Hey guys, sorry for the delay in this chapter. I just found out a few days ago that one of my distant relatives passed away in a coma, so it's been a bit hectic for me dealing with that.

This is the halfway point so I tried to make this where everything sort of comes to a head. I feel like this chapter isn't quite where I'd like it to be, but you guys can be the judge of that.

I hope you all enjoy, and I look forward to hearing what you think.

Thanks for bearing with me!

- Raven

*Warnings for this chapter include the standard angtsy depression, mild cursing, dark (suicidal) thoughts, and some drinking*

** Realized I didn't do a disclaimer, so had to repost. Whoops! I do not own Steven Universe, those rights go solely to Rebecca Sugar and Cartoon Network. I also do not own the comic this fic was inspired by, just the story itself!**


It's Amethyst who comes to her, this time. There's a short, squat glass of some pale amber liquid in her hand, and she throws herself down with little ceremony onto the floor by Pearl's feet. She says nothing, just swirls the glass around haphazardly, creating a miniature whirlpool in the bottom of the glass. Pearl debates silently a moment, listening to the rain pound the outside of the house, then she slides down from the windowsill to join her on the floor, tucking her legs close to her chest and letting the silence hang between them as she fiddles with the thin roll in her hands.

It's obvious enough what the glass contains, if not by the content itself then by the smell; a rich, sharp bitter aroma that makes her want to gag. Instead she grimaces, and lights her own object in an attempt to cover the stench. The small Quartz was more prone to random food binges, but the way she inhales it, it might as well be.

"Is it really necessary for you to do that here?" She snaps, the irritation itching in her chest the first physical thing she's allowed herself to feel for days.

"Why, is it bothering you?"

If it hadn't been clear before, it is now in the slight slur in the rasp of Amethyst's voice, the challenging grin she flashes Pearl that in no way matches the sharpness of her eyes. Pearl bites back her response and instead takes a slow, steady breath, letting the smoke fill her and relieve the pressure of her thoughts. Amethyst is still staring at her, though, her pale lilac hair pulled up for once, making her seem somehow older and wiser than she truly was.

"The smell," Pearl finally manages, turning her head away to peer sideways through the screen door. She isn't sure what the feeling is that is trying to shove its way forward, but it's thick and heavy, painful as it claws at her insides.

Amethyst snorts, but it's muffled, echoing slightly, and Pearl recognizes that she's taken a drink. It's not often that the other gem does drink, preferring soft, fleshy things, or else something that crunches over the sharp burn of the liquid humans call alcohol. It's even rarer for her to drink enough to truly feel it, her shifted form absorbing and dispelling the liquid long before it reaches the parts necessary to cause an effect.

She's too close, her shoulder just brushing Pearls' arm, and the contact is more than Pearl can handle at the moment. She grunts in frustration, shifting away from the offending touch and trying to return to the freedom the smoke offered. But it's a futile attempt, her thoughts buzzing too much to truly focus, the bitter smell of the drink too strong against her senses.

"Can't knock it till you try it, P."

"I have no desire to try something that impedes the ability to function in such a way."

Besides, she doesn't need it. She has…

"Sure, because filling yourself with that is so much better."

There's a sharp, bitter note to her voice, so strong and harsh the Pearl wonders if she truly is as affected by the drink as she had believed. Then her words register, and that clawing feeling intensifies. She understands what this is about, and the roll is crushed so strongly between her teeth that her tongue threatens to go numb with the sudden onslaught of the peppery substance.

"Did Garnet send you?"

Her voice sounds foreign to her ears, like she's hearing herself from underwater. The fact that she can somehow sound so bitter and cynical and yet so empty at the same time, frightens what little part of her that still insists on feeling.

"Nah, came over all on my own." Is it pride or apprehension in Amethyst's voice? Is she smug or is it just the drink? She isn't sure, and she can't understand why she still cares.

"Garnet's been weird, anyway."

"Weird?"

"She doesn't talk but she says too much," she rambles.

And that's all it is; rambling. Just words that tumble out and fall to the ground, and she doesn't want to hear, but she does, somehow.

"What do you want, Amethyst?"

She registers the sharp sigh of breath and her mind instantly brings forward her confrontation with their youngest counterpart. Amethyst's voice breaks in again before it can go too far, but the idea is there and it won't leave her easily.

"I dunno. It's my fault you're like this anyway, and I thought, maybe I should be the one doing something to fix it."

"There's nothing to fix. And this isn't…you didn't do anything?"

It's genuine confusion for a moment, but Amethyst won't look her in the eye and it's worrying to say the least. And all these feelings are too much and she just wants to float again and be numb. But the fire is out on the end of the reed and Amethyst won't look at her and why is it always her?

"Yeah I did," she mumbles, both of her hands clenching tightly around her empty glass. "I'm the one who showed you…just something quick and stupid humans did."

There's a clenching around her chest that has nothing to do with the smoke, but she doesn't have time to process it because Amethyst is still going.

"It was funny. It was funny but it's not anymore and I need you to stop Pearl! I need you to stop."

Is her face wet? It can't be, and she can't be crying, she can't because that would mean feeling and she can't she can't she can't stop she can't!

"I…"

"No! You can't be like this, I can't lose you like this! We need you P. I need you. And Steven…."

Steven.

Something hard coils in her gut then, sharp and hot and intense, and it's enough to break through the emotions and remind her why she had started to do this in the first place. Why she couldn't do this. Her jaw clenches and she turns her head back to stare out at the mass of clouds.

"Where is he, anyway?"

"With Greg."

Of course. She should have known.

"Do….do you even care? Do you care about what you're doing at all?"

She did care. That was the problem. She was supposed to be just a pearl, but pearls didn't care about things. They didn't think their own thoughts or have dreams or ambitions. They didn't feel. They didn't love.

"It was raining like this when R-"

She chokes on the name, unable to bring herself to say it, to feel it, to open herself up to all that She had been. Instead she focuses on the rain, because, it was only fitting, wasn't it? It always rained for things like this.

"You're not the only one who misses her, you know."

No, but she was the only one who knew her. Truly knew her, and loved her like they hadn't. She was the only one who missed her, in a raw, aching way that made it seem like her gem had been cracked, gouged out and replaced with something not quite real. She was alone in her grief in the same way she had been alone in her life. Alone in her love.

"You couldn't understand," she said lowly, picking absently at the paper thin roll in her hands.

"Oh, I couldn't understand? She saved me, too. I understand plenty!"

"No," she says fiercely, the roll coming apart with the force of her fingers. "You don't! You're just a kindergarten gem, who couldn't possibly begin to understand what it's like!"

It doesn't register, in the silence her words bring, that she had been shouting. It doesn't register that some part of her must have genuinely felt that way, for it to sound just as harsh and open as it had. It doesn't register that the glass had been shattered against the wall, and that there are now miniscule slivers digging into her skin.

All that registers is Amethyst's sharp intake of breath, which doesn't lead to the overwhelming screech she had been expecting. Instead, it's a low and quiet rumble. Like an echo of thunder.

"And you're just a pearl, who's too stubborn for her own good."

She stands, brushing glass off of her hands like they hadn't dug into her as well.

"If you want to ruin yourself like this, that's fine by me. I don't care. Rose did, though. And I don't think she'd want this to be what her Pearl has become."

"Amethyst…"

But it's too late. Too late because she is already gone, and Pearl knows deep down that she was right. But it's too late even to be right. She is too late to be sorry. She slumps weakly back to the floor, the glass shards digging even further into her form. She should find something to clean it up with, but there was something strangely grounding about the pain; even more grounding than then the smoke. And she knows these thoughts are dangerous but what more did she have to lose? She was already gone, why not just make it permanent?

It would be easy, a part of her whispers. It would be cowardice, another argues back. It would go against everything she had fought so hard to achieve; what Rose had fought to achieve. And she cared- stars damn her, but- she cared too much to let that be her legacy. Not after everything they had been through. But it hurt. Caring hurt; feeling hurt too much and why couldn't she just have this? Why couldn't it go away?

"Please…."

Help.