When I wake up I'm back in my room. I'm disoriented for a while, before I remember what happened. The gunshot wound in my stomach is still stinging, but it's not nearly as painful as before.
I blink against the strong sunlight, reflecting in the white walls in the room. It must be in the middle of the day.
"Tris?" says Dr. Ashford. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm not cold anymore", I mumble.
"That's great. We had to clean your wound and re-stitch it, but it should be fine now. You let me know if you need anything, okay?"
I nod, a little distant, since I just noticed Tobias sitting in the corner of the room, watching me intently.
As Dr. Whendy closes the door behind her, Tobias gets up and walks over to me.
"Tris", he breathes in relief, sitting down on my bed. "Why didn't you tell me you were feeling bad?"
"I… I wasn't…-"
"You were bad enough to have to go into surgery." Tobias interrupts, his jaw clenched.
"I wasn't feeling bad until I was", I continue. "And you weren't here."
He closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath.
"Tobias, I'm be fine", I say. "Really."
"Yeah? What about me?" he says, standing up with frustration. "Do you think I was fine when Cara told me you were dead?" I flinch at the sharpness of his voice. "Do you think I felt fine watching you barely cling onto life these last weeks, not knowing if you where ever going to wake up? And then you tell me you don't regret it, and would leave me if you had a choice, do you think I'm fine with that?"
He sits down next to me again, taking in a few deep breaths through his nose to calm down. Then he leans forward, his forehead against mine as he kisses me, desperately this time. I wrap my arms around his neck, pressing him closer with my left hand, the arm that wasn't shot. I feel his hand sliding down my other arm, making me shiver. Then he takes my face between his palms, his thumb gently stroking my cheek.
"I love you", he says. "Don't ever do that to me again."
I swallow, feeling to weak to do anything but shake my head.
After a couple of days I get to leave the "hospital" (which was actually located inside the compound of the Bureau), my arm and stomach still bandaged.
Christina and Tobias are still sleeping at the room we got when we first arrived here. I sit down on my bed, resting my head against the wall. The walk here was tiring and painful, even though Tobias supported most of my weight.
"How are you feeling?" he says, leaning against the wall next to my bed.
"I'm fine", I say, although I've said the word fine so many times it doesn't mean anything to me anymore.
He studies my face closely and then meets my eyes, and he doesn't look away. Electricity spreads through me and I can't break the connection.
It is only when Christina enters that I'm able to look away. Her face lights up with a wide smile, although it doesn't quite reach her eyes – she's been through too much. I wonder if I look the same when I smile.
"They discharged you?" she asks, sitting down next to me.
I nod. "On the condition I go back there every two days the next week for a check-up."
"Seems fair", she says. "You feeling alright?"
"Fine", I repeat.
She snorts. "Would you tell me you weren't feeling fine if you did?"
"Probably not", I admit, smiling.
She laughs. "You hungry? It's a couple of hours after lunch time, but we should still be able to get something to eat."
"Yes! Feels like I haven't eaten in days."
I get up, too quickly, and wince in pain, pressing my hand to my stomach.
Tobias reaches forward and grabs my arm.
"Whoa, careful", he says. "You sure you want to walk all the way there?"
I nod, biting my lip. "I'm fine."
He sighs. "Yeah, so you keep telling us. Alright, let's go."
He puts an arm around my back so that I can lean against him as we walk. It only takes a couple of minutes to walk, although that's painful enough.
I've realized that if I concentrate on my breathing while I walk it hurts less, so that's how I manage to make my way to the dining hall, and with Tobias' help of course.
Breathe in, take a couple of steps, and then exhale. Breathe in, walk a few steps, exhale.
Tobias helps me sit down at a table, next to Cara, and then leaves with Christina to get us food.
"So", Cara says after several seconds of silence. "You're out of the hospital?"
"Yeah", I mumble, looking down at the table. I don't want to look at her, because every time I do I'm reminded of her brother, Will, who was my best friend, and whom I shot during the war simulation.
I swallow hard.
"I miss my brother", Cara suddenly says. "I mean, we've lost everyone now, haven't we? You, Tobias, Christina, me. We're the only ones left. And what are we supposed to do now?"
I don't know what to say to that. "Peter's here. And Caleb, he's here too", I say. "He's not dead."
"Yeah, well, he might as well be, right? After everything he's done to you- to all of us", she says. "Not much of a brother, is he?"
"Hey," I say, feeling kind of protective of my brother. "I get that you're sad, and that life is crappy right now, but you don't have to talk about my brother like that. No matter what he's done, he is still my brother."
She shrugs. "Will never would've done anything like that. Of course, he's dead now, so he didn't really get the chance to prove that. But he was a good brother."
Pang. The painful guilt awakens in my stomach again, clawing at my heart.
"Do we… do we really have to talk about Will right now?" I say, trying to blink away the tears in my eyes.
"Oh yeah, you just kill my brother and then you don't want to talk about it?" Her voice is cold and sarcastic. "Like you have any right to make that choice after what you've done. I know that you've been through a lot, but how the hell do you live with yourself?"
"I think you should go." Tobias voice is cold as he speaks from behind me.
Cara flies up from her chair, so fast that it falls backward. She gives Tobias and me a dark look of anger and disappears out the door
I stare at the place where she was just sitting as tears start to fall down my cheeks.
Tobias reaches forward and wipes a tear away from my cheek. "What happened?"
"She wanted to talk about W…" My voice breaks. "About W-Will. I guess she wasn't as over it as I thought she was. "
"Oh no", Christina whispers. "Let me talk to her, I'll change her mind."
As I look at her, I'm reminded that Will was her boyfriend. I remember how she and Cara talked about me in Candor headquarters when they thought I wasn't listening. Does she too still see me as a murderer?
I get up, shaking my head. "No, it's fine. I'm so sorry, Chris, I really, truly am."
And then I turn around and walk as fast as I can out of the dining hall. Luckily, none of them follow me.
So I kind of just let my imagination take over and I know that in Allegiant Tris and Cara were friends for a pretty long time but that's not really how I want it to be. My excuse is that something happened to Cara maybe a day before this that reminded her of Will and that's why she was so upset, although you're going to have to read future episodes to find out what happened.
So what did you think? Please leave a review, I really appreciate all the amazing feedback and I read through all of your comments even if I don't reply.
See ya! :)
