a/n: I do not own Twilight or You Could Be Happy... but they both are my some of my favorite things...

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Chapter 3 – Letting Go

I am lost.

I am so lost that I call in sick to work and tell them that I won't be in the rest of the week.

For the last two days Bella has been steadily packing her belongings. With each item she packs the hole in my chest grows larger and I don't think there is anything I can do to change her mind. I'm not sure if I should even try.

She isn't really talking to me. But, when I ask her questions she answers.

"When are you leaving?" I ask.

"I am flying out Wednesday, but my job officially starts Monday."

"Where are you staying?"

"I am staying with a co-worker until I can find a place of my own."

I pause for a moment, running through which of Bella's co-workers it could possibly be. When I come up empty, I ask, "Who?"

"Her name is Kate. You've never met her," Bella's voice trails off.

It's all very robotic and impersonal. She barely looks up at me and when she does the pain in her eyes only deepens my own, making it hard for me to breathe.

"How long will you be there?" I ask quietly.

"My contract is for two years with the option to renew in eighteen months."

"Will you come back to visit?"

"Maybe, I'm not really sure right now," she answers softly.

I leave the house for a little while because I just can't breathe any more. I get in the car to drive away, but the emotions are too much and my thoughts are crushing me.

She's leaving me.

In a little more than a day she will be on a plane and I may never see her again. I have irrevocably damaged the one thing that I held so close to my heart. I have unknowingly hurt my best friend, the woman I love so deeply that I am just now beginning to fathom the depth. And she needs this. She needs to go and do this for herself. As much as I love her and want her to stay with me forever, I have to let her go.

With that thought tears stream down my face. I rest my head against my steering wheel and wonder if I slam my head against it hard enough would it dull the pain in my chest. I stay in my car for a few minutes and try to collect myself.

Scrubbing my face with my hands I sigh. I've known all along that I have been holding on too tightly. Bella has always been amazing at everything she has ever done and it was just a matter of time before the right person saw her and made her an offer that would boost her career to the next level. And now that has happened.

When I finally make my way back into the house, I find Bella on the phone. She hangs up quickly and nervously looks up at me from the couch.

"Who was that?" I ask, slightly annoyed, but mostly worried about who could have possibly been on the other end of the phone. I walk over and sit down next to her, taking her petite hands into my own, cradling them like they are the most precious things in this world.

Bella turns her body towards mine and whispers, "That was Rose. She's going to come and get me in the morning and I am going to spend tomorrow with her and Alice."

I just nod and pull her against my chest. I lean back into the sofa trying to keeping her close and I lose it. I can't hide my tears from her any longer. I hug her tightly to me, wishing I never had to let her go.

Bella sits up and looks at me and when she sees that I'm crying she begins to cry as well. "Talk to me," she begs quietly. I shake my head no, not feeling capable of forming a coherent thought. She quickly straddles my lap and takes my face between her hands. "Damn it, Edward, if you ever loved me, you need to talk to me, now," she implores.

"I do love you," I whisper, "I will always love you." I lean in and kiss her gently on the lips. She begins to kiss me back, but I pull away. "I have to let you go and I think it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do," I tell her, trying to hold it all in.

Bella shakes her head, "We can try the long-distance thing," she whispers as she grabs the hair at the back of my head tightly in her hands.

"No…" I groan, "I can't. I have to let you go." I look into her deep brown, understanding eyes and whisper, "I don't want to hold you back anymore."

Before I can say another word Bella's mouth crashes down on mine. She's kissing me fiercely while pulling my hair harder than she ever has before. All I can do is groan into her mouth and try to keep up. She pulls my t-shirt up over my head and throws it somewhere in the Living Room. I follow suit and pull hers off and throw it by the way side as well.

Bella attacks my mouth again and begins grinding herself against my immediately painful erection. I can't help but push back against her burning core as I palm her ass roughly with my hands. Bella groans into my mouth and I can't take it anymore. I lean us forward and stand up while holding her against me. She doesn't break our kiss, but immediately wraps her legs around my waist and I slowly make my way to our bedroom.

I push her up against out bedroom door and grind into her as I reach, blindly for the door knob. After a missing the mark, Bella leans back just a bit, and easily finds the knob and opens the door. I push us into our room and lean down and place Bella onto the foot of our bed.

Slowly, I break away and stand up in front of her. She immediately comes up onto her knees and grabs the belt loops of my jeans, pulling me towards her. I lean down and gently kiss her already swollen lips and my left hand goes to the nape of her neck, while my right cradles her face. Her small, hot hands immediately begin burning a trail up my stomach to my chest and back down to the waistband. I let my hand that had been at the nape of Bella's neck trace and begin to make my way down her delicate neck until I feel her collarbone. I feel the elegant line under the tips of my fingers until I reach her shoulder. I run my hand down her arm and then over to her breast, where I find an already hard nipple waiting for my attention. I pinch and pull as I deepen our kiss. Bella unzips my jeans and begins to pull my pants and boxers down, letting them fall to the floor. One of her greedy little hands immediately palms my erection, making me hiss into her mouth. Everything about her feels so good, so perfect.

She pulls her mouth away from mine and begins trailing kissing down my neck and chest. I look down just as she pulls her mouth away from my stomach and she quickly takes my aching erection into her mouth. I groan her name and she glances up at me while keeping my cock in her mouth. I reach up and gently move a strand of hair away from her face. She begins to move, slowly taking me deeper into her mouth. I caress her cheek gently with my thumb. As Bella's pace quickens, I can't help but groan and wrap my hands in her hair. I'm not guiding her by any means. I'm just trying to feel more… more than just her hot, velvet mouth gliding around my dick, but the silky feel of her beautiful, chestnut hair between my fingers. Her hands are caressing my legs and ass and the sensations are fucking amazing.

My balls begin to tighten and I whisper her name, "Bella…." When she glances up, I tell her, "Come up here."

She pulls away slowly, teasing my shaft and my head with her tongue as she eases away. She sits back on her knees and I lean down and kiss her gently on the lips. "I want to make love to you," I say quietly against her lips. Bella nods and then slinks back further into the middle of the bed. Once she settles on the bed she reaches out for me with her hand and I quickly kneel down onto the bed and take her hand into mine and I allow her to pull me towards her. I settle between her legs and lean forward onto my elbows, cradling her face with my hands. I look down at her and smile.

She is gorgeous. Her face is slightly flushed and her lips slightly swollen. She blinks up at me and then smiles. "What?" she asks quietly, her voice throaty.

"You're beautiful," I say sweetly and then kiss her lips before she can deny it. She opens her mouth to mine and at the same time she runs her hands down my back and up my sides, sending chills through my body. I gasp and her tongue sneaks into my mouth and our kiss turns playful.

I shift my hips a bit and I feel her push against me. She's hot and wet and I can't wait any longer to get inside of her. I rest my forehead against hers and align myself with her and push forward slightly. She takes a deep breath as I push further into her.

And then we completely lose ourselves in one another.

It's morning when I roll over to reach for her and find that I'm alone in our bed. I take a deep breathe, realizing that today's the day: today's the day that she's leaving me. The smell of her shampoo lingers on her pillow and I pull it to my bare chest and bury my face in the cool material, not wanting to face the day.

I can hear her shuffling around the rest of the house and then I hear her walk into our bedroom. The bed beside me sinks down slightly and I open my eyes to see Bella's red-rimmed eyes staring intently into mine.

"Hi," she says softly.

"Mornin'," I respond timidly.

"I…" she stutters and then looks down at her hands before continuing, "… I have to get going," she whispers.

I sit up in the bed and whisper, "Come here," as I pull her to me. Bella folds into my chest and I can feel her body shutter with a silent sob. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head, "It's going to be ok," I try to reassure her.

"How can you say that?" she asks as she nuzzles against my neck.

"Because it has to be," I whisper in her ear and kiss her cheek.

Bella looks up at me and smiles slightly. "I have to get going," she sighs.

I run my hands up her arms and then gently take her face between my hands. I look into the deep brown eyes of the love of my life and my heart shatters as I ask myself 'What in the hell are you thinking letting her go'. I lower my lips onto hers and kiss her gently. "I love you," I whisper against her lips. She brings her hands to my face and smiles, "I love you, too." She wraps her arms around my neck and hugs me as if her life depends on it.

And then in the blink of an eye she's out of my arms and standing next to the bed. "Bella?" I question, not sure what shifted so quickly.

"I have to go," she whimpers and then takes another step away from me.

I rake my hands through my hair and over my face. I feel so fucking helpless. I don't want her to go. I want her to stay with me. Not just for today, but for always. And I know, it is way too late and there's nothing I can do to change her mind. "Will you call me before you leave tomorrow?" I ask nervously, afraid she's going to say no.

"I will," she answers. She turns and walks to the bedroom door, but pauses when she reaches it. She turns to face me, leaning on the door frame. "Good bye, Edward," she croaks, as tears begin to fall down her porcelain cheeks.

Before I can answer she's gone in a flash of brown hair. I realize in that instant I have to stop her… I have to make her stay. My heart is beating out of my chest and I can feel it pounding in my head. I begin to call out her name, but I can't find my voice and I can't breathe. I hear the front door slam and I jump out of the bed. I fumble around our bedroom, looking for a pair of boxers. I find the pair I wore yesterday and quickly pull them on. I hear the front door creak open and yell, "Bella… wait!"

I stumble around the bedroom door and fall into the Living Room only to find Jasper and Emmett standing in my kitchen. "Fuck," I mutter, knowing that there is no way that these two will let me stop her.

"Damn, man, go put some pants on," Emmett chuckles.

"Fuck off, Em," I groan. "What in the hell are you two doing here?" I ask not wanting to deal with either of them. If I can't have her, I just want to be left alone.

"You're stuck with us," Jasper smiles, "Girls orders."

I scowl. I don't need or want their 'girls' interfering with my life. "Why don't you two go the fuck home. If I need you I will call you." I head back into my bedroom and slam my door behind me. "Meddling fuckers," I groan and climb back into bed.

"WE AREN'T LEAVING!" I hear Emmett yell as I pull my blankets over my head and try like hell not to cry.

The next few weeks go by at an agonizingly slow pace. Bella did call me before she boarded her plane and then again when she made it to her flat in London. I haven't heard her voice since then. She sent me a text last week telling me she missed me and I told her I missed her more than she knew. But, I couldn't bring myself to call her.

I go to bed every night and bury my face, crying into her pillow. I can't escape her scent. When I open the closet the smell of her perfume has permeated all of my clothes. And then, when I get dressed she lingers with me throughout the day. She left a bottle of her shampoo in my shower and I can't resist using it to wash my hair. Making our bed continue to smell of her shampoo, but it wasn't quite the same. It wasn't quite the sweet smell of her shampoo mixed with Bella's naturally sweet scent. But, it was close.

When September rolls around I text Bella and wish her a Happy Birthday. I still can't bring myself to call her. As much as I want to hear her voice, I know saying goodbye to her again will shatter me. Right after I send the text my cell phone rings and I'm only slightly relieved when I see it's my sister, Alice, instead of Bella.

I take a deep breath and answer the phone, "Hey, Al."

"Big Brother," her voice chimes through the phone, "How have you been?"

I laugh bitterly, "Fine, Al… I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm good. I was hoping we could get together for lunch today. What do ya say?" she goads.

"Umm," I stall, wanting to avoid seeing anyone. "I… hell… I just don't want to."

"Listen up Edward," Alice's voice changes from sweet to blunt, "You need to meet me for lunch or Mom and Dad are going to be on your door step in the morning. You choose."

"What? Why?" I ask wishing everyone would just leave me alone and mind their own fucking business.

"Edward, just meet me at Josie's for lunch at Noon, ok?" She demands.

"Fine," I groan and hang up my cell phone and page, Jessica, my secretary.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen?"

"Call Josie's and make a twelve o' clock reservation for two," I snap, not wanting to have lunch with anyone, let alone Alice. But, seeing her is better than having to deal with the rest of my family. I'm not in the mood to deal with the sickening sweet, happily-married Cullen clan.

"Yes, sir," She answers quickly and cuts off the intercom. She buzzes back quickly. "Mr. Cullen?"

"Yes?"

"Your reservation has been made. Is there anything else, sir?"

"No. Thank you, Jessica," I reply automatically.

"You're welcome, sir." And then she's gone. Jessica is the best secretary I've ever had. She's quiet, efficient and dependable. Bella liked her as well. They had actually gotten to be friends and Bella felt very comfortable with the fact that Jessica was happily married to my partner, Mike. Jessica quickly picked up on Bella's absence in my life. It was easy to figure out between my melancholy moods and the startling end to Bella's phone calls to my office. Jessica hasn't said anything to me. But, she had become even more attentive, more concerned, than she had been in the past.

At eleven-thirty Jessica reminds me, "Mr. Cullen, you have your lunch reservation."

"Thanks," I answer and close the files the files that I had been going over on my laptop. I put my laptop in my bag. I gather my jacket and the rest of my belongings and head out of my office. Jessica looks up at me from her desk and smiles slightly. "Do I have any other appointments this afternoon?" I ask.

Jessica glances down at her computer before answering, "No sir. You have nothing until tomorrow morning."

"Oh," it strikes me as a bit odd not to have another appointment for the day. "Why is that?" I ask.

Jessica shifts in her seat, looking uncomfortable. "Well, sir, all new clients have been assigned to Mr. Newton," she answers quietly.

"Why is that?" I ask, wondering when and why that decision has been made for me and not with me.

"Sir, maybe you should talk to Mr. Newton about that, it's really not my place to say," her face reddens and she looks up at me sheepishly.

"Jessica, I don't want to talk to Mike about this right now." I'm frustrated and if I talk to Mike it will just get worse. "Just tell me what's going on."

"A couple of clients complained to Mike and then they were shifted to him." Jessica sees the hurt expression on my face and stands up, placing her hand on mine that was resting on the ledge in front of her desk. I bristle at the contact and pull my hand away. "Mr. Cullen, he's trying to give you time to get back to yourself without making a big deal out of what's going on," she says in a hushed voice.

"I see," I grumble. I look down at my brown leather shoe and ask, "Have I really been that off?"

"You just haven't been yourself, that's all," she tells me gently, her eyes begging me not to be angry with her.

"I think I'm going to take the rest of the day off. I need to get my head straight." I turn and walk away before she can answer. If the needs me she knows how to get in touch with me. But, I would venture a guess that she would call Mike before she would call me right now.

I make it Josie's, a small bistro that has a limited clientele and a normally long wait, in about fifteen minutes. Alice, unusually early, is standing near the front door waiting for me. When she first sees me her expression becomes sad and then when she catches me looking at her she pastes on a wide-grin trying to hide her obvious concern.

"Alice," I smile and then reach out to pull her into a hug. Her petite frame feels fuller against mine and I wonder if my waif of a sister has finally put on a little weight. "You look good," I tell her as I move to open the door for her.

"Thanks," she smiles up at me. My normally chatty little sister is oddly quiet and it's slightly unnerving.

I tell the hostess our name and we are seated quickly at small table next to a window. Our waitress comes and takes our drink orders and then disappears.

"So, what's up Al?" I question, breaking the uncomfortable silence and wanting to hurry up and get this over with.

"Edward…" she whispers. She looks at me, her eyes are gentle and I can see that she's actually thinking before she speaks. "We are worried about you," she says quietly.

"I'm fine," I groan and lean back into my chair for support.

"You don't look fine," she states matter-of-factly. She raises her eyebrows and then continues, "You've lost weight. Have you been eating?"

"Yes, I eat," I lie with a resigned sigh.

"Why haven't you called Jazz or Emmett back? You don't even answer the door when we stop by the house. And no one has seen you since Bells left six weeks ago. We are all worried about you. This isn't like you."

"I don't feel like talking to anyone," I snap. "Especially, any of you," I let slip under my breath.

Alice's eyes go wide. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Her gaze cuts straight to my heart and I can't bear it. I look down at my hands that are in my lap and continue, "I don't want to hear it… or see it in your eyes."

"What is 'it'?" she asks softly.

I glance up and see that her expression has softened a bit, "Disappointment… judgement … pity… Bella… I just can't handle any of it right now."

"Edward, no one is doing any of that…" I scoff out loud at her statement, knowing damn well there's no way Rosalie hasn't made her contempt for me even more clear than normal. "… fine, Rose is Rose," Alice smiles, "But the rest of us are here for you. We love you and want you to be okay."

"Thanks, Al," I answer softly. The waitress brings us our drinks and quickly takes our order, disappearing as fast as she had appeared.

"Have you talked to Bella?" Alice asks as she sips her water.

I can't say the words. So, I shake my head no. "You?" I ask.

She shakes her head yes. "Why haven't you talked to her?" Alice pries.

"I, well, I texted her this morning and wished her a happy birthday. But, I just can't hear her voice right now."

"Why? I thought things were good when she left," Alice says off-handedly.

I laugh and shake my head again, "Good would be an over-statement."

"Explain, please. Because I think Bella left with a different take on your relationship than what you seem to have."

I'm all of the sudden eager to hear what Alice has to say and lean forward in my chair expectantly, "What did she say?" I beg.

"Well, when she left she thought she could make your relationship work even though it was going to be rough. But, when you stopped communicating with her altogether, she realized that you were really letting her go. So, now she's trying to respect your decision… even though it's killing her."

"Oh," I don't know what to say. I thought Bella and I had agreed to not do the long-distance thing. The waitress brings us our food and I can't eat. I aimlessly shift my salad around my plate, going over what Alice just said over and over in my head.

"Edward?" Alice asks, breaking my attention away from my plate. "Can I ask you something?"

I chuckle, darkly, "Since when do you have to ask?"

She smiles, knowing I'm right. "Why did you let her go?"

I take a deep breath before answering. "You know I ask myself that same question all of the time." I stuff a piece of grilled chicken into my mouth and take my time chewing, glad to have an excuse not to talk. I choke it down and then take a drink from my water glass. I clear my throat and then continue, "How could I hold her back from such an amazing opportunity?"

Alice glares at me pointedly. "Why didn't you try and figure it out? Why didn't you try to go with her? Why are you cutting her out, now?" she asks in quick succession.

"Bella didn't give me any time. She dropped it my lap days before she had to leave. And I'm not cutting her out. I just can't handle it right now… it hurts too much," I add quietly. "Alice, she was leaving me regardless of what I wanted. She went and made this huge decision without even talking to me about it. She had her reasons, but it doesn't make it hurt any less."

"I get that," Alice nods and then asks, "So, are you planning on calling her?"

I cock my head to the side, slightly exasperated. "Why is this so hard to understand?" I ask. "I can't, Al. If I call her … I will just be hanging on to what little we have left. And Bella doesn't need me hanging on to her right now."

"How do you know what Bella needs?" Alice snaps at me and now it's my turn to glare at my sister.

I lean forward and rest my forearms on the table. "What is that supposed to mean?" I growl.

Alice seems to accept my challenge by leaning forward as well. "You are assuming quite a bit without even talking it through with a woman you have spent how many years of your life with?" she hisses.

"Six years… we were together for six years. And Bella made this decision without ME," I bark, trying not to raise my voice. "YOU need to back off and realize that I might just know what is best for me and for Bella. She wants to do this. She wants to stand on her own and as much as I don't want to… I have to take a step back and let her." I push myself back into my chair and look around for the waitress and wave her over. "Can I get the check, please?" She nods and practically runs away from our table.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I am. I wanted to have lunch with you and just make sure you were ok. I can see this is hard on you and I know it's hard on her, too. But, I want you to know that it affects all of us, too."

"Well, you know what?" I grumble. "Bella and I are adults and we have to deal with the repercussions of our decisions: Me and Bella, not you, or Jasper, or Mom and Dad. I appreciate that you all love us and want us to be ok. But, you need to accept the facts of the situation: She left, she's in London, she might not come back AND I have to let her go. If there is any hope for us, she has to do this for herself and see if she even wants to have a life with me."

"Edward…" Alice begins but I cut her off.

"I'm done talking about this," I groan. I stand and take my wallet from my pocket and throw more than enough money to pay for lunch down on the table. "I have to go, Al," I lean down and kiss her on her cheek, "Tell everyone I'm fine and I will try to be more communicative." I quickly walk away, not waiting around to hear what more she would have to say.


a/n: I'm not sure who I feel worse for Edward or Bella... Let me know what you think... I'm very curious :)

See you all next week...