Chapter 3 – I need those!
The corridor lights flickered on and off alarmingly, that was the least of their problems. Lister and Rimmer had skirted around two different sets of scutter units that seemed intent on altering Listers lower limbs by at least 2ft. "Smeg, the doors locked." said Lister slamming his fist on the pad.
Rimmer looked alarmed, his eyes darting madly around the corridor. "Try it again!"
Lister pressed the pad and still nothing happened. He flicked on his walkie talkie and spoke into it. "Kryten, can you here me?"
The radio remained silent for a whole minute then a crackle then relief the clear tones of Kryten came through. "Sir, are you alright? Over"
"Yeah, our path is blocked by a security door at junction 24." Lister scanned the wall for further information. "Deck 204 corridors H - Over"
"Hang on a tick I'll see what I can do." replied Kryten from the other end.
Lister looked at Rimmer. "You alright man, how do you feel?"
"How do I feel, oh just chipper Listy, fantastic in fact." replied Rimmer sarcastically
"Really?"
"No of course not, at any moment I might start raising my arms and talking in one syllable or less."
Lister raised his hands in defense. "Ok calm down."
"Calm down, we are on a ship millions of years into deep space with a ships computer that now has even less IQ than a goldfish. Lister if I get any calmer I think I might have to go for a NAP!"
Behind Lister the door whooshed open and Lister smiled. "See Kryten sorted it." he puts the Walkie Talkie to his mouth. "Cheers Kryters old bud, the doors open now."
Krytens voice came over the airwaves. "Oh that's great sir, but I didn't open it."
Rimmer gulps. "If Kryten didn't open it, who did?"
Lister steps through the now open door. "I don't know but I don't want to stick around here to find out."
Location: Hologram Suite
As Lister and Rimmer enter the Hologram Suite Lister puts his finger to his lips. "Shhh I think I can hear something."
Rimmer crayned his neck forward. "I can't, just sounds like a load of computers whirring away to me Lister."
"No man LISTEN." insists Lister
Rimmer stands there listening, his face screwed up tight in concentration finally he speaks. "Nope, nothing."
"Well there is definitely something smegging going on over there, behind that bank of terminals." pointed Lister.
Lister started towards the noise followed gingerly by Rimmer, both peered round the stacked up screens. There on a vid screen was Holly, still looking infected only now he is wearing a studded chock collar and a leash.
"Smeg Hol what is going on with you man." said Lister seeing his ships computer look like someone ready for a night down the CopaCabana bar.
A second vid screen flared into life and an image started to appear. Rimmer pointed manically.
"Look there, something else is coming." Said Rimmer his eyes widening with fear.
Lister turned to Rimmer. "Don't look man, just find the portable unit."
On screen a female face and upper torso appeared, her long blonde curls flowed down her neck to her ample bosom. "Hello Boys, is it play time?" came a voice that oozed sex.
Lister risked a look. "Oh smeg, it must be the Malls computer. Rimmer don't look she's trying to distract us.
Rimmer was staring at the image. "Can't help it, manly impulses taken over."
"Fight it man, keep looking for the unit!" screamed Lister.
"Oh boys, don't you like what you see, maybe you prefer this." The image on screen blurred and changed; now it was a smooth skinned well defined male grinning down at them. The new male voice much deeper tempted them. "Come on boys, I've got lots of toys we can play with."
"She is twisted." Shouted Rimmer from the far side of the room where he had impulsively backed away too.
"Must be the virus." shouted back Lister, the whirr of the computers seemed louder now.
The image changed again, now the male face remained but the large breasts had returned. "Maybe you want a bit of both boys?"
"Oh smeg, this is one messed up chick." Said Lister pulling open another cupboard.
"Aren't all the women we meet twisted?" shouted Rimmer who had stuck his head in a large locker to escape but instead found the unit they needed. "It's over here Lister." he called pulling his head out of the locker.
Lister crossed the room quickly and grabbed the portable hologram projection unit out of the locker. He checked it over, all looked ok, well as OK was, to a failed A level art student. He flicked the on switch and watched as the green power bar crept up. "Smeg it's only got half power, it will have to do. Rimmer you ready."
Rimmer was suddenly very distracted by something that was happening to his body.
The female head had returned and was smirking at him. "Mind if I borrow you Mr Rimmer?" she cooed.
Lister carried on checking the settings.
Rimmer suddenly clutched at his groin. "OH GOD NO, Lister HELP!"
Lister looked up to see Rimmer franticly patting his nether regions as if searching for something. "Rimmer there isn't time man!"
Rimmer stopped and was now starting to sob. "Lister she..." Rimmer paused "She has taken my tackle."
Lister turned to the digital female. "Leave him alone!"
A sickining smile returned Listers words. "Oh no I am just getting started with your Hologram, he and I are going to have such fun!"
Lister looked back to Rimmer. "Hang on man, here goes." He flicked the transfer switch to on, and watched as Rimmer started to fade out, but something was wrong, Rimmer was not fading fast enough and his image was flicking on and off as if being pulled to and fro.
Rimmers shrill voice echoed the room. "She's taking me Lister... H...E..L...P"
Lister grabbed the walkie talkie. "Kryten..Kryten?"
The speaker crackled into life. "Sir, whatever is wrong?"
"Long story Kryten, Rimmer is being taken by the Malls computer, who is mad. The portable holo unit is struggling to get him, I don't know what to do?"
A short pause then Krytens instruction came over the radio "Find a power cable and see if you can boast the power on the unit." replied Kryten.
Lister scanned the room, his eyes took a full 20 seconds to locate the power cable draped over the back of a chair. He made a grab for it. "Hang on Rimmer!" He plugged the cable into the unit and into a nearby power socket. The holo units lights increased in brightness and Lister crossed his fingers. Behind him the Mall computer screened in frustration. "Nooooo he's mine!"
"BING!" went the holo unit and next to the green bars was a number 1. Rimmer was no longer standing in the room, but Lister was sure he had him so he thumbed the air. "Got you!"
Next he picked up the walkie talkie and shouted into it. "NOW, KRYTEN NOW!"
All around him lights started to flick out, the Mall computers face franticly searched left to right. "What have you done?" she screamed.
Lister calmly got up faced her image and spoke softly. "I've turned you off lady, I've turned everything off!"
Well Well, things are getting interesting, your thoughts so far are always welcome.
NEXT TIME: Will Rimmer be whole or have a hole? Can they get Holly back to his normal less stupid self. Is the Cat ever going to get that new 100 or so suites that he so badly needs. Find out soon...!
