My Little life
CAST:
Serena Abtine: ME!!!!!!!!
Lilly Abtine: Montana Bull
Hannah Lizardo: Chelsea Johnson
Charlie Abtine: Chelsea Johnson
(SCENE ONE)
Lilly Abtine: (knocks at door) Serena, wake up. (walks in) Serena. (realizes she's not there) SERENA!
Charlie Abtine (runs in) Lilly, what's wrong?
Lilly: Charlie, Serena's missing!
Charlie: (dials number into phone) I'll call the neighbors.
Mrs. Fenton:
Hello?
Charlie: Mrs. F., it's me, Charlie Abtine.
Mrs. Fenton: Hello, Mr.
Abtine. How are you?
Charlie: Horrible! Serena's missing!
Mrs. Fenton: I don't
know how to help you; why don't you call Mrs.
Piggle-Wiggle?
Charlie: Mrs. Fenton, pardon my French, but, WHAT
THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS?!
Mrs. Fenton: Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle.
Charlie: She's a book character.
Mrs. Fenton: You drank my soda!
Charlie: What
soda?
Mrs. Fenton: You weren't supposed to kill him!
Charlie:
Kill whom?
Mrs. Fenton: Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle!
Charlie: That's a
woman!
Mrs. Fenton: Welcome to
Pizza Hut! May I take your order? (Charlie has hung up, doesn't
realize it) Oh, so you want a Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle with extra onions?
That's going to be $5.38 at the next window!
Charlie: She went
crazy. Btch. She doesn't know that Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle died
yesterday.
Mrs. Fenton: (wearing Pizza Hut uniform) Here's Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle with extra onions. That's $5.38. (Charlie closes window on her hand)
Charlie: Now that Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle died, I'll call the police.
Police: Hello, this is
911. What is your emergency? Is it purple?
Charlie: IS EVERYONE
GOING CRAZY? THEIR NUTTY BTCHES! And yes, it's purple!
Police: Come down sir. Now what's the purple emergency?
Charlie: My daughter is missing. And it's pink.
Police: So your pink
daughter is missing?
Charlie: No, the problem is pink. Her name is
Serena Abtine.
Police: Okay, give me some information about Serena. And, by any chance, when the last time you saw Serena, was she wearing pink?
Charlie: No! It was purple with yellow polka dots. She is 22 pounds and two feet two inches tall.
Police: How old is
Serena?
Charlie: Eleven. (Police hangs up)
Lilly: Did you spit in
your eye?
Charlie: Yes, it burns. And the police hung up.
Lilly: Honey, lets go buy some "MISSING" posters. On the way, let's run over the neighbors' cats.
Charlie: Let's go! I hate those cats! Their faces look like butts!
Lilly: Shotgun!
Charlie: Ow, my nuts!
Lilly: I'll drive. What happen? Did you spit in your eye and then it went down to your nuts?
Charlie: I think so. Now my problem is purple.
(SCENE TWO)
Charlie: Let's watch
CSI: Miami. Maybe it'll be pink! And teach us how to find
Serena!
Lilly: I love pink problems!
Cat: I do too.
Lilly: Where did that
fcking cat come from?
Cat: I'm from Hollywood, maybe Miami,
maybe Pluto, and ME-OW! MY FCKING FOOT! SHE STEPPED ON MY FOOT!
Lilly: Now, he's gone. So we can talk about US!
Charlie: Okay! I heard SpongeBob was shot!
Lilly: No way!
Really?
Charlie: Yes, he shot himself. Superman kissed him and
made-out with him. And he shot himself in the nuts.
Lilly: OW!
Charlie: What now? BTCH!
Lilly: CSI. How do you spell CSI?
Charlie: H-O-R-E.
(SCENE THREE)
Lilly:
(phone rings) Hello? Hello! Where? OH MY GOD!
Charlie: What? I am
making Mt. Everest out of the mashed potatoes you gave me!
Lilly: Charlie, the cat died.
Charlie: NO!!!!!! Wait, we don't have a cat. (phone rings again) Hello? Yes, this is Charlie um (puts hand over mouth piece) Honey, what's our last name?
Lilly: Remember the cat from Pluto? He…
Charlie: Yes, this is
Charlie Remember-the-cat-from-Pluto-he. NO! Not Serena!
Lilly:
What's wrong?
Charlie: They found Serena dead this morning.
Lilly: Well, let's go get her.
Charlie: I'll make a coffin myself.
Lilly: I'll help.
(Starts to cry)
Charlie: (in the car) There it is, where they
found her.
Lilly: She looks so peaceful.
Charlie: (in the car
home) What is she going to wear at the funeral?
Lilly: What about
the dress she wore to church?
Charlie: She'll look good in that.
(SCENE FOUR)
Lilly: Drop me off here. I'm going to sign up for a therapist.
Hannah: Hello, I'm Hannah Lizardo.
Lilly: I'm Lilly Abtine.
Hannah: How can I help
you Mrs. Abtine?
Lilly: My daughter just died and I'm going to
need a therapist.
Hannah: You've come to the right place. I do therapy for up to six months, fifty dollars per month.
Lilly: All I have is a twenty and a checkbook.
Hannah: Tell you what – just write a check and when you have the money to pay for it, tell me and I'll cash it then.
Lilly: Thank you, oh thank you! You're the best! (Starts hugging Hannah)
Hannah: This is kind of awkward.
Lilly: (walks out to car) I just signed up for…
Charlie: (making out with car seat) I love you!
Lilly: HEY!
Charlie:
Love you! (kisses her)
