Before Redemption

A Voyager Fan-fiction

By Lauraac2110

Chapter 2: The Truth

Earth, Venice, Chakotay's home, some time later

What Chakotay could hear was rather blurry as he began to stir. Everything which had happened in Paris was a bit of a blur to him so all that he could remember was that Kathryn was back. He couldn't quite remember exactly how he had ended up unconscious or how the Doctor had ended up here with them. Wherever here was, that is.

"He's got extensive liver damage, Kathryn, so you don't have a choice in this matter any more. You've got to do it," The Doctor was saying as Chakotay tried to open his eyes. He found that his eyelids were just too heavy but, fortunately, neither Kathryn Janeway or The Doctor had noticed the fact that he was stirring yet.

"I won't do it, Doctor," she replied quite firmly. "It's just too risky considering the fact that I'm a Borg Queen whether I like it or not and the fact that I'm entirely different from the average Borg. In fact, I'm so different that I'm hundred times more deadly. I won't do it to him, Doctor."

"Do you want him to die?" The Doctor demanded quite bluntly. "At this rate, he'll be dead in a week or less because of the extensive damage to his liver which is causing his major organs to begin to shut down. You've got to do it, Kathryn."

Chakotay couldn't quite believe this fact. He had known that his drinking habits would eventually lead to disastrous consequences but he couldn't quite believe that those disastrous consequences were finally beginning to manifest themselves. He took a deep breath and this caught Kathryn's attention.

"He's stirring. Doctor?" she noted. The Doctor made a lot of noise as he scrambled to fetch something. It didn't take Chakotay very long to find out that the Doctor had picked up a syringe full of anaesthetic because he soon felt a sharp stabbing pain in his neck as unconsciousness began to claim him.

Damn... Chakotay cursed silently as he had hoped that he would manage to avoid detection long enough to allow him to hear the remainder of the conversation. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be.

What is it that Kathryn has to do to save me? Why doesn't she want to do it? He wondered instantly as he slipped back into unconsciousness again.

Earth, Venice, Chakotay's home, the next day

"... And you're definitely sure that there has been no adverse effects?" Kathryn asked as Chakotay began to stir again. Her voice was full of concern for him.

"I'm sure," the Doctor replied firmly. "If there were going to be any adverse effects, I'm sure that they would have appeared by now considering the nature of what you did."

Kathryn sighed in relief. "I suppose, Doctor," she said finally after a few moments of silence.

"The good news is that the damage that he did to himself, through his excessive drinking habits, has been repaired completely. The bad news is that he'll have quite a headache when he comes around tomorrow so he might be a little difficult for a while. He especially won't like what I did to him but I'm not staying to find out. I've got to get the Delta Flyer back to Voyager before Captain Kim notices that I've been gone longer than I said I would be. However, I'll be back in a week for you both," The Doctor smiled.

"Thanks, Doctor," Kathryn replied as she noticed that Chakotay was stirring yet again. "Before you go, though, would you mind..."

The Doctor sighed and, seconds later, Chakotay received yet another injection of anaesthetic. "He'll hate you for that, Kathryn."

"I know but he'll thank me because of the fact that he won't have such a bad headache when he wakes tomorrow," she replied calmly as Chakotay slipped back into unconsciousness again.

Earth, Venice, Chakotay's home, the next day

When Chakotay stirred for a third time, silence greeted him. Although it took him a while, he did finally wake to find that he was lying in a bed with fresh, clean white sheets and that he had been changed into simple clothing by either Kathryn or the Doctor. At his bedside, a jug of fresh water and a glass awaited him with a note saying that he was to drink something as soon as he read this note.

Chakotay did find that he was rather parched so he took the jug and poured himself a glass of water. It didn't quench his thirst so he took another glass and another and another until finally the jug was empty. It was only then that he found that he was no longer thirsty.

He took a moment, of course, to consider what had happened to him. He'd been drugged several times by the Doctor, at Kathryn's command, and he was quite angry about that fact. What really bothered him, though, was the fact that the Doctor had said he had extensive liver damage and whatever Kathryn had done had saved him from a slow and painful death.

However, he didn't quite know whether what she had done was necessary a good thing or a bad thing. He didn't have a clue what she had done but, regardless of whatever it had been, he strangely felt a shiver run up his spine as he thought about it.

Finally, of course, was the throbbing headache which he was feeling because his brain was so dehydrated. Even though he had rested for almost three days, it hadn't lessened in any way. This further added to the colossal hangover which he was now experiencing which made him groan slightly and worsened his mood.

What could he expect after being almost continually drunk over the past few years, though? It was going to take a while for his body to adjust painfully to the fact that he was now sober but, after that period, as far as he was concerned now, he wouldn't be tempted at all to go back to drink. He had been drinking to forget the pain and, now, with Kathryn's return, that pain had vanished completely into thin air.

Kathryn. Her name stirred the old emotions which he had never been able to get over. However, it also stirred a new feeling of betrayal and anger. He got out of bed, as quietly as he possibly could, and left the room. He realised, as he went through into the lounge, that this was his house and that she had taken up residence whilst he had been travelling the world to get drunk. It had been left exactly as he had left it with a few small exceptions which made him smile only for a brief moment before his darkened mood took over again.

Kathryn had left fresh red roses out on the table and, to his surprise, the whole house was filled with their sweet aroma. It wasn't a smell that he disliked at all but it was, after he considered it for a moment, a smell that he had often associated with her.

He looked around. She didn't appear to be anywhere in sight so he wondered whether she had left him here or not. He didn't, however, wonder about that for very long, though.

The door to the spare bedroom opened and, blissfully unaware that he was awake, Kathryn stumbled out in quite a revealing golden nightgown. He couldn't help notice how beautiful she looked in that nightgown, despite her metallic arm, and distant memories of their time together came back to him at that moment which sent a slight blush up his cheeks. When she finally realised that he was there, she blushed furiously.

"I didn't think that you would be wake until later," she said. He politely looked at his feet as she sighed.

"I can see that," he replied with a straight face and an ominous tone. She grimaced, turned and went back into the spare bedroom to fetch a snow white dressing gown, which she quickly put on to protect her modesty, before she came back through. She stayed hesitantly by the door as he dared to look up. Then, he looked her directly in the eye.

Neither of them said anything for a moment until finally Kathryn laughed helplessly.

"I never thought that this would be so difficult," she admitted. Chakotay shrugged.

"Why don't we sit down?" he suggested with the ominous tone still in his voice. "Perhaps, then you'll be able to tell me why you're still alive. And why you didn't have the courtesy to tell me."

She nodded and they sat down on the sofa. She had a sad look upon her face.

"I don't know where I should begin," she admitted.

"Begin wherever you feel comfortable, Kathryn," he urged impatiently. "Just don't lie to me about anything that has happened."

She sighed. Then, she paused for a moment. "I made a mistake, Chakotay, when I went to investigate the dormant Borg Cube. I should have listened to Seven of Nine and not to Starfleet as I did back then. Because of me, an entire crew was assimilated into the Borg Collective and were later killed by the Endgame Virus. Because of me, Chakotay..."

She looked away for another moment. Then, she sighed again. "I don't remember anything from during the assimilation process in my conscious memory but I often wake up soaked in sweat from nightmares. I consider the other crewmen of the ship I was on lucky because they didn't have to go through the seemingly endless agony which I can remember that I went through. The Borg had chosen me to be one of their Queens so I ended up with the specialist work done to me. I lost my arm because of the Borg and it was replaced by this thing."

She waved her metallic arm in disgust before she continued. "I remember some of the atrocities which I committed as a Borg Queen but the first thing I remember so clearly in my mind is when I faced Seven before she unleashed the Endgame Virus. She somehow managed to reach the humanity buried deep inside of me but, instead of her making an attempt to save me, as she wished to, I ordered her to forget about me and to save humanity instead. Then, she unleashed the Endgame Virus and fled the Cube before it exploded. Her efforts, though, were in vain as a few Cubes managed to escape the Virus by hiding in nebulas across the Quadrants. They've now rebuilt the army of Borg drones which once existed three years ago and the universe is in danger from them once again."

"And you..." he began.

"I was on the Cube as it exploded but, somehow, I survived. The next thing I can remember is Lady Q appearing to my human side as I dreamt whilst I was unconscious. She told me that the Q Continuum had taken interest in me and that she wanted me to come with her. I was hesitant but I did go with her. She told me afterwards that, if I had refused to go with her, I would have died," she replied.

She paused again. "The next thing I can remember after that was waking up almost a year later in front of the entire Continuum. Over the year, the Doctor had operated on me several times to remove almost three quarters of the Borg implants and to, as far as possible, give me as much control over the others as he could. They wanted me to help them to destroy the Borg forever but I refused to help them until they offered me an exchange. If I agreed to destroy the Borg, they would bring Neelix and his Talaxians from their old asteroid home. They showed me what was happening to the Talaxians in the Delta Quadrant and, because of all the destruction I witnessed, I agreed to their terms. The Doctor tried to talk me out of it but I didn't listen to him because..."

She couldn't say it but Chakotay guessed instantly. "You seek redemption for the deaths of all the crew who were on that ship with you. Don't you?"

She nodded as she looked away ashamed. "I do," she confirmed. "By destroying the Borg, I hope to redeem myself. I'm often tormented by memories of their happy smiling faces whilst I regenerate and I know that I won't get any peace until I avenge their deaths."

"What happened after you agreed to help the Q?" Chakotay asked quietly. "And why didn't you come find me sooner? Didn't you think that I had a right to know about the fact that you were still alive? Or am I not important to you?"

"They nursed me back to full health for another few months before they sent me back to the universe. Since then, I've been working behind the scenes to disrupt a few Borg plans across the Alpha Quadrant and I've been plotting the Borg's demise as well. I didn't hear about any of you until a few months ago when the Doctor paid me a visit again. Whilst I had been disrupting Borg plans left, right and centre, he had been upgrading Voyager to prepare the ship in case it came under attack from Borg. Fortunately, they've been pursuing me across the Quadrant and haven't turned their attention to Voyager yet," she answered. "When I heard about what had happened to you, I started searching for you. However, I had to break into Starfleet Headquarters before I found out where you were. Once I knew, I went straight to Paris to fetch you. The Doctor piloted the Delta Flyer whilst I fetched you and he was the one who originally knocked you out."

"You've avoided my other questions, Kathryn," Chakotay pointed out angrily.

"I didn't want to put you in any danger, Chakotay," Kathryn replied simply. "My life is extremely dangerous now. Of course, you had a right to know about the fact that I was still alive."

"It doesn't seem that way," Chakotay countered as he stood. "Maybe I should just go now."

"No, don't Chakotay," Kathryn said quickly as she stood. "Of course, you had a right to know. Of course, you're more important to me than anything else in the world. However, I just couldn't risk bringing you into my dangerous world any sooner and I didn't want you getting hurt."

Chakotay took a deep breath as he sat back down. "And the Doctor?"

"He'll be back in a week for us," she replied calmly.

"Whatever for?" he asked.

Kathryn smiled. "I'll tell you over breakfast," she assured as she was about to stand up. Chakotay, however, stopped her.

"I think that there's something that you're not telling me," he warned with the ominous tone still in his voice.

She grimaced. "I didn't think that you would be able to tell that I was hiding something," she said as she paused. "You'll almost certainly remember hearing the Doctor and I talking about your health during at least one of the times you stirred from your unconsciousness. You'll also almost certainly remember that we said that you had extensive liver damage as well..."

She paused again and Chakotay looked at her with an upturned eyebrow as he waited for her to elaborate. "Well?" he asked as he grew impatient with her.

"The Doctor injected you with deactivated nanoprobes to repair the life-threatening damage. The only problem is that they are Queen nanoprobes so we don't know what other effects they might have," Kathryn blurted out.

Chakotay got up angrily. "What?" he demanded. "Are you joking?"

"No, I'm not, Chakotay. I didn't have any other choice. I'm sorry," Kathryn replied simply. "So far, there hasn't been any adverse effects but..."

"So far?" Chakotay echoed. "I could turn into a mindless Borg drone at any moment because of what you've done," he exclaimed angrily. "I need some time alone."

With that, he got to his feet and fled from his house out into the garden, despite her attempts to call him back, and left her alone on the sofa.

Earth, Venice, Chakotay's Garden, several minutes later

As Chakotay stood there, his mind was in absolute turmoil. He couldn't quite absorb everything which Kathryn had said to him. He was angry and confused and it showed in his darkened scowl.

"Chakotay..." Kathryn began as she came out into the garden hesitantly after him.

"Go away," Chakotay replied simply.

"No," Kathryn replied quite firmly. "Don't shut me out, Chakotay. Talk to me."

He shook his head as he turned and walked away from her. However, she followed close behind as he made his way deeper into the garden to the swing. As he sat down, she sat next to him.

There were a few moments of silence. Then, he sighed helplessly.

"You're not going to go away and leave me alone are you?" he asked.

"Nope," she replied with a smile before she grew serious. "Talk to me, Chakotay."

He took a deep breath. "I'm angry that you didn't come to tell me that you were alive. And I'm confused. Why am I not a Borg drone right now?"

She paused. "I can assure you, as I said earlier, that my life is so dangerous that I didn't want to get you involved. There have been at least a dozen attempts on my life since the Borg discovered that I was still alive and I've managed to survive through all of them with a few scars here and there at worst. Although things are much different now, these attempts will continue. I don't have a choice but to involve you as I desperately need your help," she replied.

She took a deep breath. "As I said earlier, you're not a Borg drone right now because the nanoprobes we used had been deactivated by the Doctor. However, as there has never been a Borg Queen defecting to the other side, we don't quite know what effect the Queen nanoprobes may have on you yet," she then said. "However, I had no choice. I really didn't want to use them but the Doctor convinced me otherwise. You were in a really bad way and, eventually, I gave in to the Doctor's demands. After all, you were only a week or so away from death."

"You could have left me to die," Chakotay snapped angrily.

Kathryn was clearly started by this. "You don't mean that, Chakotay," she replied. "If it was I on that table dying, you would do the same thing for me to save me and you know it."

He was silent for a few moments before he sighed. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, I can't help but be a little angry about your return. I suppose, though, that I should just be glad that you're back," he said finally.

"It's perfectly understandable, Chakotay. A number of people are going to react the same way as you've done," she assured. "Especially when the Borg start trying to kill me again."

He nodded as he saw a glint of fear in her eyes for a moment. She wouldn't admit it but he knew that she was afraid of what the Borg would do to her when they finally caught up with her.

"Oh Chakotay..." she sighed after a few moments of silence.

Hesitantly, he put his arm around her and held her close to comfort her. She took a deep shuddering breath as she leaned against him for a few moments. Whilst she did this, she was reminded of their relationship and couldn't help but smile about the wonderful bitter-sweet memories that came to her of them both sitting here together.

Then, she sighed again and the smile vanished as she decided to set things straight between them right from the offset.

"Chakotay... I... I honestly don't know how to say this," she began as she gently removed the arm around her. "I can't go back to the way things were before I was assimilated. I'll always treasure the time which we spent together as lovers but I don't want to pick up where we left of. I don't want to have anything that the Borg can use against me. Maybe, we can start from where we left off after I've destroyed the Borg but not until then. I'm sorry, Chakotay."

Chakotay was crestfallen by this news but he hid his distress from her extremely well. "I understand, Kathryn. Just know that I can't let go of my feelings as, after trying so hard to get over them for the last three years, I've learned that they are just too powerful for me to ignore. Just know also that I'll be waiting for the end of the Borg to come and, when it does, if we haven't got back together before that moment, I'll be seeking to pick up where we left off."

She couldn't help but blush at this before she regained her composure. "I'll keep that in mind," she replied.

"So, what's your plan to destroy the Borg?" Chakotay asked finally after another few moments of silence.

"I'll tell you that over breakfast," she promised as she took his hand and lead him to the breakfast table.

Earth, Venice, Chakotay's home, a minute or so later

She may try to resist it but I know that she's got to still have emotions for me buried in her heart somewhere. All I can do, though, is wait and hope that she'll finally stop denying them. When that day comes, she won't be able to find a way to ignore us. Chakotay thought as he sat down at the breakfast table whilst Kathryn made him a vegetarian breakfast of various fruits chopped up in a bowl.

I've got to ignore these emotions. She thought as she brushed the old emotions that were beginning to stir in her to one side. I've got a duty to defeat the Borg and I can't let anything get in the way. Let's just hope that Chakotay doesn't try to press the matter too much, though. If he presses the matter too hard, I don't know what I'll do in response.

She continued cutting up the fruit as she sighed inwardly. It was just going to be another challenge which she would have to overcome during her quest to defeat the Borg. Kathryn Janeway wasn't deterred though. Like all challenges that got in her way, she was sure that she would find a novel way to best it soon enough. She wouldn't be Kathryn Janeway if she didn't.