Some of you were almost right with your guesses as to what is troubling Santana. This chapter reveals the truth.
Chapter 3: the truth is revealed
Santana's POV
I wake up with the most pounding headache ever. I can't even remember what happened last night but I'm sure I downed a whole bottle of wine by myself. I don't normally get drunk that often on just wine but because I haven't had alcohol in a few weeks, I was drunk within seconds.
"Morning babe" Brittany says cheerfully and I groan at how loud she sounds.
"Can you speak a little quieter please" I whisper.
"Sorry" she whispers back. "How did you sleep?" she asks.
"I don't know, I don't remember. All I know is I was drunk last night" I answer.
"You were tossing and turning in bed all night, did you have a bad dream or something?" she asks.
"Not that I know of" I say.
"Maybe you should just work from home today and have a rest in the afternoon" Brittany suggests.
"Yeah maybe" I say yawning.
"Do you want some breakfast made before I go to work?" she asks while getting out of bed.
"No it's ok, you get ready for work. I'll sort myself" I say and she nods before heading to the en suite for a shower.
It's not until I go downstairs to the living room and smell strong chemicals that I remember I was so drunk last night that I threw up. I'm just trying to think what else I might have did or said last night when I was so intoxicated. Oh my god please don't tell me I started talking about the…
"Hey what are you doing in here?" Brittany asks walking into the living room. "I thought you might still have been in bed trying to sleep your hangover off.
"No I wanted to get up and do some paperwork" I say. "I'm sure I left my work bag in here last night and I needed to get some things out of it."
"Oh right" she nods.
"I can smell the stain remover for the carpet in here, I threw up and left you to clean it up didn't I?" I ask.
"Well you didn't leave me to do it, I offered. You seemed to feel really bad about throwing up, you were crying and everything" she tells.
"Apparently I am a woman of many emotions when I'm drunk" I say with a small smile.
"You are, you go from giggly to energetic to crying and then back to giggling again" she says laughing.
"I could be worse, I could lap dance or pole dance like you when you're drunk" I say smirking. "I don't know the last time you were drunk and didn't lose your shirt."
"Hey you like it when I do that, don't pretend you don't" she smiles back.
"Sometimes I do I guess" I say. "So apart from throw up, what else did I do last night?" I ask, slightly nervous that I may have done something I didn't want to or said something I shouldn't.
"Well you tried to get me to dance but I managed to talk you out of it" she says and I suppose that's not too bad. "Then you started to sing me a song."
"Oh god I didn't sing children's songs again did I?" I ask, cringing slightly at the prospect that I did.
"No, you sang one of your own songs" she tells me and my eyes widen. "Trying to forgive it was called and I have got to say it sounded really emotional so I had to stop you half way through because you got so upset." Shit she was never supposed to hear that song. "What is it that you're trying to forgive?" she asks.
"I need to start getting some work done" I say picking up my bag and leaving the room.
"Santana, why are you changing the subject" I hear her ask as I leave.
"Look I need to get on ok so don't disturb me" I say when closing the dining room door. Sometimes I like to do my work in the dining room if I'm at home, it's got a bigger table than my desk and it's quite a peaceful room to be able to concentrate in.
I'm not exactly sure when Brittany left for work because I did tell her not to bother me but when I went to get some coffee from the kitchen at nine thirty she was already away. I felt kind of bad though, because she left me a sticky note saying sorry with an X at the end and had my thermos filled with coffee sitting by the note. I really don't want to hurt Brittany when I am so bitchy towards her, it just happens. I can't help feeling the way I feel and sometimes it's so bad I take all my anger out on Brittany and other times I'm able to forget for a while and be happy. For instance when my friends are here I'm not constantly reminded of everything that happened because I'm preoccupied but when I'm with Brittany and there is a silence all I think about is how messed up everything is.
I know it's making things worse not confronting Brittany about what I found out recently but I'm just not emotionally ready to talk about it. We grieved enough together for the first month but then last month when I found out the real truth all the heartache came flooding back. The way in which I believed the incident happened, didn't actually occur exactly like that. Initially I thought Brittany and I were going through the same pain together and then I find out that she could have prevented some of it, well at least I think she could.
I definitely don't want to blame Brittany for what happened but I definitely think things could have been different if she didn't do what she did. I don't know why she did it but I feel she should have knew better and knew what I would have wanted. There are days I think she did it because she loves me and there are days I think she did it because it was the easy way out but ultimately I'll never know until I ask and I'm not ready for that yet.
I was still so hung-over by mid-afternoon and I could barely eat any lunch so I decided to have a lie down and I'll just work longer tomorrow and get things up-to-date. Unfortunately having a quiet rest is proving harder than I thought, not only did the phone ring twice but I also can't seem to stay warm now. I keep shivering and I can't stop which is really weird because summer is less than two months away. Eventually though, I manage to fall asleep somehow.
"It hurts, it hurts so badly" I say crying uncontrollably.
"I'm here, everything is going to be ok. I know it hurts now but we'll get through it together" Brittany tells me. I know she means well but it's not helping.
"I don't want to feel like this anymore" I say through tears. "The emotional pain is worse than this physical pain" I manage to mumble out between hiccups.
"I know babe but I'm right here for you" she says hugging me tighter.
"Why did this have to happen to me? What have I ever done?" I say, tears still flowing from my eyes.
"You are a good person Santana, don't think you're not" she tells me.
"Then why did this happen to us?" I ask.
"I really don't know" she replies.
"You won't leave me because of this, will you?" I ask.
"Are you kidding, I am going nowhere babe. I am right here with you, I promise" she tells me.
"I love you so much" I tell her as tears start to roll down my cheeks again.
"I love you too" she replies.
"I'll do better next time" I tell her desperately.
"Babe what happened is nothing to do with what you did. You couldn't predict something like this happening so don't think you could have protected yourself from it" she tells me.
"No but before that maybe if I looked after myself more, the end result wouldn't have been so drastic. Maybe things wouldn't have been so severe you know" I say.
"Babe you need to stop torturing yourself because nothing could have prevented what happened" she tells me.
I wake up sweating and out of breath. As soon as I touch my face I can feel the tears flowing from my eyes. That was no nightmare; that was me months ago before I knew Brittany had lied to me. The whole thing has been haunting me constantly and I want to move on but nothing seems to be letting me. There is no way I am going back to sleep now, chances are I'll only have flashbacks of what happened if I dare close my eyes again. I think I will just go back to the dining room and continue working because it certainly will take my mind off everything. I managed to get quite a bit of work done before Brittany got home from her work and made dinner.
We're now sitting on the couch watching TV together after eating and I can't stop thinking about earlier with those flashbacks. I just wish they would go away and leave me alone.
"Don't touch me" I snap when I feel Brittany put her arm around me. Those flashbacks have made me very on edge and I don't feel like being close to someone.
"Sant…" she tries to talk but I cut her off.
"Just don't touch me please" I reply.
"But you're my wife and I just want to put my arm round you" she protests.
"Just don't touch me, I mean it when I say that" I snap.
"Ok, fine" she sighs.
"Just be glad I'm sitting with you on the couch watching TV" I say.
"Oh I'm so honoured" she says cheekily.
"Do you know what I'm out of here, I don't need to be sitting here right now" I say while standing up.
"Ah 10 minutes" Brittany mumbles.
"Excuse me" I say while standing frozen on the spot.
"You only lasted 10 minutes sitting next to me" she says.
"Can you blame me?" I enquire.
"Not really, I mean I'm a horrible wife aren't I so why should you want to sit with me?" she states. I sigh at her response because I don't know what she wants me to say. "I guess sharing a bed is enough for you" she says.
"Trust me I wouldn't even be doing that if I could" I reply.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she asks confused.
"I'd rather not share with you but it's my bed so why should I move?" I ask.
"One of these days I will get my real wife back" she says, ignoring my question. I can see a few tears slip from her eyes and as much as I hate it when she's upset, I know what she did to me was worse.
"Excuse me, this is me. The only way I might have changed is because of you so why don't you ponder that thought before saying I'm the bad person here" I say before storming out of the room.
We barely spoke the rest of the night and here I am this afternoon at my parent's house. I finished work half an hour ago but to be honest I'm too afraid to go home because I know Brittany will be there. Well I'm not afraid of her, I just don't want to deal with anymore arguments or talking about my feelings with her so I'm trying to make up excuses as to why I'm not home. Plus who doesn't feel better when they talk to their mom so that's also why I'm here.
"I didn't think I'd see you today, how are things?" my mom asks.
"Oh you know, no better really" I sigh.
"I'm not trying to be rude sweetheart but what Brittany did wasn't a bad thing, she did it for you" she says. "I don't understand why things have been so out of hand recently."
"It's because she lied about what happened, I thought the doctors did it because they had to. I didn't know there was ever a choice in the matter" I say annoyed. "Brittany made me believe they had to do what they did when they didn't necessarily."
"You're not listening to anyone Santana, I have tried to tell you why Brittany might have did it but if you refuse to talk to her about it then you'll never understand why she did it" my mom says slightly angrily.
"I'm not ready to talk to Brittany about it" I say, almost shouting because I am so frustrated.
"You are putting that girl through misery because she doesn't know why you're upset" my mom says. "She doesn't even know that you know about the conversation the doctor and she had but at the same time she doesn't see the significance."
"Well she should see it was a big deal and it is relevant" I snap.
"Brittany probably thinks what she did was the right thing that anyone would do so she won't understand why you hate her" my mom says.
"I don't hate Brittany, hate is too strong a word" I say.
"Why are you blaming Brittany for this?" my mom asks me.
"Maybe because it's partly her fault" I suggest.
"Whatever you think is her fault isn't and you need to talk to her" my mom says seriously. "I have really tried to understand Santana but what you're doing to Brittany is wrong. She doesn't deserve this treatment."
"I am your daughter, you're supposed to be there for me" I say close to tears.
"I am here for you, of course I am. It's literally breaking my heart seeing you like this and so upset" she replies, almost close to tears herself. "I just really think talking to Brittany will give you some understanding of why things were done" she tells me.
"She'll never understand" I state. I don't think anyone will understand the way I feel but that shouldn't mean I can't feel like this.
"Of course she will Santana. You just need to let her in" she tells me.
"I can't mom, everything has changed" I say.
"You need to see what a wonderful wife Brittany is and stop blaming her" she says.
"Of course I can't see how lovely Brittany is, I mean she is just great isn't she, so kind and caring huh" I say sarcastically.
"Everyone grieves in different ways but sometimes sweetheart, things seem to be going too far. You have to remember you both lost something that day and no matter what Brittany did, she was still heartbroken too" she tells me.
"Maybe this was a mistake coming here today, you obviously don't get it" I say. "I apologise mom for not being the daughter you wanted me to be, I'm so sorry that you didn't have Brittany as your daughter" I say while standing up from the table.
"Sit down!" my mom says sternly.
"I'm not a child or a dog for that matter" I say while glaring.
"Don't you dare talk to me like that" she says. "You are still my daughter so I will tell you what to do if I have to now sit down."
"Why?" I ask. "So you can tell me how perfect Brittany is?" I say.
"Santana you know I love and care for you. I always have and I always will" she starts off. "We used to have a great relationship and you know that but you have to see you're hurting everyone around you and that includes me and your dad. We are trying our best to help you through this heartache and I'll never know what it's like because I've never been in your position but I don't think you're being reasonable."
"I should be allowed to act how I want considering the emotional pain I'm in" I say.
"I know but surely you can see you're taking it out on everyone" she says.
"I don't know how else to feel" I say bursting into tears causing my mom to hug me tightly.
"I know sweetheart but tell me something, does it make you feel better taking your anger out on everyone" she asks and I shake my head because of course it doesn't. "I promise you Santana, the way you feel is the way Brittany feels so how would you like her to do that to you?" she asks.
"That's the difference though mom, things could be different now if she choose that option" I say crying.
"That might be what you think but Brittany felt she did the right thing so please stop blaming her because it really isn't her fault" she tells me.
"Mom I don't want to blame her but everything is telling me to" I say.
"I think you need to see someone Santana. I think you need to talk to a professional about how you feel because none of us seem to be helping you and it's tearing us all apart" she tells me.
Brittany's POV
I've made dinner for Santana and me but it went cold about an hour ago and I still don't know where Santana is because she hasn't come home. I'm really starting to get concerned now because she's not normally at work this late. I'm just about to call her phone when I hear the front door open.
"Oh there you are, I was worried sick" I say but all she does is shrug. "Dinner is a bit cold now but I could make us an omelette or something if you're hungry" I offer.
"I don't want anything to eat, I just want some rest" she tells me.
"Ok no problem" I say before Santana starts to walk upstairs. "Can I bring you a drink or anything?" I ask in case she's thirsty.
"No I don't want anything Brittany, leave me alone" she snaps.
"No" I say loudly which obviously surprised her because she turned around glaring at me and started walking back downstairs.
"You really know how to push my buttons Brittany" she says.
"I have had plenty of years of practice" I say before regretting it. I'm not a child so I don't know why I need to act like one, I'm sure there was a more mature response than that.
"You never know when to butt out of someone's business do you?" she says.
"What are you talking about?" I ask.
"It always has to be your way or no way at all isn't that right" she says cheekily.
"No that's not true. What gave you that impression?" I ask.
"That's the impression I get Brittany so tell me why you feel the need to include yourself in everything about my life, hmm" she asks.
"I don't want to come across smothering or anything so if you think that I'm sorry but I admit I do like knowing all about you since your my wife and I love you" I say slightly confused at what she means. Is it not obvious I like to know what's going on with her since we are married?
"There's taking an interest in your wife's life and there's being too overpowering" she says and I frown.
"I don't know where we're going with this" I say.
"The point is I want to have a say sometimes when it mainly affects me. I don't want you making decisions for me when it's not needed" she says and I agree.
"That's totally acceptable so if I keep doing that then tell me and I'll stop" I say.
"Look I just want to be on my own tonight so can you respect my wishes please" she asks.
"Of course" I nod. "I will say one thing, if I'm coming across differently lately it's only because I'm worried about you and I hate it when you shut me out. I know you want space but there is a limit and you've reached it. For weeks you have been off with me and it's becoming ridiculous" I say.
"Maybe I keep saying I want space because you're not actually giving me it when you say you will. I want to be alone tonight so that means don't even come in the room, it doesn't mean wait half an hour and come crawling into bed with me like you did the other week" she replies.
"So wait you're saying I need to sleep in one of our guest rooms tonight, I can't even come to bed" I ask.
"That's exactly what I mean" she says.
"Ok no problem but can you answer me one thing?" I ask and she nods. "Will we ever be the same again, I mean will you ever be able to talk to me about what's upsetting you?"
"I have no idea but right now there is no chance of me talking to you, I just can't" she says and now I'm getting pissed off.
"Santana why are you being like this me?" I ask angrily.
"Because I am ok" she states.
"No there is something going on and I don't like not knowing" I say. "Now tell me Santana, I mean it."
"Not everything is about you Brittany" she says cheekily.
"I didn't say it was" I answer. "I do need to know though if I'm fighting a losing battle. I mean I'm putting up with your behaviour just now because I'm scared I'll lose you if I say anything more but I'm worried I'm wasting my breath now and maybe I should tell you how this is making me feel" I say.
"I think you have said and done enough recently" she says.
"What do you mean by that?" I ask annoyed. She is the one that has been hurting me for weeks now.
"You did this to me ok, it is your fault I feel like this. Are you happy now?" she says angrily.
"Wait a second, what have I done?" I ask.
"You know what you have done" she snaps and I really don't know what I've supposedly done.
"Look I'm not going to lie, I don't know what I've done to deserve treatment from you so can't you help me here?" I say.
"I'm not ready to talk about it" she states.
"You keep saying that but I have no idea what you should be ready to talk about. You say you're not ready but what are you not ready for?" I ask.
"Let's just say I was talking to a few people recently and they brought quite a few things to my attention so I'm sorry if we're not in a good place right now but as far as I'm concerned you're lucky I'm still here" she tells me.
"Are you threatening to leave me?" I ask.
"You may think I'm hurting you right now but how the hell do you think I felt?" she asks. This is absolutely ridiculous now, I am so lost with what I've done it's unbelievable. I mean I'm supposed to have did something to Santana so this is why she's reacting so cold and bitchy towards me?
"Babe I hear you don't want to talk about it and I'm not trying to annoy you but for the love of God tell me what I have done" I demand.
"Don't speak to me like that!" she shouts.
"I am sick of your behaviour towards me so get a fucking grip and tell me what I did wrong" I say. My anger is getting extremely worse right now.
"Think about something you may have did that you haven't told me. Something life changing that happened about six months ago. You did something without consulting me so what could that be?" she asks.
"Santana I don't know what you're talking about" I say.
"I don't know how you can live with yourself knowing what you did to me" she says.
"As far as I'm concerned I have did nothing wrong to you" I say.
"Oh really" she questions.
"Yes, I haven't done anything" I say getting frustrated again. "I haven't done anything to hurt you."
"No you have hurt me, you've hurt me in a way I never thought you could" she shouts, catching me off guard a bit with her louder tone.
"Santana calm down babe" I say trying to defuse the situation.
"No, you killed my baby!" Santana screams. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that."
What does Santana mean by that? How could Brittany kill her baby? Let me know what you think.
