Warnings: AU to the nth degree.
Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.
Notes: I have nothing to say about the fic. But I do want to say thank you to the people who are following it and have been leaving me reviews.
Welcome to the Chicken House
by Fairady
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"Who'm I to turn down free therapy?"
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Hey, how ya doing? I'm Deadpool and I'll be kicking your asses tonight. Feel free to gnash your teeth and wail at will, but don't forget to fill out the "How's My Driving" form at the end of the night.
It's so good to be able to get out of the house and stretch my legs without having to worry about the kid. For being about all of five foot nothing she can be pretty intimidating when she wants to be, and she's on some cleanliness kick. Turned my righteous bachelor's pad into something presentable when I was away on my last mission, and now she expects me to keep it that way! Can't even make the slightest mess in my own home! Kid's on a mission from above or something. On the upside, it's never been so easy to find crap I never even knew I had.
You don't need to know who the kid is, I talked about that in the last chapter I narrated.
I really should've known better than to let a teenage girl into my pad. Talk about an impulse buy! And I can't even return this one to the store. Tried it already. She just walked back home and threw her shoes at my head. That's another thing I wasn't counting on with my sidekick. The teenage temper that gets worse on certain days of every month. Sure, it was funny at first, but that was before I taught her how to shoot. It was also before she figured out I really would heal just fine from a few bullet holes.
Ever made fun of a PMSing teen with a gun? Ow. They tend to aim in dirty, evil places. Like this! Hurts, doesn't it?
I child-proofed the house too, and that wasn't cheap. There's all these things you got to buy and hardware you need to put it in. I don't think it even worked. The kid keeps hooking things up the the outlets despite the plugs, and always gets the heavy duty pots out of the cabinets. Which is kinda embarrassing because I can't get those cabinets opened now.
Gotta be something to do with her mutant power, 's not like it does anything useful. Sure, the living vampire thing is totally cool, right up until she starts doing the Linda Blair impression. The speaking in tongues bit it awesome to watch, but I could really do without the pea soup bit. She's like a natural dead pool, except she doesn't need the surgery to get her upgrades. Stryker would've creamed himself if he'd ever met her.
Oh! Sorry, was that your arm? And rib and leg and- Well, I can't help it! Thinking about that asshole just gets me in a mood.
It's kinda nice having someone around. Never knew before how much I missed having someone actually talk back to me, because I can go on for ages like this but after a few years you start to run out of things to talk to yourself about. Could do without the melodramatic sighs and eyerolls when Golden Girls are on -she'll convert mark my words!- but she also occasionally makes dinner! Yeah, I could've kidnapped the mailman again for all of that, but the kid's better anyway. She only screams half as much as they do.
Anyway, nice as it's been, I've been thinking lately. Holed up with a crazy merc like me just isn't good for the health of a growing teenage girl. Not really good for the health of anyone actually. Looked around and I think I've found a place she can go. Or the place found me.
Do you know how freaky it is to have all the voices in your head go quiet all at once? It sucks and it also kinda hurts. Like worse than an ice cream headache, by at least a hundred. Think it hurt the other guy more though, because it only happened for about three seconds. Eh, something about my head being too fucked up so it was all email after that.
Hey! I know I'm fucked up in the head, no need to be insulting about it. You won't like me when I'm angry. I'll- Well, keep doing what I'm doing now. But I'll be angry about it!
There's a school out east somewhere. Some sort of haven for mutants I guess. Not really important what they are, it'd be good for the kid to hang around with other mutie teens. Become a well-adjusted semi-productive member of society or whatever it is kids do these days. The news says school shootings are all the rage now, so she's already ahead of the curve there!
You know, you guys are even better than therapy! You listen to all my problems and don't offer anything more than screams in return. My last therapist kept trying to get me to "face my issues" and "become a better person." Had to let the woman go when she tried to get me to forgive everyone who'd screwed my life up.
I'll forgive them, I am a forgiving guy after all. If by "forgive" you mean "stab in the back repeatedly."
The school looks good as far as I can tell. Don't really care about academics myself, but the place is set up like a small fort. Plenty of security there. Besides, it's run by Captain Jean-Luc Picard! With bonus mind-powers! How much cooler than that does it get? What do you guys think? Should I send the kid packing to those guys or not?
Dead already? Man, you guys suck!
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