It was driving me absolutely insane.

It's weird, I never thought anything like this would get to me so much. I mean, It's just a dream…a dream that I have every single night.

I'm lying. I am so lying. I can't handle it at all.

It started a few months ago. At first I just thought I was having a few weird dreams, but over time they began to grow. They started out as these strange little dreams where id see a little black shadows. The shadows soon developed into black shapes that moved around me. It was fine for a while. Everything was completely fine.

But then it all changed.

It was after a particular night where Phil and I just happened to get to close. That happened every so often. We'd just be sitting watching some TV and we'd sort of cuddle into each other. I never meant for it to happen, it just did. We found ourselves wrapped in each others arms, noses touching as we stared into each others eyes. I could never will myself to pull away from him when we ended up like this. That hurt look he had when I broken up with him was still there in his eyes. You could latterly see the pain when we were this close.

And then of course what always happens happened. He leaned into to kiss me and for a moment I was paralysed. My mind just screamed at me to let him kiss me. I still loved him, I could never deny that. I only wanted to pretend to be normal. When I was at uni everyone had girlfriends that they showed off all the time and I just felt so ashamed. I felt like such and idiot and a coward after I broke up with him. My friends had wanted to see this 'girlfriend' of mine. I considered telling them about Phil but…I just couldn't.

I just wanted to be normal.

So I broke up with him just so I could try get with some girl. Of course that didn't work out. She knew by our second date that I was so obviously gay.

But of course when Phil leaned in to kiss me I turned away. His lips made contact with my cheek as I screwed my eyes shut. He bit his lip before mumbling a quick apology then rushing off to his room. I would always wait a minute before quietly making my way to his room to see if he was okay. And every time he would sobbing into his pillow loudly while he whispered my name between his gasps for breath.

After that I had went to bed and let all the tears escape before crying myself to sleep. It was a usual sort of ritual for us. Get too close, make a mistake, two hearts broken once again.

That's the night my nightmares got so, so much worse. It started with getting a little freaked out about seeing stuff out of the corner of my eyes. Then id wake up with tears streaming down my face to see those dark figures staring at me from the corner.

************************************************** *******************

"Good morning" Phil greeted softly as he looked up from his cereal. Our gazes met for just a second. That was enough to do it. He tried to looked away but looked back again, a faint pink tint covering his cheeks.

I coughed awkwardly before quickly averting my eyes to the TV in a hurry. "Yeah…morning"

He sighed, scoping another spoonful of cereal into his mouth while he also looked to the TV. I carefully sat down on the couch, making sure to not sit close to him so we didn't have another incident.

We sat for a good fifteen minutes in silence like this. He had his now empty bowl clasped firmly in both hands has he started straight ahead. I kept my arms crossed as I leaned away from him. He suddenly looked over, a determined look into his eyes.

"Um…Dan?"

"…Yeah?" I replied softly.

"Are you okay?"

I just blinked at him in confusion, tilting my head to the side slightly. It was a bad habit I had that I really couldn't break. "I'm fine"

"Dan…I heard you last night"

"What?"

"You cried out. I heard you crying"

I felt my brows knit together as I stared at him. I was about to get angry but…I couldn't. I could never be angry at him. I sighed softly before looking down to my hands. "I'm fine"

"Dan. Please. You can talk to me"

I narrowed my eyes at him, clenching my hands into fists.

"…No"

"Dan-"

"No, Phil. Leave me alone…please"