Wishful Thinking

I surveyed the scene with slight disinterest. All sorts of guests from our neighboring countries had accepted the invitation that we'd sent out in regards to the ball. Princesses, and their ladies-in-waiting, were scattered all over the place, eagerly awaiting their chance at gaining my attention. None of them drew my interest.

I treated everyone courteously. I was the perfect host. So eager to please. Yet I was bored. I walked around. I mingled with my guests. I struck up such meaningless chatter with whoever crossed my path. No one seemed to notice that I was not enjoying myself. Not that it mattered.

This ball was a means for us to strengthen our relations with outside influences. It would help us gain favor in the long run. This knowledge was some thing that should have pleased me. It should have boosted my ego. I should have felt proud about everything that we were achieving. Yet I could not shake the despair that wanted so desperately to claim me.

Nodding to someone, every now and then, I flittered back and forth through the crowd. Meeting Trumpkin's brooding gaze momentarily from across the room, I raised my goblet at him in greeting and continued on my way.

Cautiously, I slid towards the entry way, making sure that I avoided Trumpkin's knowing gaze. It would not do if I were to be caught trying to escape my own ball. A slight smile crossed my lips as I felt the excitement that had begun to build within my veins. I hadn't felt anything like it in so long a time.

Placing my goblet on one of the tables as I passed by, I quickly ducked into the hallway. I looked about, making sure that no one had followed. Breathing a sigh of relief, I sprinted down the hall towards the garden and pushing its doors open. I inhaled deeply as a myriad of scents assailed me. Unable to suppress my grin, I closed the doors behind me and made my way towards the fountain. I dipped my hand into the crystal clear water, stirring it gently.

Closing my eyes, I imagined sharing this peaceful moment with Susan. I could see myself wrapping my arms around her, pulling her close as the slight breeze ruffled our hair. A smile would play about her lips as she lay against me, her arms resting upon my own. I would hold her, ever so gently, as we'd speak about anything and everything.

Sighing with regret, I opened my eyes and gazed up at the starry sky. It's just wishful thinking, I thought as I sat down upon the fountain's edge. Nothing will ever bring her back. Aslan would never allow it.

Tilting my head slightly, I started to count the stars as they glittered brightly above. I recalled Doctor Cornelius's lessons of long ago, remembering how eager and learned I had been as a child. Miraz had made sure that I was schooled in just about every subject, always dangling the fact that I would some day inherit the throne above my head so that I would do exactly as he had asked of me.

And now he's dead, I mused. His wife and child reside somewhere within the world that the Pevensie's had come from, oblivious to the fact that Narnia now flourishes under my rule. So much blood was shed in order for us to have achieved such goals. And the heartache that ensues is never-ending.

"Lost within your thoughts, Caspian?" prodded a soft, musical voice.

Whirling about so suddenly, I lost my balance and fell into the fountain. I slid beneath the water as I tried to regain my equilibrium. Sputtering loudly as I broke through the water's surface, I looked about in search of the intruder.

"Who's there?" I questioned, my teeth clenching as I realized that I was not wearing my sword.

Sliding out of the shadows, a small form came into view. Her golden mane lay in soft ripples about her face as she curtsied awkwardly before me. Her blue eyes were full of worry. "Forgive me, my Lord. I saw you slip out of the Main Hall. I could not help but note the fact that you've been ill at ease all evening," she said lightly.

"And you are?" I continued to prod as I pulled myself out of the fountain.

She curtsied once more and said, "Illianna, Sire. I'm Drinian's niece. I've been in your employ for awhile now."

"And you do what, exactly?" I countered irritably, twisting the edges of my tunic within my fingers as I tried to wring out some of the water.

"I help out in the kitchens, Your Majesty. Well, when I'm needed, anyway. Often times, I act as your maid," she replied, her eyes wide with wonder.

Sighing heavily, I let go of my tunic and assessed her from head to toe. "You're too young to be my maid," I stated bluntly, pushing my hands into pockets that had been sown into the sides of my breeches.

Blushing brightly, she shook her head. "Nay, Sire. I'm nine and ten. I'm old enough," she said.

"I see."

"Do you?" she countered.

"Not really," I stammered. "If you don't mind, I wish to be alone. It's why I came here."

She stepped forth, placing a hand upon my left arm. "You needn't spend the night alone, Sire. I am quite willingly to console you."

"Console me?"

"Aye, Sire. I've seen your distress. The forlorn look that always crosses your face whenever someone mentions Queen Susan. I am willing to give you what you seek."

I stepped back, repulsed by her words. "A – Are you crazy?" I prodded.

Shaking her head, she advanced upon me. "No, Your Majesty. I'm being honest. I can't replace her, but I can give you the comfort that you seek. I can be the friend that you've been looking for!" she breathed.

A sour taste filled my mouth as I tried to make sense of it all. I cannot and will not debase myself that way, I thought. Shaking my heard to clear it, I drew myself up to my full height of six feet and one inch. I met her hopeful gaze and promptly replied, "Thank you for the offer, but no. I've no wish to make myself known to you. I'm quite happy as I am. If I've somehow misled you, I ask that you forgive me. I want nothing from you."

"Sire, I . . ." she stammered, her blue eyes wide with disbelief. "I only sought to give you comfort. I wanted nothing more than that."

Raising my hand, I shook my head at her. "Return to the kitchens and stay there. Tell your Uncle that you are no longer to act as my maid. I do not want you near my chambers. I appreciate your gesture, but it is not needed."

Her lower lip trembled as she gazed up at me. "Forgive me, Sire," she whispered. "I meant no disrespect."

She hurried out of the garden, sobbing as she ran past. Groaning loudly, I wondered if I had been a tad harsh with her. I couldn't help it if I was. I had no desire to share my bed with anyone. Not even her.

Raising my face towards the heavens once more, I closed my eyes and counted inwardly in hopes of calming the sudden burst of rage that had begun to flare within me. Standing there, I felt the breeze as it softly stirred my hair. I took no notice of the fact that my clothes were still heavily drenched with water as the wind began to pick up.

Allowing the peacefulness of the moment to consume me, I emptied my head of all thought. Keeping my eyes closed, I inhaled the scents that permeated throughout the garden. Soon, sounds that I could not identify reached my ears.

Voices sounded in the distance, angry and contrite. The sweet scents that I'd been inhaling just moments ago disappeared, replaced with something so unknown to me. I did my best to try and guess what they were, but nothing substantial came to mind.

Opening my eyes, I looked about with surprise. I was no longer standing within my garden. I found myself in a deserted square, still drenched from my fall into the fountain. Frowning, I tried to make sense of where I now stood. Remembering what Susan had told me about her world, I realized that I was now somewhere within England. Where exactly, I did not know.

Urging my feet forward, I walked forth in hopes of finding my way out of the deserted square. My heart began to race as I came to understand that I had somehow made it to a world that I had always dreamed of. A world where Susan always existed.

But how do I find her? I wondered. Where do I begin?

Unaware of where I was going, I failed to notice the fact that someone nearby had recognized me. I took in everything. The buildings. The odd contraptions as they moved back and forth. The people and their assortment of clothes and bags as they walked past. Papers littered the ground, here and there.

Laughing loudly as I came to a stop, I was unaware of where it was that I now stood. Nor did I care. All that mattered to me was that I was now a part of Susan's world.

I could not help but wonder if my coming to England had been Aslan's doing. Has he granted me my wish? Has he allowed me the right to seek Susan? Am I truly allowed to be happy?

A hand descended upon my shoulder, pulling me out of my reverie. Turning about, I gazed into a face that I had once known so well. Blinking with surprise, I tried to form the words that would allow me to greet the person that now stood before me properly. Again, I was at a loss for words.

"Caspian?" said Peter as he gazed back at me with bewilderment. "H – How did you get here?"

Licking my lips, I tried to speak once more. Unable to withstand the impact of it all, I did the only that I was capable of. For the first time in my entire life, I fainted and crumpled into a heap at Peter's feet.