Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the characters.
A/N: Sorry for the delay. The holidays and work have been much busier than I anticipated. Hope you enjoy!
The elevator doors parted and Kate breached the opening. Anyone within five feet of her would be able to see the thumping of her heart. She approached the door to Castle's loft; her arm rose, pausing to collect her bearings, she knocked.
Castle rips open the door, a less than thrilled expression covering his face. He had been more than content to wallow and submit to his over active imagination this evening. Upon seeing his unwanted guest was in fact his girlfriend, a slight smile appeared on his lips. "Kate, why…I thought you were with Lanie."
"I…I was." Easy words were presenting a challenge escaping her mouth, let alone the more important conversation to come. "We had a few drinks. I called it a night early so I could come see you." Kate smiles, swaying uneasy on her feet.
"Kate, you didn't have to come. I wasn't upset. You could have spent more time with Lanie." He is happy to see her, but doesn't want Kate to think that she needs to cancel her girls night for him.
"I know I could have." She tries to keep her voice flat. Her gaze shifts from Castle to her shoes. This was going to be more difficult than she thought. "Can I come in?"
Their location in the doorway suddenly dawns on him. "Of course, come here." He grabs her hand and leads her into the loft. "Want something to drink?"
"No, I'm good." She leans in to place a soft kiss to Castle's lips. The kiss is to help ease her into this, but also to see how much Castle may have had to drink. The last thing she wants is to try and have a serious discussion when he is intoxicated. To her surprise, she doesn't smell any scotch on his breath.
"Not that I'm complaining, but what brings you here tonight?" Castle grins, places his hands on Kate's shoulders and presses a tender kiss to her forehead.
"Rick…we need to talk." The words escape her lips in a surprisingly steady tone. The thoughts running through her mind however are anything but steady.
Fear and concern flash across Castle's face. The four words that no one in a relationship wants to hear have just fallen from Kate's lips. "Kate…I…I'm…" He mumbles, no coherent thought coming to mind.
Kate grabs Rick's hand in hers, locking eyes. "Relax; it's not as bad as that sounded. At least I hope not." She answers, hoping to lessen both of their fears.
"Ok, what is it then?" His voice still uncertain, but his eyes less fearful.
"We need to talk about the last few weeks. As much as we both keep saying everything is fine, its not. The ordeal with Tyson has affected both of us, but especially you. I think you are having a harder time moving on from this than you want to admit."
"Kate, I…" Castle tries to speak, but Kate interrupts him.
"No, Castle…let me finish. Please." She replies, her voice emitting a soft, pleading sound. When he doesn't attempt to interrupt again, she takes a breath and continues.
"I'm not okay." She pauses. "I close my eyes and I see the elevator doors closing. I really thought that Tyson was going to kill you and there was nothing I could do to stop it."
Castle scoots closer to Kate, placing a hand on her thigh. "Kate, hon..I'm fine. I'm safe, we are both safe." His hand runs through her hair, placing a few strands behind her ear.
"I know…but that doesn't make the feelings just disappear. That's why I know that you are not fine either."
"I'm working on it." Castle admits with some hesitation.
"Tell me what you are feeling. I want to help." Kate lays it out. This is either going to get him talking or he will retreat farther inside himself.
Castle takes a couple of breaths. He runs his fingers through his hair. This is not a conversation he was hoping to have tonight…or ever, but maybe he should. "I…I don't even know where to begin." He whispers, his piercing blue eyes locking on hers.
"I know that you believe that Tyson might still be alive. How does that make you feel?" She tries to help him start. It was always easier with Dr. Burke when he asked questions and she answered.
"Wow…you aren't pulling any punches tonight." Castle shifts back on the couch.
"Rick…I just want to help you." She places a hand on his back waiting to see if he responds. When he doesn't pull away, she begins to gently stroke across his shoulders.
"I feel guilty." The words escape his lips in the softest tone she has ever heard from him.
"Why?"
"He got away once because I didn't figure it out fast enough. I felt guilty for a long time about that. Now it is even worse." Castle shifts his body so that he is laying back against her, his head falling into Kate's lap.
"Rick…you have nothing to feel guilty about. If it wasn't for you, we may never have even figured out who the Triple Killer was." Her fingers find their way to his head. She softly strokes through his hair, tracing light patterns on his scalp. So far so good Kate thinks.
"Deep down I know that is true, but I can't help wondering how many other woman were killed because he got away." A single tear falls down his cheek. "And then there is Tessa. She is dead because of me."
Her thumb swipes the single tear off his cheek. Her lips fall to his forehead. "You can't think like that. Tyson would have killed again, whether it was Tessa or someone else."
"He picked Tessa to set me up. She is dead because he wanted to get revenge on me…on us. How can I not feel guilty about that?" His eyes rise to meet hers.
She can see the desperation in his eyes. His eyes are pleading with her to help him relieve his guilt. Oh God how she wishes she had a magic answer for him. "It's ok to be upset or sad about Tessa, but you can't feel guilty." She looks directly into his eyes. Her hand finds his heart and rests above it. "You have done nothing wrong. This guilt that you are fighting proves how remarkable you are. Tessa is dead because of Tyson. Tyson did this, not you."
"Do you really believe that Tyson is dead?"
"I think there is a small chance he survived, but yes I believe he is dead." She holds her breath, waiting for Castle's response.
"I really want to believe that too, I just can't yet." Castle's head hangs a dejected gaze upon his face.
Her hand strokes his cheek. "That's ok, it will take some time."
"You know how you close your eyes and see the elevator closing, well when I close my eyes I see him. I see him walking around the loft, watching me, watching us."
"You're feeling vulnerable?" Kate states more than questions.
"How did you know?"
"I thought about why you were so disappointed when I told you that I had plans with Lanie. You don't want to be alone. You want comfort, reassurance." Kate squeezes his hands in hers. "So do I. I need your comfort too."
"Kate…I'm here for you, whenever you need me." He places a soft kiss to her lips, running a hand along her cheek.
"I want to be the same for you. Whatever you need, please tell me." She returns his kiss.
"I need the truth." His reply is almost instant.
"If I knew about Tyson I would…" Kate starts to answer, but is cut off.
"Not about Tyson's state of life…about us."
"Us? I don't understand." Kate is slightly worried about his question.
"You told me you never stopped believing in me…is that true?" His eyes well with tears, his heart beating rapidly.
Castle…Rick, I never believed that you killed Tessa." Kate pauses, afraid to admit the truth about her insecurities. "However, I can't lie to you. Part of me wondered if you knew Tessa…if you were seeing her." Her eyes now filling with tears as well. "Reading the emails…all my old fears were revived. I wrestled with my feelings about this for longer than I care to admit." Her glassy eyes reconnect with his. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I doubted you."
Rick averts his gaze, bobbing his head. It hurt to hear her admit it, but that is why he asked. The uncertainty was eating away in the pit of his stomach for the last few weeks. The guilt over Tessa, the worry that Tyson is still out there, and the nagging suspicion that Kate doubted his commitment were more than he could handle anymore.
"Kate, I need you to really listen to me." He turns so that he can look her directly in the eyes. "There is nobody but you. I am committed to this relationship. I worked too long, too hard at breaking through your walls to screw this up. I know my past and reputation worries you, but trust me you have nothing to worry about. You are all I want." He pulls her in for a loving embrace. There is so much more he needs to tell her, but at this moment all he can think about is demonstrating to her how much he loves her.
"I know Rick. I…I just had to remind myself. Old habits die hard." She places a sweet kiss to his jaw and works her way to his lips. "I trust you Rick."
"I know my reputation doesn't do me any favors, but I have always been a one woman kind of man. When I'm in a relationship, I'm unavailable to anyone else. It is certainly no different with you." Rick's heart begins to quicken; he really wants to tell her now.
"All the pieces of evidence against you were explained and everything happened with Tyson to clear you. I thought I was over the second-guessing, but then you…you wouldn't make love to me." Kate pulls her bottom lip into her mouth. Her voice is shaky, her insecurity shining bright for Rick now.
"Oh God Kate. I wanted to…believe me I wanted to, but every time we got close all I could do was think about him watching us. When we are together its amazing; like nothing I have ever experienced before. I couldn't deal with the thought of anything taking away from that."
Kate cuddles into Rick's chest; her hand traces circles on his stomach. "It's amazing for me too." She lifts her head, smiling at him. "I think the reason this affected me so hard is because our relationship means so much to me."
"Rick, I need to try and tell you something. Try to make you understand what is in my head. You know that words…words aren't always easy for me so try and let me get through this."
"I'll try." Rick replies quietly.
"I have become so accustomed to fighting my feelings for you over the years that it is still hard for me to accept them. When you told me you loved me in the cemetery, I couldn't begin to process my own feelings in those terms. I spent a year learning to believe I deserved your love and working to open myself up to the possibility of loving you in return. Then you told me again and I still couldn't accept my own feelings. I knew I cared deeply for you and wanted to try…to try us." Kate stops, pausing to align her thoughts. This is extremely important and she wants to get this right. "With Lanie's help, I realized something tonight."
"And what is that?" A smile begins to break at the corner of Castle's mouth. The anticipation of what she might be ready to admit is getting the better of him.
"I love you Rick. I have for longer than I thought." She presses a passionate kiss to his lips, brushing her fingers along the back of his neck. "All the time I was working towards us…I was already." She kisses him again, halting his attempt at returning her sentiment. The floodgates have opened and she is determined to let it all flow out. "I have been trying for months to put into words how I feel about you. I didn't think I was in love yet because my feelings seemed to be the same as before we had sex. My attraction to you and my need to be around you increased, but my feelings seemed the same. Tonight I was telling Lanie how we came to be and I realized that I have been in love with you this whole time." A huge smile appears across her face and Kate nods, signaling to Castle that he is allowed to speak again.
"God Kate…I have wanted to tell you again since the moment you appeared at my door soaking wet. I love you Kate; more than I have ever loved anyone." He grabs her face and plants the most passionate kiss he can muster on her. He strokes his hand through her hair, "I love you. I only want you."
"Good because I want you too." She moves to press her body close to his. Placing a kiss to his pulse point and working her way up to his ear, Kate whispers, "and Rick, I trust you. There are no more doubts in my head about your fidelity. Never again."
Castle stands, stretching his arm out to Kate. "Come with me. I'm ready again to show you just how much you mean to me. To show you how much I love you."
Kate takes Castle's hand and lets him lead her into his bedroom. Their clothes quickly find the way to the floor. As their bodies reconnect, all else is forgotten.
A/N: There will be an additional chapter or epilogue however you want to view it posted separately because of the M-rating. I am placing the finishing touches on it and it will be available soon…much quicker than this update.
Thank you to all who read. I tried to keep them in character and time even though I strayed with the I love you. Hope you enjoyed. Let me know!
