Disclaimer: I do not own Pretear.
Rated for: Gloomy thoughts.
Enjoy!
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Quit Playing Games
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Aftermath
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Darkness. Darkness and the extreme cold from the rock hard concrete were the first things that came to mind when I found myself mentally awake. Not yet physically, because my eyes were still tightly shut, but my mental state of awareness functioned just fine.At first, I did not understand why is it that my eyes did not budge to my command, but then realized that the dried tears I have cried sealed them both shut. That is when previous moments of earlier returned to me and my heart sank like a ton of bricks to the cold depths of the sea. I did not want to live, I did not want to think about what has come to pass, just bury myself alive then and there. What have I done?And what an idiot I am to have done that!
The probability of Goh spilling the news of the kiss from the previous day or hours was pretty high to me. Speaking of days and hours, what time was it? Ah, I did not care anyways. Why would a dying man worry about his time of death? And that is precisely what I wanted to do at the moment: die. Life was not only not looking up, it was looking way down. Even if I wanted to apologize to Goh and somehow make up a story of how accidental that kiss was, I doubt that would pass by him. He might look a little stupid to others, but I know for certain he is not a fool. No, he is the most wondrous person to ever walk this earth. He is everything, he is... Aggggg! Here I go again! This is not what should be occupying my thoughts right now. I must think of what I should do! Leave the country? Ha ha, only in my wildest dreams they would let someone like me out there alone without being overly suspicious about my age. After all, I do not want to end up at some orphanage. That actually does sound worse that my current problems!
My eyes are still sealed shut as I am contemplating my next move. I really feel like crying again so that my eyes might never open so that I may never face the discomforted nor the disappointed look that Goh will present me with. Oh how I wish to stay in this basement for eternity to forever suffer in my demise.
I wish for life to not be so difficult right now. I don't believe that any other thirteen year old has to deal with things like these. First, I'm confused over my attraction to men in general, and then Goh the "Mr. Fine" has to show up and mess it up even more for me. My confusion is beyond comprehension and I don't understand how any of this could have happened to me at all. Things used to be so much easier before I became a teenager. The memories of Hajime, Jin and I flooded though my mind and I wanted to drown in them. The beautiful, innocent memories before everything became so confusing and shameful.
Yes,at some point I must say that I feel ashamed of myself and what I have become. I am sure that Goh and all the other knights have so much trust and belief in me and all I am doing is crushing them with my perverse thoughts. Surely Goh is not even into men after all the skirts I have seen him around. There remains not a slightest possibility. In fact, his disgust from earlier must have been immeasurably great. He must have been so shocked, and that will also be the image left with him for the rest of his life: Me, Goh, the thirteen year old boy who is in love with him, kissing him and running away like a pathetic pup. When have I stooped to such a low level? The least I could have done is waited it out like a man and taken the rightful responsibility for my actions. But no, not even that have I done by showing him how disgraceful I am when running away.
I deserve neither his presence nor his forgiveness. Much less love! I never deserved that in the first place, even before my terrible actions. All I hold hope for now is that no one will even find me and I will rot away in this basement for eternity so that even rats will desert me. With those thoughts I shut off my mind and fell into my deepest sleep yet.
To be continued...
More darkness. Anyway, I hope everyone liked this chapter. It is a new addition after my five month writer's block. Thank you for your comments and your patience and I'll probably see you soon.
kisses,
mirage
