3: Hurt
Avalon tilted her head to the side as she watched Billy stand at the counter, waiting for his coffee to brew. She could tell him as many times as she wanted that coffee wasn't breakfast, he was thin enough, and he had to actually eat something, but it was no use. Whenever he was on one of his scientific benders—which happened more than he would admit—his diet was comprised of nothing but short bursts of sleep and massive amounts of coffee, the bags under his eyes giving away the work he was doing.
The work was always important though; something new created for the rangers' arsenal collection, upgrades on their work to make sure the power capacity could be raised, putting in long hours to put in as many adjustments to the Zords as possible. And as he had started to speak about recently, he was training himself—with Alpha's and Zordon's help—to decipher alien language in case the rangers were contacted by someone else. He was pushing himself as hard as she could and he knew it was because he hurt.
He was hurting in the way the other rangers had never had to deal with and hoped they would never see again. She could practically see the black hole he sank further and further into day by day. She wanted to reach out and grab onto him, to let him know she was there for whatever he needed. She had told him that, over and over again but she continued to watch him shut down with a simple 'I'm fine' or 'I'm over it'. She knew he wasn't over it. She could see it in his blue-green eyes, the way he would momentarily pause at pictures of his mother, how he would stare into space, and how he would fake a smile. Over time his smiles became more and more genuine but the hurt would never leave him.
Avalon was starting to think it was impossible to bring him back, to make him the same Billy he had been before. It was a silly though, she reminded herself. She hadn't been like her own true self since she had moved to Angel Grove. When she was younger, she was herself; she was happy, she knew everything was going to be okay, she had a home life she loved. Then it was ripped away by secrets and lies. But he and the rest of the rangers pulled her out of her perpetual anger and aggression and helped her get a new sense of what normal was. It hurt that he wouldn't let her do the same for him.
But that was the point of some relationships sometimes; give and take wasn't always 50-50 and she realized that quickly. She truly wanted to help him, wanted to show him how much she cared, how much she loved him…did she love him? She hadn't put much thought into it before. Avalon truly did feel a lot of feelings for Billy, much more than she originally anticipated and when she thought about it for too long she scared herself. Maybe she did love him. The question was did he love her, too.
That was another part that hurt, knowing she could give all of herself to him and he wouldn't be able to do the same for her. Trini was always going to have a part of his heart ant hat scared her even further. What if Trini could help him in more ways than Avalon could? What if when he finally opened himself up to someone about he was truly feeling it wasn't to her but to Trini? Then what was the point of being together? She didn't want to break up but she never allowed herself to be anyone's second choice.
Avalon wanted nothing more for them to be better, but to put aside her own feelings to do so hurt more than she thought; like a knife in the chest. It was the most painful kind of hurt she had ever experienced emotionally. Getting into her head so much, the same way Billy did. Maybe that was what they brought each other together; they were both lone wolfs in that kind of way, not wanting others to worry too much about what was going on in their personal lives. It was no wonder they gravitated towards each other. But they still lied about it and because of that they hurt each other.
It was a blessing and a curse.
Such a nasty feeling.
Every now and then she hurt too much to deal with her own problems. The problems she was always running from. It was easier to pretend it wasn't happening and pretended things were okay; thankful no one asked. She ran and hid; his from the truth, ran from the questions when they came up. Kat and Tanya were the only ones that didn't know about her past and she still hoped not to tell, just so she could keep running. She was tired of running but still did it. She understood why Billy did too. Maybe that's what was lessening the pain little by little; that they both understood.With a sigh, Avalon crossed her arms over her chest, turning her lips up into a smirk as the coffee finished and Billy poured it into a mug. "You need to eat something," she said.
"I have a protein bar in my lab," Billy said. He lifted the coffee to his lips and took a sip, looking down at Avalon as she placed her hands on her hips. "Fine." He reached over and picked p a piece of toast from her plate and took a bite.
With a smile, Avalon stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Billy's waist, leaning into his side, gently rubbing his back. Billy smiled back and held out the piece of toast to her, allowing her to move forward and take a bite herself. She wiped the crumbs off her lips with her thumb. "What are you up to today?"
"I'm running diagnostics on the Zords and determined by the results of those tests I will then facilitate the capacities the hydraulics will be able to handle while under certain pressures of battle," Billy explained before clarifying with, "Tests, tests, and more tests."
"Fancy an assistant?" Avalon asked.
"I'd love one," Billy replied.
And as Avalon looked into his eyes she could see some of the pain and hurt that continued to reside there. But it wasn't as evident this time around. Maybe she was helping his hurt after all.
