The Talk

Part 3

Well, the bathroom was flooded.

Prussia had never really realized how difficult it was to deal with little kids who weren't Germany until today. He hadn't even been the one trying to clean them and he'd gotten soaked.

Although not as soaked as France, who, by the end of the washing, looked as if he'd taken a bath as well. Canada had been easy to bathe, of course, as he'd sat quite still as France gently shampooed his hair and washed his body; he'd actually seemed to enjoy the attention, particularly as the older nation was crooning to him in French the entire time. The problem had been the little American colony, who had started playing with one of Germany's little toy boats, immediately declaring that they were stuck in a storm and he was the hero who had to rescue them.

And, since he had to do so realistically, he'd had to create the storm by splashing around to create waves in the tub. In the process, soaking France and the floor.

And then, once France had finally managed to keep America still long enough to wash him off and was just about to rinse them both with the showerhead, he was suddenly startled as Italy—who had been watching the proceedings with interest—suddenly jumped in to join them. Still fully dressed, of course.

And then Romano, still perched on Spain's shoulders, started whining and attempting to get down as well.

So France had finally given in, filling the tub with new water, undressing both of the Italians…or attempting to undress both of the Italians, Romano refused to let him touch him and stripped himself, dropping his clothing in the water for good measure…and then let the four children splash around in the water for a while.

Which meant they were getting started on their talk a lot later than anyone had planned, but at least the children all seemed to be happy now.

Italy was definitely excited, as he was seated next to Germany on the couch with a bowl of pasta in his lap. Germany's expression was rather unreadable, but he didn't look unhappy, so that was all right. America was sitting on the floor, playing with wooden blocks…building towers and then immediately knocking them down, obviously amused by the loud noise they made when he did so. And Canada was cuddling with his polar bear, watching France as he moved around.

Even Romano seemed in a better mood. He was now seated on Spain's lap, his sippy-cup refilled with tomato juice. And he seemed to actually be in feeling cuddly, as he was leaning against the nation's chest, watching the others through half-lidded eyes. Spain looked as he were about to burst from cuteness overload.

"All right, little ones!" France suddenly exclaimed, as he paused in front of the couch, dressed in one of Prussia's outfits, which was rather noticeably large on him. "Today, I am going to teach you all about the wonders of l'amour!"

Germany looked understandably nervous and like he really really just wanted to escape while his sanity was still intact.

"Now, l'amour is something marvelous that hopefully all of you will experience many many times in your life. With many people, including big brother France. Remember that. Big brother France is always ready for live demonstrations of anything that he mentions today. Now…" And here he set his hand on the tablecloth and then pulled it off with a flourish.

Germany immediately attempted his escape. Unfortunately for him, Prussia had been waiting for this and grabbed him before he'd even made it off the couch. "Hey, hold on. He hasn't even explained anything yet."

Italy suddenly raised his hand, frantically waving it around until France nodded toward him. Then he leaned forward, eyes intent on the flip chart that France had unveiled, along with a table of interesting brightly-coloured objects. "Ve~ France-nii. Why in that lady eating that man?"

"Ah, cher Italie, that is one way that you can express l'amour to someone. Now, in our discussion today, we're going to talk about the differences in how you show l'amour to a woman or man and a human or other nation. Now, Prusse and I are going to begin the explanation and then Espagne will…" And then he noticed that Spain wasn't paying attention.

As he'd followed Romano's example and fallen fast asleep.

"Antoine?"

"Hey, Tonio! Don't fall asleep on us!" Prussia exclaimed, as he walked over and smacked the other nation on the head.

Which woke him up. Along with the little nation curled up on his lap.

Who immediately began to fuss irritably at being woken up and not finding his sippy-cup magically refilled.

"All right," France returned to his presentation, determined that they get through this. As he knew England well enough to know that it was only a matter of time before he broke through the front door, thirsting for blood. "Now, can anyone tell me what this is?" he questioned, as he lifted up a small plastic package.

Germany was desperately attempting to tune him out by counting all of the cracks on the ceiling.

It was a desperate move that was not working.

Italy raised his hand again.

France was very pleased that he had such an interested pupil. "Yes, Italie?"

"Ve~ is it food?"

"Non, this is actually something very special that is used in order to help you express l'amour to someone. It's called a condom."

Italy frowned slightly, sad that he'd been wrong. France noticed the expression and walked over to pat the little nation on the head. "Don't worry, Italie. Soon you will know everything there is to know about l'amour."

"More juice!"

And they were interrupted again by Romano, who was hitting Spain again with his cup. Spain was starting to regret his bribery technique. He should've used something that was easier to get more of. "Lovi~ I don't have any more."

This did not sit well with the child, who just continued attacking him with the cup, demanding more juice.

"Hey, umm, Francis, can we pause here for a minute?" He questioned, attempting to protect himself with his hands. "Just so I can go out and buy Lovi some more tomato juice?"

Romano paused at this, glancing toward France, who sighed and nodded once. Knowing that he wouldn't be able to talk anyway if Romano was fussing.

And then there was suddenly a screech from the floor.

All three of the older nations jumped in surprise and then glanced down to see America, who had gotten bored with the blocks, attempting to tug Kumajiro from his little brother's arms.

"I want bear!"

"No, mine!"

"Who?"

"Mine!"

"Hey! Hey!" France hurriedly jumped down to separate them, grabbing America with one hand and Canada with the other. "Don't fight!"

Germany immediately saw his chance. He jumped down from the couch, running toward the front door, unlocking it, and throwing it open just in time to almost get kicked in the face by an enraged Englishman. Who thankfully noticed the little boy in time to stop himself from delivering a blow that would have shattered the door off its hinges.

"Ah, Ludwig…" He paused, the rage in his eyes dissipating slightly. Before returning as he heard France and Prussia's voices coming from the other room. Coupled with screeches from Canada and America. "Excuse me, Ludwig. I'm just going to murder France and possibly your brother."

Germany stepped aside quickly, closing the door and following the other nation toward the chaotic room holding everyone else. He should probably stay here. Just to make sure that Prussia didn't actually get killed.


A/N: This was a rather intense fail on the part of everyone. Oh no! Run Prussia! …France so deserves getting beaten up by an enraged Iggy xD

And I find it rather scary that Italy is the one who's actually paying attention to this. No! Italy, shield your eyes!