Cody walked out of his doctor's office and into the garage where his car stood waiting. He hated the frequent doctor's visits he had to endure to monitor his disease. It always exhausted him. He threw the papers of his latest blood tests onto the passenger seat and started the engine. As he shifted gears his phone rang loudly in the silence of the car and the early morning. With a sigh, he answered.
"Yes, Randy, I'm out of the doctor and on my way home. I'm fine." Cody said without bothering to look at the caller id on the panel.
"Good. Now come straight home. I'm making breakfast."
Cody smiled and nodded before mumbling a quick "OK", into the phone. He was about to press the gas pedal when he noticed a young man jogging towards his car.
"Wait, Mr. Runnels! Wait!"
Cody braked and pulled down a window. "Yes,"
"I wanted to give you something. You left so quickly! I'm glad I caught you." The guy laughed.
Cody noticed his uniform and saw he was a nurse. "Is everything OK? Did I forget something?"
"No, no, everything is fine. My name is Will and I run a support group for males under 30 who are HIV positive. I wanted to give you a flyer and invite you to join us."
Cody took the small piece of paper from his hand and smiled apologetically. "Thanks a lot, Will, but I don't think so. I have a support group at home. My family and friends are amazing and I don't think your group can out-support them."
Will shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, I guess so, but another thing our group does besides support each other is help each other deal with reality. Do they do that or do they just constantly tell you that everything will be fine?"
Cody frowned, "Excuse me?"
Will held up his hands. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to criticize your loved ones, but I have seen it a hundred times. Friends and families are a great support system but they don't always allow you to really discuss what's in your heart. Whenever it's brought up they rush to console and tell you that it will be all right. Sometimes someone needs to vent. They also need to know the truth. This is a deadly disease that has no cure, as of yet. Medication gives us hope of staying around long enough for a cure, but death is still a possibility sometime soon."
Cody stared at him in disbelief and shook his head. "I gotta go." He put his hand on the steering wheel and tensed when Will's hand reached in to grab it.
"I don't mean to sound crazy. It's my job to help my patients face reality no matter how harsh I may sound. Please think about coming."
Will moved away with a smile and Cody nodded. He pressed the gas pedal and flew out of the parking lot.
Within minutes Cody pulled up to Randy and John's house. In the driveway he saw Ted's car and he knew that meant everyone was inside waiting for him. He took the paperwork from the seat beside him and walked into the house. The chatter in the house was loud and the hum of the television was going strong. He threw his keys on the hall table and walked into the large living area.
"Hey, baby girl!" Cody walked over to Randy's daughter and enveloped her into a tight hug.
"Hi, Uncle Cody! Look, Daddy made me bunny pancakes."
Cody smiled and nodded. He left Alanna with her food staring at the television and prepared himself for the barrage of questions that awaited him in the kitchen.
"Hello, people,"
Randy turned from the stove and opened his mouth as John and Ted looked up from the morning paper and moved towards him simultaneously.
"Hey, everyone back off! You look like you're all gonna kill me!" Cody laughed and sat on a stool around the kitchen island.
He tossed the paperwork on the countertop and pointed to it. "So, in that report there are really big words. Those big words say my T-cell count is great and so is my CD4 count. I'm doing great, but please, feel free to read it and have someone interpret it for you."
Randy snatched the paperwork before John could and frowned as he read. "I don't understand this crap."
John took the paper from his hand and skimmed it. "Maybe if you would let the intelligent one read it…"
Randy smirked. "Then what does it mean, genius?"
John shrugged and placed it back down. "It means we're gonna have to believe what Cody says because none of us can read this crap."
Ted reached out and took the papers. He frowned and read through each quickly. "Cody, your CD4 count is greater than 200! That's great."
Cody nodded. "I've never gone down! That means I'm good!"
Ted hugged Cody and set the papers down. Randy and John stared at him in surprise.
"What? You didn't think I knew that did you? Well, that's what you get for making all those blond jokes, losers."
Randy laughed and took a smaller paper from the pile. "Cody, what's this? You're going to a support group? You don't need that. We're here."
He passed the paper to John, who frowned as he read it.
Cody smiled as he served himself breakfast. "No, I wasn't planning on going. Some nurse gave it to me. He went on about how friends and family just lie to us but the group will help us face reality about our imminent death, blah, blah, blah."
"What an asshole! You aren't going to die! You're going to be fine!" John said appalled.
Cody laughed and said, "That's exactly what he said. He said you guys don't let me vent or face the truth."
Everyone began to talk at once and Cody laughed loudly. It amazed him to see how upset everyone got over the threat of someone mentioning his mortality to him. He took his plate with pancakes and walked out into the patio, his mind on Will. He knew Will was right. He loved his family and friends dearly and nothing would ever replace them, but he needed more. They didn't let him speak about his fears and anxieties. They refused to even talk about the possibility that one day he might take a turn for the worse and die. He knew it could happen! Sometimes he wanted to scream and punch the walls! He wanted to kill people! How could this happen to him? He was a good person. Never hurt anyone. Never did any wrong. Yet he had been hurt 3 years ago; been hurt by a man who supposedly loved him. The man who made him feel loved and who swore he would never hurt him. No, he had never hurt him; he had only given him a death sentence.
He had never gotten over that until John Marshall came into his life. They had met at a charity auction for AIDS research. John seemed perfect. He accepted Cody for who he was and was willing to stand beside him during his treatment. He accepted the fact that Cody was still unsure about moving things further. Then one day, it all snapped. He was hurt again and it was never to be discussed. The matter was resolved. The boys took care of it. So we never have to mention it again. Pretend it never happened and it will eventually be erased from memory, right? Cody didn't think so.
Cody sighed and bit into his food. He might have to pay Will's group a visit. The question was how would his friends react about it? All the answers to their problems were to be found in the group and only within the group. How would his friends feel about the fact that he needed assistance from the outside of the family?
"So, kiddo, are you ready to hit the town? We got a lot of plans today. The gym, then the supermarket, then lunch…"
Alanna looked at her father with a look of boredom. "That's boring."
Randy grabbed his daughter's jacket and looked down at her. "It's not boring, Al. You like the kiddie gym and you love to shop with me because you manage to get tons of crap out of me."
Alanna giggled and shrugged. "I wanted to go to the park and then to the mouse house."
Randy sighed as he knew his plans for the day were ruined. Chuck E. Cheese was not a Randy Orton favorite. "Fine, let's go."
He walked out of his house and buckled his daughter into the car. His mind wandered as he drove to the park a mile away from his house. He was thrilled everything turned out OK with Cody. Something still gnawed at him, though. Could it be the support group flyer; or Cody's reaction to it? Despite his laugh, Cody had quickly turned away and left during the discussion.
"Daddy! We're here!"
Randy quickly braked and looked back. "Oh, I didn't see it."
He laughed and pulled into a free spot. Alanna quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and ran out.
"Al, I'm gonna sit and make a few calls. Stay where I could see you, understood?"
Alanna waved him off and climbed onto a slide. Randy sat on the closest bench and pulled out his phone. He pressed the number one and listened, his eyes following his daughter's every move.
"Yes, my love,"
"I didn't think you would answer but since you did, should I call this weird Will guy who's trying to brainwash Cody or should I just whack him right now?"
"Are you insane? Since when do you say whack? Randy, where the hell are you?"
Randy smiled and waved at Alanna before answering. "I'm in the park with Al. She refused my plan for the day."
John laughed. "I told you so. No three-year-old wants to go work out or shopping for anything but toys." He sighed on the other end of the phone. "Randy, forget about that guy, OK. Cody's not going to go anywhere. That guy was just trying to fill his membership quota or something."
"I'm just worried, you know. Cody tends to see the goodness in everyone and then he gets screwed in the end. This guy already sounds like a freak. He told Cody all we do is lie to him!"
"No he didn't. He just said we don't let him worry about his condition. Of course a stranger would say that. He probably has no idea what it's like to have someone so close to him have HIV."
Randy sighed and picked at his nail. "I still have a bad feeling. This guy bothers me."
"Everyone bothers you, babe," replied John with a laugh.
Randy sighed and looked up. His eyes automatically searched for Alanna and saw no one. "Al…"
Randy stood up and scanned the children in the park. He saw a number of girls gathered in front of the jungle gym and ran to see if Alanna was among them. She wasn't.
"Alanna! Where are you?"
"Ran, what's wrong?"
Randy stopped when he heard John's voice. He had forgotten John was still on the line. "I can't find Al. She was right in front of me and now she's gone. Oh my God, John,"
Randy ran back to the bench he had sat on and then to the other end of the park.
"Randy, calm down, baby. Call out for her."
Randy stopped running long enough to scan the park with his eyes again and respond.
"I did call out for her! This park is too small for her to be hiding, John! Alanna doesn't do this. She doesn't run off."
Randy bent his head and tried to slow his breathing.
"Baby, calm down. I'm on my way. We need to call the cops."
Randy felt his chest tighten. "I can't breathe. Oh my God…" He heard John say something in his ear, but they had suddenly began to ring. The phone dropped from his hand.
"Gotcha Daddy!"
Randy felt a thud on his back and he swung around to see Alanna laughing in Ted's arms.
"Oh my God!" He grabbed Alanna and hugged her tightly while trying to return his heart rate back to normal.
"Ted, are you crazy? This was a joke?"
Ted smiled and shrugged. "It was the kid's idea."
Alanna giggled and nodded. "It was funny, Daddy."
Randy set her down and shook his head. "No, it wasn't funny. It was very scary. No more jokes, Alanna."
Alanna nodded before running off to the swings. Randy picked up his phone from the ground and placed it on the bench beside him before turning to Ted with a glare.
"Randy, you OK? Your tan is gone."
"How could you let her do that, Ted? I almost had a heart attack!"
Ted sat down on the bench and shrugged. "I thought you would laugh it off. Now I know you're so delicate, I won't do it again."
He looked at Alanna then back at Randy. "Besides the obvious fact Al is your daughter, why are you so skittish all of the sudden? Did something happen to make you think she needs extra protection?"
Randy shrugged. "I was talking to John about everything last night. He mentioned that if someone wanted to hurt us they could use Alanna to do so. I guess it has me more on edge."
Ted nodded and opened his mouth to respond when a car screeched to a halt in front of them. The driver's side door opened and a hysterical looking John ran out.
"Where is she? Randy? Did you find her?"
Randy quickly stood up and pointed to the swing set. "Relax. She's right there. It was all a stupid joke."
John sighed and collapsed on the bench. He stared at Ted with an accusing look. "Ted, this was all your fault, right?"
Ted looked down and mumbled, "We've already acknowledged that, John. Let's move on."
Randy looked at John in the face and laughed. It was full of disbelief and anger. "I hate you so much right now."
John rubbed the back of Randy's neck affectionately and said, "Teddy was just playing, baby. Don't be mad at him."
Randy slid away from him and loudly said, "I mean you, John! Not Ted."
John's eyes widened in surprise. "Me? Why the hell are you pissed at me?"
"You put all these damn ideas in my head! 'Randy, what if someone wants to get back at us by using Alanna'." Randy rolled his eyes as he mimicked John's voiced concerns from the night before. He shook his head angrily. "Now, whenever Al is out of my sight I'm gonna think something is wrong! I used to be normal! Thank you so much for making me paranoid!"
John stared at Randy in shock and Ted quickly stood up. "I'm gonna go to the swings with Al."
Minutes full of silence passed. John continued to stare at Randy intently, who was steadfastly avoiding his gaze.
"Randy," John began softly. "I know you just had a huge shock and that's the real reason for all this animosity towards me." He calmly reached over for Randy's hand and was relieved when it wasn't pulled away. "I would never want to make you worry unnecessarily, but you have to agree with me that what we do for a living puts all of our loved ones in danger." He smiled sarcastically. "Both our jobs do."
John rubbed his thumb on Randy's hand. "Baby, I love Alanna like she was my own. You know, like I know, that we need to watch her because she would be the one that gets picked if anyone wants to harm us. We always need to be extra careful."
"I know, John. Don't lecture me on how to take care of my daughter." Randy pulled his hand away. "My daughter, John. Mine."
John shook his head. "I know she's yours, Randy. Thanks for being such an asshole about it." He stood up and looked at Randy. "Now that I know that everything is fine I'm going back to work. I walked out on an interview."
Randy shrugged and continued to look off into the distance.
John turned and walked over to Alanna, who jumped into his arms. They hugged tightly before John put her down besides Ted and walked back to his car without another glance at Randy.
Snaps, crackles and pops were the only noise in the house. It was driving Randy crazy. After the incident in the park he came straight home despite Alanna's insistence they go to Chuck E. Cheese. He got her to agree by bribing her with a quick trip to Toys R Us. When they returned home, John had not been there. Randy had thrown himself into cooking John's favorite meal while Alanna played in the kitchen with her new toys. There was no way she was leaving his sight after what happened in the park. By the time 6:00pm rolled around, he and Alanna sat down for dinner with still, no sight of John. His and Alanna's footsteps echoed through the house until he thought he would go crazy. He had to call him.
Hours later and with Alanna sound asleep, as he wrapped the leftovers, Randy sighed deeply. He had never realized how empty the house was without John.
"OK, kitchen is all clean."
Randy turned and smiled. "Thanks for cleaning up, Codes."
Yeah, he had called Cody.
Cody plopped on the sofa. "Sure, no problem. The one who cooks shouldn't be the one who cleans, too." He yawned loudly and rubbed his stomach. "That was some good food, Ran. I must have gained 10 pounds!"
Randy smiled. He sat on the couch besides Cody. "I'm glad you ate so well, Cody. I hate it when you lose weight."
Cody nodded and looked down. He didn't see any weight loss but he knew any difference on his body was immediately noticeable because of his tall frame. His friends watched his body like a hawk. He didn't mean that in a good way.
"Randy, I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to freak. If you stay calm I know the other guys will, too."
Randy frowned but nodded.
Cody took a deep breath. "I'm thinking of going to that support group from the flyer."
Randy opened his mouth to respond, but Cody quickly held up his hand.
"No, listen, Randy. I know you guys are there for me always and that I can talk to you. I also know I am blessed to have a family at home who is also there for me. That's not gonna change ever. I need to talk to someone else, though; someone who understands exactly what I'm going through. You guys can't. Only someone with my disease can. Please understand and don't fight me on this."
Randy sighed and said, "I'll never understand that some stranger can help you better than us, Cody, but I will respect your decision. If you want to go, just go. The guys and I understand." He smiled. "Well, we'll try to understand."
Cody smiled happily and stood up. "You're the best, Ran! OK, I'm gonna go home and fall into a stuffed-my-face coma."
He turned and walked down the hallway and opened the front door. "Randy, you can't off him. Understood?"
Randy laughed loudly behind him. "I can't make any promises yet."
The two friends embraced and said their goodbyes. Randy stood in the doorway of the house and watched Cody's car pull away. He rubbed his hands over his arms in an effort to warm himself from the cold night air. As he was about to close the door, John's car pulled into the driveway. Randy immediately straightened up. John stepped out of the car and walked into the home, his arm brushing Randy's. Randy turned as John walked to the hall table and dropped his keys on its surface.
He cleared his throat. "Hey. I made dinner. I left you a plate on the counter."
John nodded towards Randy. "Thanks. Is Al asleep?"
Randy nodded.
"I'm gonna go kiss her good night and hit the bed. I'm not hungry." John turned and Randy felt his heart begin to race.
"But I made your favorites." He saw no response so he quickly added, "Besides I need to talk to you about Cody."
John stopped moving towards the stairs and asked, "What about him?"
Randy took a step forward and crossed his arms over his chest. The tension was killing him. "Uh, he had dinner here with me and Al and afterwards he told me he still wanted to go to that counseling group. He said we can't possibly understand his disease like other infected men can."
John nodded and shrugged simultaneously. "He's right. We can't. I understand him and agree."
He climbed up the stairs and once on top he heard Randy say, "John, please."
The emotion in Randy's voice immediately caused John's eyes to water. He stopped in his tracks but was still too angry to turn around.
"What?"
Randy's voice made him sound like a lost child. "Please eat your food."
John lowered his head and continued walking until he disappeared from Randy's eye line, both unaware of the tears that fell from their eyes.
An hour after John went up the stairs, Randy broke down. He had sat in a chair in the living room going over the incident in the park and thinking of the many ways he should have handled the situation. He knew he was wrong. John loved Alanna and was only concerned with protecting her. John should be allowed to speak any fear or worry he had to his partner, shouldn't he? That's what Randy was so why was he putting off apologizing to John? How could he let a stupid argument threaten his relationship with the love of his life? He wouldn't.
Randy ran up the stairs and walked into the bedroom he and John shared. The room was dimly lit by two candles on the nightstand. John could never sleep in a room that was pitch black. Randy kicked off his shoes and crawled into the bed, where John lay quietly awake. Randy pressed his body as close to John's as he could and wrapped an arm around John's waist.
"Baby, I'm sorry." He whispered close to John's ear. There was no response.
"John, I know I'm an ass. I know I'm incredibly difficult to deal with. You're a saint to do it. I talk without thinking; I'm stubborn and think I'm always right. I'm an obnoxious now-it-all and I hurt the ones I love. This time I really fucked up, though. I hurt you and I love no one more than you."
John inhaled deeply beneath Randy's arm but said nothing.
"John, I am so blessed to have you in my life. My daughter is so blessed to have you. You are a dad to Al. No one could love her more."
Randy moved his head to John's shoulder.
"Baby, please, talk to me. You can't be mad at me. I cannot have you mad at me. I can't. I'll die without you, John, I really will."
His throat choked up and tears began to fall from his eyes, landing on the bare skin of John's shoulder.
John felt the wetness on his shoulder and could no longer bare it. He turned around softly and pulled Randy close to him. He wiped the tears from Randy's eyes and stared into his eyes.
"Never fight with me again. Especially about something so stupid. Got it?"
Randy smiled and nodded. He pulled John's head in for a deep kiss. Randy lost himself in the kiss and feeling of John beside him and peacefully fell asleep on John's chest to the sound of his heartbeat.
