3. it's only for the wounded
Carla smiled to herself as she pushed the pub door open wondering what Liam would make of her of attending his wife's birthday party willingly, gift clutched in her hand.
Liam had never been far from her thoughts and she had learnt over the past year that is was more painful to push his memory away and to lose him entirely than to live with his absence. Little Liam and Maria had helped her with that more than they would ever realise.
Peter was back at the flat making dinner and amusing an especially energetic Simon. Michelle had some sort of date that Carla was sure she would get all the details about later. So she was attending the party alone.
Not that she planned to stay for long. Not when she was surrounded by friends of Maria's who she didn't really know and nearly all the people who worked for her. It was true that she was a lot closer to her staff after the events over the last few years but she still didn't want to spend her free time socialising with them.
Sometimes she missed the days when they thought of her as an icy bitch, she felt more secure that way, it kept the most annoying of them from getting too close to her. And although she would never admit it out loud but she still felt uncomfortable and anxious in crowds of people she didn't know without anyone to back her up. It was something she hated but was learning to live with. So it would be a quick visit to extend her well wishes towards her sort of friend and then back home.
Besides she was not quite sure how her relationship with Peter worked when it came to alcohol. She still had not defined her problem with drink and neither had her boyfriend. Since the positively horrible weeks around Frank's death where they had both given up and attempted to drink themselves into oblivion she had not drank around Peter.
She was not sure if it was for his protection or if she was avoiding the issue all together. And she was equally unsure how he would react if he could taste a glass or two of wine on her tongue when he kissed her later. It did not feel as straight forward as when she shared a few innocent glasses with Michelle after a long day at work, walking into the pub alone she felt a twinge of guilt. It was a conversation she really needed to have with Peter but she didn't want to make the situation worse by examining it when things were just starting to get better. Even Simon had been more tolerant and comfortable in her presence even if he still disliked her.
Maria was centre of attention and with her brother to babysit the prim hairdresser was already amusingly tipsy when Carla greeted her. She hugged Carla tightly and thanked her for the gift. It was genuinely sweet and although she was very glad that they now seemed to get on, Carla didn't quite feel comfortable.
She owed this woman so much and she had continued to let her down and hurt the smaller woman. Carla carried a lot of guilt over the last six years especially and a lot of that was for what she put Maria through. While it was true Maria wasn't quite the blameless, innocent victim she appeared in the old days but it did not make Carla's affair with Liam any better.
And nothing would ever justify the way Carla had disbelieved her after Frank attacked her. She had meant it when she said she would never forgive herself for that, especially when Maria had selflessly supported her through the worst period of her life. She would not have been surprised if the other woman had thrown her call for help in her face but she was very glad that she hadn't.
So while they had become close, almost a family, and Carla supposed, along with Michelle, technically they were. But they had never been friends with shared interests and personalities. Maria still said silly and girly things and Carla still intimidated her a little with barbed sarcasm that sometimes fell from her lips almost automatically. They worked a lot better as friends with Michelle present as a buffer for their very different personalities.
Carla quickly excused herself from the circle of people gathered closely around the birthday girl. Feeling instantly more comfortable around the outskirts of the room where she could simply observe people. She knew generally she was thought of as a bit of an attention whore and she would not correct that assumption but half the time she preferred the quietness of her own company away from the crowds. She wasn't always the most social person especially after a stressful day at work and strained conversation as she picked Simon up from school.
But she was quite content to watch the others enjoy themselves. Marcus was laughing at Sean singing loudly and badly and Stella was ordering the bar staff around like they were part of a military operation. It all made Carla feel a little lonely but in a strangely content type of way.
It was then that her attention was drawn to the opposite corner where Kristy stormed away from Tyrone clearly heading towards the toilets. There was a brittle type of tightly contained anger and disappointment to the way the other woman carried herself. Carla wondered why she had never noticed before of if anyone else had noticed. It was something that instantly made her alert and recoil slightly further into the shadows. She associated that type of controlled and hidden aggression with another. Had been surprised by its ugliness right up close and now it seemed she was hyper aware of it in other people.
When the curly haired woman had disappeared from view Carla watched Tyrone curiously. The way he sat alone, shoulders hunched over his pint didn't seem to fit with the celebrations. She had heard through factory gossip that his girlfriend could be quite possessive so Carla hazard a guess that she was jealous of his past relationship with the woman's who birthday they were all celebrating. Only when Tyrone glanced up there was something harsh in his face, in the way his jaw was tight, hardening his chubby cheeks and his eyes cast in shadows.
It was more than curiosity even if she did not understand it. Carla found herself making her way towards the man, unobtrusively picking her way around the outskirts of the groups of people.
Tyrone didn't seem to notice her till she was practically leaning over him and he jumped at her presence, looking up quickly and seemed surprised at who was looking at him. "Carla did ya want something? If this is about blocking Underworlds driveway again it was only for an hour…" He trailed off as she stared silently at his face.
Up close the violent bruising and swelling around the corner of his mouth was startling. It took any words Carla had right out of her mouth in surprise. The injury was fresh, still bright red and only tinged with purple around his chin. It wasn't something that was easy to hide and she suspected he was already sick of people reacting just like she was.
"I'm sorry," She forced herself to say, absently touching the corner of her own mouth in recognition, "It's just your face looks painful. What happened?" She asked softly knowing really it wasn't any of her business. She already had a sinking feeling in her gut, a feeling like she already knew what had happened and it was the worst case scenario.
Tyrone glared at her with more anger she thought the bumbling young man would be capable of. He suddenly looked much older and Carla decided she wasn't the only one to have gone through hell and have lost everything over the last few years.
"Just an accident," he offered weakly into his drink as if he had not been prepared for her question. Really although they passed each other nearly every day they had never really had a proper conversation so Carla could not really blame him for his unease. "Is there something you wanted?" he asked clearly wanting to get rid of her scrutiny as soon as possible.
The need to be alone, even being rude to get rid of people was something Carla had become an expert in so she was unfazed. She sat in the empty chair and began to change tact.
"Oh I just wanted to talk to you about this job offer." She said with a dismissive wave of her hand, watching as Tyrone relaxed slightly at her casual tone.
"Yeah well we are really grateful for that." He mumbled squirming deeper into his seat.
Carla smiled warmly at him. He was charming in a way, she sort of regretted comparing him to a potato even if she had been drunk and lashing out. He was a good man and it was clear he would do anything for his partner. There were not many men like that in the world.
"Well you better be. You must have caught me on a very good day. Its not everyday Cruella employs a woman she's going to have to pay to sit at home with a kid in a matter of months. I might have had a blow to me head myself." She quipped.
Even Peter had seemed shocked at her decision and her sentimentality. But something had over taken her even if it wasn't the most financially viable choice. Maybe it was because they were almost neighbours now; maybe it was because she was getting too soft for her own good.
Tyrone smiled softly in response. The expression looked more at home on his face that any she had seemed so far.
"So is madam interested in your good deed?" She asked as innocently as possible, pulling at a sticky beer mat.
Tyrone's expression instantly darkened again and he looked away. His silence said more than any confession and Carla felt physically sick. She wondered where the worst case scenario became the most likely.
"She didn't take it well then." She whispered bitterly. She wanted to reach out and touch Tyrone's hand as it sat clenched on the table but she did not think her touch would be welcome.
Tyrone barked a short laugh that seemed so foreign and jaded it almost hurt her ears. "You could say that yeah."
"Oh Ty," She said sadly because there were no words.
She didn't need a confession of the whole twisted situation to see it for what it was. She wondered if the violence she had suffered at the hands of someone she once thought she might love had left her with the ability to spot the same shame in others.
If it had it was yet another after effect she did not want to live with. She had already seen more than enough darkness in the world and she wanted to hide from it. Seeing abuse in any form happening with the people around her was like holding a mirror up to all her pain when she still wanted to hide from it.
"Has it, um, has it happened before?" She asked even as she wanted to leave and forget she knew anything.
"No!" Tyrone insisted instantly immediately hostile at this relative stranger figuring out his dirty little secret. "How weak do you think I am? Actually don't answer that and don't pretend that we have ever been friends or that you care."
Carla glanced around to make sure that his outburst had not drawn any unwanted attention. This really was a conversation she wanted to have in private, not in a noisy pub or maybe she just didn't want to have this conversation at all.
"Friends are easier to lie to. But it doesn't mean I don't care or that anyone will think any less of you." She still wasn't convinced her words were the truth, not in her situation anyway.
But Tyrone didn't need to know that, he was loved and plenty of people cared for him and knew him well. For Carla one traumatic act had viciously torn her whole life apart and it was left to the people around her and juries to pick at and judge the wreckage. She had been found unworthy of sympathy and love and the intrusion was almost like being raped all over again. She would hate for anyone to have to go through anything like what she had lived through.
"Nobody knows and you can't tell anyone. I don't know why I told you just promise me you won't tell anyone." He spoke urgently as if he wished he could take back the last few moments and his secret with it.
She wanted to tell him that he hadn't told her anything but it had been written all over his face but now was not the time for semantics or splitting hairs.
"It's not my place to tell but it doesn't have to be a secret and you don't have to be ashamed." She told him making sure she held eye contact and in it her honesty and conviction.
Tyrone shook his head and rolled his eyes "Yeah because being attacked by a woman is the definition on manly." He hissed.
"Don't you dare give a fuck about the stereotypical bull. Hurting your partner is always beyond wrong no matter which person is causing the pain." Tyrone glanced at her in surprise at her intensity and the unfamiliar coarseness of her language. She hoped he would take her words seriously.
"She said she didn't mean it." He tried to protest even if he didn't sound like he believed it himself.
"Don't they all."
"She's carrying my child." He argued when Carla refused to give in.
"That doesn't give her the right and it doesn't mean you have to forgive her." This time she did reach out to squeeze his hand gently. She hated the way she seemed to be causing more harm to the most harmless man she had ever met.
Tyrone softened at the touch. His eyes welled with tears and he frowned with frustration at yet another sign of weakness.
"I don't know what to do." He admitted.
"I can't answer that for you darling but you don't need to keep this quiet. She needs help before it happens again. Hell before she destroys any love you have for her and there is an innocent child stuck in the middle." Her voice shook a little with emotion while she tried to stay as steady and as rational as possible for Tyrone's sake.
"Trouble is I think I've already forgiven her. I shouldn't have got her so worked up." He confessed suddenly grateful for a chance to voice everything that he had been going over and over in his head.
Carla sighed but she understood she had seen the pattern of behaviour hundreds of times over when she was a child. She could already see how it would escalate and how he would feel isolated and unable to confide in those who loved him until something terrible happened. She wished she could just shake him out of it.
"Never blame yourself. People get angry and we all make mistakes but that is never an excuse for that kind of violence. That's Kristy's problem and she has to deal with the guilt so don't let her switch the blame onto you. You don't deserve that Ty." She placed a shaky hand over her mouth to stop the sudden outpour of passionate emotion.
She had to swallow against the rising bile as memories plagued her mind once again. Rationally she knew what Frank had done to her was not her fault. That he had been a violent and controlling man even before they had become a couple but it did not stop her remembering how he had told her over and over that he loved her and it was her fault as he raped her on the floor of her home. It did not stop her wondering about all the 'what ifs' and how her actions had lead to him being broken hearted and angry. How Tony had tied her to a chair and placed the same twisted guilt upon her shoulders.
This wasn't the same situation and it all twisted confusingly in her head but abuse was abuse in whatever form it took and she could not bear to see someone else go through a fraction of what she had to face.
"I'm sorry for what happened to you." Tyrone said hesitantly, looking worried and Carla knew that it was for her sake not his own. "I never said anything at the time because there didn't seem to be the right words but I am truly sorry."
The boyish concern on his face was enough to push her over the edge and a sob escaped her lips as she hurriedly brushed away the tears. She had been feeling a little off and hormonal all day and now here she was feeling sorry for herself while she tried to comfort someone else.
"Thank you." She said finally and meant it because his simple and uncomfortably expressed concern was probably the most non judgemental and genuinely sweet thing that had been said to her for the longest time.
They shared a smile as they both tried to gather their emotions before anyone else noticed. Across the pub Carla saw Kristy stop to talk to Maria on her way back over to her boyfriend.
"Look I can't tell you how to live your life but if you need to talk or stock tips or anything you know where I am. Just please don't suffer in silence."
Carla squeezed his hand again and stood up to leave before he could react or Kristy got close enough to notice her presence. She exited the pub quickly, leaning against the wall and breathing in the cold wet air with relief.
She couldn't wait to get home and to hide in the smoky familiar safety of Peter's arms even though she was sure she would not get any sleep for all the thoughts running through her head.
There was no way she could solve Tyrone's life with one ten minuet chat and she was sure he would not want her to be pretentious enough to try. She just hoped that she had done enough to show him that there was a way out and he didn't have to wait till things got worse. That had to be enough.
