Guest *shocked gasp* Legolas a Mary Sue? Whatever gave you that idea, his utter indestructible-ness or pretty hair?
Guest I wouldn't be surprised if the Old Dwarf drank some of it in childhood. I mean, come on a gulp or two couldn't hurt. ehehe Some loophole there, maybe Bilbo is so special no one ever sees him, especially after the elves drink wine.
Part III
It's a bright and shiny morning when Thranduil and Bard decide it's a good idea to ride within an arrow shot of a dwarf crazed with gold. So, Thorin shoots them, but misses.
The arrow makes a nasty clang against the ground that doesn't get along with a hangover plus the sharpened elven senses. Thranduil makes a face that gets mistaken by Thorin for a smirk.
Bard: Thanks for settling your debt with us with the shiniest rock from your mountain. Since we're way nicer than you deserve, we're willing to trade it for the stuff we want.
Thorin: Do you mind throwing that arrow back? It's not yours. You must have dreamt up some rock and your dreams sure are dull.
Bard shows him the Arkenstone.
Thorin: Pffff! I've made better fake copies when I was five years old. Do you think I wouldn't recognise the King's jewel?
Bilbo: *cough cough* Uhm... maybe not? It's real after all. I gave it to them.
Thorin: Throw him off the wall!
Wall: What am I, a garbage dispenser? Why is everything thrown down me all the time?
Gandalf in his scary voice: Haven't you mother taught you better manners than throwing things off the wall?
Thorin lets go of Bilbo who uses this chance smartly to get away.
Thranduil: Are you going to trade or cry all day?
Thorin: My cousin will make you cry.
A rather impressive dwarf army appears with a bearded guy in charge who is riding a hog. The hog looks at Thranduil's hair and wonders whether he'll be allowed to eat the straw after the fight.
Thorin's Cousin: Would you mind if I smash your head with a hammer unless you let me pass?
Thranduil: Would you mind if I weave daisies into your beard unless you go home to your mother?
Neither thinks those insults were particularly witty, so the elves and the dwarves decide to kill each other.
Earth-eaters: Surprise!
Big Orc: Do the signal!
Signalling Orc: Happy Birthday?
Big Orc facepalms: Just pull that rope!
Signalling Orc: Oh right, right, right.
Orcs: Time to kill everyone!
The dwarves completely ignore the fight they've almost started, like there isn't a chance the elves would stab them in the back, and hurry off to kill some orcs.
Gandalf: Bilbo, you sure are standing in a wrong place.
Bilbo: In the middle of a huge battlefield?
Gandalf: Nope. On my foot.
Thranduil: I can't care less about this fight. WAIT... did those orcs trample my favourite daffodils on the way here? CHARGE!
There is a huge fight going on and Bard has misplaced his family again. So, he's running around looking for them.
Some woman: I've seen them at the marketplace getting mauled by a troll.
Bard grabs a cart and pushes it down the hill to get there faster. He performs a cool trick where he nearly runs over his kids with the cart and then stabs the troll dead.
Bard to his family: You should be hiding!
Alfrid who knows every letter in the book about hiding: I heroically volunteer to help everyone run for shelter! And it's not like I don't plan on rejoining the fight or anything.
Bard: Right...I'm not sure you were in the fight in the first place, but go ahead.
While no one is impressed with Alfrid's fighting, everyone is impressed with the dwarves and elves fighting. Everyone is having a totally awesome fight. Everyone loves the epic Reindeer!
Random Orc9979 to Orc14114: Why is the Tooth Fairy angry?
Thranduil: I'm not a... never mind. I was going to cut off your head anyway.
A random elf shoots the Orc9979 and it dies. Thranduil pouts.
Random elf: Oh poop. I'm so demoted.
Meanwhile, Thorin is going nuts.
Gold: Mwahahaha! Mwahaha!
Thorin: Shut up already. I don't even like you.
Gold: Do too!
Thorin: Do not!
Gold: Do too!
Thorin: Do not!
PJ: CUT!
Thorin: Ha! I win!
Kili: If I don't kill some orcs NOW, I'm going to stage a mutiny!
Thorin: Then, we better kill some!
Dwarves: Awesome!
A giant bell impressively smashes down the barricade and the dwarves heroically run outside to face the orcs. Although, Thorin's and his cousin's hugs are nice, their plan 100% sucks. The orcs are so not going to run away since they still outnumber everyone 500 to 1.
Luckily, the goats have a better plan.
Goats: Hey guys, how about we take you up that mountain and you kill the head orc?
Thorin: Deal!
The fight isn't going so well for the good guys anymore. The women figure that they'll be dead anyway and start grabbing random objects to fight the orcs.
Alfrid: Carry on, everyone! I'll do the most important deed and save the gold!
Legolas arrives in the middle of the fight.
Leoglas to Gandalf: I know it's your job to bring the bad news, but there's another orc army coming and they're heading for that tower.
Bilbo: Ack! It's not like Thranduil will help or anything. I better go tell Thorin that he and the goats are about to walk into a trap.
He's so right. Alfrid isn't the only one who is planning to bail on the fight.
Thranduil to his general: Have we avenged the daffodils?
General: Yup.
Thranduil: Let's get out of here.
Tauriel: I'll just threaten to kill you because I have a bow and I think I know better than you what's good for everyone.
Thranduil impressively cleaves the bow in two with a polished sword that could have been very useful later on for Tauriel to shoot a real ugly orc that planned to kill her bf.
Thranduil: How rude. Why is everyone trying to stick arrows into my face today? Maybe I should kill you for being so impudent.
Legolas: Yeah, go ahead, dad. It's not like I'll hate you for the rest of my life or anything if you kill the love of my life. Anyway, it would have been better to have the elven army, but I guess I'll go kill the other orc army all on my own.
He and Tauriel hurry off to save the dwarves who really are in big trouble because the Big Orc has just thrown Fili off the cliff. The audience shares a shocked gasp and then cheers for Kili to take on the second orc army all on his own to avenge his brother.
Whelp, good luck to you, Kili, in the next chapter, though this one was kinda a spoiler.
