A/N ok so after the somewhat frustrating last episode I'm hoping that everyone likes the ending to this chapter. :) Seriously Kurt get your act together!
I don't own Glee.
Chapter Three
Blaine sat in the warm, wood panelled office chair, his legs crossed under him as he stared at the doctor in silence. He had been here so many times now that he knew the procedure. Dr Andrews always gave him a little time to settle down in the room, making himself comfortable before she asked him anything. As he looked around it looked exactly as he last saw it. The light yellow walls filled with certificates and diplomas showing her credentials. The large desk in the corner the she must use when no patients were in and the plush chairs, one of which he was sitting in now, made from deep mahogany and were very comfortable, adult like chairs. When he had first started coming to Dr Andrews it had all seemed so overwhelming and cold, but now that he knew her, Blaine knew better. She was a warm and kind individual, but very professional. She always wore business suits and had her now greying hair up in a bun, her reading glasses perched on the end of her nose. She looked a bit like a stereotypical librarian or something along those lines.
Smiling to himself, he grabbed his now bare feet, having slipped his loafers off when sitting in the doctors chair. He wriggled his toes slightly as he concentrated on them, waiting for her to make the first connection. Blaine didn't feel confident enough to go first, he never did. Having Kurt break up with him time and time again had knocked his confidence into practically nothing.
"So Blaine tell me why you called? We haven't had a session in almost three months now." Dr Andrews soft voice quelled the silence between them and Blaine sighed heavily, bringing his knees up to his chest. He curled in on himself, making his body as small as he possibly could, laying his head on top as he wrapped his arms around his calves.
"You know why I called. I'm hurting myself again." His right hand clutched tightly around the now scabbed over scar from yesterday. He had hoped to alleviate his pain somewhat but it had just made things worse. All of his memories had come crashing down on him, almost choking him to death. He could still feel the pressure of all the hurt inside his chest now, trying to crush him into oblivion. Sometimes he wished it would. At least then the pain would go away.
"When you say hurting?..."
"I cut myself last night." Blaine lifted his head, looking directly into the doctors steel grey eyes. They held some sympathy inside of them as though she understood precisely what he was feeling right now. That was one reason why he liked her so much, she never tried to be better than him, only to share what she knew with him to help keep him alive and, best case scenario, happy.
"Why did you feel that you needed to cut yourself?" She asked. It was not an easy answer. There was so much going on in his head right now that it was hard to piece together any sort of answer. Confusion swept over him in waves, making him furrow his brows to try and concentrate on the question at hand and how he could even begin to answer it. He chewed on his lower lip as Dr Andrews crossed her left leg daintily over her right knee and smiled sincerely at him.
He finally shrugged, coming up with nothing. All he knew was that it hurt. Why wouldn't this pain just go away? He had tried over and over and it never seemed to leave him. It was like it was now etched permanently into him, never to leave. Blaine wasn't sure anyone would ever be able to heal him completely from this. It was like he was inside a bottomless pit with no chance of rescue. Slowly dying each day until the end finally came to him. "Because I'm confused. I'm overwhelmed and it hurts so much." Silence reigned once more in the room as Dr Andrews gave him a chance to elaborate on his answer. He didn't. "I just want to stop hurting so much inside."
She nodded thoughtfully, looking as though she was choosing her next words very carefully. She always did. "You said you were confused. Why is that?"
Shifting in his seat, Blaine battled with himself about whether he should answer the question posed to him. He wasn't even sure if he could. Everything was a jumbled mess in his head. Kurt coming back had slowly but surely seen to that. The kiss had almost fried what was left of his sanity. Closing his eyes he moaned softly as he tried forming the sentences in his head. "Because I thought I knew how I felt about Kurt. That I had managed to put the past behind me and move on but then he came back and it was like I saw him everywhere and my heart started to sing for him again and then we kissed and..." He trailed off, getting increasingly more agitated as he spoke his mind, the tears springing into the corners of his eyes as his face fell. He was weak. There was no other explanation that he could see. He was weak and he needed help.
"You realised you still love him." Dr Andrews supplied softly and he nodded his head reticently. "Tell me about this kiss."
"It was nothing really, just a kiss..." His therapist raised her eyebrows subtly. She wasn't convinced. But then he hadn't convinced himself either. Biting his lip he resigned himself to baring his whole self to the doctor once again. She always seemed to know when he was omitting parts of the truth out. "Yet it meant everything and more. It was the most profound kiss I have ever shared with Kurt. It was desperate and needy but so filled with love that it left me breathless. I love him so much, I don't know what to do. Do I trust him again and let him back into my heart when he might break it again? Or do I pretend that the kiss meant nothing and keep him at arms length? I just... I don't want to be hurt anymore and it's bringing all the pain right back to the surface again. I can't bear it."
She looked at him for the longest time and Blaine curled into himself even further as he felt like he was being judged somehow. He knew she never would but that didn't stop him from having those thoughts. He pretty much thought everyone was judging him all the time so it wasn't really all that different from his normal every day life. Smiling sweetly at him and with some sympathy, Dr Andrews put her pad down on the table beside her and walked over towards him. Blaine, surprised that she was getting nearer to him, looked on warily till she took his hands in her own and knelt in front of him. She had never done anything this motherly to him before. I must really look like crap. "Sweetheart listen to me. I understand that this is painful and that he hurt you very much but as I've said before love can be very painful. Do you think he sincerely loves you back still? You said the kiss was full of love."
Blaine bit his lips in his mouth as he tried to stem the flow of tears. It didn't work. They flew freely down his face and he was unable to stop them in any way now that they were flowing. "I... He came to see me and he told me he would fight for my love."
"And what do you think about that? Is that something you want?" Dr Andrews asked him in a soothing, almost motherly way. He could feel his shoulders relaxing a little as his sobs subsided. The small circles on the back of his hand that the doctor was making soothed him immensely. He couldn't deny that it felt good to have this physical contact. Someone to care about him without any complications. But God did he want those complications sometimes, and they always came with Kurt.
"I...I do... I know I shouldn't, but I do."
"Why shouldn't you want that Blaine? Why shouldn't you want someone's love?"
"Because he's not good for me..." Blaine whispered out, a last stray tear trickling down his face.
"Blaine, becoming depressed because you lost someone doesn't mean that they were bad for you. You started cutting yourself because you needed a way to release the pain you had inside. We found you a coping mechanism, did you use it yesterday?" Smiling a watery smile at the doctor, he nodded his head. He had gotten out his flat, roll up electronic piano and sang his heart out after calling to say he needed help. She had calmed him down considerably, enough for him to remember his coping mechanism. Music and performing, even if it was only to himself.
"...Yes."
The worry lines on Dr Andrews face disappeared substantially when he answered in the affirmative. It looked like he wasn't beyond help then. Blaine thanked whatever was out there that he wasn't too far beyond repair. "Good. Now I want to tell you a story with the few minutes we have left."
"A story?" He looked at her bemused and she chuckled, getting back up and taking the seat beside his own.
"Yes. It's about a young man who came to me many months ago now and all he would talk about was the man he was in love with. For hours and hours he would tell me about every little thing about this man that he loved so much. Every reason why he loved him, every little quirk he found endearing, every thing that they had done together till this man told him it was over. Do you know who this young man was Blaine?"
Blinking, he waited for the fog to lift as the message of the story became oh so clear. "It was me."
"You have never seemed so alive to me as when you talk about Kurt my dear. Do you remember what you told me about the two of you in our very first meeting."
Smiling he remembered his first session with her. His lengthy tirade about how much he loved Kurt and how he thought they were meant for one another even if Kurt didn't think the same. That had been before his lowest point. The point when he had started cutting himself to try and take the pain away. It had never worked, obviously. "That I felt like I wasn't whole because Kurt and I were like two halves that once together made a whole. That I've never felt whole without him." Tiredly he looked over at the doctor, sitting primly in her seat and looked expectantly at him for the answer to his problems. "I should give him a chance, shouldn't I?"
"I can't tell you what to do my dear." She told him warmly. But he knew. He knew that he had to give Kurt another chance. Third time lucky huh? Blaine smiled hesitantly, nodding that he knew what he must do now. He needed to move forward. To do that he had to learn to trust Kurt again. He had to give him another chance. He needed to help himself get rid of this pain inside.
"Thank you." Now the hard part was about to begin...
Kurt nervously stood outside Blaine's new apartment. The one he had shared with Dave Karofsky. Even now it seemed almost surreal to him that Blaine had ever been in a relationship with Dave. It had felt so wrong. But now it was over he could forget that it ever happened. EVER. Looking down he noticed a minuscule wrinkle from where his seat belt had been over his shirt on the drive over here. Tutting under his breath he smoothed it out and smiled in satisfaction. Now he was perfect. He had specifically chosen a maroon shirt as he knew that was Blaine's favourite colour of all time. Plus he kinda liked this shirt.
Kurt had been pleasantly surprised when Blaine had called him earlier that day asking if he was free for dinner as they needed to talk. He had jumped at the offer. What else was he going to do on a Wednesday evening anyhow? He hoped fervently that this meant that his ex was open to them being a couple again. Trying to keep a poker face on, he took a deep breath in as he knocked on the door, waiting impatiently for the boy on the other side to open it. After about a minute or so he saw an unsure looking Blaine on the other side of the now open door.
"Hi." Blaine whispered out, gesturing for Kurt to come in and give Blaine his coat. Shrugging out of his jacket Kurt turned, feeling the awkwardness radiating off the golden eyed boy. He hated that they were still like this, pussyfooting around one another. It felt so wrong. His insides felt as though they wanted to wrap the smaller boy up in his arms and kiss him senseless.
"Thank you for inviting me to dinner Blaine. To be honest, I didn't think you wanted this..." He shuffled, not really knowing what to do, his hands gripping one another tightly so they wouldn't radiate towards Blaine who was appearing to keep his distance somewhat.
"I realised I should give you a chance to show that you mean what you say." Blaine murmured quietly, his hands in his pockets as he gazed fixated at something on the carpet.
"I do." Kurt smiled widely at the boy, whose eyes were now round as saucers penetrating deep into Kurt's soul, making his stomach do small flip flops in nervous anticipation. Was he finally going to be with Blaine again? God he hoped so.
"So, um, dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes... You kinda got here early." Blaine explained, his arms wrapping themselves around his waist as if to keep him standing up straight. Kurt really took in Blaine for the first time since he stepped inside. He looked pale and tired, big bags under his eyes. Clearly Blaine had been worrying and not sleeping over this whole situation. Kurt hadn't realised that their kiss had had that much of a profound effect on him. It seemed it had.
Wanting to make it better, make Blaine better, Kurt stepped forwards towards his ex fiancé. "I'm sorry, I really am sorry. I wanted to see you so much. I've missed you." He leant down to kiss Blaine, the boy leaning up in response until at the last second Blaine's head turned and Kurt ended up kissing his cheek instead. Blaine shied away slightly, his body twisting away from Kurt and he frowned at the smaller boys behaviour. Hadn't he wanted this? Wasn't this what he wanted to talk about? Kurt, confused, tried to change tactics. Seeing an iPod docked into its station, Kurt went over and found an appropriate song for them to dance to. It was innocent and yet they would be close to one another physically. Before Blaine could stop him, Kurt took the boys hand and slid the other round Blaine's slim waist. Stiff at first Blaine slow danced along with Kurt, but quickly melted into his once boyfriends embrace willingly as the song played it's happy melody.
Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me
Kurt heard Blaine sigh against his ear as they swayed from side to side and he dared to tighten his embrace of the dark haired boy in his arms. "You always did love the golden oldies Blaine."
"Frank Sinatra is a legend Kurt and you know it."
Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you
"I miss you too Kurt." Blaine murmured into Kurt's ear and he twisted in Blaine's now fierce hold of him, looking deeply into the soulful golden eyes of the man he had always loved beyond anything in this world. A lump rose into his throat, almost choking him as he thought about how much he had hurt Blaine. What he had put him through in these last few months. He had been a fool and almost lost the one person that he knew without a doubt could make him happy again.
"I know I've got a lot to make up for but I really want to make it up to you. I love you Blaine, I've never loved anyone else."
"Me either." Blaine whispered and that was all it took for Kurt to claim Blaine's lips upon his own, deeply and passionately.
Blaine moaned as Kurt's lips crashed against his own, his hand subconsciously weaving its way through the chestnut hair to keep the boy from pulling away. He could feel his stomach turning knots at the sheer excitement of the moment. No one but Kurt ever made him feel like butterflies were flying all around his entire body, almost making him float away. His heart hammered hard and fast in his chest as their kiss continued, the heat between them rising. As Kurt's hand wandered down Blaine's chest, deftly unbuttoning his shirt, Blaine's eyes flew wide in shock and abruptly pulled away. His hand gripping Kurt's wrists tightly in an attempt to stop him going further. He couldn't do this, not now. He wasn't ready. He loved Kurt, that wasn't in doubt, but he needed time to learn how to trust that his heart was safe with him. "Kurt stop. I-I Can't."
"Why not? You want us to be together again don't you?" Kurt bit back sharply, hurt plain on his face at being rejected. Blaine could feel himself shrink under Kurt's accusing gaze but he was determined that he was about to do the right thing. He wasn't going to mess this up again. Ever.
"Yes but...I think we need to get to know one another again first."
Kurt trilled with laughter at Blaine's suggestion and the smaller boy balked. This wasn't funny to him. In fact, it had taken a lot of struggle within himself to even get this far. To allow Kurt in this much. "But we already know each other." Kurt exclaimed loudly, not comprehending what Blaine needed at all.
He barked out a laugh in return. Of course Kurt couldn't possibly do anything he wanted or needed in the relationship. It was always him caving, always him compromising. Well Blaine wasn't going to budge on this. For once he was going to stand up for himself. He was protecting his heart and if Kurt didn't like it then he could walk away right now. "I knew you would do this. Why did I even bother?" He venomously spat out, feeling like daggers were stabbing him in the chest as he turned to get the now pointless dinner out of the oven. He couldn't even look at the other boy right now. It hurt too much that Kurt wouldn't compromise for him. He opened the oven door with a bang and threw the dish with the lasagne in it heavily onto the counter top, not caring whether it ruined the surface or not. He felt the soft trickle of tears falling down his face. Why did he always let Kurt do this to himself? In that moment he knew without a doubt that he loved Kurt more than Kurt had ever loved him back. Blaine had heard once that the person being chased was always happier than the one doing the chasing. He felt like half his teen years he had spent running after Kurt and now at nearly twenty he was spent. He couldn't do it any longer.
"Blaine don't be like this, please!" Kurt pleaded behind him. He didn't understand. Would he ever?
"Kurt if we rush back into this like we did last time then nothing will change. I don't know about you but I'm not that person anymore and I think we need to get to know these new versions of us before we do anything physical. We need to understand one another again because I don't think you've understood me for a long time." Blaine told him firmly, his insides shaking like a leaf in the wind, and watched as Kurt stood stock still, shock on his face as the words sank in. His face fell as he began to realise the hurt Blaine had inside of him and Blaine, wanting nothing more than to reach out and embrace the beautiful man in front of him, clenched his fists to stop himself.
"You think I don't understand you?" Kurt whispered out, a tear falling down his face. That was all it took. Blaine walked slowly back over to the man he loved and slid his arms around his waist, his thumb brushing the tear away before he did so.
"No I don't think you do..." He replied honestly, his sadness reflecting in Kurt's own watery eyes.
"Ok. Ok we'll do it your way. We'll get to know each other again."
A small smile found its way onto Kurt's face and Blaine couldn't help but smile back. He felt like his whole body was humming again at the mere thought of being with Kurt again. "Thank you."
"But I need you to know that I will never ever let you go again."
"I hope not..." Blaine whispered and kissed Kurt gently. This was the start of a whole new relationship for them and Blaine had hope that it might work this time...
Song used: Fly Me To the Moon by Frank Sinatra
