A/N: This chapter isn't just filler. It is meant to get inside Roy's head as he deals with his feelings about the situation not only with the house but with how sick Johnny is. So, as it turns out there is one more chapter. I'll post that sometime tomorrow.
I would have posted this chapter last night while I was at work, but we had a pretty busy night in the ER. For some reason we have had a real run on appendicitis and subdural bleeds. There have been 5 hot appendixes in the past two weeks and 4 bleeds. It's a little weird. I've been doing more CT scans in the past few weeks than the past three months combined!

Chapter Three

Cap had to leave and put the engine back in service as well as find a replacement for Johnny. I briefly wondered who it would be; probably Dwyer or Billings, but it really could have been any of the paramedics in the county. I can work with pretty much anyone, but I also know it was going to feel awkward seeing someone besides Johnny sitting in the squad next to me.

Once again I tried to think back to what I had missed; how this could have happened without me realizing it. I was one of the first paramedics in the county. I had the most intensive training, by virtue of being the first one and going through more than just the training program, but helping to put together the workings of the program. How could I not have suspected that a drop like that had caused some damage? I had to shake those thoughts loose. I knew in my head that I was not at fault, but somehow my heart just didn't want to go along with that. It made me wonder, not for the first time, why guilt seemed to be the first reaction of many firemen to situations like this.

I stood up from the table in the lounge and began pacing, the stale cold coffee forgotten. I had nothing left to do but wait. I was never very good at waiting, but this time seemed worse. I had a feeling that the issue with the house was unresolved, regardless of how I'd felt earlier. Maybe that is what was nagging at me. As I thought about it some more it occurred to me that I had gone from being angry with Johnny for buying the house that I wanted, to trying to finagle him into selling it to me. Maybe that was the root cause of the guilt I was feeling. Why shouldn't Johnny have that house? He deserved to own a decent home as much as any guy. So what if he was single. Maybe he was starting on the road to settling down. Maybe he had met a girl who he saw as someone more than a date for any given weekend and just hadn't shared that with me yet. Maybe he just wanted to have a place where he could sleep without neighbors on the other side of the wall constantly arguing at 2 in the morning.

I decided to call Joanne. She could always help me sort out my feelings when they were a jumbled mess. She provided me with an anchor to ground me when I felt like the world or circumstances were spiraling out of my control. I started our conversation with the news about the house. I needed to work up to the point where I told her that I might lose my best friend. I didn't know what I expected, but her response to Johnny buying the house was a surprise to me.

"Roy, you were waffling, weren't you?"

"I don't waffle!" I replied defensively.

"You do. So - Johnny bought the house. We'll just keep looking for one that suits us. You can't really blame him for wanting it, even if it seems a bit much for a single man living on his own. Is he happy with the purchase?"

"I... yeah, I think..."

In an instant my mind brought me back in the kitchen at the station. Johnny walked in practically bubbling and pleased about some news he wanted to share, but I was still so sore about the house that I cut him off with my own complaint. Of course he was happy about the purchase, but my attitude wrecked that for him. I felt my stomach drop as the feeling of guilt increased. Some friend I turned out to be.

"Roy?"

Joanne's question brought me back from my own internal musings. "I'm pretty sure he was happy about buying the house at least until he found out I was upset. He did say something about having second thoughts, but..."

"Second thoughts? Look, Roy, if you really want the house and Johnny is having second thoughts, then that works out, doesn't it? Can't we just buy it from him."

"Yeah, well about that... I'm not sure I want to anymore."

"Roy, you aren't making sense. You were pretty upset yesterday when you found out that someone else had bought the house. I'd think you'd be pleased that it turned out to be Johnny and not some stranger. Why wouldn't you want to ask Johnny to sell it to us, especially if he is having second thoughts?"

"I just don't, Jo. I don't want something like this to destroy our friendship. He bought the house fair and square."

"Roy, what's wrong? You haven't let this come between you two, have you?"

"What? No, I mean, I don't think so."

I was suddenly reminded of Johnny's silence, but no wait, that was because he was sick not because he was upset! Right?

"I was pretty sore this morning, but..."

"What did you say to him, Roy? Please tell me you didn't say something that you can't take back."

"No, Jo, I didn't say anything like that. I just don't..." I knew that my voice betrayed me. I tried to stop the quiver but I couldn't. I kept picturing Johnny pale and weak, and losing all that blood. "Oh, God, Jo."

"What happened to Johnny?"

She knew. Joanne could always read me even when we were just on the phone.

"We had a rescue today at the Johnson Canyon Bridge. A young boy climbed up the abutment and got out on the crossbar under the bridge. He was a good hundred feet up. Johnny climbed up after him. The boy was an epileptic. Before Johnny could get a life belt on him he had a grand mal seizure. He tried to hold onto the kid, but they fell, Jo, both of them."

Joanne gasped before I could say anything more. "Oh my, God, Roy. Is he... did he... die?"

"No! Johnny had a life belt on, but the boy caused them to drop hard. Trust me I know, I was holding Johnny's life line. The line was wrapped around the bridge abutment, but the jerk when they dropped nearly took me off the support arch. We didn't realize that anything had happened. Johnny didn't realize it either, but that drop, it tore something inside. Jo, he's been internally bleeding for a couple of hours. He's in surgery now. I was so mad at Johnny this morning, but when he fell all I could think about was losing him."

"I'm confused. If you didn't know anything was wrong then when did you know, and how did he wind up in the hospital?"

"After the rescue and we got the kid to Rampart, we went back to the firehouse. We had station chores and equipment checks to do. Somewhere along the line I realized that I wasn't upset anymore. Sure I wanted to buy the house, but it's just a house."

I fell silent for a moment, the guilt eating at me.

"There's something you aren't telling me, Roy."

Leave it to my wife to be able to read my silence. "I wasn't mad at Johnny, but I did start trying to goad him into selling the house to me."

"Goad him? How?"

Even though I was alone in the lounge I still felt my face redden with shame. "I basically implied that since I saved his life he should sell the house to me. I was kidding, well mostly."

"I see." Joanne didn't have to say much to get to the heart of things. With those two words 'I see.' she made it clear that she wasn't impressed with what I had done. I wasn't either.

"I still don't understand how you realized that he had been hurt. It sounds like he was fine."

"Well, we were sort of joking about how many times we have saved each other's lives when another call came in. We were on our way to that call when he got sick, Jo. Really sick. I canceled us on the run and pulled over and he went from bad to worse in a matter of seconds."

I considered telling her about the hematemesis*, but that was a graphic detail that wasn't important to what I was trying to tell her.

"What do the doctor's say?"

"I don't know, not yet. I'm just waiting right now."

"Roy, I don't think it was wise to try and guilt Johnny into selling us the house, but it isn't something you should burn yourself up over either. Johnny is your friend and your partner. He won't hold that against you and if your situations were reversed, he might very well have tried to do the same thing. I understand how ill he is, but don't borrow trouble. You were with him, and you got him to the hospital as soon as he showed signs of being sick. He'll be okay. You've told me enough times that the doctors at Rampart are the best, so trust in them."

"I know, you're right. I'm just... I haven't been this worried since he had that monkey virus."

"Johnny is strong. He made it through that virus and the rattlesnake bite. He'll make it through this too. Have a little more faith in his ability to bounce back. Call me when he gets out of surgery."

I could hear the kids in the background. They had just come home from school and Joanne would need to see to them. "Okay, hun, I'll call you later. Give the kids kisses for me okay?"

"I will, and, Roy... I love you."

"I love you too."

I did feel better after talking with Joanne. It didn't help much with the waiting, but at least I knew how I would handle the question of the house. I'd just keep looking. There were plenty of houses out there; Joanne and I would just find a different house. If... no when Johnny made it through this he would have his house without pressure from me to sell.

TBC

* hematemesis - The vomiting of blood