** Once again, thanks to Joe P. and Sam S. for helping me to recount the tale of the legendary Tom Ato. Are you ready? Continue the Karp Fest!**
After healing his pathetic Pokemon team, Tom started the walk to Turquoise Puddle City through Route 91i. On the way, he found a TM 2,973 (Self Destruct) on the ground. He sat on a boulder about halfway down the path, and realized it was really a Geodude when it sprayed him with sand. He collapsed on the ground and Magikarp sprang out of its PokeBall, and released the others, as well.
"Karp, karp. Magi-ka-rp, karp."
"To dream the impossible dream."
"Karp."
"To fight the unbeatable foe."
"Karp."
"To bear with unbearable sorrow."
"...*snore*..." added Abra.
"To run where the brave dare not go."
"Karp, karp-karp-karp."
"Yes."
"Karp, Magikarp karp."
"Duck."
"To try when your arms are too weary; to reach the unreachable star!" Suddenly, a rock flew out of nowhere and hit Tom in the head.
"Shut the fuck up! This is not a musical!"
As they continued their journey to Turquoise Puddle City, Tom, still angry about the unexpected musical moment, thought about how he could battle the Pokemon at the Waterlog Gym.
"Guess we're gonna have to train some more."
"Karp karp."
"Yes, Magikarp... You have to train, too. You're not all-powerful like you think you..."
"Charrrr!"
"Wow, a Charmander! This is my lucky day!" Tom sent out Psyduck and used Water Gun followed by Tackle to weaken the wild Pokemon. Just before Tom threw his PokeBall, Charmander used Tackle and sent Psyduck flying into Tom. The PokeBall flew out of his hand and hit the Charmander. One... two... three... The PokeBall popped back open and the wild Charmander fled. However, the PokeBall was nowhere to be seen and... The creepy music started playing in the background again. "What the fuck did I catch?"
"Psy-aii-aii-duck."
"Come out here, whatever you are," Tom shouted, throwing the PokeBall once he'd found it. A Slakoth appeared in a flash of light and yawned before going back to sleep. Tom returned the Pokemon to its PokeBall and fumed at his own lucklessness. "I shouldn't have cursed myself..." He checked his PokeDex, which showed that Slakoth knew Yawn, Rest, Leer, and Pluck.
"Psyduck has forgotten Bind, and Psyduck has learned Swallow!" the mysterious voice announced, causing Tom to jump.
"Great! I got another shit-filled Pokemon and now the eating-machine can eat me, too! Why the fuck can't you learn Spit Up?"
"Psy-aii-DUCK!" it coughed, watching Tom with its big, expressionless eyes.
"Whatever, come back, Psyduck." He returned it to its PokeBall and started to reach for Magikarp's PokeBall, too.
"Karp karp karp Magikarp!"
"Fine, fine! You can stay out! Just don't slow me down, Magikarp!"
"Karp!"
Soon after, Tom's team resumed its training session from the day before. Again, Metapod was the punching bag, now with four Pokemon trying to knock it out of the tree; Magikarp repeatedly used Tackle, Psyduck used Water Gun, Slakoth used Pluck, and Abra used Hidden Power. The endless fight continued throughout the day and deep into the night.
"Okay, we're going back to walking. I'm sick of this place." Without Tom knowing, Slakoth was perched on top of his backpack and sleeping soundly. After about a mile of walking, Tom tripped over something and fell to the ground. Slakoth kept sleeping, undisturbed and unnoticed, next to Magikarp on the bag.
"Karp, karp, karp!"
"Shut up! I know I fell down, Magikarp, and it really hurt! What the fuck did I trip over?"
"Karp?" Tom looked behind him and found a big, blue metallic egg laying in the middle of the dirt path.
"That's weird... I always thought Pokemon were mammals."
"Slak...OTH," Slakoth yawned, opening one eye to find out why everyone was making so much noise.
"Why are you back there? Anyway, can you hold the egg while you hang onto my backpack?" Slakoth didn't answer, but Tom slid the egg into its arms and got off the ground to continue the trip to Turquoise Puddle City. On his journey Tom battled many trainers; although he lost most of the battles, the trainers didn't take his money because they felt sorry for his weak and badly beaten Pokemon. The few battles he managed to win only helped him believe that he was a good trainer. Finally, he reached the Pokemon Center in the new city. With his Pokemon healed, he wanted to go back to Route 91i and train more. On his way out of the city, a man dressed in a pink, green, and blue sparkling Elvis costume stopped him.
"I challenge YOOOOU!" he yelled, pointing at Tom, who stifled a laugh as best as he could.
"Yeah, whatever."
"Karp karp!"
"Ha ha, nice one, Magikarp! Let's see what you've learned! Go, Magikarp!"
"Hmph. Fine, go, Rai-Rai! Use Thunder!"
"Magikarp, use Splash!"
"Karp karp!"
"Magikarp is unable to battle!" the mysterious voice announced, and Tom scowled as he dragged the unconscious Magikarp off of the battlefield.
"Go, Psyduck!"
"THUUUUNDER!"
"Use Water Gun!"
"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck!"
"Psyduck is unable to battle!"
"Shit! Uh, go, Slakoth! Use Leer, then Rest!"
"Rai-Rai, Slam."
"Use Leer again!" Tom's voice became filled with desperation; there was no way he was going to lose to this freak!
"Hyperbeam!" The Elvis impersonator giggled at the horrified look on Tom's face.
"Slakoth is unable to battle!"
"Abra, try not to die!" The little brown and black Pokemon simply continued to sleep, uncaring about what was going on around it. "Use Hidden Power!"
"Raichu must recharge!" the mysterious voice announced and, for the first time, Tom was glad to hear it.
"Use Hidden Power again!"
"Use Thunder!"
"Teleport, then Hidden Power!"
"Use Slam, Rai-Rai!"
"Abra is unable to battle!"
"Go, Metapod! Use String Shot on Raichu, then use Poison Powder!"
"Thunder!"
"Harden!"
"Use Double Team to throw the goop off, Rai-Rai!"
"Raichu is hurt by poison! Raichu is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom won the battle!"
"You have not heard the last of Dick N. Cider!" the man screamed as he ran into the woods, nearly tripping on his platform shoes.
"Later, loser!" Tom yelled after him as he returned Metapod to its PokeBall and grabbed Magikarp.
"Karp karp karp."
"Yeah, I'm glad that's over. We almost lost to that weirdo. How's the egg?"
"The egg is fine, but nothing is happening!" the voice said, and Tom snorted.
"Okay, whatever. Why is it that voice sounds like the guy from Movie Phone? Anyway, it's time to train some more, everyone!"
"Karp karp!"
"Right. I should heal you first. I forgot."
The training session didn't take long; Metapod tired fast. Soon, the day came to an end as Tom walked back to the Pokemon Center to take a rest. He fell asleep on one of the couches in the waiting room while Nurse Joy clone #72 healed his Pokemon. When he woke up the next morning, his Pokemon were sitting around the shaking egg on the coffee table.
"It's going to hatch! I wonder what Pokemon it's going to be."
"Karp, Magikarp."
"How do you do that? Why can't you just stay in your PokeBall?" Magikarp laughed as Tom reached for its PokeBall and found only the top half of it. "What the hell did you do, you stupid fish?"
"Karp, k-arp, k-karp."
"The egg is starting to hatch! You are the proud owner of a Beldum!" the voice announced from the ceiling. Tom wondered if it was coming from the intercom.
"BEL!" the blue-gray Pokemon screeched, bouncing up and down on the table and finally breaking it. Tom threw a PokeBall and caught Beldum and returned the others to their PokeBalls before running out the door. He didn't want to pay for the broken table. Once outside, Tom checked his PokeDex and found that Beldum only knew Take Down.
"That's okay, I guess. I'm just going to have to be careful with it, then."
"Karp, karp!"
"Okay, let's go to the gym!" The Waterlog Gym was full of amazing water Pokemon. With Azumarills, Gyaradoses, and even a Vaporeon, this gym was definitely more impressive than Kevin's in Hard Rock City. The gym leader, Drizzle, was prepared to take on challengers when Tom arrived, which pleased Tom to no end.
"Go, Magie!" the gym leader yelled as his PokeBall opened to reveal a weak-looking Magikarp.
"Uh, Magikarp?" Magikarp sprang out of Tom's backpack and joined the battle. "No, damn it! I didn't choose you!"
"Karp, karp."
"Karp karp! Magikarp!"
"Use Splash, Magie!"
"Use Tackle, Magikarp!"
"Magie is unable to battle!" the announcer yelled, holding up a red flag on Drizzle's side.
"Great, another one," Tom grumbled at the announcer, watching Magikarp do a victory splash in the water.
"Wow, that's a strong Magikarp! We'll see exactly how strong it is! Go, Wingull! Use Peck!"
"Use Tackle, Magikarp!"
"Wing Attack, Wingull!"
"Magikarp is unable to battle! What a surprise..."
"Oh, shut up! Go, Beldum! Use Take Down!"
"Both Wingull and Beldum are unable to battle!"
"Ha ha! Very strong! Go, Golduck! Show this kid what water can really do!"
"Go, Abra! Use Hidden Power!"
"Use Confusion, Golduck!"
"Teleport, then use Hidden Power again!"
"Finish it, Golduck! Use Brine!"
"Abra is uable to battle!"
"Go, Slakoth! Use Yawn, and hang in there!'
"Use Confusion, Golduck!"
"The attack missed!" the announcer shouted, watching the battle with disinterest.
"Slakoth, use Leer! A lot!"
"Golduck, use Brine!"
"Slak...oth," Tom's Pokemon yawned as it scratched its head. Golduck fell asleep on the platform.
"Keep using Leer, Slakoth!"
"Golduck woke up!" the announcer yelled, checking his watch and grabbing his bologna and cheese sandwich.
"Golduck, use Wake-Up Slap!"
"Slakoth is unable to battle!"
"Go, Psyduck!"
"Duck! Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck!"
"Brine!"
"Psyduck is unable to battle!"
"Psy-aii-ai... duck," it coughed as Tom returned it to its PokeBall.
"Go, Metapod! Use Poison Powder!"
"Use Wake-Up Slap!"
"Harden, Harden, Harden!" Tom just had to wait the battle out until Golduck fainted from the poison. After a few more minutes of ineffective hits and using Harden, Golduck finally fainted.
"Golduck is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom wins the battle!"
"That was a great battle, Tom!" Drizzle said sarcastically. "Here's your Golden Showers Badge!" Psyduck burst out of its PokeBall and grabbed the badge, then bit into it before deciding to swallow it whole.
"NOOOOO!"
"Duck. Psy-duck." While Tom was mourning his lost badge, the annoying music started playing in the background.
"Metapod is evolving!" the phantom voice said, causing the gym announcer to drop his sandwich in the pool. "Congratulations! Your Metapod evolved into Butterfree! Butterfree learned Silver Wind! Butterfree learned Confusion!"
"Yes! Finally!"
"Free free!" Then, for no apparent reason, Butterfree started glowing again and turned back into Metapod, and it immediately forgot its new attacks.
"What the hell happened? Is that even possible?"
"I didn't think so until this moment... Honestly, I have to say... I'm absolutely disgusted that I lost to you, but I pity you," Drizzle confessed as he began to walk back to his chair at the other end of the gym.
"Karp, karp-Magi-Magi-KARP!"
"You tell him Magikarp!"
"Get your Magikrap out of my gym or I'll spray you!" Tom stared at Drizzle during the long, awkward pause that followed.
"Uh, with what? You know, you're really creepy. I think we'll leave now." Tom carried his pathetic army of Pokemon out of the gym and, on the way to the door, Magikarp spewed yellow-green acidic water all over the floor.
"Nice," Drizzle sneered, ordering one of his guards to clean it up before it ate through the expensive wooden floor.
"Yes, it is, isn't it?" Tom and Magikarp laughed as they left. They went to the Pokemon Center, where they spent the night celebrating their close victory.
The next morning, the team started the long trip north to Light Socket City, the home of the electric gym. As it turned out, Route (-b ± √(b2 – 4ac)/2a) was the most difficult yet, filled with terrifying Pidgeys, sadistic Weedles, and monstrous Jiggypuffs. After seventeen trips back to Turquoise Puddle City to heal, Tom and his team arrived in the next city. Upon realizing that the gym leader really did use only electric-type Pokemon, Tom returned to Route (-b ± √(b2 – 4ac)/2a) to do some more training. Day in, day out for four days they trained, switching between trying to batter Metapod and live prey. Finally, they were ready.
Tom strode into the gym and challenged the leader, Sparky. However, he had to play leap frog with Psyduck first. He shoved the Pokemon into the electric gate and hopped over, then told Psyduck to walk forward.
"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-duck!" it screamed the second the current stopped coursing through its body.
"Delayed reaction," Tom commented, tossing a potion to Psyduck. It swallowed the item, glass and all, and thanked Tom with a bow.
"Wow, you're an idiot!" Sparky laughed, pointing at the little clouds of smoke drifting away from Psyduck. "You're definitely not the brightest bulb in the chandelier!"
"Shut up and go!"
"Go, Raichu!"
"Go, Metapod!"
"Double Team!"
"Metapod, String Shot into the rafters and swing like you know how to Tackle!" Sparky watched in confusion as Metapod glared at Tom for a moment, then obeyed the command. It swung higher and higher and higher, until it was moving faster than Raichu. It hit the electric Pokemon four times before they both fainted.
"Go, Jolteon!"
"It's your turn, Psyduck!"
"Come on! You're using a water Pokemon? You really are stupid!"
"That may be true, but this isn't just any water Pokemon: this is Psyduck!"
"Jolteon, Take Down!"
"Wait for it, Psyduck!"
"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii!"
"Almost there!"
"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii!"
"Swallow!"
"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-*gulp*-duck!"
"Jolteon!"
"Jolteon is unable to battle! Pokemon Trainer Tom wins the battle!"
"Great job, Psyduck! You can spit it out now..."
"Psyduck is choking on Jolteon!" the announcer yelled enthusiastically.
"Shut the hell up! That's obvious, you dolt!"
"Psy-aii-aii-aii-aii-aii!"
"Magikarp, use Tackle!" It slammed into Psyduck, who spit up Jolteon. The electric-type Pokemon shot out of its mouth, covered in think, mustard-yellow mucus. "Problem solved. Where's my badge?"
"Fine, loser! There you go!" Sparky tossed the badge to Tom, and Psyduck jumped up and caught it in its mouth. "... Whatever, freak. That WAS the Static Cling Badge. It makes all Pokemon up to level 30 obey you. Now get out!" Tom and his Pokemon cheered on the way to the Pokemon Center, and all the way to Route 3/(x-1). They took on a few wild Rattatas along the way, and their victories made them feel invincible.
Night fell before they reached Periwinkle Town, but they didn't mind sleeping outside under the stars... until it started to rain. At dawn, Tom started leading his team forward again, and about two miles from town they saw a man wheeling an orange and yellow cart around.
'Maybe he's selling food,' Tom thought, licking his lips as a picture of a hot dog popped into his mind. But as they got closer, Tom realized that the man wasn't selling food; hundreds of identical voices rose up into the air, creating a noise Tom never wanted to hear.
"Karp karp karp, Mag-i-karp. Karp karp karp, Magi-Magi-karp!" the cart sang, and Tom's vision began to blur.
"Karp?" Wait, did Magikarp sound worried? Then, above the chorus of Magikarps came a horrible sound, barely recognizable as the voice of a Pokemon.
"Feeb... Feeeeeb-as! Feeb-as, bas!"
"Welcome, young traveler! This is the Karp Cart! For only ¥1,500, you can have your very own pet Magikarp!"
"Karp?"
"No, I don't want another one, Magikarp..." Tom groaned, stumbling toward the cart.
"Karp, Magi-karp!"
"My name's Chuck Ato, and I'm here to serve you today! So, you wanna buy a Karp?" Tom froze and stared at the vendor, taking in his goofy grin and stupid fish hat.
"Chuck... Ato?" Tom said, and the world went black. When he came to a few minutes later, he was dripping wet and Magikarp was flopping on his chest.
"Are you okay?" Tom nodded weakly and looked around, glad to see that the mass of Magikarps was still in the Karp Cart.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Get off!" He shoved Magikarp off of his chest and sat up. "Chuck... Ato... You must be..."
"The best Magikarp vendor in the world!"
"No... You must be... my... dad." Tom burst into hysterical tears and started pounding the ground with his fists. "NOOOOO!" Chuck watched rather nonchalantly, much to Tom's surprise.
"I figured you'd be coming around soon... Your mom has a restraining order on me; she got it when I started going 'Karp Krazy,' as she called it."
'That's why she looked so horrified when I brought a Magikarp home,' Tom thought, glancing over at the huge, shaking cart.
"Do you want a Karp, Tom?"
"No, I already have one." Tom pulled out a tissue and blew his nose noisily.
"I see. So you're in the family business! Did you come find me so you could help me sell Magikarps? You can never have too many, you know."
"Yes, you can. I already HAVE too many."
"Karp!" Magikarp flopped away from Tom. It bounced next to the cart and waited, but nothing happened. "Karp karp karp, Mag-i-karp!" The cart suddenly vibrated like a washing machine as all of the Magikarps started splashing at once.
"KARP KARP KARP, MAGI-MAGI-KARP!" the cart roared. Tom jumped as his PokeDex beeped; he opened it cautiously. There on the screen were three words he never wanted to see: Magikarp learned Sing.
"Come on, take another Karp! They seem to love you!"
"I DON'T WANT ANOTHER MAGIKARP!"
"Okay, okay. If you give me a few hours, I can probably get you a Feebas, if you want one."
'Well, at least it's a new Pokemon...' Tom thought, then he nodded.
"Sure, Dad."
