Notes: This chapter contains a sex scene - it's not explicit, but I have changed the rating from T to M, just to be sure. And yes, I did tag this fic as sort of slow burn - the slow burn part starts after this chapter.
3. Discharge
January, the fourth year of peace
The Land of Snow
The harsh, metallic sound of someone unsheathing a sword wakes him up.
Sasuke is awake in that instant, his years as a ninja kicking in immediately. He wastes one second to ponder where the hell he is before his mind catches up with the situation. The Snow Country, Kakashi, the cave.
Sasuke forces his breathing to calm down and his body to relax, faking sleep, as he tries to locate where the sound came from just by listening. It's dead quiet in the cave – there's no crackling of the fire nor the howling of the wind to be heard from outside.
When Sasuke finally opens his eyes, just peering through his lashes, everything is dark. Has Kakashi put out the fire? Why? He pushes himself into a sitting position and eyes the cave – the only light is the dim glow of the moon coming from outside and Sasuke can make out just the dark shapes of the stone walls and the place where the fire was burning only a few hours ago.
But even in that poor light Sasuke can see that the cave is empty.
He doesn't even bother to be disappointed about the fact that Kakashi didn't have the spine to deal with his mistakes and fled when Sasuke had his back turned. But purposely putting out the fire – that sure feels like he was hoping Sasuke would die of the cold in his sleep, doesn't it?
But where did that sound that woke him up come from?
Tired of squinting his eyes in the dark, Sasuke activates his bloodline limit and studies the cave with his sharingan.
There is a flash of steel at the edge of his vision and Sasuke turns towards it – he almost expected something like this to happen.
One lone sharingan blinks into life in the darkness and Kakashi steps closer. He raises his sword towards Sasuke, not unlike a few hours ago in the woods, but this time his face is devoid of any expression as he stares down at Sasuke with one eye closed and the other glowing maliciously red.
"What the fuck is going on?" Sasuke growls, sounding more scared that he would like to admit. His legs are wobbly and weak as he gets up into a crouching position, and scans the ground where he remembers leaving his weapons earlier this evening. Naturally they aren't there anymore.
Kakashi takes another step towards him, tilts his head to the side and opens his right eye.
Now there are two sharingans glaring straight at Sasuke.
"What – ?" he blurts out as his knees almost give out under him and his heart drums violently against his chest. Cold sweat washes over him as Sasuke watches the man that should not have two red eyes close in on him. Where has he got that one?
Sasuke is getting enough of this.
The high-pitched sound of chidori hurts his ears as it echoes around in the cave. The blue chakra sparkling from his hand lights the cave and he gets a better look at Kakashi.
But it is not Kakashi who he is looking at.
In the exact spot where his former teacher was standing only mere seconds ago is Itachi. Itachi, his dead brother, pointing Kakashi's katana towards Sasuke. There is a wound on his forehead, bleeding right over his eyes, and his skin is sickly pale against his matted, tangled hair.
"Brother…" escapes from Sasuke's lips before he can stop himself. He lets the chidori die out before he realises that Itachi hasn't turned off his sharingan or lowered the sword.
"How could you do this to me, Sasuke?" Itachi asks, his voice a hoarse, raspy mockery of what it should be. "How could you? I loved you more than anything, little brother. And you killed me."
"Itachi, I'm so sorry, I didn't know – "
"Everything I did, I did for you," Itachi hisses at him and then he has Sasuke pinned against the wall. The sword scrapes Sasuke's skin on his neck and he has never felt this helpless in his life.
"Itachi, I didn't know. If I had, I would never – "
"How could you kill me, your only brother?" Itachi growls at him. Blood drips into his eyes, but he doesn't even blink as he leans in closer to whisper into Sasuke's ear. "What will mother say when she hears that you killed me, Sasuke?"
"Brother, don't – "
"I'm like this because of you, Sasuke," Itachi breathes out, his eyes never leaving his little brother's, and raises a hand to Sasuke's face.
He presses one cold finger on Sasuke's forehead, an awful imitation of the familiar gesture.
"It's all your fault."
o0o
Sasuke snaps his eyes open. His breath hitches in his throat and the erratic pulse of his heart pounds in his ears as the last remnants of the nightmare leave him. This is why he hasn't been sleeping for weeks – how could he, when instead of dreaming of home or falling into the comforting void of unconsciousness, he is haunted by his dead brother whenever he closes his eyes. Even in the relative safety of the cave and his former, quite pissed-off teacher, Sasuke can't run away from the nightmares.
He tries to calm himself down, taking deep, slow breaths to mask his panic – he doesn't want Kakashi to notice how upset he is. Sasuke shifts his head slightly towards the fire, pretending to move around in his sleep, and steals a glance at his former teacher.
Kakashi is sitting by the fire, a book in his hand, probably still angry at him. As Sasuke's usual luck would have it, Kakashi, as if on cue, turns slightly to cast worried eyes at his way, alarmed by the sounds Sasuke is bound to have made in his sleep.
Defiantly, Sasuke throws an arm over his face and turns his back to the fire, refusing to admit his weakness to Kakashi.
After a while the familiar sound of turning pages returns and Sasuke lets himself relax, listening to Kakashi's calm breathing in the silent cave. He closes his eyes again and tries to fall back asleep.
o0o
It's not working.
There is nothing he can do about it – Sasuke can't close his eyes without a gruesome picture of either his dead brother or parents appearing behind his eyelids sooner or later. He is in overdrive –he is too tired to sleep. There is no way he can just relax and fall asleep with his own body sabotaging him.
Sasuke needs a distraction.
Slowly he turns around on the bedroll to look at his old teacher. For a while Sasuke simply watches Kakashi who is sitting there by the fire, lost in his book, one hand playing with his hair, weaving a lock around his fingers. Kakashi is light hair and long legs, swift, strong hands and lean lines in a familiar slouch. He is deep laughter and sarcastic comments – a deadly assassin hidden behind the cover of a tardy, lazy jounin forced into babysitting children.
As Sasuke studies Kakashi, the fire casts dancing shadows on the jounin's face and gives Sasuke a clue of how the features under the dark mask might look like. It's not a bad picture.
During the years under Orochimaru Sasuke grew from a thirteen-year-old boy to a young man of the age of nineteen. As time passed and he matured both mentally and physically, even Sasuke – despite his lack of interest in people altogether – had suddenly found himself looking at them. And so, between the nightmares of his family and brother and the pleasant, longing dreams of Konoha and his makeshift family of Team 7, there had been nights full of need and dreams of skin on skin. Sometimes it had been Naruto's tanned and whiskered face hovering over him, sometimes it was someone from his teams from the Sound, and sometimes the dreams hadn't borrowed anyone's face.
Sasuke glances at Kakashi through his lashes, his eyes just barely open, to hide his apparent staring, and remembers the dreams where it had been this man's voice that made his bones ache at night.
After that it's alarmingly easy to see Kakashi as a man instead of the teacher he has always been.
And then there is no going back.
Sasuke bites his lip. This is going to be awkward no matter how he goes for it. In hindsight, this whole thing would probably have been ridiculously easier if Sasuke hadn't pissed off the very man only hours before.
Sasuke raises himself to lean on his elbow and spends a good while trying to find a comfortable position. In the cast-off sweater too big him, especially now that he is just skin and bones after a good two weeks of not eating, with his hair messy and eyes bloodshot, it feels ridiculous to even think of pretending to be anything he is not and so he just calls Kakashi by his name.
Something in his voice must have been off because Kakashi turns his mismatched eyes at him, leaves his book at the rock where he was sitting and walks over to him without further prompting.
Sasuke opens his mouth only to realise he has no idea what to say. He has never done anything like this before and it scares him, not being in control of the situation. But his guilt haunts him and if this is something he has to do to just forget everything for a few hours, then he will.
Kakashi folds his long legs under himself and sits down next to Sasuke.
"Could you do me favour?" Sasuke blurts out and then wishes he hadn't said those exact words because they make him think of another favour in that tavern a few weeks back, and it's not exactly helping in this situation.
Something shifts in Kakashi's eyes.
"It depends," he says, repeating his own answer back at Sasuke, all of his earlier anger gone. "Is it anything like the first one?"
A weight falls of Sasuke's shoulders because Kakashi knows what Sasuke wants and saves him from saying it out loud. Sasuke can only nod, wondering if Kakashi has been in this situation himself during the long years he has been a shinobi.
"I just need not to think for a while."
Sasuke straightens himself and fidgets with his fingers for an embarrassing second before he raises a hand to the man's mask. Kakashi doesn't stop him – he just keeps his eyes on Sasuke, silent, and Sasuke feels unsure, because he never thought they would end up here.
He curls his finger under the mask and gently pulls it down. The face under it is somehow both achingly familiar and completely foreign. A straight nose, a pair of thin lips and a faint whisper of a tan line dividing the face in half. And then there is the familiar dark scar over the left eye that runs all the way down Kakashi's cheek past his mouth.
The white stubble feels rough under Sasuke's fingers as he studies Kakashi's face with his fingertips.
Sasuke leans in closer, slowly, taking his time. He appreciates it more than he can ever say that Kakashi lets him move in his own pace, letting him decide what is enough. Sasuke presses their lips together almost experimentally, placing his hands on the older man's shoulders for support. Kakashi tastes like salt, and when he kisses Sasuke, he goes for it like someone who knows what he is doing, carefully taking the lead from Sasuke.
All too soon Kakashi ends the kiss and pulls slowly back from him, his eyes both honest and unreadable at the same time.
"I need you to know that we can stop this anytime you want. You just have to say so. I don't want you to feel like I'm taking ad – " he tries to say, serious, but Sasuke is already moving in for another kiss, now more certain that this is what he needs – and with every second he is surer that this is what he wants.
Kakashi doesn't seem to mind the sudden change in their relationship either, as he pulls Sasuke closer so that Sasuke ends up nearly sprawled on his lap. Sasuke crams his knee awkwardly against the ground to keep himself in balance as he moves into a better position, and soon his fingers wander into tangling themselves into the surprisingly long and silky hair.
When the kisses get deeper and deeper and a fire is set alight in the pit of his stomach accompanied with an almost uncomfortable warmth between his legs, the whole thing turns into a battle of a kind. Sasuke fights with his lips, tugs the light hair, bites into the skin tanner than his own and scrapes the back bent over him when Kakashi spins them around and Sasuke ends up on his back on the thin bedroll. Impatient, he tugs the gloves off Kakashi's arms, his mouth traveling from Kakashi's pale neck over his shoulder to the red swirl of a tattoo on his left arm. That position is difficult for him and he returns soon to claiming Kakashi's mouth with his own, wrapping his legs around the man's lean waist.
Battling is something Sasuke understands, something he knows how to do. He knows just how strong and dangerous this man above him and he realises that's what makes this work. Strength and skill are things he can admire, and Kakashi has proven to possess both. That had led to Sasuke accepting him as a teacher years back and now he accepts the man in this new role – he knows that Kakashi is one of the very few he would ever think of asking this.
Kakashi pulls back a little, straightening up on to his knees, and Sasuke follows him, rising up to lean on his elbows to watch as Kakashi removes his armour. The metal parts clang against the ground, and Sasuke is more than happy to run his fingers under the skin-tight underclothes, over the soft skin and the delicate white hairs on the other man's lower stomach.
He is pressed on his back, still wearing Kakashi's oversized sweater that now pools around his hips, because despite the fire and what they are doing it's cold there in the cave. Kakashi bends over him, their hips touching as he presses kisses down Sasuke's neck and his stubble tickles Sasuke's skin.
When Kakashi spends too much time just teasing him, only a ghost of a touch of mouth playing against his jawline and agile fingers just barely there to run over his thighs, Sasuke yanks him closer by his shirt and crashes their mouths together, his hips trashing against the firm form of the man. Maybe he is too eager, too hasty because Kakashi stops what he is doing to hold him down for a second.
"Easy," he breathes into Sasuke's ear, voice husky and gruff, a hint of laughter in his words, "there's no hurry," and that doesn't really help at all, because Sasuke's own breath hitches under the touch of calloused fingers as they press against his inner thighs.
And despite Sasuke thinking of this as fighting at first, them coming together is not violent and there isn't one moment when he doesn't feel safe. It is obvious that even though Kakashi kisses him just as vigorously as Sasuke kisses him, wants him as much as Sasuke wants him right then, Kakashi puts him first in this situation. It's all about Sasuke and he doesn't come to understand how gentle Kakashi is with him that night until only much later.
He comes with another mouth pressed against his own and strong, warm hands pressed against his cold hips under his shirt, and for that one blissful moment he sees nothing when he closes his eyes.
Afterwards, in the cosy warmth of the fire and with a strong body lying next to him, Sasuke closes his eyes and breathes. He hears his own heartbeat, still rapid and excited and only just now starting to calm down. He can feel the heart of the man curled around him pulsing against his chest, the rhythm so steady Sasuke almost forgets himself into listening to it. In the dancing firelight Kakashi's silvery hair seems pure white as it fans against the cloak they use as a pillow and Sasuke's own longer, black locks mix up with it. He snorts at himself when he finds himself getting sentimental over the contrasting black and white. The heavy arm around him squeezes him tighter at the sound, and he can picture Kakashi smiling at him, his face hidden against the fine, sweaty hair of Sasuke's neck.
Kakashi's skin smells like home.
Sasuke knows that Kakashi won't sleep tonight – he'll stay awake and guard their camp for the night. Sasuke figures that Kakashi will soon get up, as he's only resting his eyes and catching his breath for a moment. But right now, Sasuke enjoys the rare moment when he, for the first time in years, feels utterly and completely safeand even though he knows that the agony of brother's fate will torment him again tomorrow, he will allow himself to forget now.
And he sleeps.
o0o
Sasuke wakes up to a rustling sound somewhere on his left and tries to figure out where he is yet again. He blinks his eyes open, stares at the rocky ceiling of the cave in confusion and then turns his head around to spot Kakashi packing his things, fully clothed and the mask back in place. He is humming something to himself, a tune that seems familiar but Sasuke can't quite remember its name.
A glance outside tells him that the sun has already risen hours ago. Then Sasuke registers that the sweater – that at this point smells quite pronouncedly like sex – is the only thing he is wearing, and there is only a thin blanket covering his legs. The memories of last night start slowly dropping back into his head as he watches Kakashi move silently around the cave, collecting his things and putting out the fire. Deciding not to dwell on the mental pictures too much, Sasuke goes for his own now-dry clothes next to the bedroll with his hand, and on that exact moment Kakashi decides to notice that he is awake.
"Well, shit," is the first thought that goes through Sasuke's mind as Kakashi's eyes meet his own. He grips the yukata he managed to grab into his hands and holds it against his chest, unconsciously trying to cover himself although he does have the sweater on – as if hiding behind clothes would do him any good after last night – but Sasuke doesn't really care because he feels naked and cold and his former teacher is looking at him funnily.
"What?" he blurts out, not appreciating the twinkle in Kakashi's eyes right now.
"Nothing."
There is the smile he remembers from his genin days, Kakashi's eyes shut in arcs as he silently laughs at Sasuke's bewilderment and possibly his bad case of bed hair. But Sasuke is too busy with hunting down his clothes to worry about Kakashi and his problems.
After Kakashi chivalrously turns his back to him without Sasuke asking to, Sasuke parts with the borrowed sweater with mixed feelings and pulls on his own clothes. The yukata customary to Otogakure isn't that suitable for the climate of the Land of Snow, he notes again as he tries to hide his shivering and grits his teeth in frustration.
He is, once again, hit in the face by the sweater and Sasuke curses colourfully out loud, turning to glare at the person guilty of this, because this is becoming a habit and he doesn't like it one bit.
But Sasuke doesn't get the chance to complain as Kakashi walks all over him again.
"Keep it, I have my cape. I won't have you dying of cold after all the trouble I had last night trying to keep you sane."
Sasuke gapes at him, willing his mouth from hanging open because the asshole is joking about last night. Sasuke squints his eyes at Kakashi when he starts laughing.
"You're a bastard."
He collects the few things he has and helps Kakashi to put away the bedroll. Sasuke watches him, studying the familiar way he moves as he checks the cave for the last time. Then his former teacher comes to stand next to Sasuke. After all these years Kakashi is still taller than him.
"Sasuke?"
Sasuke hums at him, an affirmative sound from deep his throat. Kakashi takes his time before he continues, watching the clouds at the now bright sky.
"I don't regret last night if you don't," he says slowly, drawing out the words as he speaks and finally turns to look at Sasuke. "But I think we should leave it as it is, a one-night thing, and move on from there. If that's alright with you?"
Kakashi makes it easier for him than he deserves and Sasuke feels almost guilty as he nods back at him, swallowing the words of gratitude he doesn't know how to express.
"Sure," he breathes out and looks back at Kakashi. A little bit overgrown hair falls over Kakashi's eyes, almost hiding the familiar scar, and when such a defining feature of him disappears, Sasuke has a hard time recalling the details of the face behind the mask. The cave was dark last night and full of swaying shadows, and frankly, he was busy with other things at the time to fully imprint such things into his memory.
"So we're fine?" Kakashi asks, his thoughts already elsewhere as he drapes the white cape over his shoulders.
"Yeah," Sasuke answers without thinking. He crosses his arms over his chest, the dark sweater still hanging in his left hand, and shifts his weight from one foot to another.
"You know," Kakashi starts again, stopping in mid-motion to turn to look at Sasuke, "I am sorry for letting you go. And letting you down. I should have been a better teacher for you."
"You should have," Sasuke answers, meeting Kakashi's eyes head-on, holding his chin high.
A sad smile appears on Kakashi's face as his shoulders sag down, defeated.
"So what are you going to do now?" he asks, his head tilted to the side, the night he spent up now showing on his face as dark circles under his eyes. "When should we expect you to come to blow us up?"
When he puts it like that, even Sasuke has to snort at his plan of destroying a whole shinobi village on his own.
"It won't be a surprise if I tell you now," he smirks at Kakashi who flashes a tired smile at him.
Sasuke shakes his head.
"I don't honestly know what I'm going to do," he admits, swinging the sweater in his hand. "The moment I had lived for for a decade has come and gone. I never thought what would come after killing my brother – I thought I would die as well and yet here I am."
"I know the feeling," Kakashi answers, a deep, old hurt passing in his eyes and Sasuke wonders once again what he has been through in his lifetime.
"Revenge is the only thing I have ever known."
Kakashi looks at him again and takes a deep breath.
"If you can't let go of it, be at least smarter than the ones you want to take down. The Elders and Danzou are responsible for eliminating your clan, not the people of Konoha. Why don't you try to beat them in their own game?"
"What do you mean?" Sasuke asks, not shooting down the idea just yet.
Kakashi doesn't answer that question – instead he takes a step closer and lays his hand carefully on Sasuke's shoulder.
"We – Naruto and Sakura and I – we hope that someday you'll come back to us. And that when that day comes, you haven't done something that would prevent it."
"Like killed the head of the village? Is that what you mean?" Sasuke asks, one dark brow raised, a grin gracing his lips.
"Maybe," Kakashi smiles back at him. Then he lowers his voice and lets his hand fall from Sasuke's shoulder. "You still have a home with us, if you want it."
Sasuke blinks, swallows whatever emotions that declaration manages to raise, and kicks the powder snow at his feet.
"Where are you going from here?" he asks without intending to do so, changing the subject to something more comfortable and less likely to make him cry, and pretends to be all nonchalant about it. Kakashi raises an eyebrow at him, and Sasuke swears at himself because of course Kakashi would notice.
"Back to Konoha. My mission is over and now I'm late due to running into some old friends," Kakashi chimes with a smile in his voice.
"You're always late," Sasuke grunts when he comes up with nothing else, reverting back to his genin days. Kakashi laughs heartily at that and ruffles Sasuke's dark hair as he steps outside.
"Do try to take care of yourself," he smiles and leaves Sasuke behind, his white cape soon disappearing into the snow-covered forest around the cave.
Sasuke tightens his grip on the thick, surprisingly heavy sweater he is holding in his hand. He is already feeling cold and it has nothing to do with him being left alone – or so Sasuke tries to tell himself. After a few seconds of stubbornness and a freezing gust of wind, he gives up and pulls the sweater on. He must look hilarious with it hanging loosely over his white yukata – but who is there to see him?
Sasuke tugs the annoying piece of clothing better on himself, goes over his mental checklist of his weapons and when he is satisfied that he has everything with him, he buries his face a little deeper into the collar of the warm sweater and steps out of the cave, starting to plan the one thing he knows best – revenge.
