*** The Salem Spectator ::: Edition Three***

Thursday, June 28, 1990.
Freezing winds. -4 degrees today. Snowfall. -25 degrees tonight.

A Jack Devereaux Production

( Hot Editorials )

Mike Writes From China by Jack W. Devereaux

April Ramirez has received a letter from her fiance Michael Horton. Mike has been living in China for several months now. Mike stated in the letter that he can now speak Chinese and the main staple in China is eggrolls. He said in the letter he doesn't know when he'll be back, because he enjoys the food there far too much.

Mike Horton went to China to treat the sick. April commented, "He's not there for medical reasons now! I bet he's seeing some chink hooker!" April is very upset because Mike persuaded her to divorce her husband, ex-pimp Nick Corelli and marry him. Soon after Nick and April's divorce, Mike went off to China. April wishes she had now never divorced Nick who has now become a monk.

April remarked, "I don't care how many eggrolls Mike brings back, I still won't marry him!"

Angelica Returns from the Grave by Jennifer R. Horton

Angelica Devereaux Curtis and her son Alexander were killed several months ago in an explosive plane crash. Her body was brought back to Salem and placed in a mausoleum paid for by Mr. Victor Kiriakis who often slept with Angelica. Two teenagers, Sarah Horton and her boyfriend Randy were making out in the graveyard when they claim to have seen Angelica leave her mausoleum and begin walking toward them.

"I was so scared..." commented Randy. "...that I could feel the tattoo quivering on my forehead!"

The two claim that the ghost of Angelica walked over to the grave of a man who had been a porno star while alive and began to furiously hump the tombstone.

When asked what they thought the ghost Angelica wanted, Sarah replied, "She either wanted to see me and Randy making out or perhaps she was trying excite the ghost of the pornos!"

Cal Winters Escapes by Vern Scofield

Salem Police Force is reporting the escape of convict Cal Winters from Salem Prison. Cal could be armed and is considered quite dangerous. Guards say that Cal escaped because he couldn't take the advances of the monkey-beast any longer.

Cal had told the guards, "I can't stand it anymore! That hairy lady is always trying to get down my pants and peel my banana!"

Cal also complained because the monkey-beast constantly drooled and spread it's waste products all over the cell. Some of the authorities say they don't blame Cal for escaping.

Since Cal has escaped, the monkey-beast has become very violent, demanding to be set free to roam the streets of Salem. Commander Roman Brady is considering freeing the monkey. "After all," Brady remarked. "It only stole something clothing and beat up a punk."

Anyone seeing Cal Winters should call the Salem Police Force. He may be carrying dangerous ticks, lice, and fleas.

Carrie Receives Hickey by Jack W. Devereaux

Miss Carrie Brady received her first hickey last Wednesday evening at 8:37 pm and it was a BIG one! The guy who used a suck-tion method of hickey-giving on Miss Brady was Julio Ramirez, a twenty year old college student. Julio's older brother Emilio is known as the town punk, but his brother has a cleaned up act. "Julio is attending college to get into the trade of running a mortuary and it is a known fact that he cuts his hair once a year. He has no tattoos on his body that can be seen by the naked eye," reports Carrie. "My dad thinks he's okay, so he told Julio he could give me a hickey."

Miss Brady's hickey was measured as over 5 inches in diameter and covered her throat and chest region. "Julio is an expert. My dad will be impressed," giggled Carrie.

Kayla Goes Bad by Jennifer R. Horton

Salem is amazed by the change in the once demur Kayla Brady Johnson. Sources now say that Kayla is a good girl gone bad. She is spending most of her time in sleazy bars with filthy, heathen men. She is now drinking whiskey and cussing like a sailor. "I can hardly recognize my wife! Before, she couldn't even stand the taste of whiskey, now she consumes a large bottle of Black Velvet nightly!" says hubby Steve.

Kayla is now known to Salem bar-hoppers as Kinky Kayla, the Kozy Sex Kitten. She bought some provocative clothing to perpetuate the image and wears a ton of make-up on her outings. "What will our daughter think of her mother?" Steve asks sadly. "I hope that Kayla stops her craziness at once!"

Kayla said the reason she is doing this is to get Steve back for his wild past. "Steve used to spend hours in the bar while I stayed home fat and pregnant. Now it's my turn to party!" Kayla said. "I will get revenge for that!"

Sarah's Syndrome by Vern Scofield

Maggie and Mickey Horton are amazed at their daughter's rare syndrome which has been medically termed as Sarah's Syndrome. Sarah was born in 1982 which means she should be eight years of age, but that is not the case.

In 1987, Eve Donovan was accused of running over Sarah in a car. At the time, Sarah could not have been more than five years old, but appeared about nine. Three years have passed since that time, and Sarah now claims to be fifteen and looks it, too!

The child should be eight and is dating a hoodlum and using birth control. We are wondering if Sarah's Syndrome is contagious, because Andrew Donovan is suffering from a similar condition.

Emilio Ramirez Gets a Haircut by Jack W. Devereaux

Salem is awed because Emilio (Punk) Ramirez has finally broke down and gotten a haircut! "It was the first time in years, man," Emilio remarked. "At least now, chicks can see my earrings better!"

The barber who cut Emilio's hair said he could hardly cut through the dirty tangles and grease. Emilio said, "I am saving the hair to stuff the seat of my motorcycle, dude!"

More on Winters by Jennifer R. Horton

Salem Police wish to inform us that Cal Winters may be mentally insane and extremely dangerous. Before he escaped, he told guards that there was no place like home and if he clicked his heals together three times he would be far away from the monkey-beast and back at his home in Kansas. He also remarked, "It takes brains, a heart, and courage to escape the hairy chick!"

Just before breaking out of the cell, Cal screeched, "I'll get you, my pretty! And you're little monkey, too!"

Cal also left wearing a checkered dress, carrying a picnic basket, and singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road." Too bad Salem isn't the Emerald City, right, Cal?

* A Spectator Special Report * by Vern Scofield

Note: This editorial has been written after an interview with * Spectator's * editor and head reporter Jack William Devereaux and his assistant reporter Jennifer Rose Horton. Miss Horton and Mr. Devereaux wish to clear up some of the gossip that has been circulating in regards to the period that the two of them were stranded on the Tuscano Island. The two would like to shed some light on any possible misunderstandings and explain the situation by which they were lost.

Jennifer decided to sail on the "Loretta" so she could cover any stories that may occur. Jack Devereaux was there for the same reason. But Ernesto put a bomb in the cargo hold which nearly killed all on the ship. Devereaux and Horton managed to survive along with Victor Kiriakis, Roman, Bo, and Hope Brady, and Julie Williams. They were all stranded on an island and Jennifer had an injury to her leg. There is a rumor that Jack may have caused that injury in the act of raping Jenn. This is not true. Jennifer says that the wound occurred when her leg got cut on a coral reef.

Jack took Jennifer to a cave to take care of her injured leg. It is rumored that while in the cave, Jack forced Jennifer to give him oral sex. "That's a bunch of crap," states Devereaux. "I may have dreamed it, but it never happened."

While in the cave, Jack had an erotic dream about he and Jennifer getting cozy. "I dreamed I was Tarzan and she was Jane. I swung on a vine and wanted her to eat my banana!" Jack remarked.

When asked if Jack took care of her injury, Jenn replied, "He took great care of me. He ripped his shirt into little bandages to cover my wounds."

There is a rumor that Jennifer herself ripped Jack's shirt in a fit of passion, but Jack said that is not true. The couple refuse to comment whether or not they had sex in the cave.

Jack states, "The people of Salem want to know too much. I hate to have sex without protection. What was I supposed to use, a banana peel?"

The * Spectator * has had countless letters coming in asking about Jack and Jennifer and what exactly they did on the island. This has got to stop, readers! If you have any further questions, please write to Tarzan and Jane at the following address : 69 Jungle Lane, Tuscano Island, Mediterranean Sea 69969.

(( Astrological Traits ))

The Spectator tells you your personal traits according to the month of your birth. It also includes your astrological nickname plus residents of Salem who share your astrological traits.

January: nickname : The Old Woman
A senile, wrinkled, grandmotherly-type person.
Alice Horton and Caroline Brady

February: nickname : The Convict
A person with evil, perverse qualities, but frightened of encountering a wild beast.
Cal Winters

March: nickname: The Virgin
A fooler of others; everyone thinks this person is sweet, kind, and pure, but in reality this person is a swindler or low-down scum of heart.
Faith Taylor and Jo Johnson

April: nickname: The Punk Lover
A lover of hoodlums and punk-like characters; gets turned on by dangly earrings and greasy hair.
Melissa and Sarah Horton

May: nickname : The Dizzy One
A nutty and dorkish sort of person with stupid or bizarre ideas.
Calliope Bradford

June: nickname : The Lost Child
A person who was an abused child; often locked in an attic or closet.
Maxwell, Eric, and Samantha Brady

July: nickname: The Horndog
A person in desperate need of sex and will do almost anything to have it.
Bo Brady and Eve Donovan

August: nickname: The Seductress
A sexy, alluring person who makes members of the opposite sex go wild with lust.
Jennifer Horton and Hope Brady

September: nickname : The Hoodlum
Known as a filthy punk or a hoodlum. Often has tattoos, long hair and weird jewelry.
Emilio Ramirez and Randy

October: nickname: The Slob
A real-live slob; this person's qualities include wetting of pants, dribbling food on self and others, and goobering on other people.
Stephanie Johnson and the Monkey-beast

November: nickname : The Pimp/Monk
A person who may appear to be as low-down as a pimp, but is really as honest as a monk.
Nick Corelli

December- nickname: The Rapist
A romantic sort of guy with sex appeal, but may turn nasty and violent in the sack.
Jack Devereaux and Lawrence Alamain

((( Ask Alice )))

Alice returns from making donuts to answer your most intimate questions. We guarantee, these questions are hot!

Dear Alice,
I have returned from the grave because I heard that the man I once had a love affair with and gave birth to his child has remarried. When I left the mausoleum to find the man, I ran into two women making out! This really disgusted me, especially when I saw a tattoo on one woman's forehead. I've been thinking of leaving the mausoleum again, but I am scared I will encounter the lesbian lovers. What shall I do?
Signed,
Dead, but Disgusted

Dear Dead,
Join in, honey! I would if I were you!

Dear Alice,
I am upset because I am Mexican but my fiancee has fallen in love with Chinese food. The man I love has left me for eggrolls! What should I do?
Signed,
Ms. Burrito

Dear Burrito,
I suggest you ask him over for dinner and serve him red hot peppers in his eggrolls. Your fiancee sounds a lot like my grandson Mike!

Dear Alice,
I am very disturbed, because my wife who once was kind, modest, and loving has become a barmaid. She now drinks heavily and cusses like you wouldn't believe. What can I do to change her attitude.
Signed,
Grossed Out

Dear Grossed Out,
I suggest you put some tablets in her alcohol to slow down her sex drive. If that doesn't work, tie her legs together!

Dear Alice,
My daughter has a hickey on her neck the size of a porsche. What can be done to hide it?
Signed,
Daddy Cop

Dear Daddy,
Tell your daughter to wear a bigger bra!

Dear Alice,
Everyone is acting strangely. They made fun of the way I dress and the way I sing. Some even tried to put me in a straight jacket. I had a little dog. He is missing and I think someone may have dog-napped him. Why do these people hate me so much?
Signed,
Dorothy

Dear Dorothy,
I honestly hope the yellow brick road leads you to the nuthouse, you wicked witch!

Dear Alice,
I recently went to get a hair-cut, because my hair hung down so far that it tickled my knees. Now I am regretting it, because I don't feel like my old punkish self. What can I do?
Signed,
Called Punk

Dear Punk,
Buy a wig and shut up, you little punk!

Dear Alice,
I divorced my wife because she wanted to marry this other guy. Now the other guy left her to eat in another country. I still love her and would love to have her back, but now I am a monk. What can I do, Alice?
Signed,
Hating Monkdom

Dear Monk,
Maybe you weren't cut out to be a monk. A guy like you would be better off as a pimp! I think you should resign as a monk and return to your old ways. The old you was far more interesting!

((( Classified Ads)))

There is something here to interest even a weirdo like you!

For Sale:
Pair of scissors once used to cut the greasy hair of a punk. Call Larry the Barber at 425-SNIP.

For Sale:
An engagement ring which was once a gift from a wonderful man who has left me for eggrolls. Call April at 425-TACO.

Found:
Brown habit like the kind monks wear. Spotted with sperm stains. Call 425- JISM to claim.

Personal:
Kayla,
Please come home. I love you - even if you have whiskey on your breath.
Steve

Personal:
I hate your haircut! What happened to your punk image?
Melissa

Personal:
Steve,
I am not coming home until you install a bar in our home. I warned you! I told you that I would become a bad girl if you didn't behave! Now you are paying for the past!
Kayla

Lost:
A checkered dress and picnic basket. Call Alice Horton if you have information.

Reward:
A $3 reward will be given to anyone with information about the ghost of Angelica Curtis. Call the Salem Cops.

Wanted:
A remedy to cover large hickeys. Call Carrie at 425-SUCK.