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Chapter 3 – Revenge of the Little Rascals

As punishment for their rude behavior, Luke and Leia had spent the afternoon stuck in their room. Ironically, and in bitter justice, their only source of entertainment was watching Anakin and Palpatine's antics from afar. The two seemed to be having a grand time, even though Palpatine frequently got tangled in his own fishing line.

The longer they watched the two grown men, the more they hated the older one. They hated him for indirectly getting them in trouble. Adding insult to injury was the fact that he'd monopolized their father's time and attention. Sure, Anakin had invited them to tag along, but he should have known it was a worthless offer. Like they'd have willingly spent time with someone who looked like a scarecrow and ate bugs off tree bark?

"I just saw him catch a dragonfly," Luke mumbled idly, chin resting on the windowsill.

"I'm so hungry I could almost eat one!"

"It has to be almost time for dinner."

"My stomach is starting to digest itself," Leia moaned. "Once we eat, I say we work on sending him home early."

"What do you mean?"

"I have a couple ideas," she conspired, whispering in her brother's ear.

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Padmé suspected nothing when two cherubic faces entered the bathroom to wash for dinner. Neither did she notice the bottle of hot sauce missing from the refrigerator condiments. She only knew she was glad the first full day of Palpatine's visit was coming to an end. One down, six more to go.

At least Anakin had kept his end of the bargain, keeping the old man out of her hair most of the day. The two buddies had caught several fish that were being baked for dinner. Palpatine was also rather proud of having hooked an old boot, which he was smoking on the outdoor grill. He was fiercely possessive of the catch and guarded it by prowling the patio incessantly.

"Is he gonna come inside to eat?" Luke sounded concerned as he watched the Sith from the kitchen window.

Padmé blinked. "You actually want him to?"

"Uh, no, not really… I just… don't want people across the lake to see him. You know, with binoculars or something," he said hastily.

"Oh. I'm sure your father won't let him eat alone. He'll drag him back in, just you wait."

Checking the fish in the oven, Padmé missed the scheming look that passed between her children.

"Why don't you two go ahead and set the table. It won't be long now."

"And while you're at it, bring Palpatine's dentures to his place setting," Anakin decreed. "Mom told me about your little 'visit' to the drug store today. I think one last consequence will make it right."

"It sure will!" Leia whispered gleefully to Luke as they chased each other to the bathroom. Returning with a cup of floating dentures, they set it down ceremoniously next to a glass of what appeared to be apple cider. Luke had poured it just for Palpatine, claiming he wanted to amend for his earlier actions by serving the Sith's favorite beverage.

Anakin wondered how the boy knew it was Palpatine's favorite when he didn't even know. Padmé was skeptical that his favorite wasn't actually pinecone broth. But neither parent wanted to dash Luke's kind gesture, so they said nothing.

Minutes later, in came an ecstatic Palpatine carrying a plate of well-cooked leather. He'd even garnished it with twigs and, by the looks of it, poison ivy.

"Let's eat!" he sat down eagerly. "Nobody touches this plate! Mine! All mine!"

"Um, Palpatine, that's poison ivy…" Anakin pointed to the leaves.

The Sith angrily swatted Anakin's hand away. "Nonsense! Try to scare me away and then take the best food for yourself! I think not!"

Luke and Leia exchanged looks again. Maybe they didn't need a scheme after all. Palpatine might just prank himself out of Varykino before they could.

"Ooh, my dentures! How thoughtful of you!"

Uncapping the tube of denture paste next to the cup, he daintily plucked the top set of teeth from the soaking solution. He hummed merrily while spreading the paste, disregarding the looks of disgust on Padmé and Anakin's faces and that of wicked anticipation on the twins'. In went the top half and he went about priming the bottom set.

All was quiet and unexceptional until five seconds after he inserted the bottom row. Smacking his lips pensively, Palpatine frowned a little. One eye started to twitch. Then the other. His skin turned red from the base of his neck all the way to his hairline.

"HOT! HOT! OH, HAVE MERCY!"

Startled, Anakin and Padmé didn't fully understand what was happening.

"Flush your mouth out with the cider!" Anakin suggested.

Palpatine's chair rattled from his flailing contortions, but somehow he managed to grip his glass with shaking hands. He closed his eyes in anticipation of cool, sweet relief. What he got instead was a mouthful of the most bitter, stinging liquid that had ever passed his lips. And that was saying something.

"SPFFFGGHT!" he spat it onto the floor. "What vile potion IS this?"

Anakin sniffed what was left in the glass and crinkled his nose. "That's not cider. Smells like something from the medicine cabinet!"

"Luke, what did you put in that glass?" Padmé glared at her son.

"And what did you two do to his dentures?" Anakin demanded.

"Nothing…" they looked down at their laps.

"Luke Anakin and Leia Amidala! Don't you dare lie to us!"

"Yeah! I'm a Jedi, remember? I can tell you're lying!" Anakin crossed his arms.

Fidgeting and squirming, the twins were too self-conscious to look up.

"Just some wart remover," Luke confessed first.

"And a little hot sauce in his denture cup and paste," Leia came clean.

"…But it was half cider!"

"…And I only put a teaspoon of sauce in the cup!"

"Both of you, go to your room NOW!" their parents bellowed.

As the chastened duo sulked out of the dining room, Padmé fetched a pitcher of milk and quickly poured a new glass for Palpatine, who was writhing on the floor in agony.

"Drink this! It's just milk, I promise!"

"It had better be!" the Sith hissed, chugging it in three seconds flat. He tossed the empty glass over his shoulder with a soulful sigh. "Bless you. I nearly died."

"We're so sorry about this," she helped him return to his seat.

"Quite the scoundrels you're raising!"

"We've never taught or encouraged them to do such things!"

"Well, if you can't keep them in line, I will!" Palpatine gnawed on a strip of boot. "From now until I leave, they shall wait on me hand and foot!"

Anakin looked as worried as Padmé. "Um, are you sure you want to do that?"

"Of course I am! Someone has to teach those rascals a lesson. A week of indentured servitude will do the trick!"

When Anakin merely surrendered to the Sith's whim, Padmé jabbed him with her elbow.

"Aren't you going to talk him out of it?" she whispered.

"It's no use, he's made up his mind."

"But they'll keep torturing him!"

"Arguing with him is a bad idea when he's this upset, Padmé. His Sith lightning can be as unpredictable as his gas."

Padmé swallowed uneasily. Anakin need say no more.

"Luke, Leia, you little brats! Come back here, Uncle Palpatine wants to talk to you!" Palpatine called out irritably.

Two heads warily poked around the corner. Seeing the Sith beckoning them with an arthritic hand, they stepped forward, knees knocking against each other.

"Now listen up. You think you're so clever. You think you've outwitted me. But you forget I am Darth Sidious, all-powerful Sith and rightful heir of the univer–" his tirade was cut short by a violent coughing fit, which continued for a solid minute until the hacking finally subsided. "Blast, the doctor keeps telling me to quit smoking!"

"You have health coverage?" Anakin asked in surprise.

"Anyone can apply for GalactiCare, you fool!" Palpatine wheezed, regaining his composure. "Although they keep threatening to cut me off. They say, 'You're just wasting our time and yours,'" he mocked in a sing-song voice. "Whatever. Someday they'll pay for their insolence when my luck finally turns around!"

"It's been seven years since anyone saw a shred of your luck," Padmé had the temerity to say. "I think it's safe to say that ship has sailed."

"Silence! I will have silence when reprimanding these children!" he warbled. "As I was saying, your horseplay will not go unpunished. You two will be my personal servants for the remainder of my stay, and I won't hear one word of complaint!"

Luke and Leia looked at the Sith, then at each other, then at their parents, who were already burying their faces in their hands. No protest from either one. They may as well have handed the twins a license for unlimited tomfoolery, free of consequences.

"Got it, no complaints sir!" Luke stood at attention.

"Glad to be of service!" Leia saluted.

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Next: the finale!