young. He grew up way to fast and now he's stuck in this adult life where he doesn't belong. I see it all the time and it breaks my heart.
I busied myself with some cleaning around the house. I wouldn't normally do this…correction, I would NEVER do this, but since Harry is under the weather, I think it would probably be best. I don't want the house to be another thing he is worried about.
I wish I knew what was really troubling him. I can see it in his face all the time that something is on his mind. He's always thinking about something. It makes him very precautious as to what he does. It's like he has to check with someone else before he does anything. It's obvious that he feels like something is weighing down on him.
My thoughts were interrupted by some stirring and groans from Harry's bedroom and I headed over to peek in.
"Harry?" I called quietly into the room, but no response. I decided to walk over to his bed to see if he was still asleep.
His face looked so worn and tired. Not what an eighteen year old boy should look like. Whatever was plaguing his thoughts during daylight was definitely invading his dreams as well. He had a slight frown on his face and his eyebrows were furrowed slightly. His forehead was glisteningly damp, causing his curls to matt down a bit. I reached out to brush them away but retracted as I remembered how odd Harry has been reacting to my touch.
After a few moments of awkwardly looking down at Harry in his sleep, I decided I should head out of the room and take a nap until dinner.
"Loouuuuu…" Harry called out softly as I reached the door.
"Yes, love?"
"Come here." His voice was low and rough and filled with sleep mixed with his sore throat.
"Do you need some more soup or something? Are you too hot? I could turn on the fan or something…" He had a much washed out look on his face and wasn't offering any emotion or incite as to what he wanted.
After some silence and deliberation on his part, he let out a sigh and replied in between coughs, "I would just like a cuddle."
"How about I get you some lozenges for you cough instead." I offered up.
"Lou. Do you want me to get better?" His words were slurred together slightly and I wasn't sure how to respond. I couldn't help but think of how he reacted a few nights ago when we were watching the movie. "Pweese Boo-bear? It'll get me well right quick."
I just laughed and nodded in compliance.
He quickly-to the best of his ability anyways- pulled the blanket off the left side of the bed to make room for me to join him. I propped myself up against the headboard and allowed him to lean his head against the right side of my ribcage.
He fumbled around a bit until he nuzzled himself into the entire right side of my body. "Comfy." He said with partially closed eyes and a small smirk on his face once he finally settled in.
We sat there in that silence for a few minutes. Harry's hand was idly resting on the section of skin between my hip and my knee cap. Probably the wrong day to wear shorts I thought to myself. I could feel his hand as if it were a fifty pound weight resting there. The entire spot of my leg was covered in goose bumps and any time his hand stirred or he decided to trace a small pattern there, chills went up my spine. The entire situation was making me feel uncomfortable and pleasantly relaxed all at the same time.
I finally broke through the obvious one-sided tension and proposed a question. "Harry, is everything alright?"
"Whydya ask?" He slurred out.
"Well, you've been acting rather strange lately and I think something is going on that you aren't telling me. I mean, if it were two days ago, the thought of you asking for a cuddle with the state you've been in would be enough to get a good laugh out of both of us." I wanted to just keep going but his green eyes looked up at me and made me finish there.
"I dunno. Can we just lay here annot do anything else?" His face looked so drastically young compared to how it has looked lately, even compared to when he was asleep twenty minutes before. Right now, he looked like a child who has been dragged around from place to place all day and is asking to finally go home and rest. All my questions dissipated from my mind except for one last one.
"This is all from the medicine, isn't it?"
"Probably." That was as honest as it would get today. That was also the only answer I needed for today, because in reality, it answered so many more.
There is still something wrong with him; troubling him. This open façade he has right now will soon disappear and fade away along with the effects of his tablets. Soon enough he will be well again and back to his closed-off self. For now, I'm okay with this, because I think I know. I think I finally know what it is about Harry that is making him like this. I know.
I decided to settle in and enjoy what little time I had left with this image of Harry that I hadn't seen in so many months.
I fell asleep under the soft touch of Louis stroking his hand across my curls. He knows how much I hate people touching my curls, but he also knows that he is basically the only person besides my mum who I allow to do it anyways. Right now, it was all the comfort I could have asked for and more. My body was completely electrified in every part that was in contact with Louis. I'm not sure if this was a result of the medicine or just the high that he gives me naturally. I decide not to think about it and let his movements lull me to sleep.
In my dream, I wrote him a letter. I remember sitting down at this huge, white desk that contained one single piece of paper and a pen. There was a sign hanging on the wall in front of the desk that read, "make it count." So I did.
Dear Louis,
Using his actual name…well that's a start I guess.
Will you love me if I am actually me? I hope so.
Love always,
Harry
"I'll still love you no matter what." I heard his voice say as if he were answering my letter.
I turned around in the chair I was sitting in to look for him, but he was nowhere to be found.
"Where did you go?" I called out into the empty white room.
"I didn't go anywhere." He said right back. "I'll stay right here." I still couldn't see where his voice was coming from. I decided to hop off my chair and look for him.
The chair was so high up and the ground so far, that when I jumped, I fell for ages. I didn't stop falling until I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me softly.
"Haz, it's time for dinner. You need to eat something." It was Louis. I felt myself breathe a sigh of relief at his face.
"I found you." I said. I smiled through my daze of sleepiness at my victory.
"I told you, I didn't go anywhere Hazza." He said with a smile. "Now come and eat." He left the room right after that.
I sat there for a moment, frozen at Louis' words. I told you, I didn't go anywhere he said. Panic started to set in as I realized that Louis' voice in my dream said the same thing this Louis said right now. I replayed him saying it a few seconds ago in my mind. It seemed so genuine.
The worst question possible creeped into my mind after that. What if I asked him where he went in my sleep? If I did, then what else did I say. After all, I also heard his voice say something else to me in my dream as well.
My stomach dropped as I remembered what I said in my 'dream letter' and what his response was.
I'll still love you no matter what.
