The taste of coffee and hazelnut lingered gingerly on the back of his tongue, the taste of his dear meitantei. He'd done a good job of keeping his poker face up, and his fingers had strayed to his lips only on a few sparse occasions. He could still recall the warmth of the detective's body, pressed up against his own, of soft lips shyly opening for him. Even the sounds the other had made for him had followed him into sleep, lingering like a morning mist.
Kuroba Kaito ignored the fearful gazes of his fellow classmates in favor of losing himself in his thought. Only a select few looked at him with anything other than fright or worried. Aoko watched him with concerned eyes, Hakuba with suspicion in his analytical gaze, and Koizumi observed him with passive curiosity. There was no way for them to know what – who – it was that occupied his thoughts, even if the two who suspected (Hakuba) or knew (Koizumi) of his secret identity as the elusive Kaito KID. Only a select few knew of his relationship with the high school detective, and all of them were in said detective's inner circle.
How deep did his affection for – his – meitantei run?
He still partially blamed the events of the previous night on pheromones brought on by the hormones of the newly cured detective. And as tidy of an explanation that it was, it didn't explain why the other's face of ecstasy and pleasure lingered in his mind like a tempting snack. He'd need time to sort out his own thoughts before talking with the detective again, it wouldn't do to act now and potentially lead him on with feelings that might not actually be as passionate as they looked.
With a quiet sigh, Kaito turned his attention towards the chalkboard. He didn't actually need to pay attention to the teacher's lecture, but it was a way to take his thoughts away from the confusing matters of his own heart for a short while. Aoko would probably confront him about his quiet spell after class… Meh, he'd deal with it later.
This was it; the moment of reckoning. He'd tried to talk himself out of it, to hide away and put this conversation off for another day. But that would be cruel to her, the person he needed to talk to the most. The girl he had to come clean to. The lies had pilled up, and Ran would be hurt – no doubt about it, but the organization was for the most part gone, he had no more excuses to keep on listening to her. No matter the outcome, he had to do this. No more running away.
He watched the girl in question enter the living room. Something in her eyes light up when she saw him, the real him, but there was another part that darkened. She could see that he wasn't the same person she'd watched runoff that fateful day. But she herself had changed, no longer the same girl who'd waited an eternity for his return.
Ran sat down without a word, the ball was in his court. He'd left a few things out of his story, like who Haibara actually was, and her exact relationship with Miyano Akemi. And what had transpired between him and a certain another person, but he'd planned on not telling anyone about it. He watched as she closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, knuckles turning white as her hands shook with tension.
"So, you didn't trust me enough to tell the truth?"
She was right, in a way.
"I suppose so, even if my intention was to just keep you out of danger." He replied.
"You selfish bastard!" She snarled, practically baring her teeth at him like an animal.
"Ran, please calm-" She tried to coax her.
"No! You listen here mister, I am not a damsel in distress! I might have a crippling fear of ghosts and ghouls, but I have the skill to more than defend myself from people!" She shouted. "Do you know how much it hurt to wonder where in god's green earth you were, if you were safe or even alive? Not knowing that you were right there by my side?! Well let me tell you something, it was agonizing! Was it fun to watch me pine after you like a lovesick idiot?"
"It wasn't-"
"You trusted Agasa to keep it secret! You trusted your parents! You trusted Hattori- you even trusted Kaito KID! So why didn't you trust me? Was my suffering really that much of a joke to you? Was I really that unimportant to you that you'd just keep me in the dark like that? And that isn't even touching upon how you used Sonoko and my dad like you did- like fucking puppets! Is that all I am to you- all anyone is to you? Toys for you to play with and get amusement from?"
"Ran-"
"Well it wasn't funny to me! It wasn't funny to have to wait, scrambling for every phone call thinking it might be the last! And it sure as hell wasn't funny how you used me-"
"Do you think it was easy for me to watch you?!" He screamed back.
Ran recoiled, eyeing him.
"I'll admit, yes I didn't trust you, but do you really think it was easy for me to watch you pine for me day in and day out? To be so close but unable to give you closure? Well let me assure it that it wasn't any easier on my end. I'd wanted to tell you the truth so badly after that first night, but fear for your safety one out in the end.
"I have no doubt that you're a capable person, I've seen you break concrete with your fists remember! But you're still human, and the people I was hiding from, they'd kill you as easily as though it was nothing. You know that one lawyer who died and his murderer was killed? You know how their immediate families were killed and their homes were burned to the ground? That was the black organization's doing. They had born assassins in their ranks- people raised and molded to kill! Vermouth wouldn't be able to keep you safe forever, she's only one person after all.
"I told Agasa the truth because I had no one else to run to- I'd just been turned into a kid for god's sake! Agasa told my parents behind my back. Both Hattori and KID figured out my secret on their own. Haibara reminded me that I had to keep the number of people who know small, the more people who knew the more likely it was for something to slip. I used your dad and Sonoko because I had no other way, as a kid no one took me seriously and 'Shinichi' had to stay out of the public eye. I'm sorry I had to lie to you- I really am, but my back was against a wall and I had to make decisions that could potentially determine if people close to me lived or died."
He looked away from his friend in shame. He hadn't intended to snap at her like that, but it had hurt to hear her accuse him of being heartless. He'd did what he thought was right at the time, it wasn't like he could undo past action.
"You're right, I didn't stop to think what you had to go through," she said.
He turned to look at her in disbelief.
"But it did hurt, the lies and the waiting. I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive you just yet, I… I need some time to think." She sighed.
"Take all the time you need." He responded. "It would have been extremely selfish of me to expect you to understand right away. You have every right to make me wait for a change. I don't expect things to be the same, but I do hope we can continue being friends. As Conan you'd become a big sister to me, Ran-neechan."
She gave him a thankful look.
"I'll be going then, see you at school tomorrow… Shinichi."
He watched her leave wistfully. It hurt, but not as bad as he'd expected it to. He didn't feel that same about her, not after 2 years of living as her little brother. And then there was a certain phantom thief… What was KID to him?
Getting up, he retreated to the library. He still had some make-up work to finish. After all, he didn't want to be held back a year.
Yeah, Ran and Shinichi were probably ooc here, but to be fair, if he ever does tell her the truth, it isn't going to be an easy talk, nor is everything just gonna blow over smoothly. For either of them.
