Disclaimer: I am not the legal owner of Harry Potter nor am I the owner of anything that is written in the Harry Potter series.

Chapter Three


Roxanne picked me up from St. Mango a couple of days after her post-Lysander-dumped-you visit. She rented a muggle car and decided, very bravely, to drive me and the baby back home to Godric's Hollow. If you are wondering why not just use a portkey, apparate or using the Floo network, my answer would be try to do any of these with a week old baby.

She took me home, that is the one I had with Lysander, to pack some things. I had heard nothing from him in the meantime. I was still stumbling around in a grief-stricken daze. There were moments where I still couldn't believe it happen. I was trying to remember everything he said to me but it seemed like a dream. I do remember the feeling. That sick feeling that something was very wrong.

For the most part I was trying to evade that feeling of loss that I couldn't get rid of. It would creep in and won't let go until it has taken over every bit of my mind that wasn't occupied. It was brutal. I was knocked back and was out of breath.

I hated it and it hated me back.

It had to, to hurt so much. That's why I can't remember how I spent those couple of days in the hospital.

I do remember being relieved every time they brought the baby. I just couldn't imagine my life without her.

"It's just you and me, darling." I whispered to her one night while feeding her. Perhaps the fact that we both had been abandoned by the same man probably sped up the mother-daughter bonding process. Nothing like a crisis to bring people together.

She was so tiny, like a doll but real. She had tiny feet, arm, nose, lips and I couldn't get enough of stroking the delicate skin of her tiny face wondering what color her eyes were going to be.

She was so beautiful, so perfect, such a miracle.

I didn't believe it when they said I'd feel an overwhelming love for my child but Merlin, it is intense. I finally understand why my grandmother and namesake did what she did for my Dad. I would kill anyone who so much as touched one of the blond wispy hairs on her soft little head.

I could understand Lysander leaving me, ok maybe I couldn't, but I really couldn't understand how he could leave this amazing, perfect little child.

She did cry a lot. But so did I so I can't really complain, can I?

"Why is she crying?" I asked the medi-witch after the fifth time I fed her and checked her diaper.

"She's a baby," she said. "It's what they do."

Three years of Healer School and that's the best she can come up with? I was not convinced.

Maybe she was crying because somehow she sensed her Dad had abandoned her. My paranoia transferred to my infant child. Not even a week old and she already shows signs of her mother's psychosis. Great.

Roxanne, baby and I arrived home. As I let us into our flat, and even thought Lysander told me he was moving out, I wasn't prepared for the bare spaces in the bathroom, the wardrobe, there were even gaps in the bookshelves.

It was so awful.

I sat down on our bad and grabbed his pillow. It still had his scent. And I missed him so much.

"I can't believe it." I sobbed to Roxanne. "He's really gone. He's really left me." on cue, the baby started to cry also, as she too felt the emptiness. It was only five minutes later that I managed to calm her down.

Poor Roxanne looked helpless. She didn't know which of us to comfort first.

"I promise I won't be like that while we drive home," I said as took a deep breath. "Come on," I sighed. "I'd better pack."

I started throwing things into a baby bag before Roxanne stopped me and with a swish of her wand everything was neatly folded and pressed inside numerous bags. I flung into another bag a couple of feeding bottles with pictures of flying hippogriffs (I decided not to breast feed my baby fearing I'd suffer from "shrunken and saggy tit" syndrome – sue me why don't you), I added a few extra pacifiers, toys, rattles, little socks and a stuffed dragon.

As I was now a single parent I knew I was obviously overcompensating. "I'm sorry dear, but because I wasn't smart or beautiful enough I've deprived you of your father who preferred our downstairs neighbor. But let me make it up to by showering you with material goods and suffocating you once you hit puberty." I stuffed a few of my dresses inside a bag, although I didn't know why I bothered with them, it's not as if they fit me anymore. I was a heifer, albeit a small heifer but a heifer nonetheless. I felt as if they whispered and elbowed each other "Does she really think she is able to squeeze into us? That fat cow! Small wonder her husband ran off with another woman, look at the size of her!"

"I think it's time we go." I said to Roxanne. "The baby will fall asleep soon and I want to be there before dinner."

"You know, you can't keep calling her 'the baby'," Roxanne said, once we got to the car. "You're going to have to give her a name."

"I can't think about that just now," I said, I was starting to feel a little panicky.

"But what have you been doing for the past nine months?" Roxanne sounded a little shocked. "You must have thought of some names."

"I did." I said, I took out of my bag my engagement and wedding rings, I put them inside during the packing. I took them off two months ago when my finger got so swollen and fat I couldn't wear them. I jammed then onto my finger and they just about fit me.

Roxanne gave me a funny look.

"I'm still married to him." I said defiantly. We were still hoisting the bags into the car's trunk when I sensed I was being watched. I turned around and almost passed-out on the street.

"Oh, Merlin," I said ominously.

"What?" asked Roxanne, her face red and sweaty from carrying the bags.

"Amanda's husband." I muttered.

"So what?" she said loudly.

I was expecting some a sort of horrible, loud, and very emotional scene from him. Or maybe I was afraid he'd come over and blame me for being such a terrible wife that my husband had to replace me with his. I was also expecting him to come and suggest we'd go and shag silly as a payback. I didn't want any of these options.

My eyes locked with his and we exchanged a small nod. I began to cry as soon as he entered the building. For once my baby wasn't.

Roxanne started the engine and off we went. Is this how a refugee feels? Is this how Lysander felt a week ago when he moved out? I looked out of the car's window. My husband was there, in London, somewhere. My flat, my friends, my life was somewhere. I had been very happy there.

I had been lots of things in my life. I had been Lily the Second, Lily the baby, Lily the youngest, my cousin Lily, my baby-sister Lily, Lily the First Year, Lily the Chaser, Lily the Prefect, Lily the Head Girl, Lily the Girlfriend, Lily my Love, Lily my wife. And here I was Lily, the deserted wife and mother of one. It did not sit comfortably with me, that I can tell you.

I was starting to feel the bitterness gather and overflow me. I turned to the baby, napping in the back seat.

"You're father is a bastard." I whispered to my child.

Roxanne snorted, she must have heard me.

Four hours later we entered the small village of Godric's Hollow. It looked so different from the view of London we had just left behind. As I looked at gray mist over the muggle farmers green fields, I felt almost serene. The country always helped me calm down. But once we reached a big house at the end of the village I realized something. I had never felt worse. I felt like such a failure.

"Welcome home!" Mum and Dad rushed over to the car as soon as Roxanne parked. They looked small and older than the last time I saw them. Even though it was only less than a month I still felt very guilty. Both in their fifties, Mum and Dad took some time off from work this summer and decided to spend it home with their grandchildren. Right behind them, said grandchildren appeared. Now when I mean grandchildren I mean Teddy and Victoire's young girls. Abby was about to begin her sixth year this fall and Tess was to start her fourth year.

"Oh thank God," my Mum said when I stepped out of the car. "I was worried you'd come at night."

"I'm sorry," I said, and burst into tears as soon as she wrapped her arms around me. Dad freed the baby from the seat and held her. I really should give her a name soon.

Abby and Tess cooed over the baby, Roxanne shook her head and with a flick of her wrist and a swish of her wand mine and the baby's belonging hovered into the house, all of us stringing along behind them.


SnowFlakeGinny!